35. Therapy talksomething

THIRTY-FIVE

THERAPY TALK OR SOMETHING

HARLOW

“Alright, spill everything.”

Margot takes a sip of her iced matcha latte and taps her freshly manicured nails on the table. I know there really isn’t any reason for me to not tell her what’s been going on, but the idea of trusting someone and letting them in is still a process.

“Well, I can tell you what I’ve told Robin or?—”

“No, I want you to tell me whatever you want. We don’t even have to go into detail about why you’re seeing Robin. I’m assuming Mom and Dad have no idea?”

I shift in my chair. “No, they don't. Um… Laura has been paying for it, but I told her I would pay her back.”

Margot chokes on her drink. “Laura Fords? Is paying for your therapy?”

“Listen, I had the same reaction but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s friends with Robin so I’m not sure if they worked something out, but she just wanted me to start seeing someone as soon as possible.”

I glance at my coffee and swirl it around in the cup. There’s so much I could tell Margot but I don’t want to burden her when I know there’s already so much on her plate. We’ve always been close, but there’s also been stretches where we didn’t talk as much. Like when she struggled with her own demons in the past, my parents felt I wasn’t old enough to really understand so they kept me out of it.

Robin’s mentioned there’s probably a part of my brain that has blacked out those memories or repressed them, but we’ve worked to rip off that Band-aid, letting the wounds breathe, and allowing my now fully developed brain to reprocess why it hurt so much to be excluded.

I do remember Margot being in therapy for years though, and that’s ultimately what led her to where she is in her career today.

She reaches out and stills my anxious hand. When she smiles at me, it makes me want to cry. I put so many walls around myself over the last few years, but especially the last few months, and now that I’m starting to get past them, the people in my life mean so much more to me.

“We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to, so maybe we can just catch up? How’s swimming? Any update on when you might be able to compete?” Margot suddenly sits upright and before I can try and figure out why, a voice behind me speaks.

“Look who it is, my best athlete.” Pierce.

I spin around and, sure enough, looking delicious as always in his tight fitting workout gear, Pierce is resting his hands on the back of my chair. What really catches me off guard though is the way his gaze is locked beyond me.

I dart my eyes to the side to discover I’m caught in a very heated exchange of eye contact. The tension is palpable and even makes me feel flustered. Margot runs her hand through her hair before leaning back and crossing her arms.

I notice Pierce’s grip tightens on the back of my chair, the veins in his arms popping out. I can’t help but continue to look back and forth between my sister and athletic trainer who are in some sort of showdown.

“Hi, Pierce.” I wave to him and redirect his attention to me. His hold on the chair relaxes and then he looks down at me and smiles.

“What’s up, Sutherland? Funny running into you, I just left a meeting with Coach and I have some good news for you.”

Not wanting to get my hopes up, but also feeling expectant for what he might have to say, I jump out of my seat. “What? What happened?” I draw my lip into my mouth and nervously chew on it.

“He said you’re good to swim against Marymount next Friday before Halloween.” Pierce reaches a hand out tentatively, but I’m so overcome with emotion, I surprise myself for a second time today by deciding to hug him.

“Oh! Wow, not quite the reaction I was expecting but this is definitely good.” Pierce hugs me back before stepping away. He looks beyond me again and seeing as Margot isn’t opening her mouth anytime soon; I take matters into my own hands.

“This is my sister. I mentioned her to you when we first started training together. I don’t know if you remember her, but she’s moving here in January to work at Everson actually.” I sit down again and glance at Margot whose lips are pursed out and her arms still crossed.

“Interesting,” Pierce drawls. “Margot, right?”

“Right,” is all she clips out. I shoot her a glare, wondering where the hell her manners are.

A smirk tugs on the side of Pierce’s mouth. “Guess I’ll be seeing both of you around.”

Nodding my head in agreement, he turns and takes off. When he’s a good enough distance away, I immediately reel on Margot.

“What THE hell was that!”

She lets out a large breath before picking up her matcha again. Slowly sipping on it, I can tell she’s trying to regain her composure. I’ve never seen Margot rattled like this before. Well, at least, not in a very long time.

When she doesn’t say anything, I continue. “Did I miss something?”

Finally she responds, “He knows my name. We were in the same graduating class at Everson. We went to college at the same time.” The wavering in her voice causes me to arch an eyebrow.

“Okay, well yeah, but?—”

“He knows who I am,” she cuts me off. “Acting like he doesn’t…” She trails off and starts mumbling something to herself.

I lean forward, motioning with my head for her to continue on.

She quickly shakes off whatever is happening and brings the conversation back to me. “Tell me about Shep, what’s going on with that?”

Rolling my eyes, I let out a frustrated huff. Old Harlow would’ve matched this ridiculous stubbornness and then some, but I’m working on New Harlow, and New Harlow decides to indulge her. “He’s okay, I guess. I don’t know. We haven’t talked since the hospital. I told him I needed some space after everything and he’s been giving me that, which is nice. I actually just ran into him outside.”

Now it’s Margot’s turn to arch an eyebrow and give me a knowing look.

“Yeah, yeah. I like him, if that’s what you’re getting at. But that’s where all the mess with Beckett comes in. He, uh…really didn’t like that Shep and I were starting to talk. Even though it was innocent, like just passing conversations at the rec center.”

My old habits start creeping in and I almost stop. But I can hear Robin’s encouraging voice echoing in my mind, so I tell those habits to fuck off.

“Beckett was hurting me.”

Margot’s mouth drops open some and she leans forward, setting her drink down on the table between us. “I’m sorry, he was what? ”

“Margot, can you just take what I’m saying as like therapy talk or something and not as your sister? I don’t want it to turn into a big thing. It’s already been hard enough to open up to Robin about it all and something about more people knowing makes me feel queasy.”

She scrunches up her forehead and I can tell she’s really thinking over what to say next. “When you say hurting?—”

“Yes.” There’s no need to draw out that part of the conversation, but to give her some sort of relief I add in, “Not that it makes it any better, but it was never massive beatings or anything like that. Just well… Ah, shit. Okay.”

“What?” Margot’s face pales.

“Beckett is the one who dislocated my shoulder.”

Margot’s mouth gapes open again and then she places a hand over it as if stifling a gag. “Harlow, that’s… I—” She shakes her head before meeting my stare, her sage green eyes welling up with tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for. It was my choice not to tell anyone, and also, as I’m sure you understand as well, I was trapped in a cycle with him. That’s mainly what Robin and I have been working on.”

An invisible weight starts to lift off my chest as I disclose these secrets to my sister.

As our conversation continues, I find that talking with Margot is almost like talking with Robin, but more familiar. She does her best to not give me therapeutic advice and just listen. By the end, a new feeling of hope brims to the surface and I’m starting to look forward to Margot moving back to Everson.