6. Ash

CHAPTER 6

Ash

I woke in my bed in the Black Tower, buried my face in my pillow, and screamed. I was an idiot. I was a Goddess damned idiot. And feeling that surge of power and peace rushing through me when I’d fully buried myself in Red’s hot, tight sheath wasn’t worth the pain of being reminded of what connecting with a woman felt like.

Goddess, I needed that connection like I needed to breathe and it shredded my soul knowing it would never be mine. She would never be mine.

What the hell was wrong with me? I’d been getting along just fine not remembering that I was missing a part of myself. I fucked humans when I needed a release and I’d been fine.

Fine!

Then I stumble across that stunning, shocking redhead, who made the something inside me that needed a mate whisper, cajole, and taunt me, and I lost my fucking mind.

I shouldn’t have teased her last night and I sure as hell shouldn’t have stuck my cock in her tonight.

But her desire while watching Lark had been mesmerizing and tonight?—

Oh Goddess, tonight!

I’d needed time to think about the three novices who the others had told me to keep an eye on to make sure they adjusted to their new, unwanted life, and didn’t try to kill themselves. I’d also needed to think about the possible troublemakers I’d already identified. And while I could have done my thinking here in the Tower, I’d found myself wandering back to the nook where I’d first seen Red.

I hadn’t thought I’d been going to the nook to look for her. I often sat in that nook to think because it was private, very few people knew about it, and the bedroom it looked into usually wasn’t in use.

But then I saw her on the bench with her head tipped back in pleasure, her mating marks glowing red and pulsing with her desire, and the bodice of her dress pushed aside, exposing her gorgeous, small breasts. Her legs had been spread wide with her dress hiked up to her waist showing me everything, especially how turned on she was, and her finger had been sliding in and out of her slick entrance .

My whole essence had snapped to her and everything else had vanished: my worries over the novices and the trouble various humans and fae were up to in their realms, along with the soul-deep ache of knowing I’d never be mated.

She was stunning, and not just because she was physically beautiful. There was something else about her, something that stole my breath.

I huffed into my pillow.

She made me forget myself, forget that once she actually saw me, she’d be disgusted and never want to be with me again. Every woman who’d seen the real me had looked at the ugly, rough, red scars marring my right cheek with disgust.

And even though I had the magical ability to change my appearance everywhere else, I couldn’t do it in the Garden. I couldn’t even get my spirit form to look the way it had before the horrible night when I’d been burned. My bad decision and the death of that child had been scarred on my body and my soul, and because of that, I’d never fulfill my soul’s need to have a mate.

And there was no way I’d be able to be with Red again, not without her seeing me.

It had actually shocked me that she hadn’t fought me when she’d tried to look up at me and I’d stopped her. But she’d accepted my request to just lie together and had snuggled her perfect body against mine, making me hard all over again even though I’d just had an incredible release.

My soul sang for her, wanted her, begged that she’d fall in love with me and the Goddess would bind us together.

Fuck.

I punched my mattress and screamed into my pillow again.

Fuck fuck fuck. Shadow shit! Fuuuuuck!

No more. I needed to forget about her, do my fucking job, and when the novices got lieu time, get my ass to the pleasure house in Lehyrst and fuck myself into forgetting what Red felt like and sounded like and tasted like.

Fuck! It was a terrible plan.

But it was the only thing I could do. I had to forget about her and I sure as hell couldn’t see her again. Not even a glimpse.

Except I couldn’t tell Rider I didn’t want to meet in the Garden anymore for our command meetings — that would bring up too many questions I didn’t want to deal with. I’d just have to make sure I returned to my body the instant the meetings were done.

Red’s mating marks were full and bright which meant her soul was on the hunt for her mates. Her sexual hunger was increased which was why she’d been so enthralled by Lark and her mates, and why I’d found her fingering herself in the nook .

Of course that didn’t explain why she hadn’t found some other man to satisfy her and had been doing it herself. The whole point of a woman’s increased desires when her marks awakened was to find her best mates. She should be having sex with as many eligible men as possible to find those who were fated for her.

The idea of her having sex had my cock hardening and my balls tightening all over again.

I wanted to have her again and again. I wanted to watch her find her mates, see that glorious look of absolute bliss rush across her expression and listen to her moan and sigh and beg with pleasure. I wanted?—

To Goddess-damned not think about her and sex!

And really, that hadn’t been the point of my train of thought. The point was that she needed to make connections with as many men as possible to find her mates, and I could only pray that would happen quickly. Once she’d bound them to her, my soul would know there was no hope for me and I could forget about her.

And for now, I needed to get back to work.

Get. Back. To. Work.

The first bell rang, telling me it was time to get up and eat, and I struggled to shove the memory of Red as deep down inside me as I could. I had a smith, a farmer, and a boy to keep an eye on, and Talon was particularly worried about the boy.

Of course Talon’s shadow wanted to fuck the boy which was another problem, and Talon wasn’t sure if he should continue the tentative friendship he was developing with Sawyer Herstind or keep his distance.

From what he and Quill told me, Talon’s shadow’s magic had enthralled the boy even while Talon was dressed and not trying to seduce him, something I hadn’t seen happen for almost sixty years, and Talon was afraid the boy would be compelled to his bed against his will.

But, because everything with Talon was fucking complicated, he was afraid if he started keeping his distance from the boy, it would make Sawyer feel even more isolated than he already was, and with the boy pissing off most of the Guard, he had very few friends at the moment.

I got dressed and joined the stream of men heading into the great hall, remembering to look like I was seeing everything for the first time and not like I was ready to kill someone — like how I felt… because I let myself taste something I desperately wanted and knew I’d never have.

Goddess!

I ran my hands through my messy, short-cropped brown hair, and strained to concentrate. Thankfully my magic to change my appearance didn’t require a lot of concentration to maintain. I could even hold it, keeping my identity a secret, while being tortured… not that I wanted to retest that anytime soon .

This time around — I’d forgotten how many times I’d disguised myself as a novice — I’d picked the persona of a soldier so I didn’t have to look completely overwhelmed and I didn’t have to work so hard to be a terrible fighter. The Guardsman’s life was similar to that of any grunt in any army with the exception that Guardsmen were treated better than most grunts. We had our own room with a basin and pump, a bathhouse under the barracks, and a wide variety of fresh food regardless of the season in the human or fae realms thanks to a little fae magic.

The arrangement was to ensure the fae were happy, since we volunteered for the Guard, but it also had the added benefit of helping the humans. They weren’t given a choice to join the Black Guard. Their names were drawn from a lottery, and they were torn away from whatever life they’d had and spent the rest of their short existence here.

I entered the great hall, joined the line leading into the kitchen, and scanned the long tables and benches filling the large space while I waited to get my food.

The great hall was the biggest room in the Black Tower, rising two stories high with large windows over the double doors at the front and along both walls. Right now very little light shone through the windows since it was just past dawn, and the room was lit by magical lanterns and two fires in the enormous hearths on either side of the room.

Hamelin, a novice who’d also been a soldier before his name was drawn in the human’s lottery, sat with Durand, Bramwell, and Mikel. These were the four humans who had the most combat skill and experience and it made sense that they’d be drawn to each other.

Durand, Bramwell, and Mikel were all from families who trained potential Guardsmen. Mikel and Durand’s families were situated in Addur, the capital of the kingdom of Erellod, while Bramwell’s was in the capital of Irialas, a neighboring kingdom.

For a fee of course, these families sent their sons to the Gray in place of a nobleman’s son — since only first born noblemen’s sons were exempt from the lottery.

They were also the four most likely to give the other human novices a difficult time since the other novices were mostly farmers and merchants and had little to no fighting experience.

Everyone when they first arrived, including the novices who were fae, tried to find where they fit in the Guard. Fae usually fit in fine.

We were bigger, stronger, and faster than humans, and while most fae Guardsmen didn’t have magic, a few of us did, making it easy for us to become the warriors we needed to be to defend the Gates of the Realms.

The humans however struggled. There were those who were never going to be strong fighters and they usually got sentry duty on the Tower’s wall and support positions with extra duties in the kitchen, infirmary, or with the quartermaster.

Those humans who could fight and fight well, knew they belonged right away and sometimes made a point of letting those who weren’t as skilled know exactly how unskilled they were… something that was likely going to happen with this year’s group of novices.