23. Spencer

CHAPTER 23

SPENCER

I was watching TV when it hit me, my gym bag.

It came flying out of nowhere and bounced off my head, then rolled down my chest and into my lap. I swatted it off me.

"What the hell, Leon?"

"You've been moping for days now. Come on, get up. We're going to play squash."

"I'm not moping," I said. "I'm just tired from the season."

"Tired, huh, is that it?" Leon plopped down beside me. He stretched out his legs to block my escape. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Izzy moving out?"

I shot him a black look. "What did she say?"

"Not a damn thing, but come on. I'm not stupid."

I glanced at my phone where it lay on the table. It had buzzed three times today, once from Coach Nelson. Once from Enrique wanting to hang out. Once from some gym-wear brand wanting my endorsement. I'd left them all on read. I'd get to them later.

"Izzy's fine," I said. "She got a new job. I guess she outgrew us, so good for her."

"Outgrew us." Leon snorted. "You think I don't know."

I was in no mood for games. "You don't know what?"

Leon slapped his own forehead. "You must think I'm blind, or some kind of fool. You think you were subtle with your sneaking around? Giggling in doorways? Hiding in her room? I know what you were doing, and I know it's all done."

I shrugged, feeling petulant. "So, fine, you know. Guess that means you shouldn't have any questions."

"Oh, I have questions. Like, what the hell happened? One minute you're happier than I've ever seen you, both of you lovestruck, mooning around. The next, you're this sad sack laid on the couch. What'd you do, cheat on her?"

"What? No! Of course not." I whacked at his arm, but he ducked away.

"Talk to me," he said. "What went wrong with you two?"

I pushed my hair off my face. I needed a haircut. "I don't know what went wrong. It didn't work out. I thought it might, but it didn't, and yeah. Here we are."

Leon eyed me, suspicious. "That's not the whole story."

"What do you know?"

"I know you and Izzy. You were meant for each other. And you finally saw it, and now you're not talking? What did you do? I know it wasn't Izzy."

I couldn't muster the energy to be offended. I swung a pillow at Leon, but without any strength. It bounced off his knee and landed on my gym bag.

"I didn't do anything," I said. "But neither did she. It was just… it was just, it didn't work out."

Leon picked up the pillow and set it back in place. "See, I don't get that. You two were great. And don't say you weren't, because I was there. I saw you. You brought out the best in her, that confident side. And Izzy had you back on your game. You both seemed so happy, so…" He frowned and sat straighter. "Okay, so stop me if this is none of my business, but you're both my best friends. I've got to ask. What happened between you? Why did she say she left?"

I thought back to our fight. It had blurred in my head, all but the worst moments. She'd called me a douche. She'd said we were done. She'd walked straight out the front door without saying goodbye.

"It was supposed to be fun," I said. "And it was, for a while."

"But then?"

"But then she was done." I shook my head, knowing that was a lie, or at best a half-truth. Not the whole story. "She wanted things for her life. Still wants them, I guess. She's moving on, and I'm part of her old life."

Leon's brows rose. "She said that to you?"

"No, not exactly, but what do they say? Actions speak louder than words, and she was acting a lot. Looking at apartments. Applying for jobs in New York. I think she'd have moved there if they had hired her. I never came into that, so?—"

"They did hire her."

I stared at Leon. "What did you say?"

"I mean, they tried to hire her. They offered her the job. She went for a different one, right here in town."

I sat stunned, blindsided, trying to digest that. She could've gone to New York, but she'd chosen to stay. But that didn't mean she'd done it for me. She could've picked the job she did for any number of reasons, good benefits. Room for advancement.

"She still applied," I said. "She didn't feel how I felt."

Leon pressed his lips together. "And how did you feel?"

I felt my chest squeeze and my stomach turn over. How I felt around Izzy, how to describe that? I swallowed hard and said the first thing that came to me. "I felt like if she'd let me, I'd be hers forever. I'd work my whole life to earn her smiles. I fell for her hard, but she didn't feel the same way."

Leon closed his eyes like he was trying not to roll them. "Did you ask how she felt?"

"Not exactly, but?—"

"Did you tell her how you felt?"

"I tried to show her. I made her this dinner, but she kept talking about work."

Leon made a choking sound, close to a chuckle. "So you made dinner for someone you care about, and who cares for you, and she talked to you about what's going on in her life. And somehow, you took that to mean she didn't want you?"

When he put it that way, it sounded ridiculous. But he hadn't been there. He hadn't heard her. She'd seemed so excited about moving on.

"You need to tell her," said Leon.

I scowled. "It's too late."

"How is it too late? She's ten minutes away. We can drive over right now and you can tell her you love her, and maybe she'll tell you she loves you too."

"And maybe she won't."

"Maybe she won't, but think, if she does. You could have that whole life with her. All of her smiles. You could have it all with her, the house, the kids. Whatever your dreams are, you could build them together."

I let myself picture that just for a second, my life with Izzy. Our lives together. I saw us in a new house, one we'd picked together, with a green lawn and a white picket fence. Maybe she'd even design us a house. She'd build it out perfect with a gym and a pool, a sunny conservatory for when she worked from home. We'd have two kids, no three, so there'd be a tiebreaker. A big hairy dog, a golden retriever.

"And if she doesn't," Leon went on, "well, then, at least you'll have no regrets. You'll know you went to her and put your cards on the table. If she still tells you no, then that's her loss."

"Her loss," I repeated, though that wasn't true. If Izzy didn't want me, the loss would be mine. But the rest of what Leon said, he made a good point. I'd always wonder what could've been if I didn't come clean with Izzy. If we could've had that house and our three noisy kids.

"Go shower," said Leon. "You know where she's staying?"

"Yeah, with some work friend near Silver Hill."

"Great. I'm headed out there to pick up Delores. I'll drop you off and you two can talk."

I stood up stiffly. "I can drive myself."

Leon winced. "Actually, you can't. I hate to pile on more bad news, but you've got a flat."

It hurt that my first thought was I'd get Izzy to change it. Not because I couldn't do it myself, but because she loved messing around in the garage. She was always out there fixing her car, doing stuff to it to make it drive better. It helped her destress, she said, working with her hands. I missed that about her, and a million other things. All the little qualities that made her who she was.

"Ten minutes," I said. "I'll just grab that shower."

I showered fast, and we piled into Leon's work van. It always smelled good in there, like savory pastries. I took a deep whiff of it and tried to stay calm. I couldn't go losing it like I'd done before, when Izzy came to me saying we needed to talk. I'd jumped to conclusions and got my back up. Gone on the offensive for no reason at all. This time, I'd fight for her instead of against her. I'd show her my heart, and maybe?—

"Which way?" Leon slowed for a stoplight. I checked my phone.

"Map says go right. It should be around here."

The light turned green again and Leon swung right. I squinted to check the numbers on the buildings rolling by.

"It's one of these buildings. I think it's that white one." I pointed a block up and Leon frowned.

"That's her building."

"Whose?"

"My girlfriend's. Delores. I'm meeting her, remember?"

I'd forgotten all about her, caught up in Izzy. Now he reminded me, a weird notion struck me. "Does Delores ever go by a nickname, like Lola?"

Leon pulled a face. "Sometimes, at work. But she hates that name. People come up to her and sing Copacabana."

"Izzy's work friend's called Lola. The one she's staying with."

Leon pulled up outside Lola's building. He peered up at the windows. "Delores is in suite three-oh-four."

I laughed out loud. "So's Lola."

"So, they're the same person, my Delores. Her Lola." He smacked himself in the head. "How did none of us catch that?"

"You were in a love haze."

"And so were you two." Leon pulled off his seat belt. "You getting out?"

I was in no way prepared for this, but I guessed I might never be. Sometimes, the only thing to do was jump in. I got out of the van and we headed upstairs. Halfway up, I stopped walking and glanced over at Leon.

"You know what I just realized?"

He frowned at me. "What?"

"The night you met Delores was the night me and Izzy hooked up. You stood me up for her and I went home to Izzy. If you hadn't done that, none of this would've happened."

"You're welcome," said Leon, and he kept walking. I plodded up after him, but my stomach was churning. Leon seemed convinced this would go well, that me and Izzy were a good thing, and she'd forgive me. But he hadn't seen her face when she walked away. She hadn't even said goodbye to me, just turned and left.

Leon reached the door first, and he knocked loudly.

The speech I'd been preparing flew out of my head.