11. 11

11

Ember

N othing in my wardrobe seemed to be good enough all of a sudden. I’d replaced most of my wardrobe with black and dark colours, in an attempt to hide behind them, but now I wondered if I was hiding what I should be showing him instead. Him. Mr E. The teacher I wanted, but knew I shouldn’t.

I knew he was trying to keep things professional, but I could see he felt it too. He did, right? Okay, so our one kiss had been barely a brush of lips, and he hadn’t returned it, but he’d hugged me twice now. He had to want me too, he just had to.

“Morning baby, you okay?” Mum poked her head around my door, and I nodded as she stepped fully into my room with a mug of tea for me.

“Just not sure what to wear today, that’s all.”

Mum gestured at the wardrobe.

“Nothing feels right for today?” How did she know that? Did she know what was going through my mind? Did she realise that I wanted to dress right for the man I wanted to coerce into feeling something for me? Yuck, that sounded bad even in my head, but I wasn’t sure it’d stop me.

“Everything is so dark, that’s all. I guess I didn’t think about what would happen if I felt like wearing another colour.”

Mum smiled suddenly, reaching out to take the grey sweater from my hands.

“What if you had other options, baby? Brighter colours? Or at least some white to go with the black?”

I rolled my eyes at her, taking the sweater back and wondering if it’d look better if I went easier on the makeup today. Suddenly it was like I wanted him to see the person beneath the makeup, even though it was my armour, my protection.

“Wait a minute,” mum said, as she left the room. When she returned, she was holding a bundle of clothes, reds, blues, some yellow. She laid them on my bed, and backed up with a sheepish smile.

“These are yours?” I asked, lifting the first blue top from the pile. It didn’t look like something my mum would wear.

“No. Look, I know you prefer your darker clothes, but sometimes I see something that would look so beautiful on my sweet girl, and I buy it. Of course, then I feel like an idiot for buying things you’d never want to wear, but I can’t help myself. These are just things I thought would look pretty on you. I’ve been secretly stashing them for a while. Even your dads don’t know about them.”

Wow. Who knew my mum was secretly wishing she could ungoth me? Actually, I’d always thought that was what she’d want, but to be stockpiling clothes for me because of ‘what if’, was pretty cool. Weird, but cool.

“I… what if they don’t suit the me I am now?” I lifted the long sleeved blue shirt up in front of me, noticing that the blue of my eyes seemed brighter than normal right now.

“Em, my sweet baby girl, you’ll always look beautiful in anything you wear, but if you don’t like them, I can take any of them away, and you don’t have to even think about them. I’m not trying to pressure you into being anything you’re not. It’s… they’re just options, okay? Maybe if you want to pair one thing with the rest of your normal stuff, you might like that?”

“I really like this shirt,” I said, staring at it in wonder, finding it hard to believe that I was contemplating wearing an almost pastel blue shirt, even with black accompaniments. It made me feel a little off balance, but that deep yearning to look different, even for one day, was winning out.

“It really makes your blue eyes pop, sweetie. Do you see how it lifts the colour of them?” Mum was standing just behind me, so I could see her in the mirror too. Her blonde hair was lighter than mine had been, but her eyes were almost identical to mine, although hers were brimming with tears.

“It’s okay, mum. Thank you for these, and thanks for understanding that I needed to make these decisions for myself. I guess I don’t always seem like I appreciate how hard you try to work around all my weird shit, but I really do.” Those tears trickled down her cheeks, and she briskly brushed them away.

“Em, nothing about you is weird, baby. You just need to find who you are, and I think you’re doing that a bit at a time. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ll always be our beautiful daughter, no matter what you choose.” Or who? I wanted to ask that question right then, but I wondered if she’d act like my dads had last night. I’d caught enough of their ‘discussion’ with Mr E, to realise they were warning him off. I hoped he wouldn’t let them drive him away though.

Mum reached out to touch my hair, stopping herself at the last moment, the pain on her face bringing me close to tears too. On impulse, I spun around and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tight, and barely wincing as her arms came up around me too. Her quiet sorrow became heavy sobs as I held her, and realised that I was actually hugging someone other than Mr E, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

I forgot how comforting mum’s hugs could be, how her sweet perfume seemed to have a calming effect on me. As a kid, I’d been a real hugger, and especially with mum, who was essentially my best friend back then. How strange for this to have seemed so alien, until I took the step I’d been hiding from for so long.

As we finally broke apart, and I stepped back again, reclaiming my distance and my safe space as the familiar awkwardness returned, and I felt out of my depth with that closeness, mum clasped her hands under her chin.

“I never thought you’d ever let me hug you again, baby. I’m so proud of you, and it’s sappy to say this, but you just made my day.”

I held up a hand, trying to stop her before her hope started to crush me under its weight.

“Please don’t read too much into it, mum. I’m not fixed, or normal, or anything like that. I just… it felt right for that moment, but now I need my space again.”

She nodded, backing towards the doorway, like she realised the moment had passed, and I needed to move on. She pointed at the zombie mug by my bed.

“Don’t forget your cuppa, sweetie. Love you.”

Ethan

I FELT LIKE SHIT when I woke up, like I literally hadn’t slept a wink, even though I knew I had, because the dreams I had were so wrong and twisted, that I hated myself for them, even though they were out of my control. I shouldn’t be dreaming about a seventeen year old girl, and wanting her, so that shit had to stop right the fuck now.

Did she have to make it so fucking difficult though? When I stepped into the study this morning, there she was, looking unexpectedly perky, and less gothlike than normal.

It wasn’t any one thing, it was several things, starting with her wide smile as she greeted me, and further added to by the fact that her makeup wasn’t as dark and heavy as usual, and her eyes seemed to sparkle like ocean water, when coupled with the sky blue shirt she was wearing. She had a black jacket over it, but it was open, and that blue shirt just lifted her appearance, and added a brightness that was normally lacking from both her wardrobe and demeanour.

“Hi Mr E,” she said perkily, spinning around in her seat to look at me fully, even though I’d taken in every fucking detail already. I was destined for hell, and I’d fucking deserve it too.

“Morning Em, okay let’s start with where we left off on-”

“Do you like my blouse, Mr E?” Fuck. I took a deep breath and sat down, wondering how the fuck to keep her on track, but not insult her, and lose her focus for the day.

“It’s very nice, Em. Okay, so to focus on-”

“You didn’t close the door, I’ll get it.” She hopped up and I reached out, stopping myself before I risked touching her.

“No. Leave it open.” She practically pouted at me.

“But it’s usually closed so we can concentrate on lessons, Mr E.” Yeah, only I need help fucking focusing around you now.

“I think that it’s best for both of us if it stays open. Please, take your seat and let’s get started, Em. We’ve got plenty to cover if you hope to be ready for your final exams. We want to pass them first time, don’t we?” It suddenly hit me that if she failed any of them, they might expect me to keep teaching her. Could I keep doing it, or would I just fall further and further down the hole into inappropriateness?

Em sat back down and offered me her best impersonation of scholarly interest, but I wasn’t buying it for a moment.

“Look, things have gone a little off track lately, but we need to get our focus a hundred percent back on your studies, and getting you through these exams. That’s the reason I’m here, Em. I’m here to make sure you’re prepared and can ace them, and if you fail, then I fail, so we’re not letting that happen, okay?”

She opened her mouth, and I lifted a hand to shush her.

“I’m serious. Nothing but studying and learning, Em, going forward I have to remain your teacher, and we need to stay out of contact outside of teaching hours.”

Her mouth dropped open again, and she literally fucking scowled at me in response.

“I don’t accept that premise, so let’s negotiate.”

Negotiate? What the fuck? Was this something she’d learned from those dads of hers? My experiences of them were starting to unnerve me, and now so was she.

“Em, this isn’t something we can negotiate, this is your future. This is your academic career we’re talking about. Your parents wanted me here to help you catch up on your studies, to retake your exams, and we’re so close to your exam date. We’re so nearly there, so let’s keep on top of things and get you those top marks, okay? That’s all I’m here for. To help you achieve your goals.”

She pouted at me, while I leaned over and switched her laptop on, determined to get her back on track.

“Ethan, please,” she whispered, as I moved back to my seat.

“Please remember to call me Mr E, or Mr Erickson, Em. We mustn’t blur any lines here.”

“Alright Teach, just stopping by to see how things are going.” I turned to see Gray standing in the doorway, his eyes very firmly on me and me alone. Fucking hell. I left the door open for a reason, but it still unnerved me to see him taking advantage of that fact. He wasn’t necessarily bigger than me, but there was an aura of something about him. Something dangerous.

“Hi Gray, uh we’re just getting started now. Did you need to see where we’re at?” I reached into my bag for my files, and set them on my desk as I waited for his response.

“Nah, I trust you. I know you’re helping our girl get where she needs to be. We’ll soon be out of your hair, and you can forget all about us.” It didn’t sound like anything less than a threat, and that’s exactly how I took it.

I watched Ember as her eyes widened, and she looked from her dad to me. I knew she was smart enough to realise what was going on here. It wasn’t about whether I wanted to risk getting closer to her, even though I was smart enough to know I shouldn’t. It was more about that threat hanging over me, that I was pretty sure I’d disappear off the face of the earth, if they caught me doing anything untoward.

“Dad, we need to get started. Can you just go away now? Close the door,” she muttered, waving a hand at her dad as she turned to her laptop, and pulled up the files for her geography project.

He chuckled as he left, and he pulled the door almost closed, and that honestly felt even more dangerous to me. If he chose to stand there, out of sight, he could listen all fucking day if he wanted to. That meant I had to watch every word that came out of my mouth.

“You don’t need to be afraid of my dad, Mr E. He’s just being a pain in the ass, because he’s overprotective. They both are.” Didn’t I know it…

“They’re right to care, Em, this is important stuff. Okay, so let’s revisit your project notes, because there were a few areas we need to go over again. You’re so close to perfect, but let’s aim higher, right?”

“Always aim higher, Mr E, I know I plan to.” She shot me a look that told me she wasn’t deterred in the slightest, so I guess the only question was this… would I survive whatever heights she aimed for, once her dads found out about my forbidden interest in their only daughter?