4. Chapter 4

Chapter four

Astrid

“I swear, I could hear that noise from down the boardwalk.” Hazel Sheppard walks through the door of the bakery, her voice barely carrying over the sounds of Penn working out back.

The sound of the sanding machine outside is so loud that I’ve had to wear earplugs for the past few days, but I know the makeover Penn is giving the old table and chairs will make the racket worth it.

Plucking the ear plugs from my ears, I wait for a break in the clamor to respond. “I know. He’s almost done though.” Like we planned, Penn came by and started on the shelves last Friday, but he left early for another project—the same one he’s being very cryptic about. And normally I would push him to open up to me, but I’ve been so stressed with the renovations, keeping up with incoming orders, and finalizing the details for the grand reopening in three weeks, all while trying to keep up with my kids and running a household, that I have no energy left to give to that matter.

“Thank God.” Hazel laughs as she brushes her long, dark hair over her shoulder and saunters up to me .

“So, what brings you in today?” This girl feels like my unofficial younger sister since I’ve watched her grow up. I can’t believe she’s twenty-five—it makes me feel older than I am.

“Well, a little birdie told me you’re going to start offering custom wedding cakes.” Her eyebrows bounce up and down. “And, since I photograph weddings, I was wondering if you’d like to give me some business cards so I can pass them along to my clients. Maybe we can agree on a discount if they book with both of us?”

“Damn. Look at you, you little businesswoman,” I tease her as I reach under the counter and hand her a stack of cards. “And would this little birdie happen to be my mother? I’m going to need to have a conversation with her later about her telling people my business plans.”

First Richard and now Hazel? I wonder who else she’s told.

“Don’t get mad at her. I’m the one that asked. We ran into each other at the nail salon and I kind of pulled it out of her.”

“Well, she’s not wrong, but I haven’t advertised it yet. I’m waiting until everything is done here for the re-opening. Plus, I’m thinking of changing the name of the place, so these cards might be out of date by then.”

“No biggie. I’ve always kept some in my studio for clients, and Greg and Jenny did the same for me.” The former owners ran this place more like a quick-stop people could pop in for donuts and muffins. My goal is to expand what we offer, converting the store to a full-service bakery—cakes, cookies, bread, pies, and other sweet treats. The possibilities are endless. As long as I have the manpower to do it, that is.

“I appreciate the support no matter what,” I say just as Penn walks into the store .

“Is that my little sister?” He slides his safety goggles up his face, resting them on the top of his head. His shirt and jeans are covered in dust, but it’s the sheen on his forearms that is truly garnering my attention.

Sexy, strong, glistening forearms.

Lord have mercy .

“It is. God, you’re a mess.” Her eyes move up and down his body. “Please tell me you’re almost done, by the way. The noise is just awful.”

Penn scratches the back of his head. “Yeah, I didn’t really think about the noise bothering folks.”

Hazel rolls her eyes. “Doesn’t surprise me.”

“Hey, I’ll remember that the next time you want me to build a set for a photo shoot.” He arches a brow at her.

She crosses her arms over her chest and returns the look. “Well, I guess now isn’t the right time to ask you for one for Christmas photo sessions then, is it?”

Penn rolls his eyes and sighs. “When do you need it by?”

Batting her eyelashes, she clasps her hands in front of her. “Thanksgiving, if you can?”

“Yeah, I can make that work.” He takes out his notepad, writes something on it, and then shoves it back in his pocket. “Now, if you’re done whining, I actually came in to tell Astrid that one of the chairs is done, but I wanted her opinion on the final product before I start the rest.”

I turn back to Hazel and smile. “Duty calls.”

“No problem. But, before I leave, I also wanted to extend an invite to you for this passion party that I’m having.”

“What the fuck is a passion party?” Penn asks, wrinkling his nose.

“It’s a sex toy party,” Hazel tells her brother, and I watch as Penn shifts from confusion to disgust .

“Jesus Christ, Hazel.”

“Newsflash, Penn. I’m twenty-five. I’m a grown woman and I’ve had…”

“La, la, la!” He plugs his ears like a petulant child, which makes both Hazel and me laugh. Shaking his head, he heads to the back of the bakery again. “I’m just going to pretend I never heard those words come out of your mouth. Astrid, I’ll meet you out back when you’re done.”

Hazel and I watch him retreat, and then I turn to her. “You probably just scarred him for life.”

She shrugs. “Serves him right. I’ll just think of it as payback for every time he chased me with a lizard.”

Laughter bubbles out of me. “So, a passion party?”

“Yeah. It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving. One of my girlfriends is throwing them for some side money and she’ll be home for the holiday. I told her I would invite everyone I know, so…”

“I get an invite too.”

“Obviously. And I’m sure you could use a few new toys. I mean…” She bites her lip. “I don’t want to be presumptuous, but you’re still a woman, Astrid. And you have needs, right?”

God, if she only knew just how true that statement has been lately .

“Yes, but…”

She cuts me off. “No buts. You’re coming. I’ll even buy you something.”

Mortified, I say, “Oh, God. You don’t have to do that.”

“Nonsense. I insist…especially because I was wondering if we could have the party at your place?” She bites her lip again, this time in anticipation of my answer.

“You want to have the party at my house? ”

“If you don’t mind. It’s just that my apartment is way too small, and I refuse to ask my mother.” We both start laughing again. “I promise, it will only be for a few hours.”

Looking at the ceiling, I consider if I could make that work. I mean, I’m sure my mother would watch the kids or take them to her house for the night if I asked her to.

“Okay,” I relent. “Send me the date and I’ll make it happen.” I have a feeling I’m going to regret this later, but making decisions in the moment is what I do. It’s necessary when your life is as chaotic as mine.

Hazel claps her hands together. “Gah, thank you! It’s going to be a blast. A true girl’s night. I’ve invited Willow too!”

“Joy,” I say sarcastically, even though part of me is interested to see what kind of new toys are out there now. I’ve had the same vibrator since before Brandon died. Only recently did I actually feel like my libido has returned. It may be because I’m in my thirties now, or maybe it’s all the mental images watching Penn working around the bakery has evoked.

Yeah, I definitely need something to take the edge off.

“Don’t stress. I’ll handle everything.” Hazel glances at the clock on the wall. “Okay, I’ve got to get going. I have a full day of editing ahead and then a session at sunset tonight. It’s a surprise engagement, and I’m already crying.” She fans her face.

“You’re just a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?”

She shrugs. “I can’t help it. I love love.”

I smile and shake my head. “Text me later.”

“I will. Bye!” She waves as she exits the store and I sigh heavily, remembering when I was younger and had that same outlook. Just another reminder that we’re all getting older, even though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I’m thirty-two and most days I still feel like I’m fifteen with no idea what I’m doing with my life still .

I find Penn out back standing over a table, drilling metal legs into the bottom of the chairs. But as soon as he sees me, he stops what he’s doing, reaches into his tool bag, and hands me a Ferrero Rocher.

“You just carry these around in your tool bag now?”

“When I know I’m going to see you, yeah.” He nods toward the candy. “Go ahead. You look like you could use a little pick-me-up.”

I unwrap the chocolate and pop it in my mouth, closing my eyes and moaning at how the flavors meld together. I swear, I could survive on these little morsels of heaven alone. When I open my eyes, I find Penn staring down at me intensely. But I choose to focus back on the reason I came out here. “Thank you. That did help calm me. So, what are you doing?”

“Giving these chairs new life like we agreed.”

“But what happened to the legs that were on them?”

“I found these online for cheap and thought they give them a more feminine, romantic feel to match the new décor’s theme.” He flips the finished chair over and sets it on the ground. The dark nickel brushed legs are modern, but still have a classic feel. The wood of the chair itself is painted in the light gray we agreed on, and he sanded them after painting them to make them look a bit more rustic. I couldn’t have asked for a better realization of my vision if I’d done it myself.

“Penn, these are beautiful.” I stare at the chair in awe and then look up at him. “Thank you.”

He nods curtly. “Glad you like them.”

“No, I love them. Seriously. They’re perfect.” Circling the chair, I admire all the details. “God, I can’t wait to see it all come together. You’re—you’re making my dreams come true.”

Penn swallows roughly as I look up at him again. “Just doing my job, Astrid. ”

Resting my hand on his chest, I stare up into his eyes. “I seriously don’t know what I would do without you. I hope you know that.”

A pinch in his brow forms before he sighs. “Well, good thing you won’t ever find out, huh?”

“I hope not.”

“So, you’re seriously considering going out with Dick, then?” he says, catching me off guard because why would he bring this up again?

We stare at each other, time nearly standing still before Tanya comes out of the back door of the bakery. “Uh, Astrid?”

Retracting my hand as if Penn’s chest just burned me, I turn to her, brushing my hair from my face and pulling my shirt back in place. “Yeah?”

“We just got an order for six dozen blueberry muffins for tomorrow.”

Penn clears his throat. “I’ll let you get back to it. I’ll bring the finished chairs inside before I leave for the day.”

“Working on your super-secret project again?”

He sighs. “I wish. Not enough time before soccer practice.”

“Thank God there’s only a few weeks left of the season, right?”

“You have no idea. I’ll be happy to get that time back, but I’ll miss it a little, too. It’s been awesome seeing the kids improve and come together as a team this season.” He flips his safety glasses back over his eyes. “Now get back to work, boss. I’ll see you later.”

A little thrill races down my spine at the name. “Thanks again, Penn.”

“My pleasure, Astrid.”

And then I walk away, back to my new responsibilities. But I swear I can feel Penn’s eyes on my ass the entire time.

** *

“And what are we doodling this evening?”

Sitting in my chair, I glance up to find Grady peering at my notebook over my shoulder. It’s just after six and Bentley’s soccer practice is underway. Lilly is running around with one of the siblings of another boy on the team, and I’m head down in my notebook, sketching ideas for my new logo and making notes of what I need to do this week. I swear, I have so many lists now that I’m not sure which is the most current one.

“Oh, just sketching some ideas for a new logo. Typically, you’d have these things sorted out sooner when you’re opening a business, but I guess I’m keen on doing things backwards. It’s kind of my specialty.”

My brother takes a seat on the grass beside me, folding his knees up to rest his hands on them as he stares at the field, watching as the team listens to Penn and Dallas explain their next drill. “There’s nothing wrong with doing things backwards, sis. Just as long as you accomplish what you set out to do.”

“I’m working on it.”

He smiles at me proudly. “I know you are.”

“What are you doing out here tonight? You don’t usually come to practices.” Grady is great about attending the games on Saturdays and taking Lilly to her dance classes if I need him to, but during the week I barely see him. It’s still a huge improvement from when he was playing baseball professionally and we saw him maybe five times a year. Even though I know he wishes he could still play, I’m selfishly grateful that he’s back home.

He shoots me a look over his shoulder, his lips contorted in disgust. “Would you judge me if I said I was bored?”

Chuckling, I reply, “Bored?”

He runs a hand through his hair and shrugs, stretching out his legs in front of him now. “I’m waiting on parts for the Nova, so until those arrive, I don’t have much to do. The shop closes at five and sometimes, the last thing I want to do is work on any more side projects, you know?”

“I get it. The idea of going home and cooking after I’ve been baking all day doesn’t appeal to me at all.”

“Exactly.” His eyes drift back out toward the field. “I don’t know, Astrid. Sometimes I just feel like there’s got to be more to life than this…”

“Getting philosophical on me tonight?” I tease him.

His face is contemplative. “No, just…restless.”

God, I understand that feeling more than he knows. “What about dating? Have you given that any thought?”

His gaze turns to a glare. “Uh, no thanks.”

“Why not?”

He twists slightly to face me. “Do you know how many single women come into the garage with car trouble on a day-to-day basis?” I fold in my lips to hide my smile. He glares at me harder. “I feel like I’m fighting them off left and right these days. I mean, I haven’t played baseball in years, and they still act like I’m a fucking celebrity.”

“You were one of the best pitchers of your time, Grady.”

He shakes his head, picking at the grass, the lines of his face deepening as he frowns. “I wasn’t fucking done playing, Astrid.”

“I know.” I hate seeing my brother like this. I can’t imagine what losing baseball was like for him, but that’s partly because he never talks about it. Anytime his career comes up, he shuts down the conversation. Then again, I do the same about Brandon, especially lately. Those seven stages of grief are real, and I don’t think they ever really end. In fact, I think they go on a loop, and anger seems to be where I’m stuck the most recently .

Remembering him will always be important because of the kids, but knowing that I’ve been hiding the truth of our marriage from everyone makes me avoid the topic if I can. I just hope I don’t collapse under the weight of this secret.

Guilt slams into me.

I’m the worst widow on the face of the planet .

“Well, I’m going on a date,” I say, changing the subject for him as his head pops up so he can look at me. If I’m already feeling shitty, might as well place a cherry on top of the shit sundae.

“Seriously?”

“Well, I mean, I haven’t exactly said yes yet, but I’m thinking about it.”

“Who with?”

“Richard Cockwell.”

Grady’s lip curls in disgust. “Dick Cockwell? Really, Astrid?”

I swat at him, but he dodges it. “Don’t call him that.”

“Oh come on. Everyone called him that in high school. What kind of parents do that to their kid? Give them a name like that?”

Rolling my eyes, I continue. “Anyway, he asked me out last Friday and told me to think about it, and I think…I think I might go.”

Grady’s face softens, but there’s still some disapproval there. “Well, I mean, that’s good, I guess. If that’s what you want.”

Is that what I want?

Well, it’s definitely not who I want.

“It’s time to move on,” I say, leaving my torturous thoughts to myself as my eyes drift over to Penn, hunched over as he watches the boys execute their drill, his ball cap on backwards. I clench my thighs together as I sit here staring.

What is it about a backwards ball cap that just makes a man ten times sexier ?

“Moving on is overrated,” he grunts.

“Yeah, but so is staying in the same freaking spot, or letting guilt and shame rest in your chest.” I lean forward and lower my voice. “Buying the bakery was my first step in moving on, Grady. If I can do it, you can too.”

His face softens just a bit. “And I’m proud of you for doing that finally, Astrid. But I have moved on. To my garage.”

“You said yourself that it feels like something’s missing from your life. ”

He shakes his head. “Dating sounds awful, Astrid.”

“What sounds awful?” Penn startles us both as he appears right next to Grady’s spot on the grass, grabbing his water bottle and taking a long swig from it, and then bringing the hem of his shirt up to wipe his mouth, granting me a glimpse of his abs—all one-hundred of them.

“I was telling Grady that he should try dating.” I shield my mouth from my brother as I whisper to Penn, “He says he’s bored.”

Penn shakes his head. “Sorry, Astrid. I agree with Grady. That sounds fucking horrible.”

“What? Why?”

“You do realize that we know all of the single women in town, right?” Grady chimes in.

“Is there a list or something?” I glance between the two of them.

“No, but it’s a small town, sis. Plus, this is the time of year when people start coming back around because of the holidays, visiting family and crap. It’s like a high school reunion every weekend.”

Penn nods in agreement. “Again, your brother is speaking the truth.”

“Is that why you don’t date either?” I stare up at Penn, the man who’s starred in one too many of my fantasies .

Penn stays quiet for a while before he finally answers, looking out over the field. “I’m just not interested in a relationship right now. I’m too busy.”

Grady juts his thumb over his shoulder at me. “Astrid’s not, apparently. She’s already got a date lined up.”

Penn’s eyes dart to mine. “So you are going out with Dick?” His jaw clenches and he looks away from me again.

I shoot my brother a glare as I search for the right thing to say. I’ve been avoiding bringing this up to Penn after his reaction to Richard the other day.

“Penn! Come on, man!” Dallas waves for his brother to join him back on the field.

“I’ve got to go.” Penn saunters off without another word, leaving Grady and me alone again.

A few moments of silence go by as my heart races with nerves. But why am I nervous?

Is it the idea of actually going on a date again?

Or is it the way Penn just reacted?

Was it just me, or did he seem angry? Am I creating his reaction in my mind, or was that real?

Jesus. Get a grip, Astrid .

And it’s not like I can ask my brother if he sensed it without inviting a whole new line of questioning.

“See? I told you. Dating is a waste of time in a town like Carrington Cove,” Grady finally says just as Lilly comes running up to us.

“Mommy! I’m hungry!” She juts out her bottom lip and then turns to my brother, instantly distracted. “Uncle Grady!”

“Hey, sweet pea.” He kisses her on the head and then pulls her into his lap, tickling her until she’s screaming.

“Stop, Uncle Grady! Stop! ”

“Not until you tell me I’m your favorite uncle,” he growls exuberantly.

“You’re my favorite! I promise!”

He lets go of her as she scrambles to get away, both of them trying to catch their breath. “Good. Just want to make sure I’m still number one.”

“Uncle Penn is number one too though,” she says, squealing when he reaches for her again, but she escapes his grasp.

“You can’t have two in first place, Lilly.”

“But I can’t choose. I love you both. Uncle Penn plays Uno with me and reads me bedtime stories and when Mommy’s not looking, he gives me some of the chocolates he brings her.”

My eyebrows shoot up. “Is that so?”

“Yup!” Lilly runs away from us again, finding the other little girl she was playing with, completely forgetting about how hungry she was just moments ago.

“Looks like I’m going to have a discussion with Penn about the candy,” I say, scanning the field and finding him crouched next to one of Bentley’s teammates, giving him pointers.

“And looks like I’m going to have to up my game to reach favorite uncle status.”

“It’s not a competition, Grady. Penn has just been around more. That’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, but I could be around more now.”

I place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “Then come around more. Like tonight. It was nice catching up with you.”

“Yeah, sis. It was nice catching up with you too. But do me a favor?”

“Okay…”

“Don’t marry Dick, okay?”

I snort. “All right. ”

“I just can’t get behind your last name being Cockwell.”

And even though I don’t say it, I don’t think I could get behind that idea either. But going out with the man can’t hurt, right? It might be nice to eat a meal I didn’t have to cook and enjoy some adult company for the evening. Getting dressed up and having a man’s full attention sounds nice too.

“I’ll let you know if it gets to that point.”

“I doubt it will. Besides, you deserve better than that. Brandon wouldn’t approve of him either.”

Yeah, something tells me that Brandon really wouldn’t approve of the man I actually want.