Chapter 31

ELLA

Ella didn’t expect to be this nervous. She knew the decision to go on the cruise was impulsive. She had barely lifted from her seizure fog the other day when she’d sent the design samples and bought a ticket. When she arrived, she had no plans except to find Sophie. She assumed it would take an hour or so, not the near thirty-six hours she’d clocked searching this entire place.

She didn’t realize Sophie would have her phone turned off. Nor did she expect security on the ship to be at a secret service level. They absolutely would not budge when she begged for Sophie’s room number.

So, she’d been aimlessly wandering, knowing damn well that the likelihood of seeing Sophie on this mammoth eight-story ship was slim. But not impossible.

And finally, here she was.

Ella’s hand slipped on condensation from the orange juice glass, and she wiped her palm on her jeans. She pointed to her bruised upper cheek and eye area that had faded to a terrible puke green by this morning. “You should see the other guy.”

Sophie’s mouth hadn’t closed since Ella stepped behind her a moment ago, but her jaw worked in a slow circle. “What are you doing here?”

Well, those words were not the reaction Ella hoped for, but it was better than “get the eff out of here.” What am I doing here? A loaded, very good question, and she wasn’t sure how to answer. “Can I sit?”

Sophie nodded and pointed to the chair. “Your dad told me you had a seizure. Are you okay?”

The words were kind, but the tone flat. Ella nodded and swallowed. “I think I have some explaining to do.”

“Yes, you do.” Sophie pushed the plate of food away from her and crossed her arms.

The wind blew Ella’s hair and she tucked it behind her ears. The encounter with Jasmine and Sophie two weeks ago had crushed her. The level of betrayal she felt wasn’t realistic, but it didn’t matter. The news had destroyed her and made her question everything.

Ella wanted to explain what it was like never having genuine friends. How living in the shadows of her parents made her feel like she couldn’t handle anything on her own. How she questioned her worth daily, but Sophie helped free her from that doubt, helped show her a world she didn’t know existed. She wanted to tell her she’d fallen so hard, so deep, and that she was terrified that her actions after the Jasmine situation—and her unintentional ignoring post-seizure—ruined things for them.

But she froze, the words catching in her mouth, in her breath, and she shifted on the chair.

“I can understand what you found out was shocking, and really hurt.” Sophie leaned back in her chair. “But going totally dark for two weeks? That’s not how adults communicate. That’s not how I communicate. And that’s not the type of relationship that I want to be in.”

Ouch.

Sophie twisted the ring on her finger. “Why did you run?”

Ella held her stare. “Why didn’t you chase me?”

The words hung in the air, heavy and thick. So many moments passed Ella wasn’t sure who’d break first.

“How much chasing did you want me to do?” Sophie asked. “I called. I texted. I even went to your house. Was that not enough?”

This conversation was absolutely not going the way Ella planned, but they had to get it out. When Ella lifted from the seizure fog, she’d seen the scattered texts and few voice messages. But then there was a full stop. And yes, maybe Ella had told Sophie to back off, but she was not in her proper frame of mind, and Sophie should have realized that. Her dad said she stopped by, but that was a week ago. Work took precedence, and Ella wanted more. She needed more. “Why did you totally stop? Maybe I didn’t explain the post-seizure effects to the most detailed degree, but I did tell you I’m not myself.”

Sophie’s brows knitted together. “Are you serious?” She fiddled with the zipper on her sweatshirt. “Ella… I was working. We were down to the wire with the campaign. I was so busy. I don’t remember ever being that busy in my life. And, well, you weren’t there to help run things with me, so I had to pick up the slack.”

The tone was softer than the words, but they still landed with a punch. Ella had let down the team. And work was more important. “A few months ago, you told me you hadn’t had a relationship because you work too much. All these years you’ve put work first. Not yourself, not your relationships, and you did it again.” Ella reached out and touched Sophie’s arm. “You are worth more than your work.”

Sophie inhaled a sharp, shaky breath and put her head in her hands. She wasn’t crying, not that Ella saw, but Ella wanted to pull Sophie into her chest.

Sophie lifted her head. “I haven’t been in a relationship since high school. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong, or how to act.” Her shoulders sunk, and she watched the water below. “I’ve only been out of work for a few days, but it’s clear. I’m running myself down, and for what? Yes, I want to do a good job, of course. Yes, my work means a lot to me. But it’s not worth sacrificing everything else that’s important to me.”

Ella scooted closer.

“So… you really are okay? Your face…” Sophie lifted her hand then dropped it in her lap.

“This one scared me more than most.” Ella told Sophie everything from these last few weeks. After she saw Jasmine, and learned what happened, she was so angry and upset she couldn’t think. She took an Uber home and spent the rest of the afternoon crying, angry, and feeling deserted.

Everyone thought she was at the office, Thomas was with her mom, and the staff didn’t know she was home. “It was so eerie, so empty. My whole life I craved alone time. But then I got it, and everything was so dark and still.” She sipped on juice and dabbed the corner of her mouth with her thumb. “After I stopped crying and pulled myself from my room, I made my way downstairs. After that, it’s all blurry. My seizure triggered my watch alarm, which notified my parents, of course. I guess one of the staff found me, there was an ambulance, and then I was in the hospital.”

The moments surrounding a seizure were blips, like a dream where you grasp to piece the fragmented chunks of what happened, but the harder you try and remember, the more they slip away. “It was a lot of chaos because I smacked my face pretty good, and my parents were beside themselves.”

Sophie stroked the top of Ella’s hand. “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how scary that was.”

Ella shrugged. “It was, of course, but it always is. I may have had a hundred of these in my life, but it’s scary every single time. It hadn’t happened for a long time, and I had this hope that maybe it would never happen again. I know that it’s rare that it would ever stop, but…” Ella played with Sophie’s fingertips. “Honestly, though, it’s not surprising it happened when it did.”

Sophie froze. “God, I’m so sorry. The whole situation with your ex? Did I cause this?”

“You didn’t cause this, Sophie. Do not ever think that. I was born like this, but I’ll be honest. I was hiding things from myself, from you and my parents. I wasn’t sleeping enough. My diet went to shit. I mean, how much pizza did we consume these last few weeks? The hours working, the project, the campaign…”

For so long, Ella had been desperate to prove she could do the same things other people could do. That she’d hack it in the real world, without her golden parachute. “But also, I refuse to blame myself. Yes, these things could have exacerbated the seizure, but it’s also life, you know? I’ve also had seizures when I was painting, so…”

A gust of wind blew, and Sophie shivered. “Want to take a walk?”

Ella nodded and tentatively interlocked her fingers with Sophie’s. They strolled toward the atrium and pulled up to a cushy seat facing an indoor garden.

“I’m sorry I never told you what happens after a seizure. I should have warned you.” She slid closer to Sophie until she pressed against her. “But afterwards, I’m not myself. At all. It’s a different version of me. I used to hate it, but I accept that this is just part of me. Every person with epilepsy in the world has unique experiences, right, just like anything else. But I go to a really dark place. While my mind rewires, I’m angry, and depressed, and I don’t have the clarity I’d normally have.”

She took a breath thinking of how best to describe that darkness that filled her after a seizure, where the world turned dull, like she was watching a movie filmed in grayish tones.

The only reason she had enough gumption to send the graphics was because it took her mind off the Sophie-Jasmine situation. “I didn’t want to talk to you. I didn’t want to see you. But I should have explained that in the beginning of our relationship so you would have been prepared.”

Sophie licked at her lip ring. “And now? Do you want to talk and see me?”

Ella chortled through her nose. “You do realize that I’m halfway up the Pacific and spent all the money I’d saved, literally just to talk and see you.”

“Wait, what? Didn’t you end up just coming with the other team members?”

Ella flinched. “God, no. My dad was terrified someone would think he was playing favorites. My parents wouldn’t give me the money for this.”

A grimace flashed on Sophie’s face. “Shit, that was really expensive.”

“Sure was. But, you know, I’ve been saving up for months for a place of my own and now…” Ella waved her hand. Now she realized she had it pretty damn good. She lived in a restrictive home, but her parents loved her. And being alone when she had a seizure and the aftereffects shook her. “I’m kind of realizing maybe it’s not the worst thing to live with my parents still.”

“Oh yeah?”

“And do I really want to do my own laundry and dishes? Probably not.” Ella laughed and grazed her hand over Sophie’s.

Sophie shifted closer to Ella. “How do your parents feel about you going on this cruise unsupervised for a week? What if you hadn’t found me?”

“Unsupervised?” Ella lifted a brow. “Yeah, um, no. Thomas is here with me.”

“What?” Sophie looked around the room. “Where?”

“When I found you, he was like ‘peace out, I’m hitting the pool.’ That man has not had a proper vacation in a very long time.”

Sophie grinned. “We should watch over the deck. Maybe he’ll be the one who is pulled up on stage to dance.”

God no. The last thing she wanted to see was Thomas dancing on a cruise ship and ruining the CIA-agent vibe he’d been carrying for years. “Nope, no thank you. What if he wears a Speedo or something? I’ll be scarred for life. I’ve never seen him outside of a shirt and tie, and my brain has had enough activity for now. Not sure I need to see his bare chest. What if he waxes? What if he’s super hairy? Both would be awful.”

Sophie laughed and pinched the tip of her nose. “So where do you go from here? Are you coming back to work?”

“I am, but only part-time.” She shifted to look at Sophie’s face. “And I talked to my dad about maybe interning with the graphic department.”

Sophie’s face fell. “You don’t want to work with me anymore?”

“That’s not it. I just think that drafting project plans is not my passion… like at all. I want to do something art related. And I need to find a balance.” Ella really hoped Sophie resonated with this message for her own well-being. “But the hours, the schedule, it’s not healthy. And I’m prioritizing my health.”

When Ella started, she didn’t think she was ignoring her health. She took her medication every day, and somehow convinced herself that was enough, while knowing damn well the stress and lack of sleep were poison to her system. “I wanted the money for my own place and to prove to myself I could do it, and I did both. I earned respect. It was not just given to me based on my last name. And I’m going to take that with me.”

Sophie nodded. “And the team loved your artwork. You created something fresh and new, and they ran with it. You’re the reason that we are all here.”

“No, I’m not.” Being an only child with overbearing parents and artificial friends, she never grasped the concept of a work family. “I’ve never been on a team before, never understood team mentality, but now I get it. You all earned your spot on this vacation before I was hired. I was just a small part of the relay team bringing you all to the finish line.”

A quietness fell over Sophie. She dug at her freshly polished manicure for a moment, then dropped her hands in her lap. “I’m really sorry about what happened with Jasmine and how I reacted. I never gave you the full grace to understand why you would be mad at me.”

“I had no right to be that angry with you.” Ella was so hurt when it happened but had some time to come down from the shock. The seizure interrupted her processing time, and she’d have to grapple with this more later, but it was clear Sophie didn’t sleep with Jasmine to hurt her. “The only person here to blame is Jasmine. I couldn’t see through my anger to separate you from what happened.” She peeked back at the greenery, inhaling a warm breath. “I’m really sorry, too.”

Sophie stood and motioned for Ella to follow. She interlocked her fingers with Ella’s and escorted her off the deck. They made their way to another outdoor space on the top floor.

The breeze was fierce, even with the sun, but Ella was filled with warmth. She gripped the rail and absorbed Sophie, watching the ocean, her green eyes calm, her body relaxed. She looped her arm in Sophie’s and rested her head on Sophie’s shoulder. “So, what does this mean for us?”

“It means we can give ourselves some solid credit for having a mature grown-up conversation.” Sophie’s chest lifted. “You don’t want us to end?”

“What?” Ella gripped Sophie’s face, her heartbeat hammering. “No. Of course not. Do you?”

“I never want this to end.” She kissed the top of Ella’s head. “We don’t know what the future holds, right? No one does. But what I know is I’m so grateful that we found each other.”

Ella pressed her lips into Sophie’s. “And I want to be with you.”

Sophie kissed Ella back, soft, warm, and with intention, then pulled Ella into her arms.

When Ella started at her dad’s company a couple months ago, she couldn’t have predicted this would be the outcome. Sophie’s tears that she flicked away, and her lip ring bouncing with her smile, and feeling the way she did when Sophie kissed her, confirmed everything she’d gone through was worth it. “I want one more thing. If you can do something for me?”

Sophie pulled back, her gaze sliding between Ella’s eyes. “Anything.”

“I really want some hash browns.”

Sophie kissed Ella with the promise of tomorrow. Ella’s heart lifted, soared, and then settled. This right here, being with Sophie, repairing her insides, knowing she was enough, was everything she needed. She didn’t need to know what the rest of her life looked like, or where they’d go from here. But she was confident that together, they’d figure out the best agenda for themselves.

Sophie kissed Ella once more, then touched her forehead against Ella’s. “Deal.”

*