Chapter 26

TWENTY-SIX

“ G irl, six weeks left. I don’t know about you, but I am counting the days. This Monday was hard .”

I turned to smile at Jenna Reynolds, one of the other third grade teachers who had the classroom next to mine, as we exited the Monday afternoon staff meeting into the teacher’s lounge. It was four thirty, and I was ready to pick up Sofia, go home, drown my sorrows in tea and chocolate, and continue to ignore Xavier’s calls just like I’d been doing for the last week.

“Me too,” I agreed.

“You have plans for the summer?”

I swallowed. Since Matthew’s bombshell announcement, I’d been wondering the same thing. Nina was currently embroiled in a divorce, so it was safe to say they weren’t getting married anytime soon. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was moving in or he was moving out. I had no clue what to expect for me and Sofia, and I was too afraid to ask. Matthew was still upset over what had happened this weekend. I didn’t want to rock the boat.

“Probably just teach summer school and classes at the Y,” I said, hoping it was true, but also sort of not. “You?”

But before Jenna could reply, my name was called across the room.

Lisa, the front office receptionist, waved at me through the window between the front office and the teacher’s lounge. “These came for you just before the bell rang.”

Jenna and I turned to see a massive bouquet of Easter lilies on Lisa’s desk, their aroma filtering through the window into the lounge.

“Holy smokes!” Jenna squealed. “Those are gorgeous!”

I scowled. I knew exactly who they were from. And if he thought some pretty flowers were going to make up for his deception, he had another think coming.

I plucked the note from the spray and read it.

Like a ripple that chases

The slightest caress of the breeze,

Is that how you want me to follow you?

Xavi

If I knew anything about Xavier Parker, it was that his messages usually had ulterior meanings. Three short lines contained multitudes. If he was planning to follow me, it was because he had something in mind when we met. I was prepared for anything at this point. He could throw every lawyer he had my way. I wasn’t budging.

“Is he cute?” Jenna asked after I was done reading.

I looked up to find her still fawning over the flowers.

“If he sent flower this big, he messed up big-time, didn’t he?” she pressed.

I sighed. “I don’t want to get into it.”

“Oh man. He’s really cute, isn’t he?”

Across the lounge, Adam exited the conference room. When he caught sight of the flowers, he stopped, frowned, then gave a little wave before apparently deciding to come over. He hadn’t requested a second date since our first disastrous one, but I could feel it coming. Especially once he realized Sofia’s dad was out of the picture. Again.

“I’ll tell you more tomorrow,” I said to Jenna as I grabbed the flowers off the desk, eager to escape Adam’s reconciliation. “Right now, I need to go.”

An hour later, after I had picked up Sofia and made her a quick dinner of the stupid cabbage pancake that had become her favorite food (it was not , she informed me, as good as Xavi’s), I sat in the kitchen, staring at the note and the flowers while Sofia watched Doc McStuffins until the front door opened.

“Mattie?” I called. “Is that you?”

“Shower!” he called back as he jogged up the stairs. He must have been on a run.

But I wasn’t to be put off. I’d been staring at these petals and Xavier’s note for what seemed like forever, with no idea how to respond. I needed some brotherly advice.

I swiped the flowers off the counter, followed Matthew upstairs, and knocked on his door.

“You decent?” I called.

“Yeah, come in.”

I walked in and found him stretching on the floor, face still red from exercise and dripping with sweat. His tuxedo was hanging from his closet door, pressed and ready. Shit, I’d forgotten. He had some big event he was attending with Nina tonight. He’d been talking about it since last week, but I’d been too self-absorbed to remember. Bad, bad sister. I wouldn’t blame him if he kicked me out after all.

Matthew took one look at the lilies in my hands and grinned. “Aw, that’s sweet, Fran, but I’m more of a red rose kind of guy, you know.”

“Oh, shut up,” I retorted. “I’m having a personal issue and I need your advice.”

Well, it was out now.

Matthew swiveled to stretch over his opposite leg. “If you don’t like him, send them back. And if you really don’t like him, send me.” He then balanced on his butt and started Russian twists. “So, who’s the new guy?”

I sighed. Maybe it was time to just tell him everything. “Not new. Old. More than four years old, if you know what I mean.”

Matthew paused, twisted toward me. “Xavier?”

Didn’t miss a beat, my brother.

But immediately, the light in his face darkened. After last week’s conversation, Matthew had asked a few times about my interactions with Xavier. I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. It would break his heart that I’d been keeping secrets and hadn’t asked for his help. And it would break Sofia’s heart to realize not everyone thought the world of her beloved Xavi.

Rock, meet hard place.

“Lea told me to call him,” I fibbed. “So I sent an email to his office.”

It was a stupid lie. One that could be checked immediately. But it was the first thing I thought of at the moment.

Matthew sat up completely, slinging his arms over his knees. “Whatever happened at the Christmas party?”

I shook my head, switching my flowers from one hand to the other, bracing myself for the cross-examination. Matthew was a lawyer, after all. Before he got canned, he was actually a prosecutor. “We, um, talked.”

“Not about Sofia, I take it?”

“More the, um, ‘alone’ kind of talking. And then I left. I’ll spare you the details.”

Well, at least that was the truth. For the most part.

Matthew made a face like he’d just bitten into a lemon. “I appreciate that. And you haven’t talked to him since?”

I shrugged. “He doesn’t have my number. He sent a few emails to my work address, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. Until now, apparently.”

Lies, lies, lies.

Why was it so damn hard to tell him the truth?

I knew why. This was my brother.

“Are you thinking you’re going to tell him about Sof?”

His dark eyes, intense and green like mine, bore into me like a drill. I could feel him waiting for me to make a mistake. Say the wrong thing. Need his rescue.

It was what he had always done for me.

The thing was…I wasn’t sure I wanted him to anymore.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I barely know him, Mattie. We had a fling almost five years ago now, and he was with someone else at the time, and then…” All of it was true. So I plunged ahead with a little white lie to round it out. After all, I wasn’t here for confession. I was here for advice. “Anyway, I just said it was nice to see him again. That was it. That was this morning. These arrived while you were out. Plus, this.”

My complex web of lies and truth secure, I handed him Xavi’s card, which he immediately opened and read aloud.

Like a ripple that chases

The slightest caress of the breeze,

Is that how you want me to follow you?

Xavi

Matthew whistled when he was done. “Not subtle, is he?”

“He didn’t write it or anything,” I said. “It’s a famous Japanese poem. I looked it up.”

Also the truth. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Xavi wasn’t much for books, but he knew I was. He knew I’d appreciate a well-placed verse more than most people. And if he had actually taken the time to track this one down…

Matthew handed me the card, then went back to doing crunches. “I don’t know how I feel about reading my little sister’s love letters, Fran.”

“Don’t be a jerk. What does it mean, though?”

“Seems pretty clear to me. He’s asking what you want.”

I huffed. “Which is…”

Matthew rolled over into a plank. “Do you really need me to tell you that?”

“I do when I don’t know!” I cried.

Matthew wasn’t usually this cagey. Most of the time, we were more than happy to give unsolicited advice about each other’s lives. Now it was like he knew I was keeping things back, and he wasn’t going to volunteer any clarity because of it.

“You messaged him, Frankie. Seems like you want to talk to him.”

I made a face. “And say what? Hey, don’t know if you remember me, but thanks for the two one-night stands, they were super fun. Oh, and by the way, I got pregnant that first night and had your baby and never told you.”

I bit my lip. More lies. It had been a month, not two nights. And yeah, I was way past that conversation, though that didn’t stop my anxious mind from reliving it.

I huffed, set the flowers on Matthew’s dresser, and sat on his bed. Matthew just kept moving through another ab exercise like I wasn’t there before finally pausing on his forearms again.

“It seems like he a lot more than remembers you. And he sure as shit seemed to remember you at Christmas.”

“You don’t want to know,” I muttered at the ceiling. He really, really didn’t.

“I thought you were going to have mercy on me with that.”

Was it just me, or did he sound hurt? It wasn’t like he ever wanted details about my sex life. Or maybe it was just that he knew I hadn’t really had one since then.

“I can’t go there again,” I added. “It was bad enough back then. He was engaged, you know.”

“Humph.” He did know. “What about now?”

“Well, in December, he said he was single.” I flopped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. “I wanted to tell him. But I just kept thinking of…”

I drifted off. This wasn’t working. Half-truths and four-month-old versions of this story weren’t getting me anywhere.

“Thinking of what?” Matthew asked from the floor.

“Mom.”

It slipped out before I could stop it. But then I realized it was true.

“What about her?”

When I sat back up, Matthew was back on his heels and turned to give me his full attention. He was in the dark, but my brother still had radar for bullshit. Just like he also knew when something really mattered.

“The way she left after Dad died. I mean, it’s all right that Lea and them are making peace with her. But I remember too. I remember how it feels to have your own parent walk away from you. Like you’re nothing.” I wrapped my arms around my shins and hugged my legs to my chest. “I think you were right, you know, staying away from her. It’s why I don’t let her near Sofia. I don’t want her to break her heart.”

“Yeah, but Sofia doesn’t know Xavier,” Matthew pointed out. “You don’t really either.”

No, I didn’t, but not in the way he thought. For months, I’d believed I was actually getting to know the real Xavier again. Doing right by my kid. Preventing him from blindsiding her like our mother had done to us.

Matthew got up and came to sit next to me on the bed. This was it. He was going to force the truth out of me, like he always did. And then I wouldn’t be the one trying to protect my kid. I’d be the little sister disappointing him and everyone else all over again.

Shit, shit, shit.

But Matthew said the last thing I ever thought I’d hear.

“You know, I’m wondering if we shouldn’t at least try to say hi to Mom next time she calls.”

I gawked at him. “You’re kidding. You want to talk to Mom?”

Matthew rubbed his neck, clearly uncomfortable with the idea. “I don’t know if I want to, per se. But if there’s anything I’ve learned over the last year, it’s that people can change. And something she did ten, twenty years ago…well, it might not be the person she is now. I’m not saying we have to invite her in, or anyone else you don’t want for your own sake and Sofia’s. But, you know, when it comes to Sofia’s dad, maybe you can answer the door. Maybe you can talk on the porch. Have a conversation. You know what I’m saying?”

I sat there for a minute, taking in his words. My brother had nursed a grudge against our mother for more than twenty years. Essentially, since he had been the one to raise us alongside our grandparents. At fourteen, Mattie had grown up way more than he should’ve had to, watched Mom break all our hearts again and again. She’d lied, stolen, neglected us, totally forgotten us at times, all for the love of the bottle.

And here he was, turning the other cheek. Preaching forgiveness?

Color me shocked.

“Yeah,” I said slowly. “Yeah, I see. Something to think about anyway.”

“All right. I wish I had more brotherly advice for you. But I’m tapped out, and now I have to get ready.”

“Say no more.” I jumped up from the bed, not wanting to be any more of a burden. But then I thought of something else. “Hey, Mattie?”

Matthew looked up. He really was handsome, I thought for the first time in a long time. Dark hair, roguish charm. I could see why so many girls liked him. I could see why Nina loved him.

“Yeah?” he asked.

I smiled. I could forgive too. At least for his sake. “You know, I thought about it and I think it’s a good thing, you and Nina, after all. She loves you. Anyone can see that.”

Matthew grinned. “You finally coming around, little sister?”

“I think it’s good for you, too,” I told him as I grabbed the flowers and walked to the door. “I see how you love her. How you talk about her daughter.”

My heart squeezed when I thought about Matthew around someone else’s little girl. I couldn’t lie. Sometimes, it made me a little jealous. We were his family. Sofia and me.

Weren’t we?

“Soon you’ll have a real family to protect,” I said quietly. “Not just me and the others. We’re all grown. You need a family of your own. I’m glad you’re getting one.”

As sad as it was, I meant every word. Even though I knew it meant I’d have to patch my own little family together at last. Whatever that looked like.

Matthew’s smile widened. At least I had that.

“Thanks, Fran,” he said as he got up from the bed, already grabbing a towel off a hook on the wall.

“Have fun at the ball, Cinderella,” I teased as I left, though the levity didn’t quite reach my heart.

Because at that moment, I knew Matthew was right.

I also knew what I had to do.