12. Kaia

12

KAIA

N ot trusting herself to drive, Kaia walks the five miles back to her apartment. The world around her blurs into a hazy smear of streetlights and traffic sounds, muted and distant as if she's underwater. Her mind is just stuck on a loop, replaying those devastating words over and over until they're chiseled on the inside of her skull.

We'll just have to act like none of this ever happened.

The finality she heard in Hallie's voice weighs on Kaia's every step like a ball and chain. The distance in the lieutenant's eyes as she'd turned and walked away, leaving Kaia shattered in her wake. It's ironic, Kaia thinks to herself bitterly, that the woman who'd made her feel more alive than ever is now the source of a pain so sharp, it steals the breath from her lungs.

The sun has long since set by the time Kaia makes it home. Closing the door and leaning heavily against it, the weight of the day comes crashing down on her. The adrenaline that had sustained her through the harrowing call out and the confrontation with Hallie is gone now, leaving her hollow and aching. Slowly, she drags her feet to her bedroom, collapsing onto her bed and pulling her knees to her chest as if she can physically hold herself together.

But it's no use.

Harsh sobs wrack her frame as Kaia finally allows herself to fall apart, to feel the full magnitude of the past twelve hours. Kaia's chest constricts painfully as the reality of it all slams into her with the force of a speeding engine.

Her blazing anger, her reckless defiance, it was all fueled by the sheer terror of watching Hallie risk her own life to save Kaia's. The thought of losing her, of being the reason her lieutenant never made it out of that crumbling tower, it had clouded Kaia's vision with a red haze.

"Why did I have to lash out like that?" Kaia whispers into the silence of her room, her voice raw and thick with tears.

Wiping at her eyes with trembling hands, Kaia fishes her phone out of her pocket. Fingers shaking, she pulls up Hallie's contact and hits the call button before she can secondguess herself.

The phone rings once, twice, three times. Each unanswered trill is like a knife to Kaia's heart, twisting deeper with every passing second. She starts to pace the length of her apartment, phone pressed to her ear hard enough to hurt.

"Pick up, Hallie. Come on," she pleads under her breath. "It can't end like this."

But the ringing eventually gives way to Hallie's curt, professional voicemail message. There's a beep, and then silence, expectant and suffocating. Kaia takes a shuddering breath, trying to compose herself enough to speak.

"Hallie, I'm sorry," she begins, hating the way her voice cracks. "Please, can we just talk about this? I know I was an idiot. I never meant to put you in danger. You mean too much to me to throw this away. Just...call me back. Please."

She ends the call and sinks onto the couch, staring at the phone in her hand as if she can will it to ring through desperation alone. Minutes tick by, each one an eternity as Kaia waits for a response that doesn't come. Hope soon gives way to a gnawing dread, cold tendrils of fear wrapping around her chest with every moment that passes and Hallie's name doesn't appear.

How long she sits there, eyes glued to the dark screen, Kaia doesn't know. Eventually, her phone chimes with an incoming text, startling Kaia so badly she nearly drops it. But as her eyes scan the words on the screen, Kaia feels the last, fragile embers of hope gutter and die in the darkness of her unlit sitting room.

I meant what I said. We need to focus on our careers right now, not let our feelings cloud our judgment on the job. It's better this way. See you at work.

The message is like a punch to the gut, cold and impersonal. Kaia stares and stares at it until the words blur together, disbelief and devastation warring for dominance in her heavy head. After everything they'd been through, all the moments of tenderness and passion, the whispered confessions in the dark, Hallie is really choosing her career over what they had?

A strangled sob tears from Kaia's throat, the phone slipping from her fingers and tumbling to the carpet. She curls in on herself, arms wrapped around her middle as she rocks back and forth. Hot tears spill down her cheeks, soaking into her sweatshirt as Kaia cries until her throat is raw and her eyes are swollen.

Exhaustion pulls her down to the couch cushions, the deep, bone-weary kind that only comes from heartbreak. Kaia doesn't fight it, doesn't have the strength to do anything but succumb to the oblivion of sleep. As her eyes slip closed, a final, devastating thought drifts through her mind like acrid smoke.

I've lost her. And it's all my fault.

The next morning, Kaia drags herself into the station, feeling like a husk of her former self. She moves on autopilot, going through the motions of her routine without really noticing anything around her. It's as if she's watching herself from a distance, puppeteering her own movements without actually being present in her own body.

She's just finished filling her coffee mug in the break room, staring blankly into the steaming depths as if they hold the answers to her misery, when a voice startles her out of her daze.

"Hey, Montgomery. Got a minute?"

Kaia turns to see Richards leaning against the counter, her fellow rookie's expression uncharacteristically somber. Instantly, she feels her defenses slam into place, her spine stiffening as she braces for the inevitable jab or snide remark.

"What do you want, Richards?" she asks warily, her fingers reflexively tightening around her coffee mug.

But he just holds up his hands, his eyes sincere as he meets her gaze.

"I come in peace," he says calmly. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what happened at the resort. We should've had your back up there. That… that was some real shit."

Kaia blinks, taken aback by the genuine remorse in his voice. Of all the things she'd expected him to say, an apology was definitely not one of them.

Richards takes a step closer, his voice low and earnest. "Look, I know we've given you a hard time. But at the end of the day, we're a team. We need to trust each other if we're gonna make it in this job."

Kaia nods slowly, the words sinking in like a balm to her battered ego. She takes a deep breath, shoulders sagging as the weight of her own mistakes settles heavily on her.

"You're right," she admits quietly. "I-I need to do better at being a team player too. No more lone wolf crap."

He grins at that, clapping her on the shoulder. "We all have our own shit to fix, it seems. Now come on, we've got drills to crush." He jerks his head towards the door, a clear invitation.

Kaia feels a small smile tug at the corners of her mouth, a flicker of warmth kindling in her chest in the face of his olive branch. She downs half of her coffee in one gulp before setting her mug down and following him out to the training ground, determination settling over her like a second skin. If she can't win back Hallie's heart, at least she can to prove her lieutenant—and herself—that she can be a valuable asset to this team.

But her resolve is tested the moment she steps out onto the tarmac and sees Hallie standing at the front of the assembled crew, her presence as commanding as ever. Kaia's heart clenches painfully at the sight of her, so close and yet so distant compared to weeks past. It takes every ounce of her strength not to let the hurt show on her face, to maintain the mask of calm professionalism even as her insides twist themselves into knots.

"Listen up!" Hallie calls out, her voice ringing with that familiar authority. "Today we're practicing rapid intervention. You'll each take turns as the firefighter down, trusting your teammate to get you out. Pair up."

Kaia feels a jolt of the usual unease at the prospect of having to work alongside one of the guys, but then Richards catches her eye, tilting his head in a silent question. Partners?

Relief washes over her immediately and Kaia nods, grateful to not be sneered at as she falls into line beside him. As Hallie goes over the drill, Kaia forces herself to focus on the task at hand, pushing aside the tumultuous emotions threatening to overwhelm her.

She can do this. Hallie is just the boss now.

The session is grueling as usual, both physically and mentally, but Kaia throws herself into it with everything she has. After the mess she got herself into yesterday, she has to prove that she can be a dependable teammate, that she's worthy of the trust being placed in her. She and Richards work seamlessly, communicating clearly and efficiently as they take turns playing the downed firefighter and the rescuer in various scenarios.

Throughout the entire morning, Kaia feels the weight of Hallie's gaze on her, watching her every move with critical eyes. It's a struggle not to let her emotions show, to keep her movements precise and her mind focused. But even as she pushes herself to her limits, Kaia can't shake the torture of being in Hallie's presence, the unspoken tension that crackles between them like a live wire.

Finally, the drills come to an end, and Kaia is left panting and sweat-drenched, her muscles burning with exertion. She braces for the lieutenant's final assessment, steeling herself for the cold professionalism she knows is coming.

"Good work, you two," Hallie says flatly, her face an impassive mask as she looks between Kaia and her partner.

There's no warmth in her voice, no hint of the affection that once colored her face when she praised Kaia. It's as if nothing ever happened between them, as if all that time they shared was nothing more than a figment of Kaia's imagination.

The heartbreak is like a physical thing, a vise around Kaia's chest that threatens to squeeze the life out of her. She swallows hard, fighting back the sudden sting of tears as she nods stiffly. This is how it's going to be from now on, she reminds herself, even as every fiber of her being seems to crumble where she stands.

Hallie doesn't want her anymore.

As the crew begins to disperse for lunch, Richards jogs over to Kaia, a grin on his face as he wipes the sweat from his pale brow.

"Hey, a bunch of us are grabbing drinks tonight," he huffs, slightly out of breath. "You should come, bond with the crew outside the station for once."

Kaia hesitates, her gaze drifting over to where Hallie is marching back towards her office. The thought of trying to be sociable, to pretend like everything is normal when her entire world has been turned upside down, is almost more than she can handle. She starts to shake her head, a weak excuse forming on her lips, but Richards beats her to it.

"C'mon, Kaia," he presses. "You're part of this crew same as any of us, and I swear we're not all that bad. One drink, that's all I'm asking."

Kaia sighs deeply, looking down at her feet as she toes the ground. She has a feeling Richards won't let it go very easily. And truth be told, the thought of going back to her empty apartment, to the echoes of Hallie's presence that linger in every corner, is suddenly suffocating.

"Alright, Richards," she relents, a wry smile tugging at her mouth. "One drink."

His grin widens as he claps her on the shoulder.

"Atta girl. Meet us at Murphy's at 8. And Kaia? Lose the last name basis crap. We're friends now. Call me Adam."

With that, he jogs off towards the guys' locker room, leaving Kaia to shake her head in bemusement. She doesn't know if she'd call them friends just yet, but perhaps a clean slate with this crew is exactly what she needs right now.

Hours later, Kaia pushes through the door of Murphy's Bar, the low thrum of music and chatter washing over her. She spots her crewmates gathered around one end of the bar, their laughter and easy camaraderie a stark contrast to the sidelong glances and sniggering she's become accustomed to since starting at Fire Station 3.

"Kaia!" Adam calls out, waving her over with a grin. "Glad you could make it. Get over here, Finn's buying the first round."

Kaia weaves her way through the crowd, pasting on an easy smile as she joins them. The guys are rowdy and boisterous, reminding her instantly of her older brothers as they clink glasses and chug beers. Kaia forces herself to laugh along, to join in the easy banter even as her gaze keeps wandering to the door, half-hoping and half-dreading that Hallie might walk through at any moment.

But as the night wears on and the alcohol starts to loosen the knot in her chest, Kaia feels herself start to relax at last. She finds herself trading stories and jokes with her fellow rookies, reveling in the way they include her so effortlessly, as if she's always been one of them.

"Gotta admit, Montgomery," Finn Cochran slurs at one point, raising his glass in a salute. "You're not so bad. To our sister in arms!"

"Hear, hear!" the others cheer, sloshing their drinks slightly with the drunken toast.

Kaia grins and gulps down her own pint, feeling a warmth bloom in her chest that has nothing to do with the alcohol. The night out is bittersweet, tainted slightly by the hollow ache of Hallie's absence. But as Adam slings an arm around her shoulders and crows about their killer teamwork in training, Kaia allows herself to forget for a moment that she'll be going home to an empty bed.