Chapter 33

thirty-three

. . .

Easton

I’d gotten in the car because I’d needed to get out of that hospital.

I’d let this happen.

She’d fallen out of that boat right in front of my eyes.

Her face going underwater over and over again, until I was able to get to her.

I pulled into the driveway at Emerson and Nash’s house and put the car in park.

My twin sister had always been my sounding board.

Emerson knocked on the window of my car, and I opened the door.

“You look like shit,” she said.

“Thanks. I feel like shit.”

She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I patted her back and sighed. I think she was expecting an emotional meltdown, but I felt nothing.

I was numb.

Completely numb.

“Come inside. I made soup and cornbread. Nash and Cutler are at J.T.’s birthday party,” she said. J.T. was my nephew’s best friend, and I’d met him a few times.

I followed her inside the house. “You could have gone to the party. I don’t need to talk. I just needed to get away. Sleep for a day and then pull my shit together.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. I just had to get away from that hospital. From the situation. I’ll be fine.”

She sat down at the kitchen table and pointed to the chair beside hers for me to sit. “Easton, you watched the woman you love go down the river with the rapids going over her face and a raft running her over along the way. You jumped into the freezing cold water because you thought she wasn’t breathing. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital. This is not something you”—she paused and used her pointer and middle fingers on each hand to make air quotes—“ sleep off and forget .”

I ran a hand down my face and groaned. “Emmy, listen. I don’t want to do this. I can get a hotel. I just need to sleep.”

I needed to shut down. Get those images out of my head.

The thought that I’d lost her—it was too much.

I glanced down at my phone to see the texts from my mom telling me that Henley had been released and Lulu had taken her home.

There was a text from Lulu letting me know that Henley was fine.

Both asked me to come over and see her.

Henley wants to see me.

But I’d left town because it was all too much.

Too fucking much.

“No.”

“No?” I hissed. “I’m fucking exhausted, Emerson. This is not the time for a life lesson or a lecture.”

“A life lesson or a lecture? Really? That’s what you think this is?”

I pushed to my feet. “Either let me go crash in your guest room, or I’ll go to a hotel.”

“Sit the hell down right now.” I’d never seen my sister so angry.

Fuck me.

Had I not been through enough today?

I sat down, but I made a mental note to leave and get a hotel when she was done with whatever the hell she had to say to me.

I’d called on my way to Magnolia Falls and said I needed a place to crash.

I thought she’d understand.

“Easton,” she said. Her voice cracked on the single word. She reached for my hand. “You’re in shock. You’re shutting down. You thought you were going to lose her. You can’t just go to sleep and make it go away.”

Tears were streaming down her face.

“Emmy, I don’t want to do this right now.”

“I’m aware. But we’re doing it. You left the woman you love in the hospital and drove a few hours to come here. That’s not normal behavior. You’re scared out of your mind, and you’re running away.”

“I waited until I knew she was okay. I called her best friend. Mom was with her.” I didn’t like her insinuating that I’d left her. Anger pulsed, and I tried to push it away, but it was all boiling up. “I was fucking there, Emerson! I was holding her fucking head above water. I was in that ambulance when they were checking her lungs. I was the one who let her get into that motherfucking raft.”

I didn’t know when my hands had fisted and slammed against the table.

I didn’t know when I’d moved to my feet.

I couldn’t suck in enough air.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t handle the idea of Henley not being here.

“Easton,” my sister sobbed, and somehow we were sitting on the floor in her kitchen, and my head was pushed against my knees. “You need to breathe.”

“I can’t fucking do it, Emmy. I can’t lose her, too. I can’t be in a hospital with the woman I love and find out she’s not coming home with me.” My voice was barely recognizable as my heart raced so fast it felt like it would burst through my chest.

There was this soul-crushing pain that I felt in every bone in my body.

“You’re having a panic attack,” she whispered. “Just try to breathe. She’s okay.”

I leaned my head back against her kitchen cabinets and waited for my breathing to slow down.

“You are not losing anyone. And you didn’t put her in that raft. She wanted to go out on the river. She fell out of the raft. It happens all the time. She took in some water, and she got checked out at the hospital. She’s fine,” she said, her voice softer now. “You are reacting this way because of trauma from your past. And you have to deal with it, Easton. You have to talk about it. It won’t just go away.”

“I have dealt with it.” My breathing evened out. “I go to therapy. I’ve moved on. I have. But it’s a normal response to see your girlfriend in distress and get upset.”

She turned to look at me. “It’s not a normal response to first insist that she not go rafting. And then to punch the guy in the face that knocked her out of the raft while she’s still sitting in the water. And then to go to the hospital and flip a table in the lobby, all before getting into your car and driving for hours to get out of town.”

“Those asshole’s told you about the hospital table?” My brothers couldn’t keep a secret if their life depended on it. “I was having a moment.”

“Easton, you dove out of that raft because you panicked that she wouldn’t be okay. And the truth is, you saved her life. You got her down that river safely. But instead of acknowledging that, you bailed. As soon as she was okay, you left. That doesn’t seem illogical to you?”

“No. And I didn’t know I’d be coming here and getting a lecture. I just needed a place to crash.”

“You have a home in Rosewood River. Two homes, actually, because you and Henley just decided to live together, and you each have a home. So why would you come here? You haven’t even showered yet or changed out of those clothes since jumping into that frigid water. You’ll probably get pneumonia. But you needed to get away because you were freaking out, Easton. Why can’t you just say it? Just say that you’re struggling and you’re scared.”

“I love you, Emmy. That’s why I came here. I know that I have issues. I’m more than fucking aware that I’m having panic attacks. But right now, I need sleep. And if you don’t want me to stay here, I will go get a hotel.” I looked up at her, and her eyes were wet with emotion. “I promise you that I will call Dr. Langford tomorrow, and I’ll deal with this. With all of it. I just can’t do it tonight.”

She nodded and pushed to her feet. “Okay. Do you want some dinner first?”

“No. I’m not hungry. But thank you.”

She guided me down the hallway and paused in the doorway of the guest room. I’d stayed here before. “There are clean towels in the bathroom, and I grabbed a pair of Nash’s joggers and a clean tee and set them on the bed when you told me you were coming straight from the hospital.”

“Thank you. I love you.” I kissed the top of her head before she walked out of the room, and I closed the door.

There was such a heaviness in my chest that it was hard to breathe.

I turned on the shower and stood beneath the hot water, letting it burn my skin. Once I’d warmed up, I turned off the water and dried off. My phone and keys were sitting on the dresser in the guest room, and I’d silenced my phone.

Henley

Where are you?

I’m sorry, Princess. I hope you forgive me. I love you.

That’s all I could say. I didn’t have words for what I was feeling.

Henley

Forgive you for what?

For letting you fall out of the raft.

For leaving you.

For not being able to tell you what I’m going through.

I slipped on Nash’s clothes and moved beneath the sheets, squeezing my eyes closed.

Desperate to get the vision of her struggling in the water out of my head.

I tossed and turned for hours, and finally, my body gave in to exhaustion.

Mental and physical.

And sleep took me.

“Uncle E, come on, buddy. You’ve been asleep for weeks.” Cutler’s little voice woke me, as did the fact that he was sitting on my chest, poking me in the face.

“He’s been sleeping for hours, not weeks,” my sister said, and I forced one eye open and peeked up at him.

“Hey, Beefcake. What’s up?”

“Not you. I’ve been dying to see you, and Mama keeps telling me to let you sleep. But me and Pops decided we should make sure you’re alive because it’s almost lunchtime.”

I shifted him beside me on the bed and sat forward, rubbing my eyes.

“Sorry about that. I had a long day yesterday. I guess I needed the sleep.” I ran a hand through my hair.

“Mama told me you went rafting and jumped into the water and everything. That had to be freezing,” he said, his dark eyes wide and curious.

“Yeah. It was cold.”

“And then you drove all the way here to Magnolia Falls. You didn’t want to take Uncle Bridger’s ‘copter here?” he asked.

He’d flown on Bridger’s helicopter a few times.

“Nope. I wanted to drive. Clear my mind a little.”

He chuckled just as Nash came around the corner with a coffee mug and handed it to me. “He’s alive.”

I nodded, and he gave me a sympathetic smile like he knew I was going through hell.

“Pops, did you hear that? Uncle E drove all the way here because he wanted to clear his head.” The little dude tossed his hands in the air as Nash sat in the chair beneath the window, and Emerson moved to sit on the bed beside her son.

I guess I was up now. They were clearly not letting me go back to sleep, so I sipped my coffee.

“I heard him. Sometimes we all need to clear our heads.”

“Yeah, remember that one time we had to take Bridger’s ‘copter to Rosewood River to get our girl because you and Mama were clearing your heads?”

I didn’t miss the way Nash looked over at my sister like she set the sun, and he winked at her.

“Yep. That was all me. I was making a huge mistake by pushing her away because of my own issues. Could have lost everything if I hadn’t figured it out quickly.” Nash looked at me now, brow raised.

“Great. Another life lesson,” I grumped under my breath.

“Why isn’t Henley here with you? Mama said you two are going to live together, so you must love her, right, Uncle E?” he asked.

If anyone else was firing off these questions, I’d lose my shit. But Cutler Heart could pretty much ask me anything, and I’d answer.

“Yeah, buddy. I love her.” I rumpled his hair.

“So, why didn’t you bring her here?” he pressed, and Nash chuckled into his coffee mug.

“That’s a great question,” my sister said.

Cutler just stared at me, waiting for an answer.

“Well, remember your mama told you I jumped into the water yesterday on the river?”

“Yep,” he said.

“Well, Henley fell out of the raft, and I jumped in to help her because the rapids were really rough.”

His brows cinched together. “Is she okay?”

“Yes. She got checked out at the hospital, and she’s going to be fine.”

“So, why did you leave her there? Are you mad at her for falling out of the raft?” he asked.

“No. Of course not. I’m mad at myself for letting her fall out.”

He looked over at his dad and then at my sister and then back at me, with this confused look on his face. “Did you push her out of the raft?”

“No. The rapid was wild, and another raft bumped into us, and she fell out.” I sipped my coffee, saying a silent prayer that he was done with the questions.

“Oh, man. One time, J.T. and I were racing on our bikes, and he popped a tire and wiped out. But he wasn’t mad at me that I didn’t pop my tire.” He scratched the side of his head and then winced. “But he would have been real mad at me if I’d left him there by himself.”

“I didn’t leave her there. I got her out of the water. I went with her to the hospital, and I left once I knew she was okay,” I said defensively, and Nash made a face that said a whole lot without speaking a word.

You really fucked up, brother.

“Oh, man, Uncle E. I wouldn’t like it if someone left me at the hospital. Remember when I was there for my asthma that one time?” He looked at his dad. “I would have been mad at you if you left without me, Pops.”

“You would have had every right to be mad.” Nash quirked a brow and then looked at me. “But I bet I’d have a good reason for leaving if I did that, because that’s not like me, right?”

“Like maybe you were hurt, or you had an ‘mergency?” Cutler asked his dad.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“Did you have an ‘mergency, Uncle E?” He turned his attention back to me.

I let out a long breath, because everything looked different this morning. And I knew I’d fucked up by leaving.

“Actually.” I paused and looked at my sister. “I had a panic attack.”

“What’s a panic attack?” Cutler asked, brows narrowed with concern.

“It means that he loves Henley so much that he got really scared when he saw her hurt, and he couldn’t handle it, so his instinct was to run away,” Emerson said, as she reached for my hand and squeezed it.

“Oh, man… I think you better run back home and fix this, or you’re going to have a panic attack when she doesn’t want to talk to you, Uncle E.”

Nash barked out a laugh, and I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah. I think you’re probably right, Beefcake. You’re one smart little dude, you know that?” I set my mug down and pulled him into me for a hug. “Thanks for helping me see things a little more clearly today.”

“You’re going to fix this, right? Because I want Henley to be at my parents’ wedding. My mom said she’s part of our family now.”

“Damn straight, Beefcake. And I’ve obviously got some work to do.”

But it was deeper than just going back home and apologizing.

That wasn’t going to fly after I’d freaked out and left.

I knew what I needed to do.

And it wasn’t going to be easy.