Chapter 28

28

Kara

Nikki had to get to work, so I spend the entire day alone, trying to figure out how to tell Silas that I’m pregnant. The fact that I have no clue how he’ll respond is what is making it so hard. Since he took me to Disneyland, I would think he wants kids, but we’ve only been together for a few months.

Yes, it’s been going very well, but that doesn’t mean he wants to spend forever with me. We haven’t even said I love you yet.

He must be having a busy day at work because I haven’t heard from him at all. I don’t know if I would have been able to hide what’s going on if he had called, so I’m at least thankful for that.

What I can’t wrap my head around is if I’m happy, worried, scared, or what? It’s like I’m a bundle of emotions that can change anytime from one to the next. I’ve cried, I’ve paced, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror, imagining what is going on inside of me. It’s been a whirlwind of thoughts that I wish I weren’t going through on my own. I just don’t want to share with anyone else until I tell Silas.

What shocks me the most is how within the span of less than twenty-four hours, I have had two very life-altering events take place, which can both change my life forever, but I don’t see how I can have them both.

I finally get all my dreams to come true with my music, and now, I feel like it’s come to a screeching halt. But maybe that’s God’s plan. He wanted me to have that success before he opened another door for me.

I just can’t understand how yesterday was the best day of my life, so I should be solely focused on how amazing that was, yet here I sit, having no clue what my future holds.

As I lie in bed, going over what I’m going to say to Silas for the thousandth time, all I can do is cry. Cry for joy, cry for the end of my music dreams, and cry for fear of how Silas is going to react.

To my surprise, I hear my front door open and pop up in question, only to hear Nikki’s voice.

“It’s me,” she announces her arrival.

I gave her a key a while ago just so someone had access to my place if needed, and I’m so glad I did.

“I’m back here,” I respond.

I don’t bother getting up from my curled-up position in my bed and love when she joins me, wrapping her arms around me and not saying a word. Just her being here with me is enough right now.

Of course, I don’t sleep a wink. I need to talk to Silas before I worry myself into a frenzy. When I know he’s getting off, I send him a text.

I hope you got some sleep last night.

Any chance you can come over this morning?

He’s quick to respond.

I’ll be right there. Everything okay?

See you soon.

I leave it vague, which if someone did to me, it would make me worry even more, but I have no idea what else to say.

“Did you just text him?” Nikki asks as she lies next to me.

“Yeah. He’s on his way.”

She sits up. “Okay, I’ll give you guys your space.” She stands and starts to gather her things. “What are you going to say?”

“I have to just rip off the Band-Aid. Either he’ll be here for it or not. No sense in beating around the bush. I just worry because he made such a big deal, saying he’d protect me by all means.”

She purses her lips and lets out a breath, then opens her arms to me. “You know I’m here for you, right?”

We hug, and I take the time to hold her, hoping it gives me the strength I need. “Thank you.”

“God works in mysterious ways,” she says as she pulls back. “Whatever happens today, just remember that.”

“I will.”

We walk to the living room, where she grabs her things and opens the door just as Silas pulls up.

“Good luck,” she singsongs to me as he exits the truck.

“Hey.” He walks up to me with a look of concern that makes my stomach turn even more. “Everything okay?” he asks as he gives me a kiss and hug hello.

“Yeah, come on in.”

I hold his hand as I enter my house and head toward my couch and sit us both down.

“Angel, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?”

I take a deep inhale and blurt out, “I’m pregnant.”

His face goes extremely pale as he sits there without saying a word.

I give him a moment to process what I just said, then ask, “Say something.”

He shakes his head.

“No, you don’t want to say anything? Or no …” I leave the other part just floating in the air, unsaid.

“No,” he whispers.

“No what?”

“You said you were on birth control.”

“I am. I guess they were right in school that it’s not one hundred percent effective,” I say, trying to joke, but he doesn’t even crack a smile.

He still looks like he’s seen a ghost, staring off in space.

“Will you look at me?” I ask.

He shakes his head, then closes his eyes.

“Silas.” I reach for his hand.

A tear slips from his eye.

“Silas, talk to me.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. I can’t have kids. I—I—I just can’t. I won’t survive it.” His voice cracks, and my heart breaks for so many reasons that I can’t wrap my head around them.

“What do you mean, you won’t survive it?”

He drops his head to his hands, and he can’t hold back his tears.

I place my hand on his back, and he instantly jumps up.

“I have to go.”

I sit there in shock as he walks out my door, making me cry because I honestly have no idea what all of that meant, but the fact that he walked out the door said a lot.

Looks like I’m on my own.

Silas

I don’t know if I should scream, throw up, or cry. I feel like I should do all three right before I beat the living shit out of myself for walking out her door.

I couldn’t sit there and have her watch me cry. Because that’s the exact response I have.

I want to cry for the family that I couldn’t save.

I want to cry for the girl I’m falling in love with.

And I want to cry for myself that I can’t be a father one day.

I always wanted to be a dad, but after what I’ve been through, there’s just no way.

What am I to do now though?

I’ve never been so terrified in my life. This is a fear that feels like it’s gripping my insides and making it impossible to breathe. The type of fear that takes over your entire being and holds you captive until you can’t function or makes you do the stupidest thing you could have ever done—walk out on the woman carrying your child.

Not knowing what to do, I pick up my phone and call Myles.

“What’s up, bro?”

“She’s pregnant,” I blurt out, then slam my palm on the steering wheel.

“Whoa … okay. First, calm down and take a deep breath.” He pauses, and I do as told. “And you know it’s yours?”

“Yes, fucker. Of course it’s mine.”

“Does she know you don’t want kids? Did you ever talk to her like I told you to ?” he points out like a parent would.

“No. All right, I never told her. Don’t give me that I told you so shit either. What am I going to do?”

“You’re going to talk to her. Tell her why you don’t.”

“It’s a little too late for that talk.”

“What do you want?”

I finally admit to myself that I do really want to be a dad, but I can’t speak the words.

When I don’t respond, he asks, “What happened when she told you?”

“I was in shock. I started to cry, then got up and left.”

“You cried?” he asks in disbelief.

“Yes, okay, I fucking cried, which is why I left, and now, I’m driving around like a complete asshole, having no clue what to do.”

“Why did you cry? I mean, you know I don’t want kids, but I wouldn’t cry about it.”

“It caught me so off guard. And … I really like this girl.”

“It’s one thing to not want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. But when did you start to feel that way?”

I finally admit, “You know when …”

“Ah fuck, Fed. You can’t put that shit on yourself.”

I pull over and drop my head to my steering wheel. “How can I not? I’ll never get her screams out of my head. If that were my child …”

“It wasn’t. And it won’t be. Accidents happen.”

I shake my head. “I don’t know how people move on from something like that.”

“So, you’ll stop living the life you wanted for fear of that happening?”

“Absolutely.”

“Bro, that’s some fucked-up shit. You need to go talk to a counselor and get some help. You can’t let the job rule your life.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Well, buck up, bronco, because you’re about to find out.”

I shake my head. “I can’t. I just can’t.”

He lets out a breath into the phone. “Where are you? Want to meet at Ruby’s?”

I look around and realize I’m on Natchez Trace Parkway. Last time I needed to just clear my head, she had me drive here. I couldn’t believe how much that helped me then, and now, I’m here again.

“No. No drinking. I need to just go for a drive.”

“Okay. Go for your drive, then meet me at Ruby’s.”

“We’ll see. Right now, I just need to listen to music and drive.”

“Whatever you need to do. Call me later.”

“I will.”

I hang up, get back on the road, turn up the music, and just drive.