24. Zara

24

ZARA

This must be some sort of fever dream.

Bianca’s excitement about the pregnancy must have rub off on me. She’s thrilled at the idea of becoming an auntie and has been texting me nonstop over the past two days with lists of potential baby names and links to websites that tell me what size fruit my baby is.

It’s adorable, and it gives me hope that once I buck up the courage to tell Dimitri, he’ll be just as thrilled.

Not only that, but Giovanni is still keeping well out of my way. He’s barely even emailing me with tasks, so I’m finding myself with a lower workload than usual, but I’m not complaining.

My nausea isn’t going away, and I’m exhausted even after sleeping eight to ten hours every night.

I swear Bianca wasn’t this bad when she was first pregnant with Leo.

Life seems to be running strangely smoothly, though the bubble is going to burst at any moment.

I know Giovanni is simply biding his time, hoping that Dimitri will eventually get bored of being by savior and back off, and Giovanni can go back to harassing me at every moment of the day. And if he were to find out about the baby…

If putting a ring on my finger had him pinning me against the wall, who knows what he’ll do when he finds out I’m pregnant. The thought makes my stomach churn.

I really need to tell Dimitri .

I decide to take lunch at my desk, if only to be close to a bathroom in case my morning sickness hits and to keep an eye on my emails. I’m waiting for a few case reports to be approved, and I don’t want to have to stay late to get them finished. Not when a nice soak in the bath and an early bed are waiting for me when I get home.

Karlie heads out to the local coffee shop, promising to bring me back a pastry, which means I have a bit of peace and quiet in our corner of the office for the next hour.

Half way through my lunch break, Bianca calls, and her name flashing up on the screen has a smile tugging at my lips. Ever since we both got married, we’ve been so busy living our new lives, and I don’t want us to lose the close friendship that we’ve spent years building.

“Hey,” I greet, tucking my phone between my ear and shoulder as I quickly finish up an email.

“Hey! I just put Leo down for a nap, so I thought I’d check in.”

I grin. “Because Alexei is away, and you have no one else to talk to.”

She laughs. “Pretty much.”

“B, I’m fine . You don’t need to check up on me every day.”

“Uh, yes, I do. That’s my job.”

“Were you always this much of a mother hen before Leo? ”

“He’s made it so much worse.” She groans. “I just want to mother everyone. Honestly, Danil refuses to be alone with me because I had a go at him at dinner the other week for not eating his vegetables. What the hell is wrong with me?”

“It’s sweet that you care so much.” I quickly click send on my email and close my laptop. “But I’m honestly fine.”

“So you keep saying…”

We’re both quiet for a moment, and my throat starts to clog.

“Zara?”

I let out a breath as I lean back in my chair, trying hard not to let the tears escape down my cheeks.

“You still haven’t told Dimitri, have you?”

“No…”

“Babe, you need to tell him. Secrets never stay secret for long. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Trust me on that one.”

“I know, you’re right. It’s just…” My hand falls to my stomach, and I start to crack.

“What’s holding you back? Are you scared of his reaction?”

“I guess on some level I am…” My voice thickens with tears. “I just wonder if he’s actually starting to fall in love with me because I sure as hell am falling for him, but it can’t be that easy, right? I mean, that was never part of the plan?—”

My eyes widen and I press my lips together as I realize what I’ve just admitted.

“Zara… What do you mean, if he’s falling in love with you .”

I screw my eyes shut, silently cursing myself for letting my emotions get the better of me .

“ Zara .”

“I… I…” I swallow the lump in my throat as I consider what to tell her.

Bianca is my best friend in the entire world, and through it all, she has been by my side just like I have with her. She had the courage to tell me the truth about her and Alexei’s marriage, and she would be heartbroken to know that I’ve kept something like this from her.

So, I take a deep breath and let the whole truth come tumbling out because, right now, I need my best friend more than I need to keep this a secret.

Once I’m finished, Bianca is quiet for a moment, and my heart is pounding so hard in my chest I feel as if it might explode.

“Please say something.”

“You made a deal with Dimitri Koslov?”

“It’s too late to tell me what a dumb idea it was,” I remind her.

“I’m more confused about the fact that you’re both faking a relationship that to the outside looks pretty fucking believable. You’re not that good of an actress, Zara.”

“I know,” I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “That’s because I’m an idiot and have completely fallen for him.”

Bianca’s answering squeal on the end of the phone has me rolling my eyes.

“Stop that. This is not a good thing. I don’t even know if he feels the same or if it’s all just part of the act. That’s why I can’t bring myself to tell him about the baby. I don’t want to ruin what we have.”

“Are you blind ? Dimitri is crazy about you. He has been since the first moment he saw you.”

“I don’t know…”

“Even Alexei has noticed a change in Dimitri ever since you announced your engagement. I mean, he refused to go on this work trip to Russia because he didn’t want to leave you while you were feeling sick.”

I blink in surprise.

“Really?” I can’t fight the smile that tugs at my lips at the thought of Dimitri being so sweet.

“Really. He’s turned into a massive softy.” Bianca chuckles.

My heart swells at the thought that it might not all be in my head, that Dimitri might be falling just as hard for me as I am for him.

“I wish you had told me the truth. I hate that you’ve been worrying about this on your own, and now with a baby…”

I shake my head at myself. “I almost did so many times. But I couldn’t risk Alexei finding out. If he knew that Dimitri married me just to get out of this deal with Massimo…”

“We would be planning a funeral right about now.”

“I’m so sorry, B.”

“Don’t be. I mean, this kind of makes us even right?”

“Well, you never actually told me you were getting married…”

“Maybe because I didn’t know it myself, but I guess that’s an insignificant detail.”

I chuckle under my breath.

“I’m glad you told me about all of it.”

“Me too, B.”

I try my best to stay up until Dimitri gets home but after taking a long soak in the bath and managing to eat a small bowl of pasta, my eyelids are so heavy I decide to crawl into bed and wait for Dimitri there.

Though as the sky starts to turn dark, so do my thoughts.

Lying alone in my bed as I stare at the empty spot beside me, I can’t help but picture my life if Dimitri decides to walk away.

How the hell am I meant to manage a demanding career and a newborn? They say a woman can’t have it all, but I don’t want to have to choose.

My thoughts spin around in circles as I lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling.

Eventually, my door opens, filling the room with light, and I glance over to see Dimitri’s broad frame cast in shadow.

“Hey, sleepy girl,” Dimitri murmurs as he crosses over to the bed.

“Hey.” I turn on my side to watch him as he strips out of his shirt and pants until he’s in nothing but his boxers.

Dimitri’s dark eyes search my face, and his eyebrows pull together in a frown as he reaches out to cup my cheek.

“Have you been crying?” His thumb brushes over my cheek.

“What?” I wipe at my face and cringe at the feeling of my damp skin. “Oh, yeah, I guess…”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dimitri’s voice is so rich and soothing, my lip starts to wobble as I fight back tears.

I reach for him, and he instantly climbs into the bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against his chest. I bury my face in the crook of his neck to try and muffle my sobs.

“ Sladkaya zhizn’ , what is it?” He gently strokes my hair.

I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him closer, my throat too thick with emotion to get any words out.

“Is it work? Did Giovanni do something?”

I don’t miss the way his body tenses as he speaks my boss’s name.

“N-no.”

Not yet .

The thought makes my body tense, and Dimitri must feel it as he tightens his hold on me.

“I’ve got you, Zara,” he murmurs against my hair.

I nod, but his words don’t comfort me as much as before.

Dimitri can’t protect me from everything, and I can’t let him put his own life on hold to do so. I don’t want him to resent me for taking him away from his work or his family because of this situation with Giovanni, and now with the baby.

But the thought of doing it all alone scares me to death.

“Sleep, Zara.” He presses a soft kiss to my forehead. “You’re safe.”

For now.

“You’ll enjoy it, Zara,” he purrs in my ear as his fingers fumble with the lace of my panties.

“Don’t.” Tears stream down my face. “Please, stop .”

“It won’t hurt as much if you just lie still.”

“No!” I cry out, doing my best to fight against him, but he’s too strong. He pins my wrists above my head with one hand as the other manages to rip my panties away, leaving me bare .

“I’ll make this good for you, Zara.”

“Stop.” I sob, my entire body trembling as Giovanni thrusts his hips ?—

I jerk awake, bolting upright as my hand flies to my throat. I can’t breathe, my chest tight as my lungs try to fill with air, but I’m sobbing so hard that I can’t.

I can’t breathe ?—

Strong arms are around me, and I cry out, my heart racing even harder.

“Please, stop … Please .” I sob, my arms lashing out as I try to fight him off.

“Zara, sladkaya , it was just a dream.” Dimitri wraps his arms around me, pulling me back against his chest.

“No, no, no.” My head falls back against his shoulder as tears continue to stream down my face.

“Shh…” Dimitri gently rocks me. “It was just a dream.”

My body is drenched in sweat, and I can’t stop shaking as Dimitri holds me, whispering in my ear to try and calm me down.

Focusing on the soft thud of his heart and the warm feeling of his hands on my arms, I try to fight the demons in my head.

I thought I was past the days of waking up in a panic, convinced that I was reliving my nightmare. Ever since Dimitri has been sleeping beside me, I’ve fallen into dreamless sleeps, content to be wrapped up in his arms, knowing that I’m safe.

But I knew the bubble was going to burst eventually. Giovanni will want revenge against Dimitri, and he’ll take it out on me.

“Dimitri.” I sob, turning my head so that I can bury my face against his neck .

“Shh…” He maneuvers me onto his lap, holding me against his chest. “I’m right here.”

“I-I’m so scared.”

“I know, zhizn’ moya , I know.” He kisses my forehead.

“He…he hurt me, Dimitri.”

“Who did, Zara? Zhizn’ , tell me.”

I screw my eyes shut, and he ’s right there. “Giovanni..”

Dimitri curses, his arms tightening around me as he rocks me back and forth.

“I was just an intern, working a summer job during my sophomore year of college and Giovanni was one of the most powerful men at the firm.”

My body is shaking as my mind goes back. “I was the perfect prey. He knew I would be too scared to speak out against him, and he was right. After all, who would believe a naive twenty-year-old? It was his word against mine, and I knew if it came down to picking sides, I would be the one to suffer the consequences.”

“Did you tell anyone there?”

I shake my head. “It would have followed me around for the rest of my career. I would be a walking HR nightmare, so I had to make a choice. And for a while I could convince myself I made the right one. I was almost to a point where my past was starting to feel exactly that, the past.”

Dimitri squeezes me tight against him.

I laugh, an almost maniac sound. “But that would be too good, so, of course, Giovanni Saccone had to walk into the boardroom a few months ago to be announced as one of the new senior partners of Spencer & Meyers , and my new boss.” I shiver. “One look at his face, and I almost vomited right on the conference table.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Everything I worked so hard to leave behind, the feelings I spent hours journaling through, trying to work out what I did wrong, came flooding back in an instant. And he fucking knew it too. Even told me having me working there was what tipped the scale as the perfect bonus.”

“Fuck.”

“I've worked at Spencer & Meyers for two years, and it’s not been an easy road to get here. So, I’ll suck it up and play nice, if only to keep myself from losing everything I’ve worked for. But…”

I shake my head again. Life sure knows how to kick me down.

“Zara.” He buries his face in my sweat-soaked hair as my body shakes with silent sobs. “ Sladkaya , why didn’t you tell me?”

My throat is closing up.

So, Dimitri just holds me, gently stroking my hair, until the tears stop falling and my breathing calms.

“It was all my fault.” I rest my cheek against Dimitri’s heart. “He asked me to come to his house after work hours. We had a project due, and I was just an intern. I wanted to do a good job, I thought I had no choice?—”

Dimitri strokes me cheek.

He’s quiet as I talk, though I know on the inside he must be anything but calm.

“He offered me a drink. I-I should have said no, I knew better…”

“What did he do, Zara?” Dimitri asks. “I know it’s difficult, baby, but I need to know.”

I press my palm against his warm chest and take a deep breath.

“I remember drinking what he gave me.” My body tenses. “The next thing I remember is he’s…he’s… ”

His hand is around my throat, pinning me in place as his other hand makes quick work of pulling my panties down.

I’m too weak to push him off. I try to kick out with my legs, but it’s no use.

He only tightens his grip around my throat, cutting off my air supply.

“Don’t fight me, Zara,” he growls.

My eyes go wide as I realize I can’t take a breath.

My legs fall limp on either side of him, and he smiles, stroking his thumb along my jaw.

“That’s better.”

I screw my eyes shut as he undoes his zipper.

“Don’t.” My face is damp with tears.

“Shh…” His stale breath tickles my cheek as his hand moves to cover my mouth. “Trust me, you’ll enjoy it, Zara.”

“I tried to scream, to push him off of me, but he was too strong. He pinned me down and…and he forced himself on me.”

I bite down hard on my lower lip to try and stop myself from crying, but being wrapped in Dimitri’s strong arms has me breaking down.

“I-I thought I was over it, but then seeing him every day… I can’t escape the memories anymore.”

“ Sladkaya … It’s okay not to be over it. There is no timeline for healing.”

“I just wish it would all go away.”

“I know, zhizn’ moya . What can I do to help?”

I bury my face in his chest. “This helps.”

He tightens his arms around me, and I start to relax as he holds me close. My body’s heavy with exhaustion, but the thought of closing my eyes again makes my breathing race .

Dimitri kisses the top of my head. “It’s okay, Zara. You can sleep. I’m not letting you go.”