42. JACK

As we stepped out of our apartment building in Chelsea, the familiar sights and sounds of New York City greeted us, enveloping us in the hustle and bustle of urban life. The morning sun cast long shadows across the pavement as we made our way to the street corner, our footsteps falling into a steady rhythm that echoed the beat of our hearts. I felt Paul’s hand in mine.

Our morning ritual had become sacred and intimate. Every day, waking early, we made love. I needed it with him every day, and he gave it to me, with pleasure, in the knowledge that I was his lover and his man. I knew that what he wanted every morning was for us to make love, for me to ejaculate inside him, and that way, our love was renewed.

After this, we showered and went about our days. But first, we spent some time together as the world awakened around us, strolling in the street to get a coffee, some breakfast, or just to feel the sunlight on our faces.

In those moments, in the city where we met and to which we had returned, me to live permanently with him here, I knew that I was exactly where I wanted to be. If I was waiting for him in a restaurant or a café and a waitress asked me for my order, I would say, “I am waiting for my boyfriend,” and she would give me a cute, inclusive smile. I couldn’t imagine how far I had come, and how happy my journey had made me.

As we reached the street corner at the end of the block where we lived, I pulled him into a tender kiss, his lips warm against mine. The city faded into the background as we stood there, lost in the intimacy of our love. He was my boy, and I would have held him forever in my arms like that.

Today, there was no time for coffee or a pastry. We only had a few minutes. We talked about our plans for the evening. Paul had been invited to a gallery opening. He asked me if I wanted to go, and I did: I wanted to go. I would leave work early and make time to do it, first because it made him happy and then because I wanted to be with him as much as I could.

I should laugh. I had learned a lot about love.

“I love you,” he whispered as he got ready to leave me for another day.

“So, I will see you later at home or meet at the gallery?” I asked on the street corner, the energy of the city surrounding us but not affecting us.

“At home,” Paul replied, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. He would probably want to make love again, if there was time. I’d never say no. It was a part of our love. We had never lost that visceral connection. I loved being inside him, and I loved being with him.

He leaned in to kiss me again, one more time.

“You’re going to be late for college,” I said, a jokey warning.

He didn’t work for me anymore. He did leave my company, after all, to pursue his dream of attending art school. And it was going well; he was really excelling, and I was so proud of him. I have never been so happy to see the back of a great employee!

“I’m so proud of you for following your dream,” I said.

He beamed at me.

“And I’m so proud of you for following yours,” he said.

I didn’t catch his meaning at first.

“What do you mean?”

He smiled.

“Choosing me,” he replied softly. “Choosing our love. I feel so happy, Jack, so complete.”

At that moment, I saw his eyes brimming with that love. I ran my hand over his head, my fingers in his hair. We shared a final, tender kiss goodbye.

Off he went, toward the subway stop. I told him every day that I could afford to pay for him to take a cab, but he refused.

“You’re already paying for college and the apartment,” he said. “I still know how to catch the subway!”

I watched him walking in the street, carrying his portfolio under his arm, his slim little butt wiggling as he negotiated the crowds on Eighth Avenue. I watched him until he all but disappeared, until all I could see was the sunlight in his fair.

Then, at the last moment, he turned around to see if I was watching. He grinned and waved. He knew I’d be looking out for him. I’d be looking out for him forever.

I’d found that person – that someone – I was looking for. Paul was wrong before. I hadn’t made him complete.

He had made me complete.