33. Mommy issues

THIRTY-THREE

MOMMY ISSUES

HARLOW

Holding my phone in front of me, I let out a large breath before groaning and tossing it back on the couch. “Why is this so hard for me?” I grunt out.

Robin laughs from across the room. “I’m not sure, but I will say, at first I didn’t want you to push yourself, but now I think you’re just afraid.”

“Ugh, Robin! You’re supposed to tell me that I’m staying safe in my boundaries or, or,” I snap my fingers while trying to remember, “Ha, yes! Or that I’m protecting my peace.”

Robin lets out an even heartier laugh. “Yes, but see, that right there tells me that you’re making really good progress. You’re able to see how certain actions coincide with what you’ve learned. I’m not going to tell you it’s okay to text Shep if that’s what you’re hoping.”

“I mean, it couldn’t hurt.” I frown and cross my arms.

“Harlow, you know I’ll never tell you what to do. I can only advise and suggest, but I think you know what you want to do.” Robin eyes me over her glasses. “You’ve put in a lot of hard work over the last few weeks.”

She’s right. I have.

After I left the hospital, I put my head down and started to focus on my classes, swimming, and therapy. Lennon and I got to pick our routine back up, with the slight change of me meeting up with Laura here and there for therapy.

It’s been nurturing and I feel like I’m healing. Robin and I settled into a twice per week schedule following the fight, and through the last several sessions, I’ve learned more about myself than I have in the last ten years.

Robin was shocked to hear what happened, but not surprised. It was like Laura said, there would be no doubt Beckett would eventually escalate. I’m still processing the fact it was so public though.

Once the footage of the fight got out, more gossip on campus started up about me. This time, I decided to take it head on and I told my swim team what really happened to my shoulder and let them do the rest. After a few days, everyone was over the fight and talking about Beckett and what a terrible person he was.

Part of me felt bad, which was some of the guilt I was working through left over from his abuse. I knew that Beckett did this to himself, but the part of me that had been romantically attached to him caused my emotions to waver.

However, there is no regret in my mind for not pressing charges. I was right in that he wouldn’t show his face again, but I do wonder where he went. While we had been together for over a year, we never did family introductions. He mentioned to me once that his mom lived outside of Everson and that was it. No mention of a dad or any siblings. I couldn’t help but wonder if he went back home and what that was like for him.

Robin assured me it was normal to wonder, but it was imperative to not get hung up on the what-if s, which was my biggest issue.

I spent the first session after everything crying to Robin about what if Wes hadn’t been there to break up the fight. There was a very sick feeling in me that Beckett could have killed Shep, without even realizing it. The sight of him that night was terrifying. He looked like a different person. The worst part is, I only remember him having one drink, so while I wanted to try and justify his behavior with his substance abuse like I had in the past, I wasn’t able to. Maybe he really was just a monster.

Robin told me after talking with Laura, Sheriff Fords had found out that Beckett had a prior offense from when he was younger but it had been expunged. I felt like everything I knew had been a lie. Who really was Beckett? And how did I get involved with him?

One of the other things that’s been really hard to come to terms with is the lack of relationship I have with my mom. Apparently I have mommy issues, which makes me even more susceptible to the kind of abuse Beckett was inflicting on me. He was able to get in my head, making me want his affection and attention so badly that I was willing to overlook the bad. Apparently this was a byproduct of not getting the affection and attention I desperately wanted from my mom growing up. How fun.

“Harlow, I think you’ve come a long way. It couldn’t hurt to talk to Shep. I’m sure he misses you based on everything you’ve shared with me, but I’m also sure that he understands the space you’re wanting and will wait a little longer.”

“See, but that’s the thing, Robin. It’s knowing he would wait longer that makes me want to talk to him. Because I know that he’s a good guy and I shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him…”

“But?” Robin questions me as I trail off.

“But…I feel like I’m too broken. I feel like if anyone really knew everything they wouldn’t want me, and I don’t want to bring all my brokenness into their life.”

Robin sets her notebook down on her desk and sighs. “Harlow, listen to me. All of these preconceived notions that you have about the people in your life—Shep, and especially about the way you see yourself—are from the seeds of doubt Beckett planted in your mind. He caused you to question yourself and question your worth. We both know Shep doesn’t see you as the broken girl.”

Robin is right. Everyone is right. She’s not the only one who’s been trying to get me to see that. Even Lennon and Wes in the few times I’ve talked to them both have made it very clear that, while they support me taking care of myself, I really need to give Shep a chance.

Lennon and I haven’t talked about what happened much at all and I think some of that is the guilt she feels for not knowing about my accident. We did talk about that the night we left the hospital though.

She asked me why I didn’t tell her and the only answer I could give her, even though I knew it might hurt, was I didn’t think she would believe me. I was right. It hurt her and she cried the whole night, apologizing over and over for letting me down. I did my best to assure her that wasn’t the case but I know she’s had a hard time accepting that.

Laura has only mentioned Shep a total of two times during the last three weeks. One was to tell me that he had been cleared to go back to work, and the second was today, when she casually mentioned he would be downtown at the precinct.

Which led me to the current moment with Robin. Do I text Shep and ask to meet him since we’re both downtown?

“I really want to do it. I think I might wait though, there’s something else I need to take care of first.” I smile at Robin. “But you’re right, I’m not the things Beckett made me feel about myself. While he may have bruised me physically and emotionally, he didn’t break me.”

“Ah, there she is! My star client. I’m so proud of you.” Robin beams at me then checks her wrist watch. “Now, I hate to cut us right on time but I do have an old student of mine stopping by to pick up some paperwork from me, and I don’t think you’ll want to be here when she does.”

I stop just before getting off the couch and sit back down. “What do you mean? Are you allowed to tell me? If it’s just an old student?—”

“Yes, I know where you’re going. There’s no client confidentiality. I was hoping to not have to bring this up at all because you know I’d never share your information with anyone, but I didn’t realize how close we were cutting the time by.”

“Okay, so…”

“Your sister, Margot.” Robin says. “She emailed me this morning saying she was going to be in town getting some things in order for the university and was hoping I’d be able to get some paperwork put together that she needs since I used to teach at Everson.”

“Oh, I didn’t know. But never mind that. Margot is coming here? Now?” I jump up, understanding the crunch for time and start packing up my things. Laura didn’t drive me today because there was something she had to do so there happens to be a rather recognizable Bronco out in the parking lot.

“Yes, but Harlow, I think Margot would want to know what’s going on. I know she’s your sister but she does have the licensing I do and might be more helpful than you?—”

“Thank you, Robin. Really. I will take it into consideration, but I don’t think now is…” My words are cut off by the sound of the bell ringing to let us know someone’s walked in. My stomach drops. This office space is currently only being used by Robin so there wouldn't be any other clients here for other therapists.

“I guess now is as good a time as ever,” I bite out.

Robin frowns, and I know she didn’t plan for this, but I really wish she would’ve told me sooner. I can’t help but feel a little ambushed and I think Robin recognizes that too when I don’t move to leave the room.

“I can go out there and just give her the paperwork. You wait here,” Robin says softly, but this is probably a true test if I’ve ever seen one.

“It’s okay. Thank you.” I smile at her then open the door and walk out to be greeted by a face that’s similar to mine but just a little older, with green eyes that are just a little lighter, and long wavy hair that’s just a little darker.

“Harlow?” Margot stands up and looks past me at Robin’s office. “I thought that was your car out front but I couldn’t be certain because I didn’t know why you’d be here. Is everything okay?”

She steps forward, hugging me, and while I want to run away from this awkward moment, I choose to accept her embrace and return the gesture.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’ve been seeing Robin for a little over a month now.” I tuck my hair behind my ear nervously and look down at my boots.

“I didn’t—How are—Never mind. Can we talk?” She reaches her hand out and places it on my arm. “Do you want to talk?”

“I mean, I guess we need to now.” The memory that Shep is downtown pops into my head and I decide to go out on a limb. “We could go get coffee at Boulder?”

“Oh, sissy, I’d love that. Let me talk to Robin really fast. I can explain more about that too, I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here.” She laughs before moving past me and tapping on Robin’s door. Robin opens it and looks at us both, smiling.

“Robin already told me she taught you,” I offer her.

Margot turns around with a look of relief. “Oh! Well then even better. Robin, could I come by later? I think I need to catch up with Harlow and want to make sure I have enough time. Will you be here late?”

Robin nods her head and they exchange a few more words while I start to head in the direction of the front door, feeling like I’m eavesdropping.

A few minutes later, Margot meets me by the door and we get in our cars to head to Boulder Brewing Co.

I pull into a spot on the outside of the building and get out of my Bronco. Staring at my phone for what feels like the hundredth time, I debate texting Shep and asking him if he’s still downtown. I don’t see his truck, but he could have also parked behind the precinct or something.

Margot somehow beat me and texted that she’s already inside. I start walking towards the coffee shop when something jets out from the front of a car parked on the street and makes a beeline for me.

It only takes a few seconds for me to realize it’s a dog with a leash trailing behind it, but not just any dog. It’s Dahlia.

My heart leaps with the hope that fate has somehow worked in my favor, and while I’m crouching down petting the sweet puppy, her handsome owner finally appears.

When he says my name, my body turns to jello.

I look up at him and, good Lord, my breath hitches in my throat. He’s wearing a white button down with navy slacks, and his hair, of course, is effortlessly ruffled. The butterflies in my stomach immediately explode and it takes me a minute to get my bearings before I can respond.

Finally standing to my feet, I brush my hands off on my pants before meeting his gaze. I can’t help but smile at him. The last few weeks, while necessary, really only emphasized that I was very much enjoying seeing Shep all the time, I just didn’t realize it.

“Are you getting coffee with someone?” he asks, motioning to the front door. I really hope he doesn’t think I’m going on a date or something. A flash of panic sets in and one of those dreadful what-if s runs through my mind. What if he’s gotten over me in the last few weeks? I mean, that was what I had originally wanted, but now that I’ve put space between us and we haven’t talked at all, I realize that I definitely do have feelings for him.

I quickly respond to let him know I’m meeting Margot and hope it’s very clear that I’m not on a date.

He asks me how I am and after a few seconds of small talk and him wishing me well, I feel the need to apologize, but he won’t let me. After telling me a second time that it was good to see me, he turns and starts to walk away.

When he does, I don’t move. My heart is urging me to go after him and tell him that I’ve been thinking about him and what’s been going on the last few weeks. I look inside the coffee shop and see Margot is still waiting in line, so I act on impulse and go after Shep.

Dahlia notices me first and when Shep turns around, I don’t even think. I jump up and wrap my arms around him and hug him the way I’ve been wanting to since we hugged at the formal. I hug him the way my heart has been crying out for his affection since he looked at me the way he did in the hospital.

Every feeling, urge, thought, and desire that I’ve been contemplating for this man bubbles right up to the surface and I don’t feel the need to fight it.

“I missed you,” I finally break the silence and whisper next to his ear.

His hold around me tightens and a fire coils up in my stomach. I know that if I don’t reel it in, I might do something that I’m not actually ready for, so I let him set me back down and give him the biggest smile I can.

He doesn’t ask anything of me, which gives me the freedom to turn and head back to the coffee shop. But I can’t stop myself from looking over my shoulder one more time and smiling at the handsome lifeguard standing on the sidewalk. The look he gives me back nearly causes my damn heart to rupture.

It’s at this exact moment, when I turn and open the coffee shop door, that I realize—I could very easily let myself fall head over heels for Shep Fords. The revelation both scares me and excites me. What shocks me more is…I think I already am falling.