24. Izzy

CHAPTER 24

IZZY

L ola was still messing around with her hair, trying to get it to fall just right. I was folding up the sofa bed so her man wouldn't trip over it. I'd hoped doing something would keep my mind off Spencer, but everything led back to him one way or another. Lola's throw pillows were orange and green, the Ice Bears' team colors. I tossed them away. She put on some music and hummed along, and I thought about Spencer doing the same. He always hummed or sang when there was music.

A knock at the door startled me from my musings. Lola yelped and jumped up.

"I'm not dressed. Can you get that?" She slammed her door shut and I went to answer, but when I peered through the peephole, it was just Leon.

"It's just Leon," I called.

Lola didn't answer.

I opened the door and saw he'd brought Spencer. My heart did a flip-flop. I wasn't ready for this. It occurred to me I could slam the door in their faces, and when Lola asked me, I'd say it was no one.

"Hey, guys," I said. "What are you doing here?"

Leon opened his mouth to answer, but Lola popped out. She bounded over and flung her arms around him.

"Lee! Who's your friend?"

I caught Spencer's eye. Lee? He shrugged at me, helpless, and Leon kissed Lola.

"So her Lee's our Leon?"

"And Lola's Delores." Spencer shook his head, chuckling, but I thought he looked nervous. Lola pushed Leon off her.

"Wait, what's going on?"

"We know each other," I said. "Leon's my other roommate."

Lola stared, dumbstruck, at Leon, then me. Then she shrieked like a steam whistle. "So, you're saying this whole time, you could've been spilling his secrets? Pointing him out in your high school yearbook? Did he wear glasses? Ooh! Was he hot? Was he most likely to?—"

"Nope! None of that." Leon shot me a warning look. I did have our yearbook.

"How did none of us see this?" Lola's eyes had gone round. "I've been seeing you months now, and it never came up?"

"I mentioned my roommates."

"The secret sex bunnies?"

Spencer choked. " What? "

"You guys weren't quiet." Leon rolled his eyes. "And it's not like I ever told her your names."

"Well, the cat's out of the bag. Secret sex bunnies …" Spencer rubbed at his temples. His ears had gone red.

"Let's get out of here," said Leon, and grabbed Lola's hand. "These two need to talk, and we're late for dinner."

"Oh, yeah, I'm starving." Lola glanced my way. "You okay on your own?"

My heart was stuck somewhere halfway up my throat, but I nodded anyway. Yeah, I was fine. Lola hugged me and whispered, remember, be honest , and then she was gone, and the door slammed behind her. We stood in her front room, just me and Spencer, and the tight space felt small and airless. I gulped a deep breath, and then another. I needed more oxygen. A breath of fresh air.

"We should sit down," said Spencer. He made no move to sit. I stayed standing a moment, then my knees gave out. I plopped down on the sofa and sank into the cushions.

"This thing eats people. Ugh, my leg's stuck."

Spencer chuckled at that, and he sat down beside me. He sank in as well, and we both laughed, self-conscious.

"So, listen," he said. "My coach said something a while back, and it's been on my mind."

I hid a grimace. "Your coach?" He wanted to talk about hockey?

Spencer looked at the ceiling, then down at his feet. He shuffled them back and forth on Lola's worn carpet. "He says I reject myself. I think I'm a loser. I convince myself I can't win, and that makes it true."

"You're not a loser," I said, fighting disappointment. I didn't care about this, at least not right now. He'd lost the cup, sure, and that had to sting, but he'd lost me before that. Wasn't that worse? Didn't he have anything to say about that?

Spencer studied his feet some more, then looked up at last. His blue eyes were sad, his lips a tight line. "I was, as a kid. A loser, I mean. I failed second grade. I could barely read. I was short. I was dumb. My ears stuck out like a chimp's. Kids made the noises, y'know, oo-oo-oo." He thumped his fists on his chest like a hooting gorilla.

I frowned, confused. Something wasn't adding up. "You failed second grade? But you were smart. You were almost valedictorian, so?—"

"Not then, I wasn't." He rubbed at his face. "I needed glasses, but nobody knew. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't read. I was chimp boy, and man, that stuck to me like glue. It made the jump to high school, even my yearbook… I was most likely to eat a banana."

"No, you weren't."

"Yeah, I was. Remind me to show you. But that's not the point." Spencer tried to get up, but the couch had him trapped. He sat straighter instead. "What I'm trying to tell you is, Coach was right. I do that. I reject myself before I can get rejected. I know I'm not still that kid, but I still have his instincts. I still move to protect myself when I'm about to get hurt."

I couldn't quite catch my breath, or catch hold of his meaning. It felt like he was trying to tell me something important, circling around it, missing the point. He seemed as nervous as I was, and angry as well, brows drawn together, mouth turned down.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. Maybe you were about to dump me that night. Maybe that was what you meant by ‘let's talk.' But I never let you get to it. I dumped myself first. I said all that stuff, all that awful bullshit — you never distracted me. I never meant that. But I couldn't tell you how I really felt."

The breath caught in my throat. "How you really felt?"

"How I felt. How I still feel." Spencer grabbed for my hands, but then he pulled back. He held his hands out to me and I took them myself. "I won't lose my mind again if you don't feel the same way. I guess maybe you don't, but?—"

"You're doing it again."

Spencer laughed, shaky. "Yeah. Yeah, I am. So, okay, let's do this. I'm just going to tell you. I fell for you hard, and at first, I thought — I thought you were with me, but then you were moving to New York. You never even asked me, not that you'd need to, but I still thought you might if you saw a future. I thought maybe?—"

"I'd have talked to you if it was real."

Spencer gripped my hands tighter. "If it was real?"

"I applied for a few jobs. All the ones that looked good. If that'd been the only one I ended up getting, yeah, I'd have talked to you. Tried to work something out."

Spencer's eyes narrowed. "Work something out?"

"I wasn't dumping you that night. I fell for you too."

"You did?" Spencer's voice had gone hoarse. "I— Izzy, I love you. I want to be with you. That's what I feel for you, and I have for a while. You've always been there for me. You're my best friend. When I had my injury, you were right there. You took off work for me, and I know that was hard. I know you were up all night keeping up with the douchebros. What I'm trying to say is, I want to be that for you. I want to be there for you every day, every way. It might be too late, but I need you to know that."

I sat frozen, breathless, butterflies in my chest. He was saying all the right things, everything I'd wanted to hear. Everything I'd dreamed of, but would he still want me? Would he still want to be with me once he knew I was pregnant?

I dropped my gaze, nervous, and stared at our hands. "There's something I need to tell you as well."

"Leon already told me you found a job here."

"Not that." I shifted, sinking into the sofa. "We, uh… I know we were careful. But things happen sometimes, and it turns out…"

"What?"

I squeezed his hands hard. Did he really not get it?

"I think I know what you're saying, but could you actually say it?" Spencer's voice shook. I risked a glance up. His eyes were wide, shining. Was that… excitement?

I closed my eyes and breathed deep. "Spencer, I'm pregnant."

He didn't make me wait for it. Didn't keep me in suspense. He dropped my hands and jumped up, and let out a cheer. Then he pulled me up with him and spun me around. It took a couple of spins for his forehead to furrow.

"This is good news, right? You're as happy as I am?"

"Yes! Yes, I'm happy. And you want this? You're sure?"

"With you? Of course I'm sure." He swept me into a hug. "This is the best news. We'll be the best family. You'll build us a house. I'll teach our kids hockey. We'll have summer vacations and pizza Fridays, and we'll take them to Disneyland, and hang a tire swing. I'm thinking Stella for a girl, Andrew for a boy."

"Our middle names?" So he'd thought about this? Pictured us, maybe, the same way I had? I could hardly believe it, but at the same time, I could. It all felt so right, me and Spencer together. Building our dream house. Raising our kids.

"Pinch me," said Spencer.

I laughed. "Pinch you? Why?"

"So I know it's not a dream this time. Go on, pinch me hard."

I tweaked his ear hard. He spun away, groaning, then he spun back. He caught me up in his arms and kissed me like he meant it, a long, burning kiss to seal our shared future. Fire rose in my belly, every emotion — joy and desire, excitement, triumph. Spencer was here with me, and he felt how I felt. He wanted what I wanted, our baby. Our life. All my dreams had come true, and I had them in my arms.