15. Claire

The comforts of my bedroom do nothing to soothe the helplessness coursing through my body. When I think back to the entirety of our day, perhaps it was too much for him. But also, fuck Julian.

If anyone should understand their own boundaries, it"s him. Why did he take me to Nina"s Boutique? Buying my forgiveness after laying the bombshell about Charleston hitting him as a kid is a lot. Then he gets me the BDSM getup and tells me I have to learn new tricks from his old flame?

And then if I have second thoughts, we should just be normal and sleep together. This is chaos. None of this is normal, and still, I want him. It could be the way he cares for me when he doesn"t have to. The conversation with Bonnie from a while back flashes in my head. Julian doesn"t do anything he doesn"t want to do, and he wants to date me, be with me.

The dating scene never interested me while in school because most high school guys are like Devon. They act like getting the date is the most important part and can"t follow through with what comes next…like showing up at the agreed time. Hell, from what I see across social media and TV shows, even guys Julian"s age are more like Devon. I believe Julian more than ever now. It takes a special kind of woman to love him and I want to make sure I"m ready to take on whatever comes with that.

The more things we do outside of work and the bedroom will tell us more about each other in the roles of this new dynamic. I don"t know how deep I want to go with Julian. Shit, keeping things shallow to the point of simply sharing a bed to sleep together turned into a catastrophe.

The eruption of his terror burst through the peace of the night as I lay in his arms, dreaming of what comes next for us. The sound of his heart racing is something I"ll never forget. Julian"s not a fearful person, but tonight? Everything we talked about showed up in his dreams.

I hate that his father did this to him. The more I unravel our day, the more I hate Charleston and Bianca. They turned him into this hardened, temperamental guy who has laser beam focus, but can"t sleep through the night.

I"m not that much better. Thankfully, the person responsible for my trauma is long gone. I don"t have to look at them as a part of my family. I don"t have to put up with them or their volatile behavior haunting me in my present-day reality.

Charleston Blackwell is unnecessary and cruel. It"s like he makes it a personal challenge to get under people"s skin, just to skin them from the inside out by the end of an interaction. To put up with that and the physical attacks as a child?

It"s not a mystery why Julian has nightmares. Still, seeing it unfold, jolted awake by someone else"s fear, is scary to see. To put myself to sleep, I go to my most trusted source of peace, reaching into my nightstand for the tablet of my mother and father.

All the videos aren"t labeled individually. But the ones I play the most are in their own folder. All the rest need to be watched and sorted. That"s an emotional toll I"m not ready to pay. At least the dates are in all of the default file names.

I click one I specifically titled Dating Advice. It"s one of several videos that have varying bits of information my mother wants me to know.

An image of my mother sitting alone opens on the screen. The paleness of her skin, clinging to her shrinking frame as she hides it under a loose-fitting poncho, shows her in a bad way. Whatever sickness it is, it"s taking over and I hate to watch it win over the course of every video. The liveliest part of her is her smile and the smile in those grey eyes that match mine.

"Claire Bear," she says softly. "I don"t know what it"s going to be like when you start dating."

Dad shouts from off camera. "She"s not dating anyone. She"s going to be a nun."

Mom laughs as she continues. "Derek, stop. Don"t leave Julian waiting. Now go. I"m going to be fine."

Dad comes onto the screen, kneeling beside Mom, with so much love in their eyes for each other. He turns toward the screen and says, "Claire Bear, there"s no dating advice that any kid takes from their parents when they need it, so we"re saying it now. One, I told you so. Every parent has a way they say it. Sometimes it"s the way their eyes look off to the side or the way their head tilts with their all-knowing, you should have listened to me stare. You"re going to hate it when I do it, but listen to your mother so you never have to hear us say?—"

He turns to her and she says, "I"m so sorry Claire, I never wanted this to happen."

A chuckle at their teamwork plays with my grief that I won"t get to see either of them give me that look, or tell me they were right. As she turns back to Dad, who"s laughing too, he says, "Two, everybody"s a fucking mess."

Mom interjects, swatting him on the shoulder. "That"s not true. Everyone has struggles and their own personal issues."

Dad nods vigorously. "Exactly what I said. A fucking mess and your mother loves me to death. All of it. The good, and the bad."

She interrupts with a gesture to herself. "The ugly."

"Don"t you dare, Sue Ellen. You"re beautiful, through sickness and in health, you are the best part of me, the beauty, the light in my dark to guide me out of my forest of monsters." His voice fades as he appears to forget they"re on camera, rubbing her hand before kissing the top of it and turning back to the camera. "Reciprocity, baby girl. Respect and reciprocity have to come before love. Love comes, goes, it changes and grows, but the way I protect this woman, her heart, it"s unshakeable because of the way she"s protected me."

A door opens off camera and my favorite part of the video outside of my Dad reciting pieces of his vows as dating advice walks on screen. A young Julian Blackwell, happy, handsome and a few pounds lighter walks over to my mother, kissing her gently on the top of her head. They share a look in their eyes as if they speak their own secret language. Dad gets up and turns to the camera for his last bit.

"And lastly, our dear Claire Bear, Julian here, pledges his undying loyalty to you. He"s going to protect me so I don"t go to jail for dumping your boyfriend in the Bay. Love you." He shifts his gaze to Mom, lowering his voice with so much care it makes me tear up every time I watch it. "And I love you, Sue-Ell."

"Come on, we have to get the paint and stuff to finish Claire"s room. Let Sue-Ellen be," Julian grabs Dad by the shoulders and playfully ushers him off camera.

"Claire," Mom says, "Love, respect, and having someone treat you the way you deserve isn"t a perfect science. Things come up. People get sick, hopefully they get better. People lose interest, hopefully they find their way back to each other. Love isn"t perfect and you should never put that kind of pressure on it. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself time to learn and love whoever you choose. That"s a different message for a different day. I love you forever."

I end the video as she signs off and I close my eyes to sleep. The peace of her voice has me ready to forget the tremble of fear that pulled me awake earlier. When my alarm goes off, I"m surprised to find Julian in the training room, instead of Bonnie.

He"s sitting in regular clothes while I"m suited up and ready to fight the demons that attacked him last night.

"Good morning, Julian. How are you feeling?" I ask him.

"Lousy, if I"m being honest. I think I might have to try something a little bit different for this apology. Go change, we"re going out."

"But my training?" My heart races at the change in my routine, glancing around and waiting for Bonnie to pop out. It feels like a trap and she"s going to try and tackle me or chastise me for not stretching and warming up.

"Canceled for the day. I gave Bonnie the day off and we"re going for those pancakes you like to live dangerously for with that Boysenberry syrup you love. I figured we should do something normal. Less normal and far more harmless than sleeping together."

Laughter comes out softly from behind my lips. "Pancakes are harmless. Then into the office?"

"No. It"s a beautiful Friday in San Fran. Let"s have some fun and remind my inner child that everything isn"t scary and painful. I can show you some of the places your Dad and I used to hang out."

"I"d like that," I tell him, hurrying out of the room to change into regular clothes.

It feels good to get out of the house and break our routine. Even though my anxiety takes time to adjust to us taking the day off. Our first stop is at a diner with a flair for outrageous breakfast items. I get my Boysenberry syrup drenched French Toast pancakes while Julian orders a dish I never thought in a million years he"d order.

"That doesn"t look like multi grain toast and that"s not a matcha latte."

The smile spreading across his face brings so much joy to Julian"s eyes and mine as he goes over everything on his plate. "Cinnamon French Toast with AppleJack flavored whipped cream. And this is a stuffed chocolate milkshake with chocolate chips and chocolate cake chunks."

"That"s so much sugar, you"re going to be bouncing off the walls."

He licks his lips, saying, "I could be bouncing off your walls. No, I"m on my best behavior today. We"re having fun. I don"t want my default to be sex with you."

"Default sex sounds fun," I joke back and we continue with our breakfast. A silent promise from the both of us to not link back to the way we make each other feel.

After breakfast is a day where Julian"s smile grows with every minute we spend together. From an arcade to riding bikes. We have lunch with views of the Golden Gate, talking about everything and sometimes about nothing. We stay away from our respective traumas and simply enjoy being together. I feel at home with Julian and a part of me doesn"t want this day to end.

By the end of the night, we"re back at the manor, cozy in front of the fireplace at the center of his room.

"Thank you for today, Julian," The quiet solace we find in each other soothes the uneasiness from last night"s nightmare. The energy still ripe in the air hanging in the room disappears the longer we sit together. "I know it"s a lot for you to not do any kind of work, to change your routine."

"I have to make time for us to have fun in my routine if we"re even going to think about pursuing this thing between us further."

Shifting my weight to face him, "If?"

"I know I scared you last night. Shit, I scared myself. I think I dumped everything on you as a defense mechanism."

"Trauma sabotage, that"s a new one. Is that what Dr. Malia Mescal calls it?" I immediately hate the snark in my voice.

He takes it in stride. "I"m sorry, Claire. I didn"t mean to spring her on you. She"s not treating me professionally or sexually. I swear. I just have a great deal of respect for her working with people like me who don"t go for traditional methods of dealing with inner demons."

"Do you think you"d still enjoy the pain and pleasure of sex if you didn"t go through everything you did?"

He shrugs. "I want to say that I would, but masking one pain to dominate another is like asking if the chicken came before the egg. The only way I can answer that is if the shit with my father never happened in the first place. Unfortunately, we can"t turn back those hands of time."

"How about I just meet her? Can we go for coffee or something? I don"t want to meet anyone for the first time in black latex with thigh high boots."

He growls, low, visceral, and nuzzles against my neck. "I can"t wait to see you in that just to peel you out of it."

"How about you show me where you"d peel me out of it?" I ask him. Curiosity and desire dominate my request. "Take me to your dungeon."