Chapter 10

There's messing up, and there's fucking up.

And I fucked up.

Big time.

I can't even believe I had sex with my patient in the hospital bathroom. Am I actually serious right now? What is wrong with me? What could have possibly possessed me to commit such an act?

Theo.

That's who.

Beautiful, blue-eyed, brown-haired, perfect fucking Theo.

God, I'm so stupid sometimes. Here, I promised myself I would not fall in love again, but then I jumped up on the dick of the first person who offered it. The difference is that he offered to do whatever I wanted to do. Men don't usually do that; they want to be the ones in control. But not here. I orchestrated every single move, and he delivered whatever I wanted him to. And it was amazing, he wasn't wrong about that. Except for the shameful feeling that washed over me after everything was said and done? No amount of sex-induced bliss can tamper with that.

I run from Theo's room and straight to the staff bathroom, where I throw the door open and spill the contents of my stomach before properly closing the door. Someone pushes it, and I hear the creak, but as more bile rises in my throat, I decide it doesn't matter.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

How am I supposed to go back to his room to take care of him? The night is still young; half of my shift is still left. I have sabotaged my own damn self at this point. This is the reason I don't trust myself to?—

"Bailey," the charge nurse calls from the doorway. "Are you okay? Do you need to go home?"

Home?

That would be amazing.

Forget tonight and Theo.

"Uh." I wipe my face with the back of my hand and dry heave, trying to breathe in through my nose to make it stop. I'm not sick, not really. At least not in the regular sense. My nerves are just fried now. "Home would be…" Dry heave. "Safe."

"You only have Mr. Anderson left as a patient." Somehow, I haven't had any new admissions during this shift. "And I'm sure anyone in the unit would be willing to take him on." I'm sure. I'm also sure he'd be willing to fuck them with his big— "Do your paperwork and go home."

"Okay." I get up from the toilet and flush, then head to the sink and turn on the cool water. "Thank you."

I walk back to my computer and chart the necessary information into Theo's medical record, all the while tensing at the fact that I have access to his stuff at this point. It feels too personal.

Once I've finished all my tasks, I give report to the new nurse taking on Theo. It all takes about an hour and a half, but I'm on my way down before I can remember that I parked my car really far from the staff entrance. I turn around, go to the nurse's station, and call security. Requesting a female to walk me down seems odd for many, but I don't feel safe around men anymore, so bringing a male officer down only makes me even more apprehensive.

Before long, a female officer is walking me to my car.

"You sure did park far, Bailey," the woman jokes. "How come you needed help tonight? You've never asked for an escort."

"Because I've never left in the middle of the night before." I smile tightly.

"You're right." She smiles back, but hers is genuine. "Us girls gotta stick together."

"Thank you," I reply, finding my vehicle, the beat-up white Honda Civic. "This is me."

"Have a good night," she says, turning around as soon as she sees that I'm okay with it.

I unlock the car and get in, immediately locking it, and release a big breath. My hands shake as I take my phone out of my work bag, but I can't go home like this. So I call the only person I know I can count on—Cheyenne.

The phone rings several times, so many that I almost think it's going to voicemail, but then she picks up. "Hello?" Her voice is sleepy from the other side, of course it is—it's one in the morning. "Are you okay, Bai?"

"Uh—" I clear my throat, "No." My voice cracks on the last word and I hear the covers rustle from her end of the call.

"Come over," she replies without hesitation. This is why she's my best friend. It doesn't matter the situation, the time, or the place; she's always there. She took me in when she didn't have to. She brought me here to live with her. Chey took me under her wing and nurtured me—and she's still doing it. "I'll be waiting with a glass of wine."

"Be there in ten," I tell her, my heart in my throat, then I hang up.

The drive to Cheyenne's apartment complex is a blur. It's actually closer to the hospital because she lives on the right side of town, the one where you don't have to worry about getting kidnapped. She doesn't know what side of town I'm living in because I refused to tell her—I know she would've forced me to stay. And I didn't want to. I need to be on my own. I'm too paranoid to not let it show. I don't want her to think I'm crazy, but I can't keep pretending every moment of every day. It's better this way, even if I hate where I live.

Pressing on the remote, I open the gate to the apartment complex and drive through, going right for my parking spot. Although Cheyenne is never lonely, she doesn't let anyone spend the night and there's an unspoken rule that the spare parking spot is mine. So no one is allowed to park there, instead they have to go on the visitor's side of the lot.

I grab my bag and step out of the car, the chill of the December air making me shiver. I practically run up the stairs to the second floor, locking my car from the top. I know it's safe here, that it's a gated community, and Robert would never be able to get in, but sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and convinces me that he will always find a way to make me pay for what I did to him.

Unlocking the door, I rush into the apartment. The lights are dimly lit, and my friend is perched on the three-piece sectional with a steaming mug of coffee. She must be really tired of me interrupting her sleep, though I can't even feel bad about it because I need her. I need her.

I sniff loudly, taking in the scent of her pumpkin spice candle, and take off my tennis shoes by the door. "Should I strip?"

"Duh," Cheyenne says with an eye roll. "No one wants your germs on the couch, Bailey Bean."

Jelly beans were my favorite growing up, so she nicknamed me after them. Before I graduated from high school, we used to go to the mall every Saturday with my parents, and we would always buy jelly beans. Now, I haven't had one in seven years.

"Alright," I reply, stripping my clothes and leaving them on the ground right next to my shoes. "Is your fluffy robe still at the back of the bathroom door? If I'm going to be here, I'd rather be warm."

"Yeah." She nods, her nose wrinkling, blue eyes narrowing on my…underwear. "Bailey."

I freeze. "Yeah?"

"Why is there a wet spot on your underwear the size of my fucking hand?"

"Uh—"

"No. And you didn't tell me?" She shakes her head rapidly and her shrill shriek pierces my ears. "Get the robe. Hurry up, you have some explaining to do."

I grab the robe from the back of the bathroom door, then rush back to the living room, tying it as I walk. "I made a mistake."

"What happened?"

"I fucked my patient," I reply with shame, my face heating to a boil. I even feel hot when I inhale, the air singing my nostrils.

"You did what?" Cheyenne chokes on her coffee, sputtering until she turns red. I go to help her, but she holds up her hand. "Sit the fuck down, Bailey." I do, then grab her fluffy blanket and drape it over myself. Her cold toes touch my leg, and I jump, but I don't dare speak. "Tell me everything. Now."

"Where do I even start?"

"How about from the beginning? And tell me where you let him fuck you."

"Well…" I hesitate, fighting the urge to smirk. "I fucked him. He did whatever I wanted him to."

"Beginning."

I take a deep breath and tip my head back on the couch, resting it against the cushions, then close my eyes. I need to try to relax. But all I can see is Theo under me, gripping my hips, rubbing my clit. The man has some magic fingers, magic everything. I already feel myself wanting a repeat. But I won't do that—obviously. "Theo Anderson is my patient—the Sailors hockey player…and I'm sure you know what happened, so I don't have to fill you in."

"Oh?" I can hear the smirk in her voice. "Was he just too pretty to resist?"

With a roll of my eyes, I answer. "I mean, I'm sure you know his injuries; they must be all over the news."

"They are."

"Great." I nod, "Then I don't have to explain that part. Anyway, we had a moment…and?—"

"Clearly," she interrupts sarcastically.

"Are you gonna let me fucking talk? Because you've always done this shit where you ask me to explain something, and then you keep interrupting me and?—"

"Sorry, Bai. It's just a little hard to picture how your patient fell in your fucking hole." Cheyenne laughs. "Although with a face like that…it makes sense."

He does have a really pretty face. "Listen. We bonded, okay? And then my other patient died, and he was there, and—well…he offered to make it better. I didn't think he meant that—except then he told me to break for him and that he'd put me back together?—"

"Some Wattpad shit."

"And he…did."

"I just bet he did, Bailey." Chey smirks, her whole face lighting up. She takes another sip of her coffee. "So you fucked a bangin' hot hockey player—which I want details really soon—but I'm failing to see why you look sick."

"Okay." I laugh. "How about the fact that he's my patient, and it's against the law?" She raises an eyebrow at me and I look away. "Or, how about the fact that it was so good I almost passed out, and then I told him he was a mistake, and he told me to leave?"

"You said what to him?"

"Cheyenne." I huff in exasperation. "You know I'm emotionally unavailable, and this guy…he's emotional. I can tell this wasn't casual for him. And let's be real, he's all sunshine, and I'm a raging bitch."

"Maybe you need more sunshine in your life." She smiles, all teeth. "As for being casual or not, Bailey…I don't think you know how to do casual. Shit, you couldn't be casual if you tried."

"So what do you call a one-time thing?"

"Not a mistake, Bailey." She shakes her head in disappointment. "It's no wonder he told you to leave. He probably felt used. If what you're describing is true and he did everything your way, I'd be offended too."

I really messed up.

God.

"It was too much at once…"

"Why?" she asks me. "What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything." I throw the blanket off me and stand up, beginning to pace circles around the coffee table. "I told him step by step what to do. He was literally perfect. I didn't feel unsafe once, Chey. It was…amazing."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem?" I laugh, "That is the problem. I felt safe and it was too good to be true, Cheyenne. There's nothing safe about life, especially not mine."

She pats the spot right next to her on the couch. "You deserve to be happy too. So if he felt safe, then maybe he is."

"No one is safe," I whisper, dropping down on the couch and resting my head on the pillow propped over her lap. "I'm not safe. I'll never be able to care for someone the way they deserve. I'm too…" My bottom lip wobbles as tears spring to my eyes. "Broken."

"You're not broken, Bailey." She assures me with a gentle mothering tone that I miss. I no longer have my mom or dad, so it's not like I can take advice from them. "You're amazing and stunning and special. So what if you can't trust someone at first? It'll come. Eventually, you'll be able to."

"I highly doubt that." Tears spill over, soaking the suede throw pillow. "He looked devastated. The worst part is that he's so nice. I actually enjoy his company, and now I've gone and messed that up. How do I even come back from it?"

"You apologize."

"And then what?" I chuckle. "Go back to the awkward nurse-patient relationship?"

"Is that what you want?"

Yes.

No.

"I don't know what I want. But I know I'm not ready for a relationship, if that's what you're asking."

"Do you want something from him? Sex?"

"No." I try to shake my head, but she pins it to the pillow, forcing me to think. "I don't want him just for sex. He could be a good friend, I guess."

"Being friends is better than nothing."

"I have to talk to him, don't I?"

"Yeah, babe," she tells me as she rubs my hair. "You do."

What the hell did I get myself into?