Chapter 17

~Justin

Numb as I"m walking out, I don"t understand what happened, and I don"t care. This makes more sense than me living with Gabe. I never belonged there.

Or anywhere. I have nowhere to go. I don"t even have my phone. I wasn"t thinking when I left so I didn"t check I had either my old phone or the one Gabe gave me. Or maybe I wanted to give myself an excuse to go back.

But what would be the point? Who do I want to get in touch with? No one. I don"t want to talk to anyone. I don"t want to go anywhere. That"s why I just keep walking aimlessly.

Somehow I end up in front of my old building, the one Gabe evicted me from. Nothing is keeping me out. There"s no doorman here.

Am I here because I want to reclaim my life before Gabe? That almost makes me laugh. What life?

I keep climbing stairs, going all the way up to the roof. It"s so familiar here, almost welcoming, like I belong here.

I know what"s so familiar. It"s this hopeless feeling, but now there"s a new pain on top of my old one. I just don"t understand why. I knew my time with Gabe wouldn"t last, but I didn"t know it would leave this much pain in me.

How did I get attached to him? It doesn"t make any sense. Raindrops hit me and I look up, see the raindrops coming down toward me. Closing my eyes, I let them fall on my face. It feels kind of good at first then I get cold.

I think about Mom"s car filling with water. "It was an accident," Mom"s friends told me. But I knew it wasn"t. I knew what I had just told her about her boyfriend, Dane. Mom kept saying how she wanted to kill him. I didn"t think she would really do it.

Now that I"m thinking about Mom, I"m not surprised to find myself walking toward the edge of the roof. I feel so heavy. I"ll drop like a rock.

Then a noise behind me makes me jump. It"s a guy and a girl, arms around each other. They"re startled to see me. I bet they came up here to make out. "I"m out of here. It"s all yours," I tell them. Don"t want to spoil their fun.

I leave and keep walking, wondering if I would have stepped off the edge if those two hadn"t shown up.

It"s nighttime and I"m still walking. I stumble down the street like a blind man, just one foot in front of the other, not caring where I go just moving to try and escape the hell inside me.

About to cross the street, I have to step back when a flashy yellow sports car stops right in front of me. The window rolls down and I see Royce at the wheel. "Go back to Gabe"s," he tells me curtly. "You and me aren"t square."

I open my mouth to tell him I"m not doing it, but he just peels out of there. How did he even find me? It"s weird. Gabe wouldn"t have told him I left, would he?

I plan to just keep walking, but now a huge truck is trying to make a wide turn right in front of me so I turn around and walk back the way I came, but not back to Gabe"s. I can"t go back there whatever Royce says. Why does he even want me to? I don"t get him. Gabe is right. There is something fishy about how Royce keeps pushing me at Gabe. It worries me. Royce wouldn"t have any reason to hurt Gabe, would he?

Why the hell am I worrying about him? But I can"t stop. Whatever Royce is up to, it"s not about me. I"m a nobody. It has to be about Gabe.

Lights, darkness, lights and all the questions in my head, I don"t even know where I am. Then I hear someone call my name. I keep walking, but I swear that was Gabe"s voice. Or my imagination.

It wasn"t my imagination. Gabe is suddenly standing in front of me, blocking my way. "You didn"t hear me?" he says harshly.

"How did you find me?" I ask since even I have no idea where I am.

"I drove around," he says. He sounds angry. What the hell does he want from me?

I look around, try to figure out which way to go. Nothing looks familiar, so I guess it doesn"t matter.

"Let"s go home," Gabe says.

I stare at him. What a weird thing to say. But he isn"t waiting for me to grasp the idea of home, he just takes me by the arm and walks me to his car.

When we get close, I want to tell Gabe that I"m not going with him, but a car horn sounds. It distracts me and the next thing I know I"m sitting in the passenger seat.

As Gabe starts driving, I shut my eyes and hear him whisper my name. "I"m not going to take you anywhere you don"t want to go."

"Really?" I scoff.

He makes a turn and keeps driving, and I have a feeling that we"re driving too long. I open my eyes and see that we"re driving along the river. Not for much longer though.

Gabe pulls over, shuts off the engine and just stares straight ahead. The view is made up of the shining length of the river as it reflects the moonlight, and beyond that, darkness dotted with lights of houses.

"I know you"re not OK. I knew it since I hired you, but I blinded myself to it since then because I wanted you," Gabe says.

"So you feel sorry for me. You"re sorry you fucked me," I say and feel bitter, mad.

"I shouldn"t have pushed you about Royce. I just hate that he has such a strong hold on you," Gabe says still staring ahead and repressing his anger.

I hate the pity more than the anger. It"s sickening. It"s choking me. Fumbling with the door, I get it open and stumble out.

Gabe gets out too. "Why won"t you just leave me alone?" I sob.

"Is that what you want? You want to run off and for no one to look for you?" Gabe challenges me. He"s speaking harshly again, and that"s a little easier to take than when he thinks I"m too pitiful to fuck.

I tell him the truth. "I want to disappear, to not exist."

There is only silence for a while. The sounds of the river splashing against the shore come to me, cars passing. Then Gabe steps closer to me and speaks in a hushed voice. "How much does this have to do with your mother?" he asks and I want to jump into the river.

"I want to go home with you. I want you to take me back," I say so I don"t have to talk about her.

"Just like that?" Gabe says and takes me by the arm to make me look at him.

I stare into his blue eyes and tell him. "I"m begging you to take me back." I"m just doing what Royce said, nothing else but I"m intensely aware that Gabe"s hand is still on my arm.

His eyes narrow. "You"re begging?"

"You"re disgusted by that? By me?" I challenge him and try to shake him off, make him let go, but his grip on me stays firm. "Does that mean you won"t take me back?"

"Let"s go," he says and lets go of me suddenly. I know he"s suspicious. That"s fine, just as long as he doesn"t try to make me talk about Mom.

As we walk to his car, he stops and grabs me. He turns me to face him and presses me up against the side of his car. His thighs push against mine and his fingers dig into my hips as he stares into my eyes intently. "I"m taking you back because I"m not done with you," he says.