7. Cold tile

SEVEN

COLD TILE

HARLOW

If I could sell my soul right now to disappear, I would. Seriously, who wants it?

Everything I feared might happen during this evaluation did, and then some. I’m starting to think I may be the unluckiest person alive.

Not only did Coach Bradford embarrass me, but my shadow who I now know is Shep , was present to witness all of it unfold.

“Hey, Sutherland?” Pierce catches up to me as I grab all my stuff.

“Hey! All good here.” I’m sure the pep in my voice is less than convincing but at this current moment, I need to get the hell out of this rec center. I glance to the side to see Shep still in the same spot, looking me up and down as if I might fall apart at any given moment.

“Look, I just want to tell you again. I had no idea Bradford was going to pull that with you. It goes against the training and rehabilitation plan I wrote up for us, and you’ve seen that yourself, so I hope you believe me.” A look of sadness washes over his face.

“I know,” I say with a half smile. “You didn’t fail me.”

“Thanks, Sutherland.”

Pierce drones on about our schedule for the next week following this shit show but all I can do is think about the small moment of time where I let my guard down and put my head against Shep’s chest.

I know I’m allowed to be vulnerable and not be okay, but I didn’t have it on my Harlow BINGO card that it would be with Shep. Especially after our previous little chats where he didn’t even want to tell me his name.

“Does that work with you?” Pierce’s voice cuts back in through my thoughts.

“Yeah, sounds good. Thanks.” The words lazily leave my mouth as I push past him to approach the other person who came to my defense today.

“Shep, huh?” I cock my head to the side and pop my hip out as I wait for his response.

“Yeah,” he laughs awkwardly, “not the best way to have introductions but now you know.”

I cock my head the other way, taking in the guy standing before me. He isn’t all that bad now that I’m not looking at him with darts shooting from my eyes.

He’s definitely tall, probably 6’2”. I continue scanning him over and damn, he’s absolutely ripped. I’m talking abs cut by a chisel and a V-line peeking out from his swim trunks that makes my mouth go dry. His wavy hair looks soft and like it can’t decide if it wants to be brown or blonde. But what really has me raising an eyebrow is his soft blue eyes.

“Hello? Are you in there?” Shep’s voice comes out muffled while I bring myself back to the present.

“Yep, all here. Anyways, thanks for,” I turn around and draw circles in the air around the pool, “all that.”

He laughs and runs a hand through his hair. The sound is comforting and for a moment, I find myself not annoyed by his presence or conversation and that sends warning signals quickly through my subconscious.

“You had me worried there for a second when you sank to the bottom of the pool. ” His tone is cautious, like he knows he could be pushing it, but I can also see the worry in his eyes. “Is that something you do when you’re overwhelmed?

How did he pick up on that?

“Only sometimes. Oddly enough, I’ve always enjoyed sitting at the bottom of the pool. Ever since I was a kid, it makes me feel like?—”

“Nobody can get to you?” He finishes my sentence and my mouth hangs slack in shock.

“Yeah, something like that,” I murmur before realizing it’s been too long that my walls have been down. “Anyways, while it was nice what you did, I don’t need you protecting me like that.”

Shep scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Okay, Harlow. Back to this. I’ll see you tonight.” He turns around and walks back over to his stand and doesn’t look my way again.

Tonight?

I close my eyes and let my head fall in defeat when I realize that, of course, Shep will be at the date party tonight. Correction, I am definitely the unluckiest person alive . It’s like I can’t escape him and it both infuriates and interests me.

I start my walk back to the locker room when my stomach sinks. In the corner of the rec center is one of Beckett’s friends and I know this isn’t going to end well for me. I smile in his direction but he’s already typing away on his phone and as soon as I make it into the locker room, I hear my own phone going off.

2 Missed Calls From Beckett

Perfect, just perfect. This is exactly what I need right now. I shoot him a text that I’ll call him when I get home and pack all my shit up before walking out to my car. I sink into the driver's seat, the weight in my chest overwhelming me. I’m aching and not in the way I can just pop a few Tylenol.

I spend my drive back to the Overlook deep in thought over the last few weeks. I want to get home and talk to Lennon, but as I pull into the parking spaces in front of our building, I know none of that will happen. Beckett’s already here, waiting for me.

I take a deep breath and get out of my car, walking in his direction. “Hey!” I try to muster up all the cheer I can. “What are you doing here? I thought we were going to meet at the Chi Kappa house for the date party tonight?”

“You have a lot of explaining to do,” he deadpans.

“Alright… Want to talk here or?—”

“Your room. Let’s go.” He interrupts me, then grabs my forearm, clearly forgetting I’m injured before pulling me up the stairs.

“Ow,” I say, mostly out of annoyance but also because I don’t need him manhandling me while I’m still recovering. I unlock the door and we’re greeted by Lennon who’s finishing some takeout in the living room.

“Oh, hey you two!” she says with a bright smile. “Beck, I didn’t know you were coming here before the party tonight! Our girl must have forgotten to tell me, or I would have ordered dinner for you!”

Beckett lets out a dry laugh. “ Our girl has been forgetting to tell us a lot of things lately it seems.” He cuts me a glare. “It’s good to see you, Lenn.” Then he ushers me towards my room.

“You too! Low, I’ll be in my room getting ready. Come in when you and Beck are done talking, unless he’s staying?”

“No,” I speak before he can. “He’s not. Just having a quick chat then I’ll get ready with you.”

Beckett and I make it into my room and he shuts the door behind me. The knots in my stomach are growing tighter and I can feel the contents of my stomach threatening to rise up in my throat. No…Not now.

“Want to explain this to me?” Beckett turns his phone and my jaw drops. His stupid ass frat brother sent him a picture of Shep comforting me after he pulled me out of the pool.

“Well, first of all, what the fu—” I cut myself off and shake my head. “Why is someone taking pictures of me? And second of all, that’s just the lifeguard who helped me out of the water and I was catching my breath there in the photo.” I cross my arms in front of me. My mind is absolutely blown right now that I’m even having this conversation.

“I know who he is. He’s in my damn fraternity. Do you know how that makes me look? Everyone knows you and I are together, and then you’re over there cozying up to Shep fucking Fords?” His face is turning an unpleasant shade of red and I know I only have a few seconds to talk myself out of this before it turns bad.

For as long as I’ve known Beckett, he’s had anger issues, but I always associated them with drinking. Some people are just angry drunks, at least that’s what they say right?

I would see him tick here and there at different functions but the first time I really saw a different side of him was last year at one of his fraternity events. We had only been seeing each other a few months, but after knowing him since sophomore year, I didn’t think he was a bad guy, despite his occasional outbursts when he would drink.

Beckett also could be so moody. There was some tension leading up to that event for whatever reason, but nothing I wasn’t used to. He just kept telling me how it was a really important night which I could understand, so I made sure to have all my ducks in a row leading up to it but things fell apart the day of.

I had a dinner planned with my parents before the party and it ran late, so I drove straight to the Chi Kappa house. I texted Lennon asking if she’d bring my stuff so I could change when I got there. Well, she was also running late and Beckett was less than pleased that people saw in me my regular clothes. It’s not like I looked sloppy or anything, I just wasn’t wearing a cocktail dress and heels like everyone else. My hair was still curled. I had makeup on, and I was technically wearing a dress of sorts…just with Doc Martens.

Right after I got there, an already buzzed Beckett pulled me into one of the side rooms.

“What’re you fucking wearing?” He grabbed at my oversized flannel then pushed me away from him. I stumbled a little before I caught myself on a chair and stood up straight.

“I’m sorry, I was at dinner with my parents and was going to ? —”

“Fuck your parents!” he slurred out, cutting me off in the process. “I invited you to be my date to this and you know how important tonight is for me. Not only are you late but you show up looking like this. How could you do this to me?”

His words stung and I realized tears were welling up in my eyes. I had never been talked to like this before, but instead of feeling defensive, I felt very self-conscious. I pulled my phone out and quickly dialed Lennon’s number. As the line rang, Beckett stepped forward and gripped my wrist with a shocking force that made me drop my phone.

“Hello? Hello, Harlow?” I could hear Lennon’s voice from the speaker as my phone lay on the floor. Beckett reached down, picked it up, and held it in front of my face, mouthing the words, “Go ahead.”

“Hey, Lenny, sorry, I dropped my phone. I was wondering how close you were?” As I spoke, Beckett’s eyes turned into beads of black and his grip tightened on my wrist.

“I’m just about to head out! What’s up?”

“I wanted to make sure you saw my text. I’m already at the fraternity house and was wondering when you’d be here so I could change? You’re still bringing my dress right, the black off-the-shoulder one?”

Beckett looked down at my feet and then back up at me. “Oh, and my black heels too.”

“Yes! They’re in my hand and I’m walking out the door now.” She chimed back. “See you in ten, I’ll text when I get there.”

“Sounds good, drive safe.” Beckett hung up the phone, then let go of my wrist, which was now throbbing and I could see a hand mark forming.

“Don’t leave this room until you’re in that damn dress. I’m sorry I’m so worked up, it’s just, you’re too beautiful to wear stuff like this at our events.” He ran his thumb over my cheek and I half believed what he said.

“I wasn’t going to wear this the whole night. I’m sorry.” I whimpered out, unsure of exactly what I was apologizing for but feeling like I’d done something very wrong. “I’ll come find you when I’m changed.” I tried to smile but I was still confused over the last few minutes.

“Okay, babe.” Beckett kissed my cheek and left me standing shell shocked in the middle of the room.

When Lennon got to the house, I changed and then found Beckett. He showered me with love and affection, complimented me to everyone we interacted with, and even mentioned me in his small speech he had to give in the middle of the night to thank everyone for coming. It made me feel special, but something still felt off.

It was like, once I slipped into the dress and immediately began playing the role of Beckett’s date, I lost all sense of self. I shrunk into the shadows of that party and realized I was nobody to anyone in that room. I continued to play my part as the girl on Beckett’s arm, but by the end of the night, he was so drunk I was able to slip out without him even noticing.

As I drove home, I shuddered at the thought of what he would do if I tried to end things with him. I then realized I needed to do whatever I could to make sure Beckett was happy with me. Because I never wanted to feel the way I did in that side room again.

The next morning, I woke up and Beckett hardly recalled the encounter. Instead he sent me multiple texts of high praise and made me feel so good about myself. He even showed up at my apartment with flowers, new heels, and some dresses. We spent the rest of the day together and had a great time. So, I shrugged off the encounter with his drinking and told myself I should’ve planned better, and that I’d make more of an effort for the events he invited me to.

A few weeks later, something similar happened again and I was about to throw the towel in all together because things were really starting to get to me. I was starting to feel scared. The presents, the flowers, the texts weren’t doing it for me anymore and I thought maybe I could just call things off and we could go back to being familiar faces, but he was able to sweet talk his way into me giving us another try and now things were just the way they were—this uncomfortable but familiar routine. We shared friends, we had overlapping schedules, and he claimed he loved me. Surely everyone experienced rocky moments like we did.

“Harlow,” Beckett snaps at me, pulling my mind from the past.

“I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything and if I’m being honest, I’ve told that lifeguard to leave me alone but he’s always working when I have to practice and still tries to talk to me.” I rush out.

He steps forward and grabs my jaw with his fingers. I can feel his grip tightening and I try to slap his hand off but he squeezes tighter, before pushing me away from him. I rub my jaw and walk over to my closet to try and put some space between us.

“That mouth of yours must’ve said something to make Fords think he can touch what’s mine,” Beckett sneers before walking over and spinning me back around to face him.

“I swear. I haven’t had a real conversation with him other than today when Coach Bradford basically sabotaged my swimming evaluation.” I roll my eyes thinking about the last few hours. What a shit show this day has been.

“Wait, what? What did Bradford do?” His voice becomes calmer and for a second, it’s like he actually cares. I wish I could have this version of him all the time.

“Nothing. He’s just pissed off that the team isn’t doing well without me and he took it out on me.” Pushing past him, I sit on my bed and rest my hands on my knees. “I know he wants me back but I can’t just snap my fingers and swim butterfly again.”

He walks over and sits down next to me, placing one of his hands over mine. His touch does nothing but make another wave of nausea roll through me. “Damn, that’s so shitty, babe. Still can’t believe you dislocated your shoulder.”

“Right,” I say, patting his hand. “Well, it’s fine. Over and done with.”

He grabs my jaw again, this time turning my face towards his and softly kisses my forehead. It bothers me that it almost makes me forget the last few minutes. He stands up and starts walking to my bedroom door. “I’m glad we got to talk before tonight. Wear something sexy, will ya?” He pushes out my door and calls out through the living room, “Always a pleasure, Lennon. See you two beautiful ladies later!” Then he leaves.

The way he’s able to just turn on his charm is so unsettling. That coupled with the uneasiness I’ve been fighting since I left the rec center finally wins. I run to the bathroom and collide with the cold tile as I heave into the toilet. Wiping off my face after I flush, I sit against the edge of the tub and close my eyes. The ringing starts in my ears and my chest starts tightening. Why does this keep happening!

I reach for my phone off the counter and re-read Margot’s texts to me. It momentarily pulls me out of the panic and I tell myself it’s just a few hours. I can make it a few hours.