31. Ugh, I can’t wait for my next therapy session.

THIRTY-ONE

UGH, I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY NEXT THERAPY SESSION.

HARLOW

I sit in the chair next to the hospital bed, waiting for the doctor to finish giving his final assessment to Will and Laura. “I’m sure the bruises will clear in a week, the stitches will dissolve, and as far as your concussion goes, thankfully it’s minor so all you’ll need to do is stay away from screens for about three days.”

Will and Laura Fords stand by the other side of the bed like hawks. The protectiveness they have for their son is radiating off their bodies and it makes me feel sick. I can’t begin to think about how they feel towards me, being that I’m the reason he’s here right now.

Will’s phone goes off and he apologizes before stepping out of the room. Laura follows, then stops and motions for me to come to her as the nurses finish checking Shep’s vitals and administering more fluids.

“How are you doing?” she asks as we near the door.

“ Me ? I mean, I’m okay I guess.”

“I just can’t believe that young man had the audacity to do what he did. In such a public manner too. Ugh, your cheek is still red.” She tuts while looking me over.

“Oddly enough, I guess it’s good it happened?”

Laura raises an eyebrow at my admission before I continue, “I’m not quite sure exactly how I feel about the situation, but there is a tiny bit of relief that enough people were there to witness Beckett’s behavior.”

“That’s a good point, but still…I wonder if that was the school calling Will. After everyone was transported here, he immediately reached out to the Dean to demand Beckett be expelled from the university.” Laura peaks out the door and then pops her head back in. “Still talking.”

“I don’t want to press charges,” I say quietly. “They asked me that after checking me out. I don’t want to.” I pause for a second. “Will Shep and Wes want to?”

Laura tilts her head and I can see her contemplating how to respond. “I think that one over there will want to know how you feel and then will relay the message to his best friend. That’s what I think.”

I turn and look at Shep who’s still smiling at me.

“Laura, I need you.” I hear Will’s voice call out from the hall.

“I’ll be just outside, sweet girl.” She gives my hand a small squeeze before excusing herself.

“No charges, huh?” Shep starts.

“You heard that?” I say walking back over to the hospital bed.

“Yeah, but I’ll be honest, I kinda already figured you wouldn’t want to.” He tries to shrug his shoulders, and I don’t miss how he winces when he does.

“It’s just… I think if, like your mom said, he gets expelled, that’ll be enough. He won’t be allowed back on campus and well, I don’t think with his ego that he’d show his face anywhere around town.”

“Makes sense. But hey, with Beckett out of the way now, at least we don’t have to worry about being seen together or something.” He closes his eyes and a soft smile adorns his bruised face. Shep’s words, while optimistic, make my stomach sour. I start to think about the events of the night, the lead up to it over the last few weeks, and realize I’m no good for Shep while I’m dealing with all of this.

“I don’t think—I’m sorry.” I take a step away from Shep. In the time between the fight and now, I’ve been going over everything I’ve learned from Robin the last week. And while unsettling, the one thing that sticks out to me most is her saying I need to put myself first. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea either,” I finally force the words out and I feel the bile in my stomach threatening to follow after them.

Shep opens his eyes again and I wish he wouldn’t have. They’re filled with hurt.

I know it would be so easy to fall into Shep and let him fix this. Let him fix me . But that isn’t his responsibility. And so, with every ounce of courage I’ve gained in just a short amount of time, I look him in the eyes and come out with it.

“I think I need some space.” When the words leave my mouth, it feels like the air is sucked out of the room and Shep slumps forward.

“Harlow,” he starts.

“No, Shep. I mean it. I know what you’re going to say and I can’t let you. I know how easy it would be to ignore everything that’s happened to me and focus on you, on what might be happening between us, but that’s not how this needs to be done.”

He nods his head silently. “What do you mean by space? Do you want to stop talking?” His lip wobbles and I really hope he’s not about to start crying. I know he’s in tune with his emotions-all thanks to Laura-but I don’t think I can handle that right now.

While I know Shep would never use his emotions to manipulate me into making a decision, I recognize that my mind is still weak. I can feel myself wanting to please him in the same way I’ve developed the habit of trying to please everyone in my life. It’s cost me so much and I can’t keep doing it.

“I don’t know how this goes, Shep. Honestly, I don’t have a clue, but Robin literally told me earlier today that it’s important that I learn to start setting boundaries going forward. If I want to have these healthy relationships she’s mentioned…I have to try.”

“Harlow, I?—”

Walking towards him again, I raise my hand and gently place it on his.

“Please. I just need some time.”

Shep glances down where my hand is resting on top of his, then meets my gaze again making my stomach do a flip.

His eyes are flooded with intensity and it dawns on me just how much we’re connected to each other—beyond just our physical touch at this moment.

Somehow, without knowing me entirely or knowing everything that I’ve been carrying, Shep has embedded himself into every facet of my life that he could. He’s made it so obvious he cares. I can see it. What has my heart bucking wildly in my chest though is now, I can feel it.

“Okay.” He finally mumbles, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. “Okay. I’ll let you set the pace, but I’m telling you right now, Harlow. I’m not going anywhere.”

His slate eyes meet my green ones and the passion in his stare makes me feel like I’m burning up. I withdraw my hand from his and step back again from the hospital bed.

“I’m really glad you’re okay, Shep. I never meant for you to become collateral in all of this. You have to know that.”

“I do, and I don’t regret getting involved with you. I don’t regret listening to my gut about you. I knew there was a reason I was drawn to you and I don’t regret anything that’s happened since the day you came up to my lifeguard stand.”

My heart all but cracks in the worst and best way. Looking at the beautiful boy in front of me, even with the black eye, busted lip, and stitches running across his forehead, I can’t ignore that I feel something for him too.

I know I still have so much progress to make. I know that I need to think through everything that’s happened and process all my emotions about the situation. Ugh , I can’t wait for my next therapy session.

“Thank you for saying that,” is all I’m able to choke out. “I’m going to go talk to my parents and see if it’s okay for me to head back to the apartment.”

The thought makes me shiver as I remember all the people outside in the waiting area. I’m sure the conversations being had between my parents and the Fords are anything short of intense. When I finally got the moment alone to talk to Laura like she’d been asking, I realized it was because she wanted guidance on what she could and couldn’t share.

I was so taken aback that she’d consider asking me such a thing. I told her she could be honest about knowing something was going on between Beckett and I, but to hold back on mentioning therapy. I still wasn’t ready to fully immerse my parents into the reality of just how deep Beckett’s claws had sunk into me, but there was no doubt they’d want to know why he personally slapped me during the fight.

“I really need to lie down,” I speak again.

The adrenaline from earlier has worn off and the emotions that were also running high have dissipated, leaving me in a state of pure exhaustion. I feel like I could sleep for days. Somehow though, my feet trudge me across the room and I place a soft kiss on Shep’s forehead near his cut before stepping back again.

“I’m sorry I can’t just?—”

“Stop, Harlow. Don’t even think for one second you’re doing anything wrong. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” I whisper. “Oh, I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be swimming at the rec anymore.”

Shep’s face visibly pales even more than it already was.

“Now that Coach knows what really happened, he said I could finish my rehab at the athletic center during team practices.” I look down at the floor knowing this is the real space I was hinting at earlier.

“I understand,” is all Shep responds before there’s a knock on the door.

Wes walks in and gives me a sad smile, sporting a bruised cheekbone. My stomach twinges at the ugly voice in my head telling me I’m to blame for all of this.

“I’m sorry,” I nod my head in a knowing direction, “for that.” I turn and look at Shep, the guilt rising up in me again. “For everything.”

Wes walks towards me doing what he does best and wraps his arms around me. His hug is just as awkward as it was the day we ran into each other outside of the coffee shop, but this time I welcome it.

I see Lennon behind his shoulder waiting by the door and can tell she’s been crying.

Letting go of Wes, I take one more glance around the room before accepting that it’s time for me to leave and hope that with my absence, a sense of normalcy will return, despite the last few hours.

“Stop it,” Shep says before I can fully exit the room. “I know what you’re thinking right now and you didn’t cause this.”

My breath hitches as the shock that this boy knows me almost better than some of the closest people in my life hits me.

Forcing myself to not cower under pressure and tell him what I know he wants to hear, I turn and give him one more soft smile. “I’ll try.”