Chapter 11

"Thanks for covering for me this afternoon, Niecy." Benji had a lunch invitation from Sterling, and he was hoping to work that into a little afternoon delight.

God knew the first one had been so good.

"Oh, I'm dying to hear about your date. I can't believe a stranger blows into town and you meet him."

Benji shrugged and grinned. "It was like fate. Seriously. I saved him from an ice storm, and we got to be friends."

And if he didn't know so very much about Sterling? Well, he'd ride big, dark, and bashful into information.

"That's so crazy." Niecy laughed. "Far be it from me to stand between you and a little fun. You said he was staying with a cousin?"

"Yeah. I hope I'll get to meet him. Sterling's handsome as all get-out. Jawline to die for."

"You said he was a cowboy. I'm picturing those guys you see at the rodeo. Or on Yellowstone…"

"Yeah. Yeah, just like. I hope you?—"

She grabbed his arm and squeezed. "That has to be him. God, Benji, he's blistering!"

He turned to face the door, and sure enough, Sterling was rolling in like a Shepler's western wear commercial. And yeah. He was blistering.

"I know, right?" And he was going to take Sterling home.

Sterling came up to the desk and gave him a smile. "Hey, there. You ready to go?"

"I am. This is Niecy. She's covering for me."

"Well, thank you, ma'am. I'm looking forward to taking this man to lunch."

"I bet you are. He's a sweetheart. Be nice to him." Niecy winked at him. "Talk to you in the morning."

"Yes, ma'am." He gathered his backpack, finding a smile for Sterling. "Is it okay if we stop and feed Xavi his lunch?"

"Absolutely." Sterling held the door for him. "Is he at daycare?" They headed out to Sterling's truck. It wasn't as fancy as the rental, but it was solid.

"He is. Right over there, actually." He pointed to Abuelita's. The building wasn't fancy, but it was the place he'd stayed, it was close, and he and his mom knew all four of the women who worked there. Juana ran the place with a loving hand, and it was clean enough to eat off every surface.

Sterling's eyebrows went up almost to his hairline. "That's where he goes to daycare?"

"Yeah. It's close, clean. I went there when I was a kid. Come on in." They headed across the parking lot, and he opened the door. "Juana, I'm here to feed my son!"

"Ah, Benjamín. So good to see you." She came over for a kiss. "Who is your friend?"

"This is Sterling. Sterling, Juana. Sterling is taking me to lunch."

"Nice!"

"Pleasure to meet you, ma'am." Sterling glanced around curiously. He shook hands with Juana, who smiled wide.

"Bienvenidos. Xavi is over in the nap area."

"Thank you. I'll feed him real quick." He nodded to Sterling. "Wanna come? There are rocking chairs."

"Sure." Sterling grinned. "It smells like kids."

"Like fee fi fo fum?"

"No. Like milk and diapers. Not a bad smell. Just, you know, what it is."

"Yeah. Juana was the first person besides my mom and dad to hold me. Pretty cool, huh?" He couldn't remember a time he didn't feel safe with her.

"Definitely." Sterling sat, watching him get Xavi out of his little baby seat so he could feed him the bottle Juana handed him.

Xavi cooed and kicked. His son was obviously in a joyous mood. Xavi knew Daddy in the noon hour meant a full belly.

When he glanced at Sterling again, the man was smiling at them, seeming way happier than he had when they'd first walked in. He guessed Juana's didn't seem like much on the outside, but it was clear the kids were happy in there. It was a good place for babies to be babies, to be coddled and loved, and periodically fed guacamole. Possibly menudo.

"Hey, buddy. You hungry?" He put the nipple to his son's lips. This was one of those rituals his muscles would never forget. It was ingrained in him now. And he loved every second.

"You couldn't look more happy." Sterling smiled at him, the expression warm and pleased.

"I am. I love this. I mean, I like my job, I adore my critters. But this guy is my world."

"I can tell. I'm glad, honey."

"Thanks." He hoped he was doing a good job. Benji wanted to be an amazing dad.

Just as good as his had been.

Maybe better.

He grinned at Xavi, chuckling as his boy tried to figure out how to hold the bottle himself. Soon enough he probably would be doing that, and then where would he be? Relegated to fixing those bottles…

"He's so smart," Juana said. She had a baby in her arms now, walking up and down the aisle between the nap area and the play area. "Just like you were, huh?"

"I wish. This baby is ten thousand times more brilliant than I ever was."

Juana snorted, and Sterling shook his head. "Aw now, honey, I don't believe that. You're pretty amazing."

"See? He knows," Juana said.

"Yeah, yeah." He watched his boy suck down his lunch in a real hurry. He was gonna burp like a giant Tupperware container. "You are a hungry boy today, aren't you?"

He grabbed a burp rag and put Xavi over his shoulder. "We won't be long, Sterling."

"Not in any hurry, honey." Sterling rocked a little. "I like this chair."

"There's a man in town who makes them," Juana told him. "They're so good for the baby rocking."

"I bet."

He had to grin at that damn manly cowboy sitting in this brightly painted nursery talking baby rockers with his old auntie lady.

"I'm thinking about getting myself one. They're expensive, but they last a lifetime." And he could leave it to Xavi.

"It's a good investment. Where are you going for lunch?" Juana bounced the baby in her arms.

Sterling raised an eyebrow at him.

"I thought we'd go to the Animas."

"Ah, nice. They have good beer."

"Abue! Listen to you. Beer? I know you've never had a beer." He went wide-eyed.

"What?" She blinked. "I love Dos Equis."

"That's not beer," Sterling teased. "That's bread in a bottle."

"No, that's Guiness," Benji put in. They all grinned at each other. "Anyway, they have great burgers and those yummy weird Reuben nachos."

"Si. So good but so strange." Juana chuckled. "My cousin has a Mexican restaurant if you ever want a burrito, Sterling."

"Oh? I love a burrito. I love Mexican food of all sorts. You'll have to give me the name."

"Benjamín knows. Ask him."

"I will. Thanks." Sterling winked at him.

Xavi burped, long and loud, and they all laughed again.

"I'll take him, Benji." That was Juana's niece, Amalia. "He'll be ready to actually go down for his nap now."

"Yeah, he was waiting on me. I'll have my cell."

"Si, si, we'll call if we need you."

God, he hoped not. He was still praying for that nooner.

Sterling stood, nodding at the ladies. "Nice to meet all of you."

"Por supesto!" They waved and smiled at Sterling, and Benji got it. Sterling was hot.

One warm hand landed on the small of his back as Sterling followed him out the door. "They're nice ladies."

"They are. I trust them." He must. He left his boy with them every day he was at work.

"I can see that. And it is a nice little place."

He glanced at Sterling, trying to figure out what he wasn't saying. There was something, a hint of weirdness in his tone.

"So, I guess we're going to talk about whatever you need to talk about, hmm?" Might as well be honest.

"Yeah." Sterling was the one to give a sideways glance now. "Let's go sit at the restaurant, huh? I don't want you to be able to run on me."

Oh, shit. "Look, if you're having regrets about?—"

"No." Sterling opened the truck door for him. "No regrets about what happened with us. Not a single one. I think you're special, Ben. Don't doubt that." Sterling got them in and moving, letting him give quiet directions to the brewpub while he mulled over what Sterling wanted to tell him.

It was a little uncomfortable really, feeling like he was missing something, like he was off-balance.

"Sorry." Sterling parked at the restaurant. "Now everything seems strained, huh? But it's important. Trust me on that."

"Sure. I have the afternoon. I can be patient." Although he didn't want to be.

"Thanks." Sterling's smile didn't make it to his eyes. "Come on, honey. I am actually hungry."

"Yeah. I skipped breakfast." He normally did. He was a coffee and quick doughnut if they had them type.

"So did I." Sterling chuckled. "I mean, I had coffee."

"Life doesn't happen before coffee. That is a simple fact of life."

"No shit on that." They got seated and the host handed them their menus. Then it was just them.

He ordered a club sandwich and an iced tea. He needed something that would be easy on his belly. Sterling got a burger and fries and a beer.

They stared at each other until he blew out a breath.

"Just spill it, huh? I'm gonna barf if you keep the gunslinger stare on me."

Sterling blinked, eyes going wide. "Gunslinger?"

"You give nothing away."

"Okay. Here goes the Band-Aid. I'm Sierra's brother."

He blinked.

Okay, of all the shit he had expected to hear—I'm married. I have cancer. I am a serial killer. I ate my twin in the womb. I'm an actor pretending to be a cowboy. —that wasn't on the list.

Ice formed in his belly for a second, but it was replaced damn near immediately by pure fury. "Say what? I send her pics of the baby every week. Does she not think I'm taking care of him?"

"No. No, she never told me about you or Xavi." Sterling grimaced, holding up his hands. "This is like an onion, honey. There are lots of layers." Those blue eyes burned as Sterling stared at him.

"She didn't tell me she had a brother." He picked up his phone, took a picture of Sterling, and sent it to Sierra, with, this belong to you>.

"Yeah. She doesn't talk to me."

WTF!> came back faster than she'd ever answered.

Who is this?>

My baby brother. What does he want?>

Dunno> "She wants to know what you want. So do I."

"Well, that's complicated." Sterling's lips curved, but it wasn't a smile, not at all. "I thought I wanted to come down here and somehow get you to turn Xavi over to me."

Ice water filled his veins again, and he damn near gagged, but he kept a straight face. "Not a thing. All the paperwork is legal and binding. He's my son, signed, sealed, delivered."

"I know." Sterling shrugged. "I'm used to getting my way, so I thought I would talk to you in person." He blew out a sigh. "But then I met you on the side of the road in an ice storm."

"You did. Why…why didn't you…" He stopped as his tea arrived. He'd had sex—great sex—with a guy who wanted to what? Steal his son?

"Because I didn't know what the hell to say to you. Hey, I really dig you, but I came down here to be a dick." Sterling shook his head. "And I'm not a dick, I don't think. I mean, I still can't figure out why Sierra would do all this."

"Why don't you ask her?" She'd never even mentioned family more than they didn't speak. No hint of anything nasty.

"I've tried, but she doesn't take my calls. She just—left one day." Sterling rubbed a hand over his face. "I miss her, to tell the truth. And I couldn't understand why she would give her son to a stranger if she didn't want him."

"She got a job in Alaska. She didn't want to be a mom. The biological father didn't have any interest either. She knew I wanted a family. End of story." He wasn't hungry anymore. He just wanted to go back to work. "I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"Benji, listen to me for a minute, okay? Please?" Sterling reached across the table, but he moved his hand out of the way.

"Sure." Listen to what? How he was an idiot?

"I met you, and I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to get to know you. I wanted you. I get it. You're a genuinely good man, and you love that baby. I felt like a total skeeze, and it won't make any difference, but I've never outright lied to you. I drew the line at that."

"But why are you here now? Why did you stay? Why didn't you leave Monday last week?"

Lies of omission were still lies.

"Because of you. My head of security, who does happen to be a cousin by marriage, tried to get me to go home, but—I mean, yeah, Xavi plays into it, but I didn't want to leave without taking the chance to get to know you. And I tried to tell you more than once, but I was worried."

Jesus, what did he even say to that?

All he could do was sit there and blink like an idiot. He'd thought that they were…that this was…

He was into Sterling.

"So, are you a Giordano like Sierra?"

"I'm a Jordan, yeah. Blair is my middle name. My mom's maiden name." Sterling watched him kind of like a blue-eyed hawk. "I owe you an apology, Benji. I should have come clean right away, but I worried you'd be so pissed you'd never see me again."

"Because you wanted to meet Xavi? You could have just asked. How much vacation time do you fucking have?"

"I pretty much make my own schedule, honey."

"I'm not sure you should call me that."

Sterling's mouth flattened into a tight line, but he nodded. "Okay. Benji. How much did Sierra tell you about her family?"

"Pretty much diddly." He checked his phone, but Sierra was sure not hitting him up. "I didn't know you existed."

"Yeah. See, this is why I thought you were a complete stranger that she'd met through an agency or something."

"No. We were battle buddies in Afghanistan. She was one of the guards for the med pool. We spent a lot of time playing cards on break."

Sterling grinned. "She loved crazy eights when we were kids."

"And she learned pinochle in the Army."

"I can see that. It's a complicated game. It would appeal to her math brain."

"Yeah." He shook his head. "I would have been willing to meet with you."

"I figured that out, but it's not only about Xavi, honey. Ben. It's about you. I like you. And you make me hot enough to melt my underwear."

"I want to like you too. I mean, I want to…I wanted to get to—" He sighed softly and shook his head. "I am developing the worst headache. Why won't Sierra talk to you?"

"Hell if I know. Because she and I never fought. And she's older than me, but I can't say we grew up in different parental eras or anything, I don't think." Sterling chewed his lower lip. "I know she felt stifled. We're— well, shit, Ben. We have a lot of money. I own a ranch outfit up by Aspen. We do cutting horses and reining horses. I told you how there was money there. I think she has an eat-the-rich thing."

Well, there was no lie there. She was very much the burn-the-wealthy-for-the-fat-to-light-the-skies.

"Anyway, I know it's shitty, maybe, but I worry about her. So I keep tabs on her." Sterling's cheeks went a little pink under his tan.

"And by extension, on me. How much did you know about me before you met me?"

Sterling didn't hesitate, which at least meant he might be telling the truth now. "That you're a nurse. That you were in the Army. That you'd adopted Xavi with full rights and no visitation. And that you owned your house. Public record stuff."

Benji huffed out a breath. "You could have just…Jesus, I didn't even know your real name when I?—"

He'd had sex with a practical stranger with his son in the house. What was wrong with him? How had he let himself be so stupid?

He didn't even know what to think.

Sterling sat very still, watching him struggle. He got the distinct feeling that it was because Sterling didn't know what to say. Then he drew in another deep breath.

"I know. I'm usually not so damn nuts, Ben. I swear. I mean, you have no reason to believe that, but it's true."

"Well, what do you want now? I mean, what is your endgame?" Benji assumed Sterling had to go home to his big ranch soon and do whatever he did.

"I don't know." Their food came, and Sterling stared at it as if he was surprised to see it. "I— I'll be honest, and say I want to get to know you. And Xavi. But I would want to be around for you even if Xavi wasn't here."

"Honest is good." He sipped his tea and tried to stay calm and easy. "How long are you in town? I assume I was the family business you had."

"Yes." Sterling grabbed a fry, dipping it in the ranch he'd gotten on the side. "I have an Airbnb for as long as I need it. And a truck."

"It's got to be costing you a fortune to rent a truck." Aspen was only a four-hour drive. Why bother to rent a truck?

"I bought it. So it'll go home with me. I got a good deal."

"Oh, cool." Must be nice to be able to have two trucks. Of course, there was only one of him. He didn't need two.

And his was yellow. He loved the idea of Xavi remembering that they had a yellow pickup.

Please God, forgive me for full-on stupidity. I'll never think about what my prick wants over what my son needs. Not ever again. Please don't let this guy sue me for custody because I'm a bad father. I have learned my lesson, I swear. Amen.

"So, if I stick around town for a bit will you see me again?" Sterling asked, his voice giving away the slightest tremor.

No. No way. Still, he hated being the bad guy, hated being that person who was to blame for everything. God, his head hurt.

Benji didn't have the foggiest idea what to do next. He didn't have his truck here, he wasn't hungry, and he wanted to take his son home and lock the door. This was the middle of the lunch rush, and he knew these people.

He helped take care of their children, for fuck's sake.

Even if he called an Uber, someone would talk.

"I'm sorry, Ben." Sterling stared at his plate like it was fascinating. "Let me get you a box, huh?"

"Guess we should have had our heart-to-heart before we ordered." This was not how he'd imagined this afternoon to go.

At all.

At least Xavi was at the daycare. He would never be able to sleep with someone in his house leaving his baby at risk again.

Never again.

"We should have had this discussion at your house, but we got interrupted." Sterling waved down the server. "Can we get two boxes, please?"

"Sure thing."

"Benji, I?—"

"No. Not now. Not here. This is my home, and I have a job. We can chat on the way back to my truck." He didn't feel like being reasonable. He felt like protecting what little bit of self-respect he had left and there wasn't a whole hell of a lot of that. Benji tried very hard to keep his temper, and he was holding on by his toenails. "If you want to talk, we talk in the truck."

"That's fair. I just feel so?—"

"No, you don't get to feel anything. You get to sit here and wait until our boxes come, and then we pay and we go and we talk in the truck." This wasn't a discussion. This wasn't a situation wherein Sterling got a vote. This was his turn, and he was ready to get the fuck out of Dodge.

There must have been something in his voice that Sterling understood, because although those eyes flashed at him. Sterling had the good sense to keep his mouth shut.

And shut it stayed until the waitress came back with the boxes. Sterling handed her a credit card, and Benji didn't argue one bit. He'd be damned if he was going to pay for food he wasn't gonna eat. Not after having been lied to and fucked over.

He managed to hold his temper all the way out of the restaurant.

All the way through the parking lot.

All the way into the truck where he shut the door and waited for Sterling to get in and start the engine.

"Okay, let it rip."

Even now, even in this argument that they were fixin' to have, Sterling seemed to think that it was okay to just tell him what was going to happen? How this was going to go?

He was silent until Sterling started. Driving and got off onto the road safely. "I cannot believe you stayed in my house. And I'm not talking about the storm. I'm talking about how you came to my house, we got it on and you didn't tell me. You didn't even mention your real last name, much less the whole part about ‘I want to steal your son'. You didn't mention the part of ‘oh, you know, I was hunting for you. I was out here looking for you. I found you'. Were you out of your mind? I don't even understand. What is it that you thought you were going to get out of this?"

"I wanted to see Sierra's baby."

"It's not fucking Sierra's baby," he snapped." That baby is mine. Lock, stock and barrel, signed, sealed, delivered legally all the way. There is not a fucking thing you can do. That baby is mine. Are we clear? Xavi is my son. Sierra is not in the picture."

He wasn't sure that Sierra was ever going to be in the picture again. "She wasn't interested in being a mom. I was interested in being a parent."

"I know. I'm sorry. I fucked up. I don't even have anything better than that. I fucked up and…the worst thing is, is I didn't… I didn't kiss you… I didn't make love to you because of Xavi or Sierra. I wasn't thinking about any of that. I was thinking about you."

"If you'd been thinking about me, you wouldn't have lied to me."

Sterling had been thinking about himself and about what he wanted. What was best for him, and what was best for his family. Not what was best for Benji or Xavi.

And that was the thing, wasn't it? He believed that Sterling hadn't been thinking about Sierra or Xavi, but he also knew that Sterling hadn't been thinking about him.

"All I can do is apologize."

"Apologies are just words. That's not good enough." And that was that, wasn't it? Sterling could say sorry over and over and over again until the end of time and it didn't fucking matter, if the actions didn't back it all up.

"So what is good enough?"

He glanced over at Sterling, took a deep breath and tilted his head. "That's not my job -- to figure out what's good enough to apologize. That's not my responsibility. Guess what, Mr. Sterling? That's on you. You figure out what's good enough, you figure out how to make this right, and then you do it if it's possible. You don't get to put that on me. I didn't do anything wrong."

Sterling's lips tightened, and those cheeks got deep dark red, but instead of snapping back. Benji got a nod. "All right. Fair enough."

They finished the ride with an excruciating sort of politeness, Benji clutching his box in his lap. He just had to hold on for another few minutes. He would spend his afternoon off with his son.

When they were parked in front of the office, Sterling turned to him, then held out a hand. "Hi. I'm Sterling Jordan."

He sat in shock for a minute, then he took a deep breath.

"Ben." He shook Sterling's hand, nodded once. "Thank you for lunch. Have a good one, man. Be careful out there on the road. Looks like rain."