Chapter 14

By the time Benji got to Sunday he was about to lose his damn mind.

Sterling had been by twice on Saturday, and then he'd come by Sunday morning early so he could doctor Flora's hock before they left for the train ride at nine.

There had never been any request for food or water or a kiss or even friendship, for God's sake. Benji had to admit that satisfied something deep down inside him.

Maybe he wasn't a bad father.

Sterling wasn't a bad guy. Pushy, yes. Aggravating, sometimes. Absolutely unaware of how much things cost or how much privilege he had that was still up for grabs? Yep.

That he knew without a shadow of a doubt, because somehow they were sitting in a first-class car all by themselves with two attendants.

Two.

Seriously, on a Sunday. They had their own private train car, he had a blanket over his lap, he had hot cocoa in his hand, and they were heading on a single-track train up into the mountains.

All of this, and Sterling had never even asked to hold Xavi again.

He couldn't even imagine how much this had to have cost. It wasn't as if he was poor—he wasn't, but he did have to pay attention.

He had diapers, daycare, feed, his mortgage. All the little things that someone who had a private jet simply didn't have to worry about.

Sterling's horses had security guards for God's sake.

Still, there was a weird innocence about the whole thing. Benji never felt as if Sterling was trying to lord something over him or buy him.

No, in fact, it felt as if Sterling wanted to spoil him.

That was even more dangerous than being a snob.

Benji really wanted to talk to Sierra.

He wanted to talk to her and find out if there had been a reason for her to leave. Had someone been mean to her? Were the parents evil? Neglectful? Had she been kidnapped? Was she frightened?

He'd never seen her frightened at any time. Not even in Afghanistan. Not once. He couldn't imagine that a normal person could frighten Sierra, but Sterling wasn't a normal person.

But instead of talking to him, she'd blocked him.

Ghosted him as if friendship and Xavi meant nothing.

And so he didn't know who to talk to. He had friends. He had the people he worked with. He had his mom. But he wasn't sure how to ask if falling in love with someone with more money than God was reasonable.

No, wait.

Was falling in love with someone related to his adopted son with more money than God reasonable?

That was better.

Christ on a cracker.

Was all parenting this hard?

Did it get harder?

Just the thought of that made him wanna barf.

"Ben? Honey? Where'd you go?" Sterling stared at him like he'd grown an extra head, the want line between his eyebrows growing deeper.

"Sorry. Sorry." He shook his head as if to clear it. "Woolgathering. I was thinking how spoiled I am. This is amazing. Thank you so much."

"I've never been on a train like this. I thought it sounded like so much fun…" Sterling's cheeks went the barest bit pink, and all of a sudden it occurred to Benji that maybe Sterling wasn't as sophisticated as all that. Maybe Sterling was as nervous as he was.

That made him feel a bit better.

"I can't believe how deep the snow is up here still," he offered over. It was the least he could do.

"I know this is way closer to Aspen than it is down in Durango." Was that a wistful note in Sterling's voice?

"Do you miss it?" Benji wasn't one hundred percent sure why Sterling was still here, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. It unnerved him a little bit, to be honest, that he was so willing to let things be what they were.

"Yeah a little bit. Who am I kidding? I miss home a lot." Sterling scoffed, and the sound was oddly young.

"So…I don't understand. Why are you still here?"

Sterling's shoulders climbed up toward his ears. "I told you, I wanna make this up to you. I want to spend time with you. I want to spend time with Xavi. I—" He stopped. "I felt something with you."

Christ, what was he supposed to say to that?

He couldn't blow it off; he knew better.

Benji stared at Sterling. Really looked.

The man was beautiful—rugged and tan with a jawbone that could cut glass. Benji wanted to lean forward, beg a kiss, and he knew Sterling would give it to him.

Jesus, this whole thing was ridiculous.

Two weeks.

He'd known this man for two weeks and a day. They'd made love once, that was it, and somehow in two weeks they had managed to form a relationship, to have an affair-ending fight.

Had they turned into lesbians somehow?

The joke had him cackling inside, but he didn't let it out, because the sound might balloon up into hysteria.

What on earth was wrong with him?

Well, Benjamin Patrick Collier, you are a fool. Trust that little voice in his head to be a downer.

Sterling tilted his head, the worry lines in his forehead deepening, and he wanted to stroke them, smooth them away with one finger.

Lord, maybe he was a fool, but there was something in those bright blue eyes…something vulnerable, something that made Benji believe that there was more than goodwill there. There was an honest humanity in Sterling that called to him.

He supposed at some point he had to let go and trust in his own heart.

He reached out across the tiny table separating the seats, not even glancing at the attendants who had to be watching and took Sterling's hand. "You weren't the only one who felt something. After all, I did let you spend the night."

The tension in Sterling's face disappeared and was replaced by a smile that reminded him of the sun coming out after a hard rain. "Yeah, but that was because of the ice storm."

"Sure, but only the first time. I was going to let you spend the night—" Benji stopped as the blush set his cheeks on fire. He rolled his eyes at himself. He was a goddamn adult, and he could talk about making love. "I was going to let you spend the night when you had to leave all of a sudden." He stopped, frowning. "Hey, why did you have to leave all of a sudden?"

Sterling sort of slumped a bit in the cushions. The change in the windstorm that was Sterling was unexpected, but it only took a heartbeat before he straightened, coming at Benji with this wicked, pirate-type of smile. "Are you sure you want to know?"

Nope. "I'm not sure, but I think I'd better. No more secrets. This is a hard limit these days."

"Fair enough." Sterling shook his head, the expression hangdog. "I have this—" He huffed out a hard, embarrassed breath. "There's a television show… a reality show… They want me to be on it, and they won't leave me alone. They followed my plane here."

"Your plane." Benji still couldn't quite imagine having his own plane, much less a television show stalking him. "Are you serious?"

"Dead serious. They are relentless. The show, not the plane. The plane and pilot are both safe as houses." Sterling's pink cheeks gave the cowboy's discomfort away. "Anyway, they showed up, and I had to go because I didn't want them to find me. I didn't want them to find you, and I sure didn't want them bothering Xavi."

Weirdly that might have been the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him.

Wow.

"I know it's ridiculous. Embarrassing, but that is one of the things that I have to deal with, being a Jordan."

"Well, I suppose I sort of know what it's like. I mean, my mom's a school teacher, so everybody in town knows that I'm Mrs. Collier's son…" Benji went for light and joking, because what else could he do? He was beginning to feel as if he were living in some sort of a fever dream colored with a dose of a strange alternate reality that simply didn't make sense. People like him never came in contact with people like Sterling, and they sure didn't have a weird relationship.

Were they having a relationship?

Benji thought they might be having a relationship.

Oh God.

"What are you thinking about so hard?"

"Us?" he blurted out. "Do you normally go slumming when you date?"

"What?"

Oh, that wasn't well put, was it? "I'm sorry. I feel so far out of my league that it isn't funny."

"You're not. I mean, shit, I was a rodeo guy, Ben. Seriously, I didn't have to live out of my truck, but I was a hand job-in-the-hotel-room type." Sterling glanced at Xavi, his eyes going huge. "Oh fuck, I said hand job in front of the baby." He blinked. "And I said fuck too."

"Twice." Benji cracked up. God, Sterling made him laugh. "It's okay. He's not listening. He's watching the trees."

"Still, I'm sorry. So are you worried? I'm not. Not about the money part." Sterling sounded so concerned about this whole thing, and it was charming as all get-out.

Benji didn't quite know how to tell Sterling the answer to that question because it was partly yes and mostly no. Part of him—a huge part—wondered if maybe he shouldn't just enjoy it. Take this and run, have a little bit of fun for a couple of weeks with a billionaire. What could that hurt?

Then he reminded himself that it was only a week ago when he was insisting that he was never ever ever going to ever have sex again, or trust again, or have a relationship until his son was grown. Jesus, he was a flake.

When did that happen?

Benji had always considered himself a bit like a dog—smart enough, fiercely loyal, incredibly simple.

He was actually a flake.

"Benji? Honey?" Sterling squeezed his fingers enough to bring him out of Anxiety Land and into the real world.

"Sorry." He shook his head. "I have to tell you, I was… I swore that I wasn't going to do this. What we did, how we started? This is not a healthy relationship basis. I have a son. What if you—? You could take him away from me. You have more money than God."

"Wait." The word snapped out, and Sterling shook his head. Benji could see it, how this man could command a room, convince people to invest money, possibly offer over their souls. "No matter what, Ben, I would never take this baby from you. I can see how you love him. It shines from you like a beacon. That boy is your son, and there's no question you're his dad. I would never take him away from you, deny either of you that love.

"I admit—I admit that when I came here, trying to get you to give me custody was in my head. I understand that was a stupid idea. It was ridiculous. Why would I do that?" Sterling glanced up at the ceiling like he was searching for God. "I have this urge to reclaim something of Sierra. I thought that seeing the baby would help me feel close to her. Ben, I swear to you, I miss her like a sore tooth." The pain in Sterling's voice was palpable, and the tears in his eyes were real. "I—we were so close when we were kids, and I don't understand why we're not close now. It hurts me, and I thought this was a part of her that I could hold. I'm not stupid, though. I can see Xavi is not a part of her. Xavi is your son."

Benji sat with that for minute, and he had to organize his thoughts before he spoke because this felt very important. "I don't know what to tell you about Sierra. I wish I did, but I will tell you that you were right. This was never ever going to be a situation wherein Sierra was going to keep the baby. Xavi wouldn't have been born if she hadn't known me."

"I hear you. I wanted you to know where I was coming from." Sterling seemed ashamed, embarrassed, and Benji felt for him. "I was wrong. It was arrogant and coming from a place of pure selfishness. I'm— I will do better."

Benji squeezed Sterling's fingers. "I believe you. Even if it's silly I believe you, and right now we're on a train." He found a smile, because it was true. He needed to take all this in. "We're alone, having Xavi's first train trip in first class, and I don't think there's near enough pictures being taken."

Sterling laughed, the sound merry and free, like it had been that night at the escape room. Not only that, it was way less rusty this time. "Well, let get me get my camera out, and I will start taking pictures. Selfie, ahoy."

And that was exactly what they did.