14. Ash

CHAPTER 14

ASH

I smile as I breeze through mucking out the horse stalls. It finally feels like I'm getting the hang of it.

I had so much fun at The Roadhouse, but even more fun connecting with Kayla. It was great to see her let her hair down.

I struggle to wrap my head around there only being one bar in Camarillo Plains, but I guess that's small towns for you.

It makes sense why the town is so protective of Kayla. Everyone knows everyone. I can't imagine growing up this way. I grew up not knowing half the people in my neighborhood. I couldn't pick the mailman out of a lineup.

Whenever Kayla walked away from me at the bar, one of the guys would threaten to hurt me if I hurt her. I doubt any of them could take me in a fight, but I like that she has people looking out for her.

I told them there was nothing going on between us, but they laughed.

The atmosphere and camaraderie remind me of my hockey teammates. There's something about being confined to a space and going through tough times together that really bonds you.

It made me miss them. I've been avoiding checking social media — or any media. When I watched sports the other night, I made sure it was anything but hockey. I don't want to know how the team is doing, because either way it sucks for me.

It was harder at the bar because everyone wanted to talk about hockey. They also put hockey on the TVs. I turned my focus to Kayla and the people around me as much as possible.

Some of the local women tried to hit on me, but I brushed them off. All I wanted was Kayla. I found it hard to keep my eyes off her.

I liked that we got a chance to talk. It felt like I was peeling back another layer to her.

I obviously felt an initial physical attraction to her, but it feels deeper than that. I kept trying to deny it, but once the drinks were flowing, I let my guard down.

I'm glad I did, because the connection between us is intense. It's scary, but in a good way. It's like nothing I've ever felt before.

She's addictive. I want more of her, and in the past few days, I've had her a lot. I can't get enough.

There's an intangible thing between us that makes me feel like I've had twenty cups of coffee.

When I asked her if she wanted to forget it ever happened, it felt like an eternity before she answered. I could feel my heart racing, and it was the longest few minutes of my life.

I studied her as she thought about it. I kept flipping back and forth between hope and disappointment the longer she took to answer. Then she sauntered over in nothing but my T-shirt and said exactly what I was hoping she would.

I wanted to really take in the moment. I wanted to remember every second. It felt like a dream, and I was afraid it would end.

As much as I'd hoped something would happen between us, I never thought it would. She seemed so uninterested.

Kissing her and being with her feels like breathing in fresh air. It's something I didn't realize I was missing. So, I've been soaking up every moment, and we've gotten into a bit of a routine.

Now that I've gotten the hang of the chores, I'm really enjoying myself. There's something fulfilling about taking care of animals, fixing up the cabins and getting my hands dirty.

Hockey will always be something I enjoy, but I didn't realize I could find just as much joy in other things.

Going out and partying was always something I enjoyed, too. I loved getting lost in the crowds, the girls, the drinking, and the music. It made me feel whole. It's starting to hit me that maybe I was searching for this. I was searching for a real connection. It all seems hollow compared to her.

If I could've heard my own thoughts a month ago, I would've kicked my own ass. It's insane to feel like this about someone when I know I'm going to leave. I shove the thought out of my mind.

I can't even imagine what Jack is going to say. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.

As much as hockey players joke about hooking up with each other's sisters — and sometimes we do hit on them — it's not a line you cross if it's your own teammate.

In our younger years, we definitely did cross that line. We were young and stupid. But as we grew as a team and formed a strong bond, it became an unspoken rule.

A pit forms in my stomach at the thought of disrespecting Jack. He's a pretty easygoing guy, but like most brothers, I assume he's overprotective. Given I didn't know about Kayla's existence until now, I think it's a guarantee.

I hate that I'm playing into the stereotype. I hate that I'm living up to my image.

I don't think he'll believe me if I say this is different.

I think back to all the girls in college and all the girls since then. I've had a lot of fun. Up until now I've kept a rotation of women who come with me to events or parties. Sometimes I sleep with them; sometimes I just enjoy their company.

I've known a lot of these women for years, yet none of them come close to the connection I have with Kayla.

It's so unexpected. I don't know how I could have come to feel so strongly in such a short period of time. It's thrown me.

I don't think that'll matter to Jack. He's seen me go through girls like I've gone through underwear. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. If I were him, I would've told Kayla to stay far away from me!

I've never been in an actual relationship. A situation-ship, maybe. A long-term booty call, sure. There's never been an actual relationship, though.

I wonder if this is what everyone experiences at the start of a relationship. There's such an all-consuming intensity, and I can't stop thinking about her.

But I know we aren't in a relationship. I keep pushing the thought away. I don't want to focus on it. The thought is there, though, like a dark cloud hovering over me.

I shove down any thoughts of leaving here and try to stay in the moment.

Kayla rides by on a horse, and I smile. Right here, right now, I'm content.