CHAPTER 31

“How long are you staying? Just tonight?” Kendra asked. “Or tomorrow night, too?”

“I found a seat on your flight, actually. I was thinking that when we get to the airport, we could see if we could get seats together.”

“That sounds good,” Kendra said, looking and sounding unemotional as she sat down on the desk chair instead of on the king bed next to Aspen.

“You’re making me nervous, Kendra.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.”

“Should I go? I know I just showed up on you. If you’re not ready to talk, I–”

“No, I’m more than ready,” Kendra interrupted. “For this thing to really start between us. I feel like it’s been there since I moved in next door. We’ve been busy flirting and talking about it but not actually talking about it, and I want to talk about it now, Aspen.”

“Good. So do I. Where do we start?”

“You scare me.”

Aspen’s mouth opened, but she didn’t say anything.

“You scare me in a way no one else ever has,” Kendra added.

“Oh,” Aspen let out, wondering where Kendra could be going with this and hoping that it was good. “Sorry?”

Kendra smiled and said, “Don’t be. It’s a good thing. It’s just a new thing, too.”

“Why do I scare you?”

“When you were in Rio, you asked me to send you a picture of me in a towel.”

“Oh, I remember. I saved that picture to my phone, by the way. I hid it in a folder called ‘budget spreadsheets,’ so no chance anyone I know would look for it there.”

Kendra laughed a little and said, “I took it, and I sent it knowing that you could see this.” She pointed to her chest.

“See what? Your boobs? Trust me, I’d remember if your boobs were in that picture, Kendra Bowie.”

“No, babe. My scar. You could see the top of my scar in the picture, and I still sent it.”

“Oh,” Aspen replied and considered. “I didn’t even notice.”

“You didn’t notice the bumpy, pink line in the middle of my chest sticking out from the towel?”

“No. I noticed your smile, your collarbones, your shoulders. And your neck. You have a long neck. That got a lot of my focus,” Aspen admitted.

Kendra looked down and said, “Then, I sent you that video, and I didn’t even notice that the towel had slipped, and you could see more.”

“I guess I could. Still not seeing the problem here, Kendra.”

“Aspen, I showed you my scar that day on the beach. You brought up what you’d found out about why I had to quit playing, and I pulled my shirt down a little. You saw my scar.”

“Barely.”

“But you saw it. Then, you’re getting me to take pictures in a towel, and I’m sending them to you.”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to send me something you weren’t comfortable with. It was a joke. I didn’t think you’d go through with it. I’m sorry, Kendra.”

“No, you don’t have to apologize. I sent it because I wanted to, not because I felt pressured to do it, Aspen. That’s sort of the point.”

“Okay,” she said and waited for Kendra to say more.

“Aspen, I don’t let anyone see my scar. I’m not sure anyone but the surgeons and nurses have ever seen the whole thing. Maybe my mom because she helped me recover, but that’s it.”

“No one? I know you didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want people on the beach to see it.”

“No.” Kendra shook her head. “And yes, that means anyone I’ve been with. My exes. Not that there are all that many, but none of them have seen it.”

“Okay,” Aspen said, not sure why they were talking about this right now. “Was this what you were worried about?”

“While it might not sound like a big deal right now, I was with a woman for two years, and at first, she was fine with it, too. Eventually, though, she told me to go talk to someone about my issue and was upset because I never wanted to take my shirt off around her. I didn’t shower with her, and she wanted that. And I… well, during sex, I kept a shirt on.”

“Wait. Your ex told you to talk to someone?”

“Yes.”

“Not, like, asked if you wanted to or if you’d thought about it, but told you to go talk to someone?”

“She asked at first, but I told her that I didn’t want to, so she told me that I needed to eventually. We were having other problems by that point, so it didn’t matter. We weren’t really having sex at all, and she’d lost all interest in taking a shower together. She said what did it for her was that I was changing in my room by myself, and when she walked in from the kitchen where she’d grabbed coffee for us, I held the shirt to my chest because I didn’t want her to see it. She thought I’d eventually be able to show her, but I was never able to.”

“So, you’re worried that I won’t want this because I might not get to see you shirtless?”

“Yes,” Kendra said. “And it will start to bother you, Aspen.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, anything. That’s what this is all about.”

“You said you showed me. You sent that picture. You pulled down your shirt. You sent that video. You even told me the whole story when you hadn’t done that before.”

“I haven’t.”

“But you did with me. What does that mean?”

“I think it means that while it still bothers me, and I have some things I need to deal with there, it’s… It’s not as bad when I’m with you, Aspen.” Kendra met her eyes and gave her a shy smile. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be totally comfortable showing it to you, though. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about this now, because if that’s important to you, if you’re going to think that I’m withholding or not willing to share a part of myself with you, and that’s going to be something that–”

“It won’t be,” Aspen interrupted.

“You can’t know that. It might bother you later. It’s not even about the scar, really; I don’t think. It’s about the trust thing. And she thought I–”

“Kendra, I think you’re beautiful. I would love to see all of you one day, to show you how beautiful I think you are everywhere I can touch, but I’d never push you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m secure enough in myself and, I think, in our relationship to know that it’s not about me. It’s not about you not feeling like you can share something with me.”

“No, it’s not. It’s a me thing.”

“I know. I get it. I won’t lie to you: I’d love it if, one day, things changed, and you were good with me seeing it and touching you everywhere. But if you’re not, I’m not going to be upset with you about it. And I’d never tell you to talk to someone if you didn’t want to or think you needed to.”

“I don’t know if I need to. Maybe I should’ve been talking to a therapist all along.” Kendra laughed a little. “My mom recommended it at first, and I considered it, but it wasn’t until I started dating and, well, you know, that I realized how much it had impacted me. At the time, though, I was still too angry about it to consider letting even a stranger in.” She leaned forward and took both of Aspen’s hands in her own. “You feel different, Aspen. You don’t make me feel bad about still being upset that I missed out on something. You make me feel like I can be more than what I am and that I can let the anger and disappointment go because it’s not getting me anywhere. Hell, I shared the story with you, and you didn’t even remotely suggest that I should be over a thing that happened to me when I was a teenager, and then again, with my surgery.”

“What? I’d never tell you that.”

“I know. And that’s part of what makes you different.”

“So, what you’re saying is that you don’t want me to get my hopes up?”

“I guess so.”

“Okay,” she replied quickly.

“Okay, what?”

“Okay, I won’t get my hopes up. Now, I’m starving. Are you hungry? Do you want to go out or order in? I think we should go out. I’m all dressed up, and I was hoping we could make tonight our first official date.”

“Aspen!”

“What?”

“Babe, I’m being serious here.”

“Yeah, I know. So am I. I’m not getting my hopes up. Look, Kendra.” She squeezed Kendra’s hands. “I want you. I want this. I want us to go out on a real date tonight, and I’d like us to make this official. You and me; together. I don’t want anyone else. Let me be clear, too, here because this is important: when I tell you that you’re beautiful, I mean you are beautiful to me inside and out. And I don’t mean in spite of that scar on your chest. I mean, in part, because of it. The strength you must have had to handle everything you’ve gone through… God, babe. I don’t know that I would’ve had that kind of strength. And I’m not just saying that, either. It’s the truth. For the most part, I’ve had things handed to me. I’ve worked hard; don’t get me wrong. But you’ve said it yourself: I have the natural talent for a sport I love. And I’ve made money at that sport, so it’s also a career that I love. I’ve not had any major injuries or reasons that I couldn’t compete.”

“Aspen!” Kendra half-yelled and let go of one of Aspen’s hands to knock on the desk behind her.

Aspen smiled, leaned forward, and cupped Kendra’s cheek.

“You are who I want, okay? All of you. I think you are amazing. You’re so smart, babe. You understand the game in a way not many people do. And you’ve helped us with that knowledge. You care about the sports you cover. And don’t think I don’t see you trying to cover as many women’s games as possible. I know you turned down some NBA games last year so that you could cover indoor volleyball, even though the network wanted you there. That’s badass, Kendra. Plus, you’re funny, and you care so much, and I just want to be with you.”

“How do you know it won’t be a problem later?”

“I don’t. But anything could be a problem later. You could end up hating me for any number of reasons.”

“I could never hate you, Aspen.”

“You know what I mean, though. We could do this for a while and end it because of something completely unrelated to this. We could also maybe last forever, and one day, you might just–”

“Aspen…”

“I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m just saying that it’s a possibility. Kendra, you know I’ve already seen it, right? Maybe for only a second, but I’ve seen it. The only thing I care about is that you are healthy; that what they did to make that scar fixed the problem with your heart because I want you to be around for a very, very long time. Like, forever, maybe, if you’re interested in that at all with someone. Or, me. Mainly me. I’m asking for me.”

Kendra chuckled and said, “I want forever with someone, yes.”

“Okay. Can we maybe try that, then? Starting with a date tonight?”

“You’re really not worried?”

“No, I’m not. But I’m also trying not to say that I’m not worried because I think we’re going to be just fine because you’ll tell me that you don’t want me to get my hopes up again.”

“Aspen, babe, I…”

“Kendra, you haven’t even noticed, have you?” Aspen smiled and picked Kendra’s hand up, turning it over in her own and kissing the inside of her palm.

“Noticed what?”

“In the car, after Mark’s birthday party, you unbuttoned your shirt. I didn’t look, but I noticed. I noticed that you did it, and that it was right there for me to see if I looked down. I’ll be honest and admit that I would’ve been looking at your cleavage instead, but I could have seen it. You showed me. I don’t even know if you noticed that you’d done it.”

“I forgot about that,” Kendra said softly. “I guess I didn’t notice, no.”

“I guessed that was the case because you just did it again right now.”

“What?”

Aspen pointed to Kendra’s white button-down. It had been buttoned up all the way to the top when they’d gotten into the room, but when they’d started talking, Kendra had undone one of the buttons. She’d just undone another one. She still had an undershirt on beneath it, so Aspen couldn’t actually see much, but she could see just a little of the scar Kendra seemed so worried about revealing. Kendra looked down and noticed it, too. She placed her hand over her chest and looked back up at Aspen.

“So, now that that’s out of the way, can you please go on a date? With me? Now?” Aspen asked, knowing that she was taking a chance.

Kendra nodded.

“Okay. I’m going to go out in the hallway and knock. I want to do this right. Do you want to change out of your work clothes? Personally, I’m hoping that you don’t because I think you look amazing in everything you wear, including that shirt, that hot-as-hell blazer, and those slacks that make your ass look great, but I probably shouldn’t say all of that before we go on our first date.”

Kendra smiled and said, “I’m good. You don’t have to go outside and knock, Aspen. I think we’ve done a lot of this out of order already. What’s one more thing?”

“We’ve done it in our order. That’s what matters.” Aspen stood up. “And I’m still going to pretend like I’m picking you up. On the plane, I checked out the area, and we have a few options, so think about if you want Thai, burgers, pizza, or French.”

“What do you want?”

“No,” Aspen said.

Kendra stood, so Aspen pulled the woman into her and kissed her on the nose before she wrapped her arms around her.

“You decide,” she whispered into Kendra’s ear. “Do you know that I don’t even care that we lost to Norway? All I wanted to do, when you told me that we needed to talk, was get back to you.” She kissed under Kendra’s ear. “I’ve never wanted anything more than volleyball before, but that’s changed now, Kendra. So, you decide where we go to dinner, and when we get back, I’ll decide on the movie we’re going to watch before sleep.”

When Kendra nodded, Aspen pulled out of the hug and stared into Kendra’s eyes.

“Okay. I need to go out there now because I want to kiss you and not leave this room at all, and that’s not a first date, so…”

Aspen took a few steps back, looked at Kendra once more, turned, and headed for the door. She let it close behind her and let out a deep sigh. They were okay. They would be okay.