15. Caplan

When I finally get out of detention, I don't even bother going home to drop off any of my things or get the car. I walk straight to Ruby's and end up jogging the last few blocks with my backpack bouncing around stupidly. I'm convinced that if I leave Mina alone in Hollis's company, she'll arrange a wedding for her and Quinn faster than either of them can say, "I guess I do." The jog is a mistake, because when I get there I'm all sweaty and suffering from another feeling that I can't quite place.

At Ruby's, everyone is in her living room crowding around three flattened pizza boxes taped together and covered in Sharpie writing, names and dares, and my heart kicks into high gear. The last thing this fever dream needs is Remove one article of clothing. I don't see Mina or Hollis anywhere, and I'm about to go hunt for them when Quinn sees me. He calls out. Everyone looks up, and then I'm shotgunning a beer with my stupid backpack still on.

I'm on beer three when Quinn wolf whistles. I look up, and Hollis is coming down the stairs with a person I've never seen in my life, much less a person I've spent most of my life so far with. She's wearing a light blue dress with no back, and her hair is on top of her head and all kinda coming down around her face. She looks at me and sort of shrugs, her shoulders moving the blue dress up and down, and then she meets Quinn at the bottom of the stairs. He reaches out to her, and I close my eyes.

"Why's your backpack on?"

"Oh?"

Hollis takes it from me.

"Okay, yeah, thanks."

"Don't worry about her," Hollis says, following my eyes. "She's okay, really. She actually seems like she's having fun."

Mina is still talking to Quinn. Her arms are hanging loose at her sides with her palms open to him.

"Look at her posture. She looks like a whole different person. The power of a good dress."

"Oh," I say. "Yeah, I don't think guys really notice stuff like that."

I walk into the kitchen, which is mercifully empty. I run the tap till it's cold and then put my wrist under the water. This is something Mina once taught me. It's supposed to help with panic and nausea. I realize I hope I'm sick. I hope I'm coming down with the flu and this would all be explained away. Actually, I hope something is seriously medically wrong with me and I have to go to the hospital, because then I wouldn't have to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next. I switch my wrists.

"Hey!"

I jump and turn and Mina is there, gliding toward me looking like a fucking figure skater.

"The water's running?"

"Right, yeah!" I switch it off and dry my hands on my shorts.

Up close, she looks more like herself and also less. She has freckles again and chapped lips, but her eyes are bright and her cheeks are pink.

"So, are you having fun?" I ask.

"You know, I actually am." She starts to pace around the kitchen. "This is going to sound pathetic because we're just in high school and none of these feelings even matter and this couldn't be any more trite—"

"You know, it's not actually your fault that you're in high school. You can still, like, be in the moment sometimes. What's trite mean again?"

"Yes, that's exactly it! That's how I feel. I feel in the moment, actually, for the first time in, I don't even know. It's like—I've been so careful to keep myself held together, and I've wound that mess so tight, and I was always sure that if I took a deep breath it would all explode. But it's like he pulled a loose thread or something and now it's all coming apart but nothing is exploding, I'm just…" She puts both her hands over her heart, then looks down, surprised to find them there, and throws her arms up in the air. When they float back down, she is smiling at nothing. "I'm just breathing."

"Well," I say, "that's really awesome. Breathing is good, right?"

"Right. And trite means, like, ‘unimportant and unoriginal.'"

"Well. You're the opposite of trite. And so are all the things you do and say. And feel."

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asks. "Do I look stupid?" She goes to fold her arms across her chest.

"No, no, don't do that again," I snap, pulling her arms back to her sides. She leaves them hanging, but links her pointer fingers in front of herself.

"You're still doing it."

"Am not," I say.

Suddenly, her mouth falls open. "Are you really being such a boy?"

"Huh?"

"Are you just staring like that cause you can, like, see my arms?"

I can't think of anything to say. She laughs, and I try to figure out how to rein in the conversation. Pull things back onto a plane that I understand.

"I'm disappointed in you," she says. "A little arm skin, that's all it takes?"

"Well," I say, reaching out and pushing the dish towel back and forth on its rod for something to do, "I do think your arms look nice. Is that so bad?"

"Nice?"

"Yeah, like, strong?"

"Oh my god—"

"Well, I'm sorry, but that was a real Hermione-on-the-steps-at-the-ball moment you just had. And don't act like it wasn't!" I sort of yell at her.

"God, I hate that scene."

"Really? I didn't know that."

"I mean, it's iconic, obviously," she says, taking the dish towel from me and folding it neatly again, "but they do that weird thing in the movie where Harry gazes at her. Harry in the book would never look at Hermione that way. It's totally Hollywoodified, and it devalues the simplicity and the strength of their friendship."

"What?" I say. "Can't it be both?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like he can't be her best friend and also look at her and realize she's, like, super beautiful?"

"Yeah, I mean, sure. Hey, are you okay?"

I rub my hands across my face. "Yes," I say. "Yeah, I just—I think I have a fever or something."

"A fever?" She tries to touch my forehead, and I jerk away.

"Yeah, or brain damage—"

"Caplan?"

"And I kinda miss you? Not in a weird way."

"Oh." Her face turns soft. "I miss you, too," she says.

"EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM NOW!" Hollis yells from a universe away.

"Do you think," I say, "that we could walk home later, just us?"

"Of course, but are you sure—"

"Yeah, I'm totally fine, I just want to—uh, yeah, I just want to talk about some stuff?"

"What stuff?"

"Not important stuff—"

"If it's not important, then tell me now?"

"GUYS!" Hollis yells from the doorway.

Quinn ducks under her arm. "The master of ceremonies is impatient," he says.

Hollis elbows him in the stomach and beckons us again.

I can feel Mina looking at me, but I follow after Hollis and Quinn without another word.

We sit in a loose circle around the pizza boxes. There is a lot of pageantry around Mina adding her name in what little space is next, cramped by mine. I worry the whole thing is a little culty and condescending, but she doesn't seem to mind. Then Hollis takes the Sharpie and draws a larger circle around Mina's name and my name.

"So every time the quarter lands on Mina, Cap has to drink, too."

There is a roar of approval.

"You don't have to drink if you don't want to," I say to Mina quietly, but she isn't really listening.

Ruby goes first, and her quarter lands on Give someone a lap dance. She chooses Mina, of course, who covers her eyes, but is also giggling, in a very un-Mina-ish way.

Once in eighth-grade gym, we had to learn square dancing. It was a nightmare for everyone, paired off against our will and promenading around with our arms linked. I remember Mina was paired with Jim Ferraby, who was super quiet, also a nerd, and very nonthreatening. But when he tried to touch her elbow to do-si-do, she turned so pale she looked gray and broke out in a sweat. Five minutes later, she asked to go to the bathroom. She walked purposefully to the door with a straight face and neat little steps, but in the final moments before she cleared the threshold, I saw her getting ready to run. Mina was excused from gym after that with a note about anxiety. I remember the other girls saying it was because she looked so weird in the shorts. I don't remember whether that ever got back to her. I also don't remember if I defended her.

Ruby has her sweater off and is draping it around Mina's neck as she leans backward. Mina reaches out to steady her with a hand on Ruby's back. When Ruby sits up, they're nose to nose and both laughing too hard to keep going.

Then we waterfall, everyone chugging their drink in a cascade. Some of my beer drips under my chin. When it's Quinn's turn, he cheats and places his quarter right on Mina's name. Everyone thinks this is adorable. Before we both drink, she touches her seltzer to my beer in a cheers. She meets my eyes and then looks back at the game like it's nothing.

Noah has to watch porn with headphones on and narrate the whole thing out loud. Becca gets Text or shot and texts her SAT tutor: whats up daddy. Then she also takes the shot, for fun, I guess. Hollis loses her shirt. Then it's Mina's turn, and we play a sickening game of spin the bottle. I get that feeling again, like something huge is trying to get out of my chest, as the empty wine bottle goes around and around. I realize I can't tell if I would rather watch her kiss Quinn or have to kiss her myself, and then the bottle lands decisively on Jamie, who has no personality and no stake in whatever weird extended stroke I'm having. He is probably the least relevant person here. Good for him. I remind myself this is not a movie. This is just my life and a normal Friday night and a drinking game and the stakes are actually very low.

Mina raises her eyebrows at Quinn, and he salutes her. Quinn has always been a good sport. She crawls across the circle on her hands and knees and pecks Jamie Whatshisname so quickly I miss it. They high-five after like they are old friends. The feeling in my chest has gotten worse, and I feel like the only thing to do to make it better would be to grab Mina's hand and drag her outside and down the street and far away and cry to her and tell her everything I feel, as if she has nothing to do with it all, like everything is back to normal, like it's a fight with Hollis or a shitty test grade or a call to my dad sent straight to voicemail, and she would make it all fine, somehow, just with the faces she would make and the things she would say to me.

"Caplan?"

I look at Hollis.

"It's your turn," she says. She looks annoyed.

I can't think what I could have possibly done this time, since I haven't said anything to her all night. Then something clunks into place, and I realize that is probably exactly what I've done. I try to smile at her, but my face isn't working. I flip the quarter high without looking at the board. It lands on JJ, with a big star around it.

"JACKIE JENESSEN RULES!"

"WOOOOO!"

Quinn drumrolls on the carpet, and even Hollis claps her hands together, forgetting her bad mood.

"What's JJ?" Mina asks.

"It's my favorite rule," Hollis says, talking over everyone else.

"Yeah, cause you're a sadist," I say.

"So, everyone closes their eyes, Cap goes into the middle of the circle, and then, in no particular order, he has to kiss the person he is most attracted to, the person he thinks is most attracted to him, and the person he knows the least," Hollis says.

"The person he thinks—"

"Who he wants, who he thinks wants him, who he doesn't really know at all."

"Got it. Evil."

"Ingenious. Jackie Jenessen was a senior when we were in seventh grade. They're my hero."

"They have like ten thousand followers on Instagram now," Ruby says, trying to show Mina her phone.

"OKAY!" I stand up. "Let's get this over with."

Quinn has his hands over his eyes, but he has his fingers spread. I kick him, and he closes his eyes for real. I stand alone in the middle of the circle. Suddenly, I feel better. I feel alone. I finish my beer.

"Caplan always takes his time," Hollis says to Mina. "It's his little rebellion." She has her eyes closed and her head to the side, chin up. She smirks, waiting.

I walk around the circle, a swing in my step now. I take Quinn's beer from him and finish that, too. Then I hand him the can.

"Cap, get down to it."

Usually when we play, I just kiss Hollis and then sit back down, since no one will know the difference, anyway. I turn to look at her. I didn't know someone could roll their eyes while they're closed, but she does. I drop to her level and put my forehead against hers so I don't surprise her. She tilts up to kiss me, one hand on my face, but both of mine are in fists in front of me on the ground. I sit back on my heels. Mina is next to her, eyes closed, looking peaceful. She's playing with the bottom of her dress in both hands. Someone has put something white and sparkly on her eyelids. It looks like tiny shards of glass. I lean closer to see it better. I realize it's not white but pale blue, like her eyes. She scratches her nose absently. I reach out without thinking and touch the spot she touched. She opens her eyes. Her mouth parts in surprise. Like a magnet, like what goes up must come down, like the easiest thing I've ever done, I lean in.