Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Callie

It's been peaceful not living with Eddie or having to deal with his antics. It's also been lonely, and I'm feeling lost. I've picked up my phone to call him so many times, but since he hasn't called, maybe he's doing alright without me. After Eddie came to see me, I received a phone call from Sasha. Apparently, he not only wants to go to rehab for me, but he's also willing to give up his career, and I can't let him do that. I told Sasha to reassure Mickki they wouldn't get any further trouble from me, and I'm ready to move on. I've concluded anything I felt for Eddie was purely the old me trying to resurface and latch on to him, subconsciously pulling me back into my old life.

Unless you've had an addiction, you wouldn't understand. I don't wake up every day and simply not use; I wake up every day and fight my demons and the urges deep within me. It will always be a part of who I am, only I won't ever let my addiction define me again.

As I open my laptop, a new notification from ACE TV pops up. As much as I want to stay away from him, I can't help but check up. Today's article reads:

EDDIE DIAMOND MISSING FROM LAST NIGHT'S AFTER-PARTY

I don't know what I was expecting... maybe something about him being out of control or on a drug binge, but not that he was missing from the after-party. I slam the laptop closed.

Why do I care? He isn't my problem anymore, and being around him takes me back to a place I don't want to be. Or maybe being around him brings up the issues I have yet to deal with and he's good for me, the optimistic part of my brain offers up.

Is that right? Does being around him make me want to confront my past head-on? Because as I am coming to realise, I buried it all, instead of working through the guilt.

Before I know what I'm doing, I'm sitting on the side of the bed calling him.

"Callie?" he says, and I sit in silence. I don't know what to say or why I even called. "Hello? Are you there?"

I quickly end the call. Within seconds, he's calling me back.

"Hello?" I say shyly, feeling stupid for hanging up.

"Is everything okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, I don't know why I called. Being alone and thinking is never a good mix for an addict."

"I've been wanting to call and hear your voice. I miss you."

Before I have time to answer, I hear a girl whispering something I can't quite make out. Eddie laughs, and not his usual laugh, something more sexual.

"Oh God, I'm interrupting something," I say.

"It's—"

I hang up the call and throw my phone against the wall, and the screen shatters on impact. Why was I so stupid to think he was sincere in everything he said? I feel like a hormonal teenage girl, so irrational and confused. Yet I'm a thirty-four-year-old woman who should be able to control her damn temper.

Jen comes running through the door, turning to look between me and the hole I just put in her wall.

"Are you okay?" she asks, genuinely concerned.

"I'm fine. Sorry about the wall—I'll get someone to fix it."

"I don't care about the wall. What's going on with you?" she asks, taking a seat next to me on the bed.

"Eddie," I say, knowing his name will explain everything.

"Have you told him how you feel about him?"

"How I feel about him?"

"Don't act stupid, I know you. You've been moping around the house ever since you moved back in."

"I have not. Don't you have some pregnancy yoga to do?"

"Oh, hush, you. Just admit you want to see him naked. Hell, even I'd want to see him naked." She laughs.

"Who would've thought? My sister the hussy."

Suddenly, there's a loud knock at the front door. I look at Jen and watch as the colour drains from her face in front of my eyes, so I tell her to stay put and I'll get it. The last knock like this Jen answered was the day our brother was killed, and I was hurt. My heart is racing as I turn the handle. It's Jaynie, Beau's best friend, and she's crying and holding a piece of paper. My mind flashes back to the day I wrote my goodbyes.

September 25 th , 2009

My dearest Beau,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you how much I love you and wish I was a better mum to you. I can't erase all the mistakes I've made, and one day I hope you can understand why I couldn't stay here on this earth.

I love you with all of my heart, and I know I'll miss out on so many things in your life, but know I'm watching down on you forever. One day we'll meet again.

"Fucking excuses."

I throw the letter on the pile I have already discarded. How is deciding to end it all so easy, but saying goodbye so hard? No more excuses. I pick up the pen and a new piece of paper.

My dearest Beau,

I love you, never forget that.

xoxo Mum

I seal the envelope and sit it on the bench before sliding into the bath. Closing my eyes as I take another swig from the bottle of vodka, flashes of Simon, my ex, holding a gun pointed at me move before my eyes. I wasn't scared because I knew it was coming with how much money I owed him for drugs, and who'd miss me, anyway? I'd just be a burden that disappeared. But I never expected Billy to visit me that day, and everything happened so fast.

When the first shot was fired, I looked at my brother and I saw it as if in slow motion—him jumping towards me and pushing me out of the way. He fell to the ground and there was so much blood, then everything went silent. As Simon dropped the gun, I heard it go off again as he ran from the room. I didn't feel anything or even hear my own screams. No idea who called for an ambulance, either. I just held my brother as he took his last breath; he died to save me.

"Everyone would be better off if I'm dead. It should have been me," I say, crying to myself as I pick up the razor blade.

"CALLIE!" Jaynie screams, shaking me.

"What—what happened?" I say, snapping out of the daze I was in.

"It's Beau. He sent me this letter and I can't find him!" she says frantically and hands me the piece of paper.

I scan the note and my heart sinks—it's his goodbye letter.

"What's all this mean?" I ask. I know he's been down and has thoughts he could die, but this letter reads as if he's going to end it himself.

"I thought he was just being Beau—he's always been a little crazy—but when he said we should do all the little things we always talked about, I didn't think anything of it."

Grabbing my keys as she keeps explaining, I see Jen leaning against the doorframe of my room, silent, with tears streaming down her face. I need to find my son before he tries to make the same mistake I did.