CHAPTER 10

Kendra hadn’t known how to act at dinner the previous night. She hadn’t planned on coming out to Aspen and still wasn’t sure if she technically had. Admitting to dating Monica when they were in college probably did it, but there was always that stereotype – or, maybe it was a joke, she wasn’t sure – about women experimenting with other women in college. She supposed Aspen could’ve thought that of her, but that wasn’t likely. At dinner, it had felt too much like a double date, which, she knew, was her own fault because she’d invited Monica and Selena. She’d only done that to try to get out of a dinner alone with Aspen because she needed to get some separation.

Her producer had called her right before they were supposed to leave for the night, and he hadn’t given her good news. Another of the producers at the network had just been terminated due to his involvement with an employee at the network. He’d been married, so there would now be a scandal when the news broke, and a sexual harassment lawsuit would probably follow. Kendra had been told in advance because they were now all required to come into the network offices for a mandatory sexual harassment training, and she would be interviewed by their HR department and possibly investigators should that lawsuit come to fruition since she’d also worked with that producer. He’d known that Kendra was a lesbian and hadn’t ever given her any trouble, but it had shaken her all the same.

Aspen wasn’t a co-worker in any sense of the word, and Kendra was free to date her should she choose, but after that call and the fact that she now had to go through all of that, she’d frozen at dinner. Aspen had been kind and maybe mildly flirtatious, if Kendra had picked up on that correctly, but Kendra had remained frozen. It had also been awkward, watching Monica and Selena, who occasionally leaned into one another to share a brief kiss and had their hands all over each other otherwise. She wasn’t upset with them or even annoyed – Monica had waited for years to finally be with the woman she loved, so Kendra was happy for her – but sitting across from them with a woman she hardly knew, had just come out to, and had a crush on that was turning into more than just a crush, after getting that phone call, had thrown her off in a big way. Now, she worried she’d upset Aspen in the process.

She was watching the match in front of her between Aspen and DJ and Monica and Selena. Aspen and DJ were winning, and by a large margin. Kendra wasn’t sure who she was supposed to root for, exactly, because Monica had been her best friend since she was seventeen years old, but Aspen was the woman she liked, who had flirted with her just the previous night. Of course, Kendra could be wrong about that. Aspen might have just been nice to her and not flirting. She’d thought the arm over the back of her chair had been intentional and not for comfort, but Kendra had been burned by women she thought liked her before, and she wasn’t about to put herself out there with Aspen Ashley now, given that phone call from the previous night.

Deep in the second set of the match, Monica served to DJ, who passed to Aspen. The set was a great one, and DJ’s kill went well over Monica’s hands, landing in the backcourt beyond Selena’s reach. Down by six points now, there was no way Monica and Selena could come back this late in the set; not after losing the first one by four. When Aspen went to serve, Kendra watched as she first looked in Kendra’s direction. Kendra was standing in the tunnel with her crew, waiting to hurry out and interview the match winners how she always was, and it was as if Aspen knew that and had expected her there.

“Of course, she knows that,” she muttered.

“What?” her cameraman asked.

“Nothing,” she replied as Aspen served a floater over the net and rushed to her position.

Monica went for a line shot, but Aspen was there and dug it out. Kendra recalled an interview with Aspen from years ago, before she began working this tour, where Aspen had said something about not being the fastest on the tour. That might have been true when she’d said it, but it wasn’t anymore. Aspen must have been working on her speed in the sand because barely a ball landed in the sand if she was anywhere on the court. The woman had long arms that enabled her to get to the ball even if her feet couldn’t get here there fast enough, and she had the best form that Kendra had ever seen of popping the ball up high enough and not too far away from her partner so that DJ could set it, get it over in two, or hit a free ball.

This time, DJ hit it over in two, and Selena was ready for it in the backcourt. She passed it to Monica, who set her up for a kill. Kendra had always admired how well these two worked together, and the worry she’d had about them now being a couple getting in the way of their volleyball partnership began to wash away as she watched them play even better than they had before they’d gotten together. Yes, they’d lose today, but most teams on this tour lost to Aspen and DJ fairly regularly, so only their performance today would matter in their loss.

Soon after match point, which DJ had served and Aspen had won with a kill in the back corner of the court that Selena and most players in the world couldn’t get to, Kendra hurried over to the sideline, where she met Aspen and DJ prior to them even making it to their chairs. They were both still breathing hard and probably could’ve used a minute, but Kendra had a producer in her ear telling her that he needed her to get the minute with the players now so they could go to commercial before they switched their programming to soccer.

“Aspen, DJ, great match. You’re moving on to the semifinals this weekend. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good,” Aspen replied after Kendra moved the microphone to her mouth. “Monica and Selena were great out there today. We had a hard time blocking their shots and had to regroup a couple of times, but we pulled through.”

“And, DJ, I know you had a foot problem in yesterday’s match. Did that get in your way at all today?” Kendra asked and moved the microphone over to DJ.

“No, that wasn’t a big deal at all, and I didn’t have any issues with it today,” DJ replied. “I can’t even blame it for my issues blocking them today.” She laughed a little. “I just had a few balls go off my hands and out of bounds because I was in the wrong position. It’s something I’ll be working on in training.”

“Will you be watching the matches later today to see who you’ll be facing in tomorrow’s semifinals?”

“We usually try to catch them if we can,” Aspen replied. “So, yeah, we’ll watch to see what we’re up against.”

“Well, congratulations on the win, and good luck in the semis,” Kendra said and turned her face toward the camera.

“And we’re clear,” her producer said in her ear.

“Thanks,” Kendra said to both of them and removed her earpiece.

“Sure,” Aspen said. “Hey, can I ask you something while I have you here?”

“Um… Sure,” Kendra said and then nodded for her cameraman to step away for a moment.

DJ was already on her way over to their bench, so outside of the stands that were filled with people waiting for the warm-ups for the next pairs to start, they were alone.

“Last night, after I got back to my room, I kind of maybe looked you up.”

“Looked me up?”

“Yeah. I found an old article from when you played volleyball in high school. Your team was really good and made the online local paper or something.”

“Oh, right. I forgot about that,” Kendra said with a little laugh. “We went to state a couple of times. They wrote it up.”

“You were really good,” Aspen noted. “There was a video on YouTube. Sorry, I went down a rabbit hole. I’m not a stalker, I promise. I just found one link, and then there was another, and… I’m sorry.”

Kendra smiled at her. Aspen looked a little nervous, and it was adorable.

“I was okay.”

“You had scholarships,” Aspen pointed out. “You did an interview about them before one of those state matches, but I didn’t see anything about you playing in college. I might have come across an old Facebook post from someone you must know or something, and they said something about a–” Aspen stopped herself for a second. “A heart condition.”

“Oh.” Kendra looked down.

“Is that why you had to stop playing?”

“Aspen, I don’t really want to talk about this.”

“I’m sorry. Now isn’t the time, I know. But I saw that, and… I don’t know. I got worried. And this is the first time I’ve seen you today. I usually have no filter. It’s a problem, and I know it, so I shouldn’t be talking about it now. I just wanted you to know that I saw that and thought–”

“Aspen, I’m working right now. You really couldn’t wait to ask me this until we were at home, where we live right next door to each other, and could’ve talked about this over coffee or, you know, not at all?”

“I was worried. That’s all. I know I’m wrong here, and I apologize.”

“What you’re really trying to ask me is whether I’m okay, right? Healthy?”

“I guess so, yes.”

“I’m fine,” Kendra told her and nodded. “Now, I need to go. I have pre-match interviews to do with the other teams.”

“Kendra, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” She pulled down on the middle of the red blouse she was wearing. “Happy?”

Aspen’s eyes lowered, and Kendra saw the recognition on her face. The scar from her surgery had faded over the years, but it was and always would be still there, no matter how much the bumpy red skin turned less bumpy and faded to light-pink. She hated her scar, and she never showed it to anyone outside of her parents when she’d first gotten it or the medical staff at the hospital. Kendra didn’t wear any bathing suits without shirts over them, if in public, unless they were full-coverage and she could hide the scar that was several inches long and in the middle of her chest. She’d only pulled her shirt down slightly now, so Aspen couldn’t see the entirety of the scar, just the very top of it. Kendra wasn’t sure what had made her do this in the first place, when she’d not ever shown it to anyone else, but there she was, on the sidelines, with her shirt pulled down a little and Aspen’s eyes on her.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Aspen told her. “I’m the asshole here. I need to remember that just because I want to know something, it doesn’t mean someone has to share it. I’m sorry.”

Kendra let go of her shirt, and it returned to its shape.

“I need to get back to work.”

“Okay. Just…” Aspen looked around the stands. “I’m mortified right now, and I’m sorry.”

Aspen turned around then and walked away.

Kendra watched her go before she herself turned the other way and headed back to the tunnel to get some shade before her post-warm-up interviews with the two teams about to take the court. She never talked about her surgery with anyone, and that included her girlfriends. More than that, having sex without a shirt on was something that required an immense amount of trust, and she hadn’t had that with anyone since, either, including the woman she’d been with for two years. It had been one of their problems: Kendra didn’t want to be seen fully naked in any capacity. There had been no shared showers, no playing with her breasts during sex unless it had been over her shirt, and more than once in her several relationships, the woman she’d been with had suggested she go to therapy to discuss her issues.

Kendra hadn’t listened because she already knew what her problem was. She’d lost out on her dream because of her heart condition. Everything she’d wanted in life was supposed to be hers because she’d worked hard and had natural talent at the sport she loved, but instead, she’d lost it all after the diagnosis. Then, a few years later, it had gotten worse, so doctors had suggested a surgery they’d initially not wanted to do because they’d said it was too risky. By twenty-five, though, it became something they’d had to do, and she’d come out of the operation with a repaired heart and a physical sign of the dream she’d lost. When before, she’d been able to forget, she couldn’t anymore. Just by looking in the mirror, Kendra would always recall what it had felt like to receive the notice that her scholarships were being taken away and that she couldn’t even walk on to a school’s team because they didn’t want anything to happen to her.

She understood and wasn’t angry with the universities, but that scar was a constant reminder of what she’d almost had and lost. Aspen bringing it up in any context would’ve upset her, but doing it on the court made it so much worse. She also couldn’t believe that she’d shown Aspen her scar. It wasn’t likely that anyone else had been paying attention and seen it, but Kendra still couldn’t believe she’d actually lowered her shirt and let Aspen Ashley see the thing she hated most about herself.

After finishing the interviews that she hadn’t even wanted to do, Kendra went back to the tunnel and walked outside the stadium built for the event. She headed toward the media tent, but before she got there, DJ unexpectedly stopped her.

“Hey, is everything okay between you and Aspen?”

“What? Why?”

“She just said she did something to make you upset, and she feels like shit.”

Kendra shook her head and asked, “Where is she?”

“In the player tent. She’s about to leave, though. We’re going back to the hotel. I just needed to pee first, but I saw you, so I thought I’d ask.”

“We’re fine.”

“Aspen puts her foot in her mouth a lot. She doesn’t mean to, but she’s got an impulsive streak in her. It usually works in her favor, but sometimes, it bites her in the ass, too. She’s sorry. I can tell you that much.”

“I know she is. I’ll talk to her when we get home, okay?”

“Not before our next match?” DJ asked.

“Probably not, DJ.”

“Oh,” DJ let out.

“That’s why you’re here.” It dawned on Kendra then. “You need me to tell her that everything’s okay so that she plays well tomorrow.”

“Part of the reason,” DJ said, looking a little embarrassed.

“I can’t yet, DJ. I need a little time.”

“I thought you said you two were fine.”

“We are. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to talk to her unless it’s for my job, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Kendra walked into the media tent where she took a deep breath.