18. Quill

CHAPTER 18

Quill

I opened the door and Sawyer sagged onto the edge of his bed, shivering uncontrollably, his complexion shockingly pale.

“You’re not all right.” I set the tray on the chest at the foot of the narrow bed. “I’m going to get Flint.”

“Don’t,” he gasped as I turned to leave. “I’m better than before. A meal and a good night’s sleep is all I need. There’s no point in bothering the healer.”

He lurched forward and grasped my sleeve to stop me, and I caught his arm, steadying him before he collapsed and hit the floor.

A shock of something zinged through my hand and my vision wavered, turning him into his sister, just like how she’d been when I’d said his name in Herstind castle. Then he sagged back onto his bed and my vision cleared .

“Would the healer even know what to do with me?” he asked, his voice small. “Does he know about Talon’s… magic?”

“That it’s… special?” I asked, trying to figure out how much Talon and Rider might have let slip to Sawyer or how much he might have figured out about the nature of Talon’s magic.

“Yes,” Sawyer replied, not giving me much more of a clue about what he did or didn’t know than his hesitation before magic had.

“Flint knows.” But he probably wouldn’t know what to do with Sawyer. Flint’s healing magic specialized in the body, not a person’s soul or spark, and our best guess was that Talon’s shadow consumed something to do with soul or spark. With the exception of making someone a little tired and maybe a bit chilly, the shadow didn’t affect the physical body.

Except Sawyer looked ready to pass out, was far too pale, and couldn’t stop shivering despite still being dressed in his shirt and pants.

“Can we wait until morning? It’s bad enough I was excused from training,” he said through chattering teeth. “If the healer comes running, I’ll look even more spoiled and selfish.”

Or less. If Flint checked him out then at least it would look like we had good reason to put him on bedrest for the rest of the day. Of course, if he was fine by morning then the other Guardsmen could construe Flint rushing to Sawyer’s room as giving the boy special attention.

“Have you at least been able to deal with the effect of Talon’s allure?” I asked, helping him prop himself up against the wall at the head of his bed so he could eat.

“I have,” he replied, his breathy voice belying his words.

“Let me see.” I leaned forward to look in his eyes and check his pupils.

He raised his gaze, and again, for a too-fast pounding of my heart, I saw his sister, those same brown eyes with a hint of emerald as if my mind really wanted her— him to be fae instead of human.

He trembled and his breath picked up, but he managed to meet my gaze. I could still sense his arousal, see it in the tension in his body, but his pupils had returned to normal and weren’t fully covering his irises like they had been before, and he didn’t seem as desperate as he’d been when I’d carried him from the training grounds.

“All right. We’ll wait until morning.”

I grabbed the blankets — he had both the summer and winter ones he’d been assigned on his bed even though it was still summer — and drew them over his body, noticing that he wore the pants he’d ripped the other day. The tear had been so finely stitched it was only noticeable because I was so close.

“Did you stitch that tear yourself?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He dropped his gaze and pulled the blankets up his body almost to his chin. “Lord Rider said I wouldn’t get new pants so I asked the quartermaster for a needle and thread.”

“You’re going to want to show him that.” I grabbed the tray with his food and set it on the narrow bed between us, making his eyes widen in surprise.

“How much do you think I eat?” he asked. “You’re not going to be like Payne who thinks giving me more food is going to make me grow faster. I’m not going to be able to eat all of this.”

“I didn’t know how hungry you’d be.” I picked up one of the slices of warm, buttered bread and took a bite. “The effects of Talon’s magic can make you hungry.” At least — thank the Goddess! — he wasn’t still desperate for a sexual release and I didn’t have to decide if I was going to help him with that or not.

“Not your first time dealing with one of his… donors?” he asked, dipping his spoon into his stew. But when he tried to raise it to his mouth he was shaking so hard there wasn’t much left on the utensil by the time it reached his lips.

“Here, let me help.” I started to move but he tensed, freezing like a small animal caught in Rider’s sights.

“I’ve got it.” He cupped the bowl between his small hands and raised it to his lips, slurping his dinner.

I took another bite of my bread. Did he fear that I’d take advantage of him, or was he just so stubborn he wouldn’t accept help eating when he clearly was too shaky and weak to do it by himself. Even now, the bowl trembled against his lips as if the effort to hold it up was too much for him.

He took another big gulp, bigger than he should have, swallowed and set the bowl back down, gasping for breath. Jeez. It was like he’d already taken lessons from Rider on extreme stubbornness. Except I had a feeling if I told Sawyer that it was all right to ask for help, he’d just nod and ignore me like Rider always did.

Which meant the only thing I could do for him was to be a friend, someone he could trust when things got too difficult for him and he finally reached the end of his rope — which given how stubborn he was would mean that things were completely out of hand and dire.

Rider had to be his commander and he didn’t do feelings very well, Talon probably terrified him now, and he didn’t even know Ash existed. That, and given that none of the novices had tried to befriend Sawyer, Ash was probably one of the other eight human novices we were going to put in the advanced training.

And while Talon had said Sawyer had become friends with Kit, Payne, and Lewin, they were back on a proper hunting shift and would be harder to get a hold of if Sawyer needed help.

Which meant it was up to me to take Talon’s place fostering a relationship with Sawyer, at least until I had to return to my duties at the White Tower.

“You really should show the quartermaster your work,” I said, changing the topic. I was still worried, but pushing him about his condition wouldn’t get me anywhere. “With that kind of skill he’s going to want you mending all our clothes. You’ll never have to muck another stall again.”

“Not sure how the other Guardsmen will take that,” he replied, then took another big gulp of stew.

“Many would say sewing for the quartermaster is a harder job than mucking stables.” I nudged a piece of buttered bread closer to his hand and he picked it up and took a bite. “Payne certainly would. When he first got here he accidentally sewed three sets of pantlegs together before the quartermaster noticed.”

“How could he not know he was sewing pantlegs together?” Sawyer asked as he ripped off another chunk of bread and popped it in his mouth, his lips turned up in a half smile that eased some of the tension in my chest.

“I have no idea,” I chuckled. “He’s far from dumb. I don’t think he’d ever sewn anything in his life before. He’s lucky enough to have two older sisters and one of them makes the most amazing dresses.”

Sawyer’s eyes widened. “Two? That’s rare isn’t it?”

“It is,” I replied. “I’m surprised you know that. ”

Sawyer dropped his gaze, suddenly shy and uncomfortable with me again. “I asked Kit, Payne, and Lewin a little about fae culture before their shift was changed. I figured if half the men I’m going to— ah… spend the rest of my life with are fae, I should probably know more about you— I mean your people.”

Which was smart thinking. Most of the problems between fae and human novices came because of a lack of understanding of each other’s culture. “I’m happy to answer any questions you might have, and I have no doubt once your schedule realigns with Kit and Payne’s again, they’ll be happy to as well.”

He nodded, his gaze still on his shaking hands as he ripped another chunk from the bread. “I think my biggest problem is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I’m not even sure what to ask about.”

“Well what did you ask Kit and Payne?”

“About women?—”

“You did, did you?” I chuckled, a hint of teasing slipping into my tone.

“I mean— I, ah… I know I’m fae-touched but—” His ears turned bright red, but I didn’t know if it was embarrassment over talking about women or admitting he was also sexually attracted to men, so I took a guess?—

“Just because you’re attracted to men, doesn’t mean you can’t also be attracted to women,” I reassured.

He bobbed his head and shoved the piece of bread into his mouth.

“There’s nothing wrong with you for desiring what you desire and no one here will think worse of you for it.” And if they did, Payne would probably pummel them.

“No, they have other reasons to think badly of me,” he huffed. “And rightly so. I honestly didn’t know I shouldn’t have gone through the ring after dark.”

Which was his biggest problem. The other Guardsmen might have been concerned about him because he was a nobleman’s son, but they would have just been concerned about him being lazy and selfish if he hadn’t screwed up so badly just by arriving.

And Talon had just made everything worse for him. If Sawyer had managed to keep his head down for a couple of rotations, the men would have forgiven him for his mistake and grudgingly welcomed him into the brotherhood, because Sawyer didn’t seem selfish at all.

But now, because we’d taken him out of training only three days after arriving, we’d just added to their fears that he was going to be a problem.

And there wasn’t anything I could do about that right now so…

“Why were you asking them about our women?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood again. “Hoping they’re just as pretty as Talon?” I quipped.

“He is rather… striking. ”

Sawyer’s blush swept from his ears across his forehead and cheeks and down his neck, making me groan inwardly at my mistake. I shouldn’t have reminded him of his attraction to Talon, not if there was any trace of Talon’s allure still in his system.

“But no… yes? I overheard some of the fae talking about this Garden and about a new arrival, and Payne had mentioned something about not being eligible for a female mate, and all of that seemed… strange,” he said in a rush.

“It probably is strange to you,” I said. “The first time I visited your realm I’d been shocked at how many women there were. They were everywhere.”

I’d been young, just old enough to be in the Garden, and couldn’t believe my eyes at all the women and children. Then I couldn’t believe my eyes at how many of them were treated… which made me think of his sister.

My pulse picked up and I fought to hide the sudden fear racing through me. I couldn’t lose it on him like I had the other day when I’d learned that their step-father hit both him and his sister. He’d just panic again and clam up and for the sake of my sanity, I couldn’t have that happen.

“We treat our women differently, too. Your sister has lost whatever prospects she might have had running away with you,” I said carefully.

“Her prospects, ” he replied, making prospects sound like a dirty word, “weren’t good or wanted. She’s better off no longer being a nobleman’s daughter.”

“But now what? Her options are limited in your realm.”

“She’ll be all right.” He grabbed his bowl of stew and took another big slurp, keeping his gaze down. I could practically see his emotional walls coming up again.

“She could be better than all right,” I pressed. “I could arrange for her to live in my realm.” Goddess I needed her to be in my realm and safe. “If she can read, I can probably get her a position as an assistant or novice scribe at the White Tower.”

Sawyer’s gaze jerked up to me and again — Goddess be damned again! — I saw her instead of him. “For what price? You don’t know me and you don’t know her. What do you want with her?”

“Nothing. I—” How could I explain to him that I was obsessing over his sister?

No. I couldn’t. No brother wanted to hear that a strange man couldn’t stop thinking about his sister. He was going to think I wanted to have sex with her?—

Did I want to have sex with her?

Yes!

No?

I had no clue. I just had to know she was safe.

“She’s safe where she is,” he replied, his voice soft, except I could hear his unspoken “for now” hanging in the silence as he dropped his gaze again.

“She’s not if she’s alone.”

“She’s not alone.” He took another slurp of his stew, the quivering in his hands increasing. “She just needs to be patient for a few weeks and then everything will be fine.”

Except the word fine came out strained, twisting my worry for her tighter.

“But if I take her to my realm, she won’t have to settle for fine.” I leaned forward and grabbed his wrists, stopping him from hiding behind his stew bowl. “Just tell me where she is.”

“She’s fine.” He trembled in my grip, his skin shockingly cold. “Everything will be fine.”

Except it sounded like he was trying to convince himself of that.

“I’m tired,” he said, his gaze locked on my hands around his wrists. “May I rest?”

I opened my mouth to order him to tell me where his sister was, but managed to snap it shut before saying anything.

What the hell was wrong with me?

She wasn’t my destined mate. She couldn’t be. She was human. I had to stop thinking about her. That, and I’d already figured out Sawyer was stubborn like Rider which meant even if I did command him to tell me her location, he wouldn’t.

No, I needed to be patient. I could get him to tell me the truth, I just needed to be smart about it and win his trust first, not to mention figure out how to stop obsessing about her.