14. Trevor

14

TREVOR

I stare out the window, squeezing a stress ball. Yes, I’ve become one of those corporate shills that’s always on edge at work, squeezing a stress ball to survive.

Chicago is dull and gray and for once, I’m happy for it because it reflects my insides.

The only joy I get these days is picking out the flower arrangements to send to Iris, hoping this will be the one that pushes her over the edge.

No such luck yet.

It’s a fool’s errand, I know. But I have to do something. Some might say I’m doing too little. Others might say I’m doing too much.

I’m doing what I have to so I can survive.

Iris knows. I’m waiting for her. There’s no other woman for me.

And yes, I fucked up. Again . So, if patience is what I need to survive, that’s what I’ll have. And if I never get her back, then that’s a deserved punishment for the way I treated her.

There’s a knock on my office door.

“Boss.”

I turn to see my assistant, Jeffrey, in my doorway. “What’s up?”

“There’s someone here to see you.”

I furrow my brow going over to my desk and glancing down at the scheduling list on my blotter. “My next meeting isn’t until ten.”

“It’s not a…it’s a personal visit” Jeffrey glances off to his side. “ Iris ,” he mouths.

I could fall over.

“I can ask her to go if you want.”

“No!” I cry out more urgently than I mean to. “Send her in, send her right in.”

Jeffrey gives me a nod, then steps aside.

I hear Iris’s voice before I see her. “Thank you, Jeffrey.”

I grab the back of my desk chair, stunned. Completely and utterly stunned.

Did that Valentine’s bouquet really push her over the edge?

Iris enters my office. Her hair is a pastel purple now. Everything about her looks put together…yet, not at all.

Loose jeans with rips in the knees, a tight-fitting band T-shirt that has a smear of deodorant on the hem. She’s wearing a jacket that’s not warm enough for the weather, an oversized leather jacket.

I was with her when she thrifted that.

Also, she’s wearing makeup but it doesn’t cover up how tired she looks.

Iris folds her hands in front of her, looking smaller than ever.

“I didn’t know you were in town.”

“I just got in an hour ago.”

I have so many questions. “You want to sit?”

Iris nods.

I want to rush over to her, embrace her, throw her around in a circle, and kiss her until my lips fall off. But her distance scares me.

I suppose it’s possible she flew out here to tell me to back off once and for all.

That would kill me.

But I can’t get ahead of myself.

“You look…healthy.” I don’t want to make her uncomfortable by complimenting her when she’s not yet comfortable.

Iris’s eyes widen. Apparently, even that was too much.

“Please, sit.” I gesture to the seating area, a coffee table framed by leather armchairs and a matching couch.

“No, I just need to say what I came here to say first before I lose my nerve, um–” She runs a hand through her hair. “I kept a secret from you. A big one.”

I slide my hands into my pockets, unsure what to do with myself. “All right…”

“About my past.”

Unless she’s secretly a violent criminal, there’s nothing that could shock me to loving her any less. But I’ll hold my tongue until I know more.

“I told you that I left Texas after a bad breakup.”

“Yes. That’s not true?”

Iris winces, tightening her hands in fists and then releasing them again. “It is, it just was a bit more than a breakup. Um. It was a divorce.”

My brows lift. “You were divorced?”

“Are. I’ll never not be divorced.” She attempts a laugh.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me that?” I won’t lie, there’s a little pain knowing she was married before. Not because I need to be the first to stake my claim but because it feels different when you are both beginners at something versus one person having experienced it before.

Iris’s forehead puckers. “I was a different woman back then. A different girl. I mean, I was eighteen, Trevor.”

It’s hard to hide my shock. “You got married when you were eighteen ?”

“See? You don’t even believe it.”

“I mean…no, no, I don’t.”

“My high school sweetheart. It was normal where I grew up. I was really religious, it was just what you did.”

I can’t reconcile the Iris from the past with the one in front of me. “I never would have expected.”

“I’m not the first girl who grew up in a super religious household who became a rebel,” Iris cracks a little smile.

I pause. “Okay, yeah, that…that makes sense. But why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s embarrassing.”

“It’s not at all, it’s just a part of your history. Who you are.”

Iris crosses her arms over her chest. “It’s not who I am. It’s who I was . And that’s the whole point.”

I don’t respond. I don’t want to say anything to spook her away. Despite all the questions swirling in my head, all the confusion, I remain calm and stoic.

I’ll listen. I’ll wait. Then, when the opportunity comes, I’ll act.

“I don’t talk about it because I’m embarrassed by her. I know I should be kind to her, the girl I was, but she made so many choices that I look back on with so much rage.”

I lean on the edge of my desk. “I assume you loved him.”

“I did. At least in the way an eighteen-year-old loves.”

I chuckle. “Sure.”

“Na?ve. I was na?ve. And my ex-husband… He wasn’t a good guy.”

“He was a boy.”

“Yes, but you couldn’t tell him that.” Iris shrugs off her coat. “I’m hot, is it hot in here?”

I start to respond, but Iris tosses her coat on the back of the couch and places her hands on her hips. Best not get in the way of a woman on a mission.

“I don’t like people knowing that at a time in my life I was going to be a homemaker. A stay at home mom. I mean, we got married and immediately started trying to get pregnant.”

I ignore the swell of possessiveness in my belly. “Don’t tell me you have a kid out there too?”

“No, no. If I did, I’d probably still be in Texas. Unhappily married. Or divorced still, but…” Iris rubs her temple. “I don’t want to think about that.”

Me either. For her sake more than mine. “So, what happened?”

“Nothing happened. Which was the problem. We just couldn’t get pregnant, and we were too poor for IVF, not to mention that was frowned upon in our community. And it was all my fault, of course. He wouldn’t get his sperm count checked or anything. It had to be my body.”

“Fuck that guy.”

“Trevor.”

“No, seriously, fuck him. Misogynistic piece of shit who–”

“Trevor, just let me tell you the story.” She’s smiling, though.

I tilt my chin down. “And then I can talk about how I’d fight him?”

She laughs, a grateful laugh. “Yes, then you can talk about fighting him.”

Both of us are quiet for a moment, gaze lingering.

It doesn’t matter how much has gone sideways between us. She’ll always be Iris and I’ll always be Trevor and our connection and rapport will always exist. Regardless of outcome.

“I tried really hard to be a good wife. To be enough for him even though we weren’t getting pregnant. But I wasn’t.”

I frown.

“He left me for another woman right before my twenty-first birthday.”

“ He left you ?”

“Don’t rub salt in the wound.”

I stand up again, holding my hand out. “That’s not what I meant, not at all.”

Iris smiles sadly. “I know it’s not what you meant. It’s part of the whole reason I hate it. I don’t want people to see me as a woman who was left behind. Who at one point didn’t have a backbone. Because I’m afraid…people will take advantage of it and try and push me to that place.”

My heart is breaking for Iris.

I will always love her even if she’s not mine. Her pain is mine.

The fact she felt she had to hide herself even from me, the man she was to spend her life with, lets me know just how deep this pain goes.

“So, what happened? How did you get to be…the Iris I know now?”

“Well, I was left with nothing. I mean, I’d barely had a job more than camp counselor. It was…mortifying. And I didn’t have any support from my family. I mean, you want to talk about misogyny–”

“Probably shouldn’t, or I’ll have to add them to my hit list.”

Iris’s eyes flutter shut, and she smiles, out of necessity.

When she opens her eyes again, they’re shiny. “Everyone except my brother, Ben. Ben supported me.”

She always speaks fondly of Ben.

“I lived with him in his dorm for a few months until I could get a job. And he played video games. So, I would watch at first and then…I started playing them and that was that. I fell in love.”

“I bet you did.” To be a fly on that wall, watch Iris fall in love with one of the things that make her who she is today.

I love this woman. I love her! I love the way she moves, the way she breathes, I love every piece of her.

She steps toward me. “When I got the job in Seattle, I panicked. I’d had my world controlled by a man before and because we were engaged, I was just afraid you’d find a way to trap me and…that’s on me.”

“If I had known that, it would have changed everything, Iris.”

“If I had been able to tell you, I probably would have been able to tell you about the job to.”

I nod. “That makes sense.”

“I’m sorry, Trevor. I’m so sorry.”

I run my tongue along the inside of my cheek, thinking. “You think we moved too fast? With getting engaged? Did we get it wrong?”

Iris sucks in a breath. “I’m going to sit now.” She crosses to the couch. “You think I could get some water or something.”

“Of course, sparkling or still?”

“Just water.” Her voice is suddenly strained.

I hurry to the minifridge built into my bookshelf. “Are you all right?”

“Overwhelmed.”

I crack open the bottle of Fiji on my way to her and hand it to her.

“Thank you.” She chugs it. Downs most of it in one go.

“Shit, Iris–” I crouch down in front of her.

Her face is blotchy and sweaty.

Could it be all the stress of coming out to see me?

“You coming down with something?”

“You could say that.”

I touch her leg hesitantly, but she doesn’t draw away. “You want to lie down?”

“Do you think we rushed things?” Iris asks. “Do you think– Did you not want to marry me?”

“Are you kidding? I wanted it more than anything, it would have been the first good thing I ever did. Seriously.”

“Don’t say that.”

I place my hands on her cheeks. “It’s true. You, everything you are, are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’m sorry I ever gave you reason to think I would clip your wings. Never. Ever. I will always help you fly.”

I’m assuming a lot here.

That she is here to welcome me back into her arms. I have to make my position known one last time.

Iris leans her forehead against mine, clutching at my shirt. “I love you.”

“You don’t have to–”

“I love you , Trevor. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it.”

Someone start the fireworks. “You’re saying it now. That’s what matters.”

I move forward to kiss her, stop short to confirm she won’t draw away, and then press my lips to hers. Soft. Passionate. “I love you. More than anything.”

“There’s more.”

“You have a second ex-husband? I don’t care. A third. Fine . I love you. You’re the love of my life.”

We’ve both lied. Or withheld the truth. A mutual mistake. I can’t hold that against her when I’ve done the same.

“No, no more ex-husband’s but something else. Probably bigger.”

I hold my breath, giving her space to say it, praying it won’t ruin everything.

Iris touches my curls, cups my chin, looks into my eyes. “I think I’m pregnant.”

That is news that is the opposite of ruining everything. “Pregnant?”

“Yeah, I took a test yesterday. And I flew here today because–” Iris glows. “Because I wanted to tell you in person. And I wanted you to go with me to see for sure.”

I grab her hands, cupping them on her knees. “You’re really going to have a baby?”

“I think so.”

“Mine?”

A laugh spills out of her. “Who else’s?”

“I don’t know. That guy from the Christmas party or–”

“Trevor!”

The news still hasn’t settled in completely. “A baby? My baby? Ours? Iris, ours ?”

Iris smiles at me, a smile that squeezes her eyes tight. She wraps her hands around the back of my head, stares down into my eyes. “Our baby. Yes, Trevor.”

“And you…love me? You want to be with me.”

Her eyes waver, and she nods. “More than anything. I want a family with you.”

I am trying to keep my composure. However, knowing Iris loves me, loves me so much she’s happy to be potentially carrying my baby, has me struggling to stay on an even keel.

She squeezes my hand. “Baby, you’re shaking.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

Iris smiles. “It’s you and me. It’s always been you and me.”

I blink, a tear escaping. Nope. No, I’ve got to be strong right now. I push it away. “When is your appointment?”

“You’re going to come with me.”

“You’re damn right I am.”

I help her up. “And you need a warmer coat.”

“I’m fine, Trev.”

“Nope, no, you might be carrying my baby, you will not be cold.” I grab my coat from the hook on the wall and wrap her up in it. “Please, let me take care of you.”

For the first time in a long time, Iris gives into me wholly without any resistance. “Okay, Trev. I’ll let you.”

“I’ll drive.” I hold the door open for her. “Last thing I need is getting a heart attack being on your motorcycle.”

“Don’t be an idiot, I didn’t rent a motorcycle this time.”

“You didn’t?”

She tilts her head to the side. “It’s not just me on that thing anymore. Maybe.”

“Well, I will never clip your wings, but you know I hate those things.”

Iris laughs. “I know. And I’m willing to negotiate in the future.”

I take her hand. “That’s all I ask.”

We get into the elevator. Side by side.

So many questions swirl around in my head. I try to tell myself one thing at a time, one thing at a time, but I can’t help myself. “I’ll move to Seattle.”

“No, you won’t, Trevor.”

“I will. You’re not going to give anything up, especially considering if you’re pregnant–” I get choked up at the thought. “It’s still sinking in.”

The elevator dings open.

Hand in hand, we walk to my car.

I open the passenger door for her, a giddiness rushing through me that I get to do this again for her.

Before I can step away, though, Iris holds tight to me. “If we’re having a baby, which I don’t think is as big an ‘if’ as we’re making it out to be…” She holds my hands and faces me. “We’re going to need a family. And our family is here in Chicago.”

“Ris, you’re not giving anything up for me. I can get a job out there, we’ll have a nanny, it will–”

“I hate my job in Seattle. They’re awful to me. I’m overworked. The stress will be impossible to handle with a baby too. And Seattle isn’t home. Chicago is. You are.”

I’m in shock. I was satisfied to leave Chicago and follow her, with her permission. “Don’t say that just because you think I need that. Really, honey, I’ll go wherever you want to be.”

Iris cups my cheek. “Coming back to Chicago to be with you and start our family isn’t giving anything up in my mind. I don’t need that job. I’ll get a better one here, or I’ll be a mom and work on projects or–” Iris shakes her head. “There are other jobs. But I need you. And the Hawthorns. And our baby will need them too.”

I laugh. “I’m dreaming, I must be.”

She pinches my arm. “You think you’re dreaming now?”

“Maybe a kiss would help?” I say with a lilt in my voice.

“Oh. Slick. Very slick.” Iris lifts herself up onto her tiptoes and kisses me.

I wrap my hand around her waist, pressing her to me, overwhelmed at the idea that inside her, our child might be growing right now.

I need to know. I need to kiss her, but I need to know more.

“Say it one more time,” I say against her mouth.

Iris grins. “I love you.”

“I love you more. Now, let’s get going. We need to find out if we’re really having a baby.”