Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Callie

We've looked everywhere for Beau, in all his favourite spots, and called all his friends. Nothing. They say a mother knows if her child is okay, like a sixth sense, but I feel nothing. I'm just empty inside. A horrible feeling of dread keeps washing over me. Everyone is out searching, and I feel useless sitting here trying to explain Beau to these officers who don't know him. He is just another face to them, but to me, he's my everything. He is the reason I try so damn hard every day to be a better person, and without him, I'm nothing. They try to reassure me they'll do everything they can.

Jaynie flies through the door and tells me she got a signal from his phone when he must have turned it on to make a call. It's some "find my phone" app the kids use these days when they lose their phones.

I grab my keys and follow her out to my car. Her friend, who was helping her search for Beau, gives her a wave and drives away. She programs the address of his last known whereabouts into my GPS. It's a small park close to the cemetery where my brother and Amelia are buried. She says she already looked there, but maybe she missed him. There really isn't much close by besides a train station and the park.

As we drive in silence, I hold back my tears. Where's my boy? What's going through his head? If only his father and I had listened to him more, maybe he wouldn't feel so alone. Jaynie's nervous leg-tapping is echoing through my brain as we slowly pull up in front of the park. We decide to split up—I'll take the park and she'll look at the train station.

As I wander through the park, I see kids playing on swings, all happy without a care in the world. I don't have good memories of my son at that age, and I'm sure as hell not ready to lose him now. I approach a few mothers and ask if they've seen a teenage boy fitting Beau's description. One thinks she may have seen him about forty-five minutes ago, on his phone while sitting at the little bench over by the big pine tree.

As I head towards the main road that separates the park from the train station, I see them both, Jaynie and my Beau—he waves at me. When Jaynie steps off the curb, I see the car... and so has Beau.

"Jaynie!" I call out and rush towards them. It all happens so fast, tyres screech, and Beau is on the ground.

"BEAU!" I scream and run to his side. He's lying there—still—and the amount of blood makes me dizzy. Everything around me goes in and out of focus.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see the car," Jaynie says.

I can hear someone on the phone to triple zero.

He was just standing there; he waved to me, how is this possible?

I try to stand up, but I feel a hand on my shoulder, and someone tells me to stay where I am—I must be in shock. I need to be with my son, and I'm not sure if I say it or just think it. Everything seems halfway between reality and a bad dream you want to wake up from.

September 26 th , 2009

As I slowly come to, I notice my surroundings and the regular beeping noise. Why am I in a hospital bed? I must be dreaming. As I open my eyes and see the room is empty, I pull the wires from my body and get myself out of bed. I do a once over of my body and notice I have gauze taped to my wrist and a killer headache. The machines make an awful noise and a few nurses come rushing to my room.

"Miss Dean, please hop back into the bed," one of the nurses demands.

"I need to go," I say, trying to find my clothes.

"You can't leave," says the man in a white coat entering the room.

"I have a son, he needs me," I cry.

"Honey, do you remember what happened?" the older lady asks.

"Of course, I do. Billy died, and it's all my fault, and that bitch just wouldn't let me die," I seethe. Why wouldn't she just let me die?

"You're under suicide watch and Sasha has filled us in on what happened. Your sister would like to see you before we move you."

"I don't have anything to say to any of them," I say. "I want to leave—let me leave," I beg.

"We can't do that," the man says.

"I can," I say, trying to push my way through the doors. An alarm sounds and a few more men in white lab coats run our way. There's a sharp jab and I feel drowsy. I'm laid back on the bed and the lights in the room keep spinning.

"I want to leave," I say, sitting up and looking around. The room is empty, and I'm still dressed in my clothes.

As I realise where I am, I rush from the room—I need to see Beau. My heart sinks and I feel the blood drain from my face. My son could be... I don't even want to think it. Where is everyone? I navigate my way around and can hear people talking as I enter what looks to be a waiting room. That's when I see my family, Mickki, and the other guys from Black Diamond in the corner—but no Eddie. My sister is the first to see me rushing towards her.

"Where's Beau? Please tell me he's okay?" I gasp.

Dane stands, along with his wife. "He's in surgery and the doctors won't tell us anything else. Brad's trying to find out more for me now."

"Great, that piece of crap is acting like a damn hero." I've never kept my hatred for that man a secret, but right now I need someone to take my anger out on, and he's a perfect target.

"He isn't that bad," Dane says, standing up for his friend. "He's been a good friend to me over the years, especially when..."

"Especially when what? When I was a junkie, when I got my brother killed, or when I tried to kill myself? Have you ever asked yourself if he was acting out of guilt?"

"Guilt?" he questions.

"Never mind, I'm sorry. I'm just scared." He puts his hand on my shoulder as an offer of comfort. I turn and see Eddie standing in the doorway.

"I went back to your room, and you were gone. You scared the shit out of me," he says, taking a few strides towards me and pulling me into his arms. Instantly, I melt into his body and cry.

"It's going to be okay," he soothes, stroking my hair.

"It has to be, Eddie. It has to be."

"I know. I found a doctor, and he said Beau is almost out of surgery. His doctor will be here as soon as he's finished."

"Thank you," I whisper into his chest.

The room fades away as I listen to the beating from his chest. It's just me and him standing here, and he doesn't let go. He just stands there, gently stroking my hair and telling me everything will be okay. My baby's in there somewhere alone—I can't accept everything will be okay yet.

I don't know how long we've been standing here, but Eddie whispers in my ear, "The doctor's here."

I don't want to look at him and see that look, the one which is trying to work out how he will tell a complete stranger their loved one didn't make it. I'm not strong enough.

"Mr and Mrs Hart?"

"Over here," Dane says, and I can't find the strength to say I'm his mum.

"This is his mum," Eddie says for me.

I wait for the doctor to speak, for the dip in his tone, any giveaway of what he's about to say.

"Beau is out of surgery and is in recovery now. He's one lucky young man and should be fine. But if I could speak to his parents alone when he goes back to his room, please. The nurse will let you know when he'll be taken back."

"Thanks, doc," Eddie says. He moves his arms from around me and I gaze up at him as he takes my face in his hands. I can't control the tears as I look into his eyes.

"Are you okay?" he says, wiping my tears with his thumbs. I nod my head before slowly leaning in, forgetting where we are and who is watching.

I wasn't sure he was worth fighting all my demons for, but here he stands, showing me the pure, selfless man he can be, and that's worth fighting for. We might be in for a battle and a half, but I'm ready to give it everything I have.

As my lips touch his, he knows this is me giving my heart to him, showing him all my fears. His hands move to my hair, and he slowly pulls away and rests his head against mine.

"If I don't stop now, I may have to take you into one of those rooms." He makes me smile by saying something that's so Eddie, but instead of the sound of his voice filling me with doubt, it melts it all away and my doubts no longer seem to matter.

Mickki walks over to us and gives me an awkward smile.

"Thanks for coming," I say.

"Nowhere else we'd rather be. We might not know Beau, but we know you, and any girl that can make my brother pussy-whipped like this, is family to me."

"I'm not pussy-whipped," Eddie responds, pushing his brother playfully.

"We're going to head out. The boys want to check in with their wives, and I'm going to bleach the sex from my body and replenish the booze."

"Okay, have fun with that." I flash him a small grin as I shake my head at the mental image.

He and Eddie are so much alike, yet so different. It's nice to see him around his brother, and Mickki idolises Eddie. I'm not sure he even knows, but it's so obvious to see the love between them. It makes me think about how good Beau would be as a big brother.

Shit, Callie, two minutes in a man's arms and your biological clock is going crazy.

" What?" Eddie asks.

"Nothing," I say, wondering if he can hear my thoughts.

"You just had this weird look on your face," he says, still looking at me.

"I was just thinking about Beau and how, if I wasn't such a crap mum, I could have given him a brother who idolises him the way Mickki does you."

"You are not a crap mum and Beau knows that," he says.

"Does he? I mean, he disappeared today, and I thought he wanted to hurt himself."

"He called me," he says randomly.

"Who called you?" I ask.

"Beau, earlier, after you hung up on me. I tried to call you back, and when your phone went straight to voicemail?—"

"You flew back here to tell me?"

"I was scared. He wanted me to promise to look after you and I thought, maybe... I don't know what I thought, except that I needed to get here and be with you."

"You're something else. You know that, right?" I say.

"I know. I've been telling people that since I was a kid, but no one would agree with me." He smirks.

"You're so sure of yourself."

"Someone has to be. Now let's make sure your pregnant sister who scares me doesn't need something to eat—pregnant people eat lots."

I smile at him and wonder where this wonderful man has been since we met. Was I too judgemental to see him? Did I have some preconceived notion of how much I should hate him?

A nurse comes and says Dane and I can go in now. When I ask if Dane's wife can come, since she's his mum also, Tara takes my hand and gives it a light squeeze. As hard as it is for me to admit, she is his mum, and she was there for him when I wasn't.

"How's he going?" Dane asks the doctor as he walks into the room.

"He's doing well, given his injuries. Beau had a severed femoral artery and a fracture in the femur of the same leg. He was very lucky this happened so close to the hospital. If it had taken any longer to get here, it may have been too late to save him."

I walk away from Dane and the doctor as Brad strolls into the room. Beau's doing good, and that is all I care about. I'll get Dane to fill me in on all the details later.

"I'm here, baby," I say to Beau as he comes to.

"I'm sorry," he tries to say, his voice sounding dry and raspy.

"Nothing to be sorry for. You're here now and you're safe. That's all that matters."

"I love you," he says, and I ignore the feeling in my gut screaming he's only saying this because he has another chance.

November 3 rd , 2009

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" my sister asks for the hundredth time.

"I'll be fine. I'll watch TV and chill."

Then I spend another ten minutes reassuring her I am, in fact, an adult and can look after myself for a few hours.

"I love you, Cal," she says, and the look in her eyes breaks my heart. I can't stay here and watch her worry about me. There's only one place I can go to make all the worries disappear; I only know one lifestyle that can make me forget.

"I love you, too," I say, and I know it will be for the last time. I've dragged her down for too long. She and Beau don't need me around. It's for the best if I go back into the hole I crawled out of.