57. The greatest gift

FIFTY-SEVEN

THE GREATEST GIFT

HARLOW

“Hi, baby.”

Shep’s voice is soft and something inside me calms. He takes his shoes off and then sits down on the floor next to me. With one hand, he strokes my hair and then places the other one under my cheek so it’s being cushioned from the floor.

He holds my face in his hand for a few seconds, not saying a single word. Just touching me softly, and coaxing me into his embrace. Then he lies down on his side, resting his head on the tile so it’s right in front of mine.

We stay like this, holding each other’s gaze. He doesn’t ask any questions. He doesn’t try to get me to talk. He just lies there with me on the floor.

After some time, he moves the hand that was running through my hair to my cheek. Cradling my face, he rubs his thumbs over my tear-stained skin. He leans forward until our foreheads and noses are touching. “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”

A sob croaks out from my lips. “I’m s-sorry.”

“Shh,” he says softly. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m here to be with you. We can stay here for as long as you need.”

I nod my head and let him pull me into his chest. He moves to sit up, bringing me with him and leans against the wall. I fist the front of his sweatshirt and bury my face into his chest, letting all my groans and cries out.

Pressing a kiss onto the top of my head, I feel his hands moving through my hair again.

“It’s a mess—my hair. It’s knotted and gross. I can’t…” My words are muffled by the fabric I’m pressing myself into, but Shep still hears.

“I’m not worried about it, baby. Can I try to help though?” He nuzzles his nose against the side of my head. “Will you let me try to help?”

I peer up at him and my lip wobbles. I know what he’s talking about. I know what he wants to help with.

“I can’t g-get in the water. I can’t shower. I c-can’t take a bath. I can’t do it. I-I’m pathetic.”

He lifts my head up to meet his gaze and the emotion in his eyes is too much. My body is already so overwhelmed. I can’t handle the way he’s looking at me because he’s looking at me the way he always has, which means he doesn’t see me any differently. It means I’m not too broken or pathetic or weak to him.

“Harlow, you may be the strongest person I know, but you’re hurting and you don’t have to hurt alone.”

I run my hand across my nose, wiping away the snot and tears that have accumulated on my face then sit up. The longer we hold each other’s gaze, the calmer my heart rate becomes. I take a deep breath and Shep dotes on me for doing so with his smooth voice. “Good girl. There she is. There’s my girl.”

The words cause an entirely different sensation to flood my body and I find the ability to speak more clearly.

“How? What can you do for me that’s different?”

It’s a genuine question. Lennon offered to wash my hair for me in the sink. Margot even tried to use some of her psychotherapy skills to talk me through it. But it didn’t matter. The second I thought about the water running over my head, my body involuntarily started to shake and then I’d break down. It was embarrassing and I don’t care how many times they told me it wasn’t.

“I want to do it with you,” he whispers. “Together and however you want to. We can keep our clothes on or you can keep yours on and I’ll take mine off.” He laughs softly. “Whatever makes you feel comfortable.”

While the idea stirs something in me, I doubt myself. “Shep, I don’t think I can. What if I fall apart? You don’t want to see me like that.”

He reaches for my hands, gesturing for me to stand up with him. Like a newborn animal, I wobble upright, leaning into him for support.

“I want to see you in every way, baby. I’m here for every version of you. I know it didn’t make sense to you when I said it in the hospital, but I meant what I said.”

“But—”

“Harlow, I love you. I’m in love with you.” Shep presses a soft kiss to my forehead, then looks me right in the eyes. “I’ve been loving you for a long time and nothing is going to change that.”

He still loves me.

With tears welling up in my eyes again, I nod my head in response. It’s all I can give him and he doesn’t protest it or require anything else in return, which is the greatest gift anyone could give me right now.

He moves me to rest against the counter, then walks towards the shower and turns the handle. Just like I knew it would, the sound of the water rushing out sends a shiver through me and my body starts to tremble.

“Hey, hey. I’m here. Look at me.”

I don’t even realize my eyes are squeezed shut. I pry them open and Shep’s face comes into view. It’s all I can see and as I focus on him, the sound of the water starts to fade.

“Do you want to try and get in the shower or do you want me to let the tub fill up some so you can sit down? It doesn’t have to be higher than a few inches.” Shep reaches for my hand and starts to massage it with his own. “Focus on me and what you’re feeling. Not emotionally, but physically.” He continues rubbing my hand and presses another soft kiss to my forehead. “The water has been running now for a minute and you’re doing great.”

I chew on my lip, wanting to at least try for him. That’s all he’s asking from me anyways—to just try. He hasn’t said I have to do anything or I need to do anything. He just wants me to try.

“I want to try and sit in the tub. Is that okay?”

Shep’s eyes light up. “For you, anything.”