Chapter 20

TWENTY

A nother day, another docking. Elias appreciated forward momentum. Every new dock brought a new direction for his ship and his crew. But they'd been hitching themselves to the same posts a little too often for his liking over the past week or so. Twice to the Cambridge and twice swallowed by Alpha Station. At least this time they were ensconced in the Anatolius family dock, a smaller but no less grand chamber designed to house a handful of ships that all shamed the Chaos with their sleek lines and scarcely blemished plating.

The folks gathered to greet them didn't qualify as a mob—not like last time—but Zed's family exuded as much presence as the AEF and media had on their previous visit. They swarmed around Zed as he stepped down from the cargo ramp, riotous in their joy. A happy lump in his throat, Elias watched the unrestrained reunion until Maddox pushed out of the huddle and strode toward him, hand outstretched. Elias caught the hand and braced for a hearty shake. None of Zed's family did things in a small way. He was hauled into a hug instead.

"Thank you." Maddox tightened his grip, apparently intent on squeezing the life from him. "Anything you need, okay? Anything." He let go and sniffed. "Where's Flick?"

Elias cleared his throat. "Ah…just putting the c-core to bed."

One dark brow quirked upward. "Tell him…shit." Maddox's eyes got a little bit shinier. "All of you. Anything. Everything."

Smiling, Elias pushed the man toward his family.

Nessa jumped from the end of the ramp. "I'm going to accompany Kinley to the Anatolius clinic, help them determine the best…" She exhaled slowly. "Help them make her comfortable. They want to check Ryan over too. Fix is still in his quarters."

He'd been there for ten hours, the bulk of the journey to Alpha. Elias hadn't pinged his bracelet for docking, and when Fix hadn't arrived on the bridge to insist he guide them in, Elias had known he might not rouse to disembark the ship, either.

"I'll take care of him," Elias said.

Nessa squeezed his arm, then moved to catch up with the medical personnel guiding the hover float out of the docks. Marnie and Ryan were already with them. Elias turned back to his ship and saw Fixer leaning in the doorway of the inner hatch. The running lights in Cargo One were on, but their radiance didn't quite reach that far back. He didn't need it. Fix's posture told him everything he needed to know.

Elias paced back through the cargo bay, halting before the man he'd adopted to fill a hole in his own life, the one left by the death of his younger brother. "He loves you, Felix. He'll come find you when his family is finished smothering him."

Fix made no answer.

Elias tipped his head toward the docks. "Ready to go?" When Fix didn't move, Elias hooked a hand around his arm. "C'mon. We'll claim the good rooms while they're all getting organized." Not that the family building had any bad rooms.

Fix still didn't move.

Elias put a hand to the back of Fixer's head and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead. "Trust me. I got this one."

Fix leaned in and Elias gathered him into a fast embrace.

The nightmare chased Felix into the bathroom. The striplight overhead had been set low, but compared to the darkness of the room beyond, it might as well have been a sun. Felix let the radiance seep into his skin, his being. Encouraged it to banish the chill creeping down his spine. Memories of claws, screams and an awful sense of loss that continued to burn in the center of his being.

He checked his reflection in the mirror. The harsh light turned him into a ghoul. Hollow eyes and sallow cheeks. His bare chest resembled that of a cadaver. Pale and waxy, the crisscross of scars a series of faint shadows pushed out by the bumps of his ribs. Being confronted with his wretchedness prodded at more memories he'd rather forget. The deep, chemical slumber that had got him to Alpha Station. Dragging himself up to Cargo One just in time to see Zed departing with his family. Elias forbidding him to retreat back inside the Chaos , dumping him here, in this apartment.

Fuck.

Wasn't everything supposed to be fixed now?

Felix fumbled with his bracelet, the fingers of his right hand as clumsy as those of his left usually were. A small holoscreen coalesced, bright against the ambience of the striplight. He poked at the display until a picture popped up. His most treasured possession, a still capture of him and Zed the night of their graduation from Shepard Academy. Grief pulled at his insides. He'd brought Zed back, delivered him to his family. He'd fought and lost. Surely it was time to go home. To his home. Let Zed go, properly this time.

The door hissed open and Felix jumped, banging his hip bones against the counter in front of the mirror. A strangled yelp burned his throat. Weirdly displaced guilt thundered through his veins, as if he'd been caught doing the wrong thing. He thumbed off his display.

A large figure crowded the entrance to the bathroom, then Zed's face joined his in the mirror. Zed was here?

Felix spoke to their reflections. "What are you doing here?"

"You weren't in bed when I woke up. I was worried."

"Woke up?" In the same bed? The room had been so dark, the crack of light around the bathroom door not enough to penetrate the gloom. Felix turned around so that he faced Zed rather than his reflection. "You were here?"

"Right here."

"Why are you here?" He couldn't make sense of the fact Zed stood in the bathroom. Here, with him, instead of somewhere with his family. He pushed a hand into his pocket, pulling his pants low on his hips as he did so. Someone had taken his belt off. His fingers closed around the small vial and it rattled contentedly against his palm.

"Please don't," Zed said.

"Don't what?"

"Take any more pills."

Felix pulled out the vial and Zed made no move to stop him. He pushed his thumb to the lid, ready to pop it open. "It's better when I go."

"You don't really believe that."

"Fuck you and your Guardian-mind-reading bullshit. What do you know about it?"

He met Zed's gaze…and saw what Zed knew. Saw the pain and the loss, the heartache and confusion. The need to help, the desire. The glint of joy at being here and now . Sympathy. Love.

Felix struggled to find the words, the ones he needed to tell Zed why he'd screwed everything up so badly. Why he thought Zed would be better off without him, why being broken hurt so much. "I…" He pressed his mangled left hand to his aching heart. "Hurts." A tear spilled down his cheek. "It hurts ."

Zed traced the pad of his thumb across Felix's cheekbone, catching the tear. Then he caressed the side of Felix's face, his touch so delicate, fingers so warm. "Why don't you ever ask for help?"

Felix tightened his grip on the vial. "This helps."

"No, it doesn't." Fatigue shaded Zed's eyes, casting a pall over his handsome face. "Running away never works. Want to know why?"

Felix shook his head, knowing Zed would deliver the punch line anyway.

"Because you can't run away from yourself. Wherever you end up, you will still be there. I should know. I've tried running, remember?" Warm fingers closed around his as Zed caught his hand and the vial both.

"I thought you'd be better off without me."

Zed's brow pinched. "Isn't that for me to decide?"

"I don't fit, not anymore. I never did."

"You're not a pair of pants."

Man, he was tired. But even fully functional he'd never win an argument with Zed. Felix tugged at his hand, hoping to loosen Zed's grip, get to his pills.

"No."

"Let me go."

Sadness crept across Zed's face. Gray and weary. The large fingers wrapped around Felix's loosened. "Is that what you really want?"

Stomach swirling as if he'd just taken a turn through zero-g, Felix made an attempt to consider his future. Could he, with a single word, decide whether Zed would be a part of it or not? His eyelids slid down, heavy and gritty. He knew what life without Zed would be. The emptiness of it rang in his ears, pulled at the center of his chest. Felix thought of the early days of the Chaos , outfitting the ship with Elias, the comradely relationship between himself and the captain. He thought of Qek with her weird wrinkled smiles. The irascible doctor, the warmth of Nessa's care. He'd managed without Zed, even if intimacy had been reduced to a series of anonymous encounters that barely scratched the itch.

He'd managed, but he hadn't been whole. Not truly alive.

Having Zed in his life hurt, but only because Zed made him feel. It was as if the former soldier had kick-started his heart—and who knew a man could live without the thing beating for so long? Or, without it beating in proper time.

Having Zed in his life meant accepting the fact he had a living family, who would want to remain in close contact with their son. And so they should. Could Felix ever be a part of that?

He opened his eyes. "What about your family?"

"They'll always be here."

Was Zed asking him to stay or implying he'd be free to leave? Did he have the right to hope for either?

"I thought I'd lost you. You died. You were gone. I can't…" Felix swallowed something prickly. "The next time will kill me."

"So it's better to be alone?"

"Yes."

Zed hissed softly and his forehead wrinkled. "You're not alone, Flick."

"Flick's gone. He was killed by the stin. You're the only one who remembers him."

Something sparked in Zed's gaze. "I don't believe that." He clutched at Felix's fingers. Squeezed them tight. "You're right here. Right goddamn here. Now tell me what you want."

You .

Felix shook his head. He didn't have the right to lay a claim.

Jaw flexing, a muscle jumping halfway along, Zed growled, the sound low and ominous. "What do you want?"

"I'm not good enough for you. I never have been. Now I'm just a piece of junk. They broke me. The stin…" His throat closed as his most recent nightmare teased the edges of his consciousness. The terror, the torture. The overwhelming feeling of loss that he'd never quite overcome.

"I don't believe that." Zed's quiet rebuke snapped him back to the present.

"The Guardians can't fix me."

Zed growled again. "Stop avoiding the question. Tell me what you want!" He used his height to loom over Felix, the grip of his fingers still tight, painful. "Tell me."

The beginnings of panic seeped through Felix's veins, the fear of being trapped, pinned. The scowl of Zed's features, the rough timbre of his demands. Pulse hammering, Felix shifted. The aftereffects of the sedatives made him dizzy. His brain fizzed and popped.

"Flick—"

The nickname scraped a raw nerve. "You! You, Zed. I want you."

Zed wilted into him. "Thank Christ."

"I'm sorry. I know I can't?—"

"Oh, shut up." Zed let go of his hand to cover his mouth. Felix could taste the sweat on his fingers as they pushed his lips closed. "Now comes the hard part."

Felix's eyes widened.

"Now you're going to ask for help."

Oh hell no.

Felix struggled against the weight pressing him into the vanity. Even weakened by stin poison, Zed outmatched him. Felix could barely move.

"Ask me."

Felix contemplated biting the fingers pressed to his lips—and then his thoughts ground to a startling halt. What the fuck was he doing? This was Zed. This was the man he loved. This was the man he'd antagonized the stin and the Guardians for. Had traveled across the galaxy for, would have ripped heads from shoulders for. The man he didn't want to live without.

He moved his lips and Zed shifted his hand.

"I'm so fucked up."

"I know." Zed's expression softened. "Ask me."

Felix drew a breath that rasped against his throat, then pushed out the words, feeling the passage of every single one across his heart. "Help me, Zed…I need you."

Save me.

The first step in being saved, apparently, was being pushed toward the shower.

"I love you, but you stink."

Felix caught a whiff of himself as he reached for the control panel. He wrinkled his nose. He hesitated, confused by the array of options, and Zed reached over his shoulder and selected a program. Then that strong hand slipped to his hip and wandered around to his stomach, the brush of fingers making Felix's skin twitch, the musculature beneath jump.

Zed tugged at the fastening on his utility pants. "Got anything you want to save in these pockets? Because I'm stuffing these rags in the disposal."

"These pants are new."

"They were new two months ago. Then they met you."

Two months. Zed had been back in his life for two months.

He'd worn out a pair of pants in two months. "'S your fault."

The pants slipped from his hips with a quick motion of Zed's hand. The warmth of Zed's palm ghosted over his ribcage. "You need to eat. Get in the shower, I'm gonna order something."

Felix did as bid. He began with a perfunctory wash, then took time to luxuriate in the fall of warm water. When he stepped out, the mat sucked moisture from his feet and the smart towel warmed his face. Grudgingly, he submitted to the good feeling of being clean. He'd shed the weight of some of his grief in the shower. Holding his shoulders up wasn't so hard.

His vial of pills was gone from the vanity.

Zed distracted him with food and insisted he take a nap.

When he woke again, the fog of his last dose of sedatives had lifted. Better than the clarity, however, was the warmth of Zed reclined next to him, on his side, one arm folded, cheek pillowed in the palm of that hand.

"Have you been here the whole time?" Felix asked.

"Mmm-hmm."

"What about your family?"

Zed lifted the shoulder not buried in his pillow. "I'm resting, doctor's orders."

Felix recalled Nessa's report from the med bay. Dehydration, exhaustion, stin poison, the bandage on his foot. "Are you okay?" He'd forgotten to ask that before. How could he have forgotten to ask that before? "Shit, Zed. What happened to you?—"

Zed leaned in and kissed him. The gesture was so unexpected, that Felix gasped into the lips caressing his. Shuddered as the tip of Zed's tongue poked his upper lip before darting away, quick as it had arrived. As a method of shutting him up, it was pretty damned effective. He panted into the handful of centimeters between them as Zed pulled back.

"We'll talk later," Zed said. "Going to be plenty of time to talk on the way to Morrison."

They were going back to Dieter's asteroid? Felix tried to open his mouth. Zed caught his lips again. Murmured. "We'll talk about that later too."

Felix flattened his palm against the center of Zed's chest, resisted the urge to curl his fingers into the soft bristle of hair he found there, and pushed. "Let me talk."

"Nope. You've got that whole apology tone going and I don't need to hear it."

"What do you want to talk about, then?"

"Sex."

"Sex?"

"You think I cleaned you up and fed you because I'm a good person? I want sex, Felix. I've been imprisoned, and then strapped into a med bay. Now I'm confined to quarters. I've been lying here watching you sleep for nearly twenty-four hours and I'm horny."

Felix blinked. "You are a good person."

"That's what you took from all that?" Zed leaned in again.

Felix pushed at him. "No, let me finish. I promise we can have sex when I'm done, but let me finish this, please."

Before he could apologize again—he could spend the next year saying sorry and it wouldn't be enough—Felix blew out a breath and gathered his thoughts. Sorted them, began to spill them.

"I should have told you I loved you on Ashushk Prime. Hell, Zed, I should have told you the day you walked aboard the Chaos and tried to break my wrist. I never stopped. You know that, right? I never stopped loving you. It's always been you. You're my hero, Zed, and have been since I was eight years old."

The bedclothes rippled and Zed's hand covered his beneath the sheet. Pressing Felix's palm to his heart. His smile sent warmth into Felix's bones. It was a beautiful smile, his favorite smile. The one from the picture he carried in his bracelet's memory.

"I know you love me, just as I know you have a hard time saying it. But it doesn't have to be a promise, okay? It's a fact."

"No. It is a promise." I'm going to love you forever . He couldn't say that out loud. Not that. For as much as Zed seemed to have forgiven him, made plans to leave Alpha with him, he hadn't actually promised forever. And Felix would never ask.

Zed's smile dimmed slightly but the clasp of his fingers strengthened, and when Felix examined the line of Zed's mouth again, he saw pensiveness. Zed was thinking—which was what he did. Then his features took on a measure of solemnity. "Okay. I love you too."

A promise.

Felix's heart tried to soar, but banged against his breastbone before it could leave his chest, which was just as well. A man needed a heart to love, to live.

"Can we make love now?" Zed asked.

"Hell yes." Felix reached down, Zed's hand trailing him, coverlet bunching around their wrists as they pushed it aside. Light glinted from shadow, sparking in the region of Zed's nipples. "Holy shit."

Felix tweaked one of the barbells, a gentle twist, and Zed hissed.

"Tell me this is not some weird torture thing."

"No, it's a weird Maddox thing. We, ah, went out one night."

"And got piercings? That's…hot." Really fucking hot. Felix nudged the small ball at the end of the bar again and his own nipples tightened in response. Lust rocketed in a straight shot to his groin. His cock twitched. "Does it hurt?" He glanced up.

Zed's flattened lips said yes. Like the brave soldier he was, however, he shook his head.

"Liar." Felix flicked the barbell again. "Any feedback?"

"God, no." Zed's hand covered his, stilling his busy fingers. "Just…tender."

Oh, yeah, he was sore, but not willing to admit it. Grinning, Felix leaned in and flicked his tongue over the warm metal and tender nub between the studs. "Don't worry, I'll be careful." He was going to have fun with these.

Fun. Man, it had been a long time since he'd thought about fun.

The small barbells called to his fingers. He let his tongue explore the piercings, though, confident he'd have another chance to tug at the delicate points with more urgency in the weeks to come. Zed trembled beneath his ministrations, gasping, all but mewling. Felix loved drawing such sounds from him. Zed's quivers and moans sent a heady rush of triumph and need through his limbs. Gave him strength and purpose.

He reached between them, continuing his earlier course, fingers sliding down the trail of hair that traveled from Zed's pecs to his navel, lower, curling more robustly beneath Felix's fingertips until it gave way to the hard length of Zed's cock. Wrapping his fingers around the shaft, Felix squeezed. He flicked his tongue over a nipple, noting the point was equally hard. Zed groaned. His hips rocked forward and the weight of him rolled Felix back so that they no longer lay side on, facing each other. Zed scooted closer, then moved over him, pinned him lightly with his weight, erection pushing at the inside of Felix's thigh.

"This okay?" Zed always asked, always cared.

Felix nodded, because after that second of instinctual panic, it was more than okay. For the first time in…a long time, he felt safe rather than trapped. This was where he wanted to be. Under Zed, beside Zed, with Zed. Always. And though he'd been intent on following their usual course—worshipping Zed's body, tasting him, teasing him, burying himself inside that tantalizing heat, now he wanted something different. Something he didn't often ask for, but which felt right after the promise he'd given, the one Zed had given him in return.

"I want you inside me."

Zed's eyebrows lifted. "You're sure?"

"Yes." This would be his seal. A token. His trust, his love.

Zed shifted. The friction of skin to skin, the hot brand of Zed's cock dragging across his thigh, the prickle of hair, the promise of that weight against him, pressing his own erection back against his belly—Felix groaned, the sound involuntary and definitely louder than he'd like.

Zed rolled his hips, kicking off another round of sensation. Felix pushed his head back into the pillow and closed his eyes, let the spark ignite across his skin. Gave himself over to Zed. Lips attached to his neck, nipping, sucking. The flutter of Zed's tongue was electric. Felix rocked upward. Zed pressed him back down. Teeth caught his earlobe, breath stirred the hair over his ear. He recognized Zed's path, then. It was the one he usually took. Up, across, down…then across again, tongue tip zinging across a hard nipple, lips pulling at the taut flesh over his stomach. A hand wrapped around his hip, holding him in place. The scrape of stubble at his ribs, over his other nipple. Tongue again, teeth. A dizzying circle of teasing—only delivered to his body instead of Zed's.

Concern pulled him out of a lusty haze, that Zed wasn't getting his due. Zed batted his hand away before it could fully grasp his hip. "No. Hands at your sides. You're mine to do with as I want, and I'm going to make you beg."

Shock sharpened his vision. Sucking in a breath that seared his throat, Felix pushed up against Zed. They didn't play this way, not with him. Was this repayment for that last night in this bed? Before he'd tucked his tail and run? No. No, that wasn't Zed's style. This was play. Fun.

Swallowing, Felix eased himself back down. He noticed, then, that Zed was holding himself still over him, almost rigid. Felix dipped his chin in a quick nod. An unexpected grin pulled at one corner of his mouth and he let it expand, knowing how Zed loved the dimple in his left cheek.

Then he begged, before he had to. "Please."

Zed relaxed and renewed his assault. Felix bucked and moaned, begged some more, and when Zed finally dropped down between his thighs, nudging them apart, lifting his knees, exposing him, Felix lifted his hips in invitation. He was beyond ready. Beyond panic and fear, ready to be made Zed's. Again, and again.

Zed tortured his cock. Lips, tongue and teeth.

Shaking, Felix clutched sheets made damp by his sweat, arched his back and spread his legs further. "Now, please. I need you. You're killing me. Fuck me."

After lubing up his fingers, Zed teased some more, pressing, opening, making Felix shudder from the inside out—and wonder why he didn't ask for this every time. Sure, he was exposed, he was under another man, and now and again fear nipped at his thoughts. But the scent of Zed rising from his skin—his breath, his kisses, that woodsy aroma that Felix knew intimately, but had never quite identified—kept him relaxed. Horny as the devil and needy as fuck. But safe to explore. To want.

Zed's hips settled between his thighs, pushing them still wider apart. As Felix braced for that nudge, the quick hot pain, Zed's lips caught his. Only a tall man could manage this, and Zed did it beautifully, kissing him deeply, yet breathlessly, as he pushed inside. He swallowed Felix's hiss, kissed him through the surprise as he slid forward without hindrance to fill him.

"Feel so good," Zed said against his lips.

Felix managed a grunt in return.

Zed pulled back, almost all the way, and eased forward again with agonizing slowness.

"So good."

"You said that."

Zed bit his lower lip before drawing back and sliding forward again, hot breath pushing into Felix's mouth. "So very good."

Felix caught on to Zed's plan. "You want me to beg again." The pressure inside him required a quick inhalation before he could continue. "You'll need it before I do."

Zed rolled his hips back, his motion almost a caress as he withdrew. He paused, just before he could slip out, and that particular tease—the anticipation of Zed sliding back in, filling him—almost undid Felix. Before he could retract his taunt, however, Zed braced himself on one hand, lifted Felix's knee over his shoulder and rocked forward again, the blunt head of his cock nailing that spot on the way past.

"Fuck!"

"Yessss." Zed repeated the motion with torturous slowness.

Felix swallowed obscenities. He did lift a hand, and Zed didn't object to the fingers suddenly wrapped around his hip, digging into his buttock. He did resist the tug of Felix's hand, the urge to move faster.

Felix breathed his name.

Zed did it again and again, that slow withdrawal, that equally slow thrust, filling him, leaving him bereft, filling him once more. Nudging his prostate over and over. Teasing him with excruciating patience.

Felix's balls ached. The tension gathered in his groin hurt. He had to give in—it was either that or die of exquisite pleasure. "Harder, faster. Please, I'm begging you."

Zed's hips rolled forward. "What was that? I didn't hear you."

"Harder. Please. Faster. Fuck me! Do it, please."

A hot breath against his neck, a twinge along the back of the thigh lined up over Zed's shoulder, and then Zed's hips snapped forward. The jolt of intense pleasure nearly blinded him. Felix gasped, grabbed at Zed's hip. His fingers slipped as Zed pulled back and slammed forward again. He lost count of the thrusts, even though he wanted to mark every one. Remember them.

Then Zed was done, yelling as his climax roared through him, obliterating all sound, even Felix's strangled cries. Felix felt the pulse inside, the warm rush. Where he'd been full before, now he was fuller. He grabbed at his erection, startled that he'd forgotten it for this long. His cock jerked once against his palm and warmth spilled across his fingers. His heart surely stopped and his vision faded. Sensation tossed him up and down, sideways. Drowned him—and he didn't care if his body was ever found. So long as he always felt this good. This complete.

Breathless kisses roused him, pulled him back to the surface. Felix exhaled into Zed's mouth. He sucked lazily on Zed's tongue, kissed his lips, caught the lower between his teeth. Let it go. "Can't feel my body."

"Oh yeah?" Zed rolled his hips.

It took a second for Felix to locate his hands. His body had become so disconnected. Plucking his fingers from the firm curve of Zed's ass, he pushed at the front of his thigh. "Stop."

"Hmm, nope." Another thrust. How was Zed still hard? "Want you again."

"Did the Guardians do something to your cock?"

"Fuck, I hope not." Zed's hips stopped moving for a second, then settled back between Felix's sore thighs. "Nah, it's just you. Love having you under me."

Thoughts ticking over a little less sluggishly, Felix considered that idea. "I?—"

Zed cut him off with a kiss. "Just for today. I love being fucked by you too much to make this a permanent switch. But, once in a while…" Another thrust punctuated his words. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry if?—"

Zed kissed him again.

"You can't keep cutting me off with kisses."

"Watch me."

"Zed…" Zed leaned in and Felix extracted a hand from the sweaty sheets and pushed his fingers over Zed's lips. "I'll stay, if you want me to. Here, on Alpha." It would hurt to give up the Chaos —his freedom and every other concept he'd attached to that ship—but for Zed, he would do it. Lying here, right now, loved so thoroughly, he could make the offer and mean it.

Zed shook his head slowly. "This isn't home. Nice place to visit, but this isn't where we belong." He kissed Felix's fingers. "I miss the smell of engineering. Our bunk. Your ship."

"Ours." He and Elias might hold the deed, Nessa and Qek might have seniority in the crew, but Zed had kicked in more than his share. "It belongs to all of us. She's home to all her crew."

"That she is." Zed's hips rolled again. "Ready?"

Felix groaned. "You're going to kill me."

Zed's lips covered his with a word. "Never."