Chapter Six

Tommy

Neither of us spoke on the way back to my house. Blake took the rental car, and no one even seemed surprised that we were leaving together. I suppose they shouldn’t be. Even Jackson gave me a knowing smile as I said goodbye to him and Maverick. It felt normal to be riding with Blake again. Just two friends hanging out like we used to. When I reached for his hand in the car to thread our fingers together, I expected him to push me away. When he didn’t, I felt my heart rattle against my chest.

Once back at the house, Blake followed behind me inside, upstairs, and to my room, where he stopped in the doorway to slowly look around. “It looks different.”

“Well, I couldn’t have hockey things on the wall reminding me of what could have been.”

I let my gaze move down his body. His white shirt clung to his torso and hugged his broad chest. He looked better than I remembered. All man and muscle tucked into the most amazing person I had ever met.

“You can come inside. I won’t bite.”

Blake’s green eyes landed on me, and a blush crept up his neck. Oops, guess we both know that’s not true. “Sure, okay.” He stepped into the room, then sat down on my desk chair. “You said you had something to show me?”

“I do.” I nodded, then stepped to my closet to drag out the box. “Here.” I shoved it at him without an explanation.

Blake’s brows dipped. “What is this?” he asked, but when he removed the top and started to dig through my memories of us, I saw tears shimmer in his eyes before he blinked them away. “You saved all of this?” He held up a piece of paper that he had scribbled lyrics down on. Lyrics I knew for a fact he had turned into a song he wrote with Killian for Mulligan’s first album.

“Looks that way,” I said as leaned on the edge of the desk next to him. “There’s a lot of good stuff in there.”

Pictures from the photo booth at the mall from our first official date, a poster for Mulligan’s first show, the drawing of our tattoos. Everything I thought to keep was in that box.

Blake suddenly slammed the lid back down. “I can’t do this.” He held the box out at me. “Take it.” But when I just stared at him, he shook his head. “What is the point of all of this, Tommy? To break my heart again, bring up old memories I’ve tried like hell to forget? You broke my heart, stabbed me in the back.”

“I did all of that for you,” I reminded him. “I wanted you to go and live your life. Experience the world and achieve your dreams so you didn’t end up”—I waved a hand at myself—“like this.”

“You lied to me!” Blake dragged a hand through his hair. “I wanted a life with you, and I would have been fine if I hadn’t gone to California. Instead, I spent years making sure Killian didn’t drown himself in booze or inhale the wrong drug, hoping Maverick didn’t start a fight with the wrong person, and watching Dean hop from girl to girl, trying to find the next Helena. I was just as miserable as they were, but no one knew because I had to be the adult in the band. The goddamn saint.” He pushed me away when I reached out to touch him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough, Tommy.”

I nodded. “You’re right, it’s not. I just don’t know what else to say.” Blake climbed to his feet. Crap, was he going to leave already? “Do you... Can you maybe stay a little longer?” His green eyes went wide. “I missed you. I should have asked you last night to stay, but I let my pride get in the way.”

“You want me to stay here? With you?” he asked, then chewed on his lip.

He looked like he was ready to run. Sprint out my door and get as far away from me as possible. I couldn’t blame him.

I shrugged. “We used to have sleepovers all the time. I hate being alone all the time, and what’s better than having my best friend sleeping in the same room as me?”

“Best friend, huh?” Blake sighed softly. “Where am I supposed to sleep? On the floor?”

“No, you’re supposed to sleep in my bed.”

Crap, what if he was dating someone? The thought had never occurred to me. Wouldn’t they be with him for the wedding if that were the case? Unless they were coming later. My stomach twisted at the thought.

“Are you seeing someone?”

Blake smiled and ducked his head. “I’m not.” He worried his lip between his teeth. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” He was probably right.

“I see a therapist a couple of times a week,” I blurted, unable to look at his face. “I have severe PTSD. I have horrible nightmares that cause me to wake up screaming. Sometimes it’s the accident, other times it’s not.” I didn’t want to bring up the ones that were about him. About Blake being the one hit in the face with a skate, that I was the one who did it. “I haven’t been able to get back on the ice. I tried once, had a panic attack, and ended up being escorted out by the medical team. That’s when I decided to pack up my things and come home to Canfield.”

“Tommy.” Blake’s voice was a soft whisper as he reached for my hand. “You should have told me.”

I glanced down at where our fingers were intertwined. Would things have been different if we had been together? I thought about that a lot. If Blake had stayed here with me instead of going out to pursue his dreams. It would have riddled me with guilt if I hadn’t done what I had done.

“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could think of to say.

“I should go.”

“Yeah, okay, I understand.”

But when Blake didn’t move, just continued to hold my hand, I dared to glance up at him under my lashes and found him watching me. “You can borrow something of mine to sleep in.” Please, please, please. Don’t leave me yet. I need you.

“I can do that.” Blake nodded.

***

“Tommy!” Blake’s voice was in my ear. “Tommy, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

My eyes snapped open to find him straddling me, his eyes wide with fright. I stared at him as my heart raced, and I tried to remember what it had even been about. I realized I was covered in sweat.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You were screaming.” Blake’s green orbs searched my face as he reached up to push the sweat-soaked hair from my forehead. I tried not to flinch when he touched me, but it was automatic when someone got that close to my scar.

My throat felt tight. I automatically wrapped my arms around him and pulled him against me. “Please don’t leave.”

Just having him this close was enough to make me feel normal again. At least for a few seconds. His entire body went stiff against mine, but he didn’t pull away until I released my grip on him and then he slumped back down onto the mattress next to me.

“It reminded me of Killian. How when we first went on tour, he would have these terrible nightmares that would wake up the entire bus. He would scream so loud that I thought someone was trying to hurt him.” He took a shaky breath before he glanced over at me. “I thought it was because of his parent’s car accident, and sometimes it was, but other times it was about Matty. He was so broken up inside about him. He tried...” Blake shook his head. “Dean found Killian in the bathroom one night after he tried to kill himself. He was too big to move alone, so Dean came to get me, and we had to get him to the hospital. It was the most horrible thing I had ever seen, worse than my mother. There was so much blood. It was everywhere. I thought... I thought he was going to die that night.”

I draped my heavy body over his. “Jesus Christ.”

“He denied it at first, but we knew. Mav was in bad shape back then, going through his own shit. I felt like I was babysitting all three of them while trying to hold myself together.” Blake dragged his fingers through my hair, and I bit back a groan. “Imagine if we all talked to one another. At least we got our shit figured out now. Well, Dean’s still a bit aloof, but he talks to his brother again, which is a plus.”

A sob suddenly burst from my throat, and I buried my face in Blake’s neck as I cried. I was the reason he had suffered the way he had, and I had never wanted that for him. I only wanted Blake to be happy. I thought that getting his mother the help she needed would make him happy, but instead it ruined everything. He sounded miserable. Just like me.

“Hey, what’s this about?”

He tried to tip my head up, but I wouldn’t let him. Blake rubbed circles into my back, and I began to calm down. I inhaled his familiar scent, felt the warmth of skin against mine, and when my cock thickened between my legs, I had to fight the urge to rub myself against him. I couldn’t go there with him. Not again, not ever. I wasn’t good for Blake anymore. I would only end up hurting him.

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that already. Why?”

I started to untangle myself from Blake’s arms so I could climb from the bed. “Making you fall in love with me. Lying to you. Not telling you about the accident. Waking you up tonight.”

“Hate to break it to you, Gretzky, but I was already in love with you before that day at the pool.” I spun around to stare at him. “Yeah, totally in love with you. I was just waiting for you to realize you felt the same way and do something about it.”

My mouth was hanging open. “Me? Why couldn’t you?”

“You were the gay one, not me. The expert with the same sex. I had no idea what I was doing when you attacked me.” Blake chuckled as he dragged a hand over the top of his head. “I mean, kissing you, that was fucking amazing, but everything else? I needed you to make sure I was doing it right.”

My dick twitched in my sweats at the memory of the first time Blake went down on me. “You were good at it.”

“You taught me well.” He blushed and ducked his head.

I moved closer to the bed. “What?” I gripped his jaw to force him to look back at me. “Have you sucked someone else’s dick, Bug?”

His ears turned bright red. The thought made me want to burn down the world, but he was free to touch whomever he wanted. I had made sure of that.

“No,” he murmured as his eyes moved over my body. “Just yours, Tommy.”

“You want to do it again? Maybe tonight?”

He nodded, and I was on him in seconds.