Chapter 4

~Gabe

I wake up shaking, filled with grief. I was dreaming about Derrick, what happened on that boat. Every dream about him starts with him smiling and ends with him floating dead in the water, no matter how hard I try to save him.

This one was different, more confused. Guns go off, and a body falls into the water with a splash like always. But when I jump in, I see it"s not Derrick. It"s Justin and he"s drowning. His hair is longer but his eyes are that same clear, empty blue. I feel how cold he is as I pull him to me and his lean arms go around my neck. His body shivering against me, he presses his face to mine and he whispers, "Save me."

As I get up and shower, I decide it"s a sign. Justin can"t work for me. I need someone who will do the job and stay out of my way, someone efficient, impersonal, not my skinny, pale stepbrother who looks like he"s barely holding it together. Someone should be taking care of him, not the other way around. Maybe that"s why I mixed him up with Derrick in my dream.

I can"t have Justin here. I"d like to blame Royce, but this was my decision and I"ll fix it.

Hiring Justin might have been an impulsive mistake, but I can"t get rid of him just like that. It wouldn"t be right. He obviously isn"t doing great and he"s estranged from what family he has left. I"ll find him another job, give him some extra money and send him on his way.

First I want to make it clear to him that this job is temporary but that I"ll set up some interviews for him. I go to do that as soon as he arrives, but then I see him coming in and my resolve breaks. He"s taking off his jacket and he hasn"t noticed me as I stand here taking in how thin and pale he is and the expression in his eyes is so empty. I flash back to the dream, looking into those eyes, the hopeless look in them.

That"s all the more reason I can"t have him here. It"s too much after losing Derrick. I need to hold myself together not worry about someone who works for me.

I don"t get a chance to talk to him because Aunt Brenda texts that she"s on her way up. Great.

As soon as Justin lets her in, I do introductions. "This is my aunt, Brenda Wexler. This is Justin. I hired him to be my personal assistant and he"s also Craig"s son."

"Craig? Craig, your stepfather?" she says and eyes Justin with even more distaste than she did at first. "So another Brunell makes an appearance."

"I don"t use my father"s name," Justin tells her sharply.

"It"s nice of you to visit, Aunt Brenda. Was there a specific reason you dropped by?" I ask to draw her attention away from Justin.

"I came by to make sure you"re going to the Foundation party. We can"t have other benefactors thinking that the Heller Foundation doesn"t have your support any more now that you have been focusing on Derrick"s foundation and the youth center."

I refuse to promise her anything. "I"ll see."

She then turns to Justin. "You have the event on your calendar?" she asks him.

"He doesn"t handle my calendar. Noreen does that," I inform her coolly.

"Oh," she says and looks from me to Justin. "So what are your duties exactly, Justin. And your qualifications?"

She"s ready to interrogate him so I step in. "Didn"t you come to see me?"

"I"d like to take a little time to get to know Justin," she insists like a woman who isn"t used to people saying no to her.

"He"s busy," I tell her and tell Justin to get us coffees and breakfast so he has an excuse to get out of here. I take Aunt Brenda by the elbow to guide her into my office so she can"t take any parting shots at him.

"You don"t need to manhandle me, Gabriel," she says indignantly, shakes me off and walks into my office on her own. "Was that really necessary?" she asks as she sits with a huff in the chair in front of my desk.

"You know how you get." I don"t add like a dog with a bone. "I won"t have you harassing Justin," I warn her.

"It"s hardly harassment to ask a few pertinent questions. The fact is I wouldn"t trust that boy as far as I could throw him. He"s clearly a drug addict. You"ll be lucky if he only robs you blind. How could you be so foolish? You don"t owe that family anything. Craig Brunell is a gold digger."

"Thanks for your advice."

"But you"ll ignore it like you always do," she says bitterly. She did advise me not to let Derrick run around so much on his own. She pointed out that he was only a teenager and the world was a dangerous place, and she was proven right.

Now she"s trying to talk me into going to the Heller Foundation party with some girl.

"I"m might not be going at all," I tell her instead of reminding her that I came out to her right after Derrick died. She had dismissed it then, claiming it was just the grief talking.

Now she"s telling me, "You have to go. You know I"m on the board. How would it look? And the guests will be the same people you will want to support Derrick"s foundation."

"Thanks for your advice again," I tell her tersely but she isn"t swayed.

Still insistent, she declares, "I don"t care who you bring but you have to go."

I raise my eyebrow at that. "You don"t care who I bring?" I smile at her and decide to test that declaration and take a guy.

I also decide not to rush to give Justin notice. Am I letting him keep working for me just to spite my aunt? Maybe, but it isn"t the only reason. For now I need to keep an eye on him.

After my aunt is gone, Justin comes back with coffee and breakfast. I forgot I asked for that and I"m not hungry, but I still have some so Justin doesn"t feel like I"m sending him on pointless errands.

I leave him alone and go work in my office, but the whole time I"m aware of every sound he makes. And it"s not that he"s being loud. It"s me. I"m listening for him even when I try not to.

By lunchtime, I get sick of it and leave my desk and go into the kitchen where Justin seems to be doing some organizing. "Lets go out to lunch," I say.

"Who? The two of us?" he says, confused.

"If you don"t want to, you don"t have to. It"s not a job requirement," I tell him and start to feel disappointed instead of relieved.

"I"m not against it. I was just surprised," he explains blandly. Clearly he"s thrilled to be going.

"OK, get your jacket and let"s go." We"re out the door and heading out and I have no idea why. Because the walls were closing in on me, driving me to Justin?

We step out into cool winter air and I decide to stop questioning it and just go to lunch with my stepbrother. Since I don"t know where we should go, I decide we might as well walk.

"So where are we going?" Justin asks and I realize he seems nervous. Maybe he can tell I"m agitated or maybe he just doesn"t want to be here.

I stop and face him. "If you don"t want to go..."

"No. I was just worried we might go somewhere fancy and I look like this." He looks down at himself, his ordinary clothes, jacket, jeans, long sleeved t-shirt.

"There"s nothing wrong with the way you look, but we won"t be going anywhere fancy," I tell him. "How about this, you choose the place."

"I can"t choose for you," Justin says.

"Of course you can. I just told you to," I say.

Justin still looks doubtful but he stares all around where there are no restaurants of any kind in sight so we keep walking. I don"t know if it"s deliberate, but as we walk, I"m leading us away from all the restaurants in the area. I don"t know why. Do I want to prolong the walk? Just wander around aimlessly while Justin tries to spot a restaurant? I guess he doesn"t know the area so its not difficult to play this game, but I should feed the poor guy. He"s so damn thin. I lead us toward a sandwich stand by the park.

"No dress code. Will this do?" I ask Justin.

"Works for me," he says with a shrug.

We order and take our sandwiches and go to eat them on a park bench. I realize we should have ordered drinks.

"Hold my sandwich. I"ll get us something to drink," I say.

"Shouldn"t I be doing that?" Justin asks but our hands brush as I hand over my sandwich and I just stare into his sky blue eyes.

"No. Just relax," I tell him, but what he said makes me aware that he considers himself on duty. And I can"t exactly tell him he isn"t. If he was off duty then he should be choosing how he spends his time. He shouldn"t be required to eat with me.

When I get back with two hot teas, I tell him, "You can always refuse to do this kind of thing. It wasn"t my intention to pressure you."

"You didn"t. It"s just sandwiches," Justin says. "It"s a nice day. We took a walk and now were eating. It"s no big deal." But now Justin is frowning and shaking his head like something upset him.

"What is it?"

"Just... can"t help thinking that this isn"t me, this isn"t real. Sorry. I... If something is nice, it doesn"t seem real." He smiles ruefully. "Sorry, I don"t mean to be such a bummer."

"Don"t worry about that. Do you want to talk about it?" I offer.

He laughs bitterly then challenges me, "Do you?"

I get his point and lose my appetite. Justin isn"t eating his sandwich either. Damn. I don"t want him starving. I take a bite and eye him waiting for him to do the same. After giving me a stubborn look, he bites into his sandwich too.

"You want me to match you bite for bite?" he asks.

"Yes," I tell him. It"s like neither one of us can just eat for our own sake.

After we"re done, I know I should get back to work but we end up meandering through the park instead. It"s that urge I have to stretch out this time. I can"t explain it, but something about simply walking around with Justin feels... necessary.

The walk is quiet, peaceful though I"m too aware of Justin next to me. Then we turn on a path that will take us around and back. We happen to see two men kissing against a tree. My eyes go to Justin. I want to see his reaction, but he just stares stubbornly straight ahead like he didn"t see anything. He had to have seen them, and I"m wondering if this is just a reaction of a straight guy.