38. JACK

Harry’s email was so matter-of-fact.

Jack,

Paul has just tendered his notice. He wants to leave ASAP. Couldn’t get him to counter-offer to stay. Seems pretty set on going.

Not sure what you think this means for the London project. Anyone you want to line up to replace him?

Get back to me—

H

Was there anyone I wanted to line up to replace Paul? That same day, I had gone to meet Emma at the diner and realized that I had to commit to my future. Who was going to “replace” him in that?

I fumbled with my phone. I opened WhatsApp and began to type. I wrote out this message:

What the hell is going on? You can’t leave

And then I looked at the words, desperate but not honest. I deleted them and started again.

Paul, I am in love with you

I have to tell you that

And I am sorry

I sent that one. The first tick appeared to show the message had been sent, but no second tick followed. I sat staring at my phone. Perhaps he had his phone turned off. I stared and stared, but the tick did not come on.

I called him, but the line did not connect. A message came on saying, “This number is unavailable.” No message kicked in, and no message could be left. It was then that I realized what he had done.

I felt sick, rejected, angry.

But I felt lost, too, adrift. If he no longer worked for me, he no longer had to speak to me, I supposed.

I guess I could demand that HR reveal his address to me. Or I could call the New York office and demand that Harry put him on the phone. But what would that achieve, forcing him to speak to me?

All of this was bullshit, anyway.

I was in love with Paul.

I had been falling in love with him since those first few days in London.

Sometimes you have to act. Sometimes, you have to step up and be a man and tell the person you love what you want.

From them.

For them.

And for yourself.