17. Caplan

I pull back. She is looking at me with blank shock. Her mouth is still open. Then she lifts her chin up like she's about to say something, and I can't help it and kiss her again.

"What the fuck?"

We break apart.

Hollis is staring at us. Everyone is staring at us.

"What the fuck?" Hollis says again.

My mind is working in half time. I'm still holding on to one of Mina's wrists. She unlocks my fingers and peels them off. Her hands are shaking. I don't know where to look. Someone giggles nervously. Hollis stands up, looking down at me. I try to speak, and nothing comes out. She picks up her shirt and leaves, slamming the front door.

"Holy shit," says one of the guys.

"What happened? My eyes were closed."

"Caplan. Caplan, come on." Someone is pulling me to my feet, hands under my armpits. It's Quinn. "You gotta go after her," he says, leading me toward the door. I try to look back at Mina, but she's staring at a spot on the carpet.

Ruby's front door bangs shut behind me.

"HOLLIS!"

She does not stop walking.

"Hollis, come on. Wait."

"Wait?" she calls without turning around. "Wait for what?"

"Please!" I'm running and she's walking, so I catch up to her pretty easily. I try to touch her arm, and she twists away. "Please wait," I say again.

"What am I waiting for?" She turns around so quickly I almost bang into her. She's crying. Not in the way she normally cries. Her face is all broken and messy, working hard to stop it.

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry."

"Yeah—"

"What are you sorry for?"

"I'm sorry for kissing her?"

"Why are you sorry for that?" she spits. "It was a drinking game. It doesn't matter."

"But you're upset."

She turns around again.

"Hollis, come on. Please—"

"No, you come on."

Now she's really crying, her chest moving too fast. My head is spinning, and I feel like everything is flying up off the ground around me, like a comic book disaster, like the tornado that takes them all to Oz. I try to put my arms around her, and she kind of lets me for a second, and then she pushes me back.

"I'm sick of this," she says. "How are you not sick of this?"

"Of what?"

"I'm sick," she says very slowly and clearly, "of you."

I can't think of anything to say. We look at each other for a long time. I want to close the foot of space between us, but I don't know how.

"That was humiliating."

"I'm sorry," I try again.

"Sorry for what? Tell the truth. What are you sorry for?"

"I don't—I don't know what you mean."

"Do you love me?"

"I—god, you know I have, like, trouble with—shit, Hollis, I'm—I love my mom and that's probably it, but that doesn't mean that I don't—you know—you're like—you're the most—"

"Do you love Mina?"

All my internal organs trade places. She waits. No, I think, no, of course not. I'm not in love with Mina. No one said anything about love. But the words don't come.

"Okay," she says. "Right. Okay." She doesn't seem angry anymore, but the new look on her face scares me more. Then she hugs me. I hang on to her as tight as I can. Out of nowhere, like a nightmare, I realize I'm going to cry, too.

"We're breaking up, okay?" she says, still holding me.

I don't say anything, because I don't know how my voice will come out. She pulls away.

"I thought I'd have more time, you know?" she says, laughing a little, pressing the palms of her hands into her eyes. "Not that much more, but—I mean I thought you'd figure it out at like, twenty-five, earliest."

"Figure what out?"

She looks at me like she's sorry for me, and then realizes I guess that I'm also crying. She folds for a second. I've never cried in front of Hollis. I've never really cried in front of anyone. She reaches out, like she's going to touch my face, and then drops her arm.

"You have to let me go now," she says, glaring at the dark ground between us. "Okay?"

"Okay," I say.

"And I'm gonna forgive you. Eventually. Because. Well, yeah, for what it's worth, I loved you. I totally did. I only didn't say it cause you couldn't take it."

She walks away.

I stand there waiting, sure beyond belief she'll pause at the corner, because she always does when we fight, and then I'll follow after her, cause that's how it goes. Or at the very least, I think, she'll turn around one more time to say good-bye.

But she doesn't. She goes left at the corner, and then she's gone. Hollis's house is a straight shot down Brighton. She didn't need to turn. That's when I know.