Chapter 10

TEN

Sawyer had knownfrom the day he’d enrolled in theater school against his parents’ wishes that the moment would come. He’d known that at some point, he’d be confronted with his sexuality and everything that he’d tried to downplay and ignore about himself would become headline news.

He just hadn’t thought it would happen on a sunny day, in a beautiful garden, while he was having fun playing a silly game with kids, and basking in the appreciation of the fastest and possibly best friend he’d ever made.

More than a friend. Casper was definitely more than a friend. And right now, all Sawyer wanted to do was protect him from the shit flying at the fan.

“No, the photo of me and Vanessa wasn’t AI generated or altered in any way,” Sawyer explained to Rebecca, his publicist, with a sigh for what felt like the fifth time since the call had started ten minutes ago.

“Are you certain?” Rebecca asked, sounding hurried and distracted, almost like she was power-walking through the massive, London office building where she ran her agency, even though it was after nine o’clock at night. “Because this accusation of queerbaiting might blow over much quicker if we could prove the photo was manufactured somehow.”

“It’s real,” Sawyer said, slumping to sit against the bureau in his guestroom and staring at the closed curtains covering the window opposite him. It was the first time he’d closed the curtains at night. The more news stories and social media chatter he’d read since it all broke that afternoon, the more paranoid about having his picture taken without his knowledge he’d become. Especially since the pic of him and Vanessa could only have been taken by someone at Wodehouse Abbey. “It wasn’t what it looks like, but it’s real.”

“It looks like you’re embracing a woman and getting ready to kiss her,” Rebecca said as a door creaked open, then shut, on her end.

“I tripped, and she was helping me up,” Sawyer explained for the third time.

“What about all the other pics that are surfacing on social media?” Rebecca asked as the sounds on her end turned muffled. “The man with brown hair and that scarf. The two of you looked chummy in Whitby. Who is he?”

Sawyer swallowed the sick feeling rising up his throat. The last thing he wanted to do was throw Casper under the bus with him. On the one hand, it would be an easy solution to claim that he and Casper were dating and to out himself all the way.

But with all the accusations flying through the air, with everything he’d done and every person of interest he’d been photographed with over the years being scrutinized and dragged into the public eye just then, there was a very good chance Casper would have more of his business than he wanted to share with the world splashed all over tabloid headlines.

He couldn’t do that to Casper. Not when he was days away from the most important job interview of his life. Not when Casper had his own life, not to mention the positions he already had with The Brotherhood, and with After the War, at stake. The whirlwind of celebrity was damaging enough for people who entered it willingly. He couldn’t inflict it on someone as sweet and sensitive as Casper.

“Sawyer, are you still there?” Rebecca snapped.

“Yeah,” Sawyer sighed. “I’m just thinking.”

“Well, think a little faster,” Rebecca said as a drawer slammed. “Is this man your boyfriend? Because if he is, we can salvage this. If you’re actually gay, then these queerbaiting accusations will go away. More than that, you’ll probably turn into the darling of the LGBTQ world because of the way the press went after you.”

Sawyer winced and rubbed a hand over his face. “Isn’t it just as wrong to use Casper to gain the sympathy of queer fans as it would be to queerbait them? Isn’t that the same thing?”

“So his name is Casper, is it?” Rebecca asked, missing the point of his ethical dilemma entirely. “Casper what?”

Anyone who knew anything about After the War could figure out it was Casper Penhurst in two seconds. Rebecca just wanted him to confess to her.

“I don’t want my sexuality to be an issue in my career, Rebecca,” Sawyer said, frustration making him curt. “I never wanted that. I deliberately sought to avoid it for years.”

“And now you can’t anymore,” Rebecca said. She didn’t sound sympathetic at all.

All of it was racing quickly toward too much. Once the issue of whether he was gay or not was solved, Sawyer just knew that a mountain of inappropriate questions that he didn’t want to answer would follow. Who was the top in the relationship? What kind of kinks were they into? Where did they go for naughty nights out, and could the cameras follow them?

They were all wildly inappropriate reactions to someone simply liking a guy more than anyone else, but they were always there. The celebrity world was obsessed with sex, no matter how much they tried to deny it.

Rebecca made an impatient sound on the other end of the call. “Alright. I can tell this is hard for you, though God only knows why. Everyone who’s anyone in this business dates to get ahead. Or a behind, in your case.”

Sawyer rolled his eyes. He could see the smirk in Rebecca’s words. It was exactly what he was afraid of.

“I’ll give you until tomorrow to post on social media confirming that you’re gay and stating that you’re dating this Casper fellow,” she went on.

“You can’t do that,” Sawyer argued.

“You can’t afford not to do it,” Rebecca countered. “You’re not a big star yet, you know. Start at the Beginning comes out next week. The big publicity push starts tomorrow. All eyes are going to be on you and the rest of the cast. But by all means, keep your lips and your legs shut and draw focus from the rest of the production as the media falls all over themselves to figure out what you’re hiding. That will play well.” Her sarcasm was thick.

Sawyer wanted to sob with the truth of it all. He didn’t really have a choice. The stakes were already too high. He had to whore himself out to the press as quickly as possible so everyone would forget about him and focus on Start at the Beginning. He’d officially reached the point where keeping his secrets would hurt other people. It could even spell the end of his career if no one wanted to work with him after that.

“Alright,” he sighed, pushing himself off the bureau. “I’ll think of something and make a statement or post or something soon.”

“That’s what I want to hear,” Rebecca said. “See you tomorrow afternoon, love.”

She clicked to end the call, leaving Sawyer feeling like he was dangling off a cliff.

For a few minutes, Sawyer just stood there, his insides trying to rearrange themselves with all the stress he was feeling. He finally found the strength to toss his phone on the bed, then to find his pajamas, change into them, then head to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

If he’d just come out and accepted the embarrassment and awkwardness of admitting he was demi and dealing with the shock and incredulity of all that, this wouldn’t be happening. Casper wouldn’t be in as much jeopardy as he now was. He could have dealt with it all on his own and spared the guy he liked more than anyone else a lot of pain.

But would Casper have ever looked twice at him if he thought there was something wrong with him? Sawyer didn’t think there was anything wrong with not wanting to fuck with every guy that made him look twice, but the rest of the world did. Maybe Casper would have, too. He and Casper had talked enough in the past few weeks for Sawyer to know that Casper had, in the past, had sex and enjoyed it well enough. Would he have bothered becoming friends with Sawyer if he’d thought sex would never be a possibility between the two of them? Was it a possibility?

Sawyer growled at his reflection after spitting out his toothpaste froth, then rinsed his mouth. He wasn’t doing himself any favors by rolling the question around in his head without coming any closer to an answer. The only way he would get anything close to an answer was by talking to Casper.

He finished cleaning up, then left his room, heading down the hall to Casper’s room as quietly as he could. About half of the cast and crew had already headed back to London, and though Sawyer could hear movement and talking elsewhere in the house, he didn’t run into anyone in the hall.

“Come in,” Casper called from the other side of the door as soon as Sawyer knocked. He was just reaching for the door when Sawyer opened it, and he breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of him. “I was hoping it was you.”

Sawyer’s heart turned a somersault in his chest at the sight of Casper’s eager, hopeful expression. He stepped into the room, shut the door behind him, then opened his arms for a hug.

Casper didn’t miss a beat. He greeted Sawyer with the needed hug, wrapping his arms tightly around him and saying nothing.

It might have been the most wonderful fifteen seconds of Sawyer’s life. He’d been so worried, more so than he’d thought, but here Casper was, accepting him just as he was and showing him in exactly the way Sawyer needed. Casper was warm and fit, and their bodies matched so perfectly. At the same time, Sawyer didn’t feel so much as a hint of pressure to go for more.

“Rough day?” Casper asked at last, letting him go. All except his hand. He took Sawyer’s hand and led him to the bed.

Sawyer huffed a laugh and climbed onto the bed with him. “I just got off the phone with my publicist,” he said as the two of them settled to sit cross-legged, their knees touching.

“How did it go?” Casper asked, leaning forward slightly to study him.

Sawyer sent him a wary look. “She’s given me until tomorrow to make some sort of public statement that I’m gay.” He hesitated, then added, “And to say that the two of us are dating.”

Casper swallowed. Sawyer watched the way his Adam’s apple bobbed and felt borderline aroused by it. Whatever those feelings were, they were overridden with anxiety as he waited for Casper to bow out of the whole storm by saying they weren’t dating.

Instead, Casper frowned and said, “It’s ridiculous, in this day and age, that someone should be forced to come out just to satisfy public curiosity. And doesn’t everyone with any sense already know that you’re gay anyhow?”

Sawyer smiled at Casper’s ferocity on his behalf, despite the tension of the situation. “Celebrities always have to feed the public beast,” he sighed.

Casper’s face pinched, and he asked, “Are you certain you want to be a celebrity?”

“No,” Sawyer laughed, reaching for Casper’s hands. He twined their fingers together, watching how they looked together instead of meeting Casper’s eyes. “I do love acting, though,” he said. “I always have. It’s been my happy place, my safe place, and my escape since I was a kid.”

He paused, biting his lip. They’d each talked about their families a little, but he hadn’t been fully honest with Casper about everything.

“I didn’t have the happiest childhood,” he admitted, still looking at their hands and not at Casper’s face.

“Yes, I think I’ve figured that out,” Casper said softly.

Sawyer pulled his gaze up and smiled at him, a little relieved Casper was so perceptive. “My dad was, still is, an alcoholic. My older brother, Derek, grew up just like him. My younger brother, Kenny, was and is useless. Mum tried to help, but her way of helping made everything worse. The only time I could really escape the strain and stress of it all and be free was either when I was goofing off in front of the class, making people laugh at me, or participating in some sort of school play or dramatics.”

He was heartened that Casper was listening intently, and with affection.

“I didn’t actually intend to become a professional or borderline famous actor,” he went on. “I might have been happy to have an ordinary job and to spend weekends and evenings doing some sort of community theater. But I was discovered and landed a part in a small television show, which led to a film, which led to another film. They were all small roles, but I just kept going with it, and now here I am.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” Casper said, squeezing his hands.

“So am I,” Sawyer said, letting out a breath, his shoulders relaxing with it. He frowned at the end of his breath, though. “That’s the problem, really. I’ve painted myself into this corner. All I want to do now, all I can do now, is keep acting. I don’t know what I’d do without my career. I’m not qualified to do anything else.”

“Nonsense,” Casper said. “I’d hire you as my research assistant. Or you would always get a job at Pizza Express.”

Sawyer laughed, feeling so much better in an instant. Casper understood him, got him, like no one else ever had. It felt like they’d known each other for years instead of just a few weeks. Maybe their souls had known each other across multiple lifetimes, including in the Regency.

That thought warmed him, and on a whim, Sawyer leaned forward to touch his lips to Casper’s. It was an impulsive move, something he’d have stopped himself from doing if he let himself think about it. He wasn’t certain it even qualified as a kiss, but it was more than he’d allowed himself with anyone in a long time.

Casper gasped in surprise. When Sawyer pulled back, his heart pounding a mile a minute, Casper’s eyes were wide. Something deep and hot burned within them, and for maybe the first time, seeing that look in another man’s eyes didn’t bring a world of anxiety and pressure with it.

“Could you…would you do that again?” Casper said softly. “I wasn’t ready for it the first time.”

Sawyer drew in a breath. He could do it again. He wanted to do it again. It wasn’t exactly Hollywood romance intense, but he wanted something, and for a change, he wasn’t afraid of it.

He scooted close, unfolding his legs and resting one on top of Casper’s thigh so he could be as close to him as he dared. He then rested one hand on the side of Casper’s slightly stubbly face and leaned in for another kiss.

It was so soft, so tender. Neither of them were breathing. Casper’s lips against his were silky and giving. A sort of magic that made so many other things in the universe make sense spread slowly through him. Of course kissing was beautiful. Of course it felt right.

Casper shifted to lean into him, cupping the back of Sawyer’s head and parting his lips slightly. His tongue brushed across the seam of Sawyer’s lips, and a sudden burst of delicious pleasure reverberated through him. It landed straight in his balls and filled his cock, but for maybe the first time in his life, getting hard with another man didn’t terrify him. It felt good.

He parted his lips to match Casper, changing their sweet kiss into something open-mouthed and sensual. Casper didn’t push or rush him, he allowed Sawyer to get comfortable and explore. Sawyer brushed their tongues together, inching their kiss along just a bit into something that might be considered hot. It was for him, that much was certain.

He was sitting on a bed with a man, their bodies almost wrapped around each other, both of them hard, and kissing. And it felt good. The moment was magical and beautiful and made Sawyer feel like everything would be alright in the end.

“Do you want to call it an early night?” Casper whispered a moment later.

Sawyer blinked, suddenly afraid he wasn’t good enough and Casper was sending him on his way.

“I mean, do you want to get under these covers and snuggle until we fall asleep? Together?” Casper asked in a rush, as if he’d seen Sawyer’s fears.

“Yes,” Sawyer said. “I really do. But I don’t…just in case you were wondering…I wouldn’t….”

“I don’t need anything more than cuddles,” Casper cut him off with a smile. “In case that’s what you were thinking.”

Sawyer gusted out a breath and grinned sheepishly. “One of these days, I’m going to learn that I can trust you and that you aren’t going to take me places I don’t want to go,” he said, moving when Casper moved to reposition themselves under the covers. “Or judge me for it.”

“Too right,” Casper said with just enough humor to reassure Sawyer that they were good. “Oh!” Casper paused just as Sawyer rolled to his back and glanced up at him. “How are you getting back to London tomorrow?”

Sawyer was thrown by the surprise question. “I was going to call a car to take me to the train station.”

“Would you want to drive back with me?” Casper asked. His expression was uncertain, but full of hope.

Sawyer could have laughed. If only Casper knew how desperately he wanted to spend his every waking moment with him. He reached up and cupped Casper’s cheek. “I would love to drive back with you,” he said, his heart racing.

“Good.” Casper smiled, then settled in with Sawyer.

They faced each other, tangling their bodies, and while Sawyer could feel that they were both still semi-hard, there was no expectation that they should do something about it.

“Er, I have an important meeting with my publicist tomorrow afternoon,” Sawyer said, brushing his hand lazily over Casper’s back. “We’ll have to leave at the crack of dawn so I can get home and sort things out there in time.”

“Good thing we’re going to bed early, then,” Casper smiled.

Sawyer answered his smile like they were singing harmony in the most precious song ever composed. Let the outside world tell him he was doing love wrong, he didn’t care. He rested his forehead against Casper’s, breathed in his love’s rich scent, and closed his eyes. This was all he wanted, not acclaim or publicity or followers. He wanted the peace he felt together with Casper.

He drank it all in as the two of them drifted off together, knowing it wouldn’t last.