Chapter 4

Haley

What am I doing? What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?

I shouldn’t have made an appointment at his office like that. I shouldn’t have brought him here, either. And I definitely shouldn’t be kissing him.

But I can’t help myself.

I’ve stalked Cole online ever since the day we parted ways. It’s been torture.

But we had an understanding that what we did in college stayed at college. We were young and fresh and had our career paths laid out before us with a ton of goals to reach. Cole’s life took him in one direction. Mine took me in the opposite one.

We weren’t willing to risk our personal ambitions for anything.

Not even love.

Except I’m not sure he ever loved me like I did him. It’s not like I bared my soul to him back then. Hell, I’m not even sure how or when I fell in love with him in the first place. It just happened. But as good as it was, we weren’t supposed to last, so instead of confessing my feelings, I bottled them up.

No biggie. He never once dropped the L-bomb with me, either. We had fun. Lots and lots of fun. But that’s it. We were basically just friends with hella amazing benefits.

And even though he treated me like I was special, I always reminded myself that that’s how Cole is. He treats everyone like they’re his best friend. He’d give a stranger the shirt on his back without even being asked. The man would do anything for anyone because he’s amazing.

How is he still single?

Wait. Maybe he isn’t.

Did I make a huge mistake? What people post on social media is rarely the full picture of their life. Cole might have someone special. Someone he kisses every morning, thinks about all day, and goes home to each night.

A wave of nausea assaults me. Pressing my hand to his chest, I hold him at arm’s length. “Are you with anyone?”

He looks at me like I have two heads. “The fuck kind of question is that?” Cole steps back with his brow furrowed. “You know me better than that, Haley.”

Of course, he’d never cheat. Cole’s loyal to the bone. My heart can’t figure out if it’s relieved that I may have a chance with him, or sad because no one’s claimed him yet. He’s the best catch ever. The one who got away.

No. He’s the one I let go.

And I’ll be forever mad at myself for it, too. “It’s just hard to imagine you’re not taken.”

His tone softens. “Same could be said for you.” Cole’s gaze drifts back to my diamond ring.

Maybe he doesn’t believe it’s fake. Spinning it, because my nerves are a wreck again, I admit my lies. “I wear this so I’m not hit on as much.” Wow. That sounds egotistical as fuck. “After I finished my internship in Boston, I moved to New York. My supervisor was a real pig. He’d always make me feel uncomfortable and when I brought it up to HR, they didn’t do anything about it.”

Cole cusses under his breath.

“So, after a year of putting up with him hitting on me and acting highly inappropriate, I made up a fake boyfriend.”

His brow arches. “And that worked?”

“Nope.” I tuck some of my hair behind my ears. “My boss didn’t care at all. So, a few months of more bullshit, I bought a big, fake ass ring.” I wiggle my fingers, spinning the diamond, because the cheap piece of jewelry doesn’t even fit right. “I led everyone I worked with to believe I was engaged to the love of my life. Two years later, I quit and moved away.”

“You lied to everyone that whole time?”

“Yes.” Why do I feel ashamed about it now?

Cole stares at me with his jaw clenching. The fiery frenzy we were just in somehow turns ice cold. I’m really rethinking what I’ve done and not for the first time…

“I can’t believe this is goodbye day.” My roommate, Jenna, skulks over and hugs me from behind. “I’m gonna miss you so much, Hales.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“I know.” We’ve graduated. It’s time to move on. “Promise we’re still going to meet at least once a year for a girl’s trip?”

“Hells, yes!” I dump more of my things in a box once she lets go of me.

It’s a lie. We’re not going to see each other ever again. Maybe we’ll text once in a while, but that’ll fade fast. It’s inevitable.

Trust me. I’m an expert on this.

I grew up moving from place to place, never having lasting relationships. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a childhood friend you grow up with and grow old with. Hell, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to plant roots somewhere. Every person in my life is temporary.

A knock on our dorm door makes my heart lurch. Squeezing my eyes shut, I blow out a big breath and open the door with a huge smile plastered on my face. “Hey.”

Cole looks exhausted. Almost as if he stayed up all night thinking about today, just like I did. “Got your fave.” He holds out a paper cup, and the scents of cinnamon and cardamom waft into my nose. “Filthy, just how you like it.”

In my opinion, a dirty chai has only one shot of espresso. A filthy one has at least three. He buys them for me all the time.

“You’re the best.” I take a sip before setting it on the empty end table by my bare mattress. “I’m just about done packing.”

Cole stuffs his hands in his jeans and looks around my empty dorm room. The grey hoodie he’s wearing is his favorite. It’s the one he wears the most. He calls it his “emotional support hoodie”. It’s ninety-five degrees outside and he’s wearing that thing like he’s freezing.

I’ve never had an emotional support anything to help me through my tough times. I rely on coldness to get me through.

I like my emotions the way I like my water—bottled with the lid on tight. But over the past year, Cole somehow unscrewed my top, which has turned me into a sloppy mess of feelings I can’t handle.

What started as a fun night led to an amazing year, and now…

It’s over.

We both knew this day would come, so why does it matter? To be pathetic and sentimental about it only infuriates me.

He pulls the hood away from his head. “What can I take down for you?”

“Those two boxes over there can go.”

I’m not one for holding things. I was raised to pack fast and light my whole life. Everything I own fits into three boxes and one duffel. He stacks the two boxes and heads out.

My roommate props the door open for him, and after he’s gone, a breath shudders out of me. I can’t hold myself together. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I bury my face in my hands and cry.

“Oh, sweetie.” Jenna sits next to me. “Why don’t you just tell him?”

I shake my head, unable to talk. My throat closes and eyeballs leak. This is so dumb. I knew better than to get attached.

“Why not?” Jenna whispers, rubbing my back. “He’s crazy about you, girl. Poor guy looks like he’s been hit by a fucking bus.”

All the more reason to not make things any worse than they already are. “We knew this wasn’t forever.”

“Well, maybe that’s how it started. But things change.”

“And that’s exactly what I don’t want.” Swiping my tears away, I blow all my sorrow out in one massive exhale and pull myself together. Crying won’t fix shit. Neither will confessing my feelings for Cole. “He’s going for his master’s in London. I have an internship in Boston. We’re going to be on opposite sides of the planet.”

“So?”

“So?” I toss my hands up. “We both agreed that our careers matter most at this point in our lives. Being in a relationship won’t work.” There’s so much more that I can’t say, so I leave it at that.

Jenna scoffs. “You’re really going to walk away from him?”

“Yes. I’m better off with a clean break. There’s no sense in pretending what we have is going to go anywhere beyond this campus.”

It can’t.

Cole walks in clearing his throat. I swear the temp in the room plummets. My hands turn clammy. I feel sick to my stomach. “What next?” he asks, but his tone is harsher.

I match it because it’s easier than letting him see me crumble. “That one over there, and the lamp.”

He scoops up the box of bedding and my crappy floor lamp, then heads out again.

Jenna frowns as she watches him leave. “You’re making a mistake, babe.”

“I’ll be making a bigger one if I derail us.” It’s better this way. It’s got to be. I refuse to be a distraction for him, and I can’t let him be one for me. Our relationship worked great this year because it was easy. Life after college will be way harder.

I need to make something of myself before I try to make something for myself.

So yeah. This is goodbye.

Once Cole loads my truck up with all my shit, he’s covered in sweat and has taken his hoodie off. His bronze skin glistens with sweat, and his abs contract every time he takes a breath.

I’m going to miss every inch of him. His hard body, big heart, loud laugh, bold personality, the way he looks at me, the way he smells.

Stop. I can’t remind myself of all the wonderfulness I’m about to leave behind. My heart already feels shredded.

“Welp.” I stuff my hands in the back pockets of my shorts. “Thanks for everything.” I want to touch him, hug him. Tell him how I feel.

“Yeah. Thanks for everything.”

We stare at each other for so long, I almost buckle under the pressure. A huge part of me wants to derail my entire plan and follow him instead. That can’t happen.

My heart’s racing a mile a minute. My hands won’t stop shaking.

Heartbreak feels like a heart attack. I think I’m dying. Before I do something stupid like burst into tears and fall to my knees, I buck the fuck up and get this over with.

“So long, Cole.” With an awkward wave, I step away and climb into the driver’s seat, cringing because he doesn’t say a word back to me. Starting the engine, I see Cole stare at me in the rearview mirror. Ignoring the pain in my chest, I drive off.

Shit, I can barely see the road with how blurry my vision becomes.

Fuck these emotions. Fuck these tears.

I leave without looking back, because if I see Cole for even one fraction of a second longer, I’ll blow our futures up.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” Glancing left, then right, before I make my turn on the main road, something in my passenger seat catches my attention.

Cole’s hoodie.

With a shaky hand, I pick it up and smell it.

My heart collapses…

“How long do you plan to stay?” Cole asks cautiously. The sexy basketball player in a hoodie and jeans is long gone. This new man is different. More rigid. I like the easy-going Cole much more than this one. Maybe he has his guard up and that’s why he looks so severe. I can’t blame him.

Or maybe he’s changed over the years, and this is who he is now.

Instead of saying what I want, I go with, “I’m staying for as long as I can.”

He takes another step back from me, nodding as he stares at the floor. He seems to contemplate what his next words should be, and since I’m too fucking scared to hear them, I jump in and change the topic. “What do you think of walls? Can they come down?”

After a measured pause, he takes the bait. “Yeah. It shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll get some measurements and we can work through the details later.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and walks away from me, going further into my new office space. “This is going to cost a pretty penny to build how you want it.”

“I know.”

“It’s going to take time, too.” His warning is clear. I’ll have to stick around if I want this.

“That’s fine. I’ll work from home and hire staff in a couple of months. Right now, I’m focusing on networking and getting my foot in the door with all the right people. I’d like to hit the ground running once I have this space up and in good shape.”

He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bouncing. “How booked are you already?”

“Well…” I hate to admit this. “Not very. I’ve missed the window for holiday parties and weddings. Those would have been booked out months ago. I haven’t had a chance to advertise heavily yet, because all my savings is going into this place.” I run my hand along the dingy wall. “But my website’s all good and I’ve got a ton of appointments set up to introduce myself to bridal shops, florists, and all that jazz. Hopefully, I’ll hit spring wedding season with a bang.”

“Solid plan.”

“I have a lot of goals to reach.”

“Some things don’t change.”

Is that a compliment or an insult? Before I can find out, Cole walks away.