Chapter 21

21

Silas

I’ve never been so happy to go to work for the day. My morning started out amazing with Kara in my arms … until realization snuck in.

Last night was the most intense sex I’d ever had. So intense that I seemed to lose my marbles as well, and the thought of wearing a condom never even crossed my mind until right at this moment, as I’m standing in the shower, wanting to throw up.

I promised her I would keep her safe—for, I hate to say it, more selfish reasons than anything.

I decided early on in this job that I did not want kids.

I’ve seen what loss is like, and I know for a fact that I could never go through that, so I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t.

Yet here I stand, trying not to have a panic attack because of my actions last night.

I place my hand on the wall, close my eyes, and focus on my breathing when I hear the door open.

“Mind if I join you?” the sweetest voice says.

I inhale a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves so she doesn’t see what’s going on inside my head.

I open my eyes, only to see the perfect angel standing in front of me, naked with her hair down and flowing over her breasts. The sight of her takes my breath away for a completely different reason than what was just racing through my body.

I reach for her and bring her into the shower and into my arms, holding her tightly, relishing in the feeling she gives me, which allows me to breathe for the first time in a few minutes.

“You okay?” she asks, running her hand down my back.

“Yeah, just …” I pause, not sure what to say.

I don’t want her to know I was beginning to have a panic attack because of the possibility that I had gotten her pregnant last night. It’s not something we have talked about, and right now is definitely not the best time to tell the person you’ve been dating for only a few weeks that there’s no way in hell you’ll have kids.

“You’re just so beautiful. I wanted to hold you a little longer,” I say, speaking from my heart.

She holds me tighter before spinning around to get her hair wet.

I stand in awe at the woman before me. So delicate, so graceful, she truly is an angel sent here by God, just for me.

I know she senses something is going on with me, but I love that she doesn’t ask. Instead, she guides me to what she wants me to do, closing off that part of my brain and just allowing me to be with her.

Taking my hand in hers, she squeezes shampoo into my palm, rubs my hands together, and turns around, motioning for me to wash her hair.

I do as I’m told, loving that taking care of her this way calms me down.

I lather the soap and move her long locks up on top of her head before gently massaging her scalp. She lets out a sigh of contentment while dropping her head back slightly, giving me a better angle to continue my movements.

My mind is on nothing but the task at hand, so I have no idea how long I’ve been washing her hair until she places her hand over mine, stopping my motions, and turns to rinse her hair clean.

We repeat our steps with the conditioner, only she guides me to put it on smoothly down her length.

After it’s rinsed off, she squirts my body wash in my hands and allows me to run it over her breasts, down her stomach, and between her legs. Her soft curves are exactly what I need to stop the pure panic that was happening inside me. She has this way of taking every worry, every fear, every question in my head and making it disappear, like low-lying clouds floating through the sky, there one minute and gone the next.

She motions toward me, silently asking if I need anything washed, and I just shake my head since I’ve already accomplished everything I had to do. She turns off the shower, squeezes out her hair, then reaches for both of our towels, handing me mine before drying herself off.

We go about the motions of getting out of the shower, but before I let her step out completely, I pull her into me, kissing her as my thank-you for being here and helping me through what was going on in my brain even though she has no idea what caused it—and, honestly, I love her even more for not asking about it.

We both get ready for the day and are out the door without saying much, but not one second of it feels awkward. The silence between us is actually very comforting, welcoming even as I work through the bullshit in my head.

When we walk to my truck, I stop and hold her tight, wanting those last few minutes of the relief that only she can give me.

I drive to her place with her hand in mine, while music fills the air around us. After I park, I turn the volume down and lean over to her and say, “I can’t wait until I hear you on the radio.”

“Hopefully, one day,” she responds with a smile.

“I know it will happen.” I kiss her softly, and then she hops out of the truck. “I’ll call you if we have some downtime.”

“Okay. Have a good day. Be safe out there.”

I give her a soft grin, then drive to the station with nothing but her on my mind, not even bothering to turn up the radio again.

When I arrive, I’m a fucked-up barrel of emotions.

This girl has worked her way so far into my heart that it’s both terrifying and the best feeling I’ve ever lived through. The way she helped me this morning is unexplainable. I never knew one person could soothe my soul just by being near.

I enter the station, pour myself a cup of coffee, and sit down at the counter, lost in my thoughts of the morning.

Cooper and Myles walk into the kitchen.

When I feel them staring at me, I finally ask, “What?”

“We’ve been sitting here for five minutes, and you’ve been off in la-la land. What’s going on?” Myles asks.

I let out a long breath, turning my focus back to my coffee that I have yet to take a drink of. “I fucked up last night.”

“Care to elaborate?” Cooper asks.

I close my eyes, letting out a slow breath, trying to calm my stomach as I try not to throw up from the nervousness that I’ve been fighting all morning.

“I didn’t use a condom.” I inhale and open my eyes. “It didn’t even cross my mind until this morning.”

“Is she on birth control?”

I look down at my mug. “I don’t know.”

“Was she tripping this morning?” Myles asks.

“No.”

“Then, maybe she is,” Myles says.

“But what if she’s not?” I ask, fighting the panic again.

“I know you haven’t been with this girl long, but it’s obvious you two have something pretty special. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if she got pregnant,” Cooper says.

My eyes widen as I stare at him in shock that he just said that. He was there. He was the one who helped me through the call that changed my life forever.

I shake my head. “No. I can’t have kids.”

He places his elbows on the counter to lean down until he’s eye level with me. “Fed, this job can harden you, no doubt. But you can’t let it change who you are and what you want from your life.”

“Oh, yes, it can. You were there. I still live with that mom’s screams in my head on a daily basis.”

Memories of taking the small child who was dripping wet in my arms and doing CPR flash through my mind.

I shake my head even more. “What if I can’t save my own child? What if I’m here and something happens to them? No.” I shake my head even more. “I can’t. I won’t.”

Myles, who doesn’t want kids either but for a very different reason, places his mug down and levels with me. “Bro, you have some shit you need to work through. Not wanting kids is one thing. Not wanting them because you’re terrified you can’t save them is something completely different.”

I stare at my coffee, not sure if I can physically take a sip due to how upset my stomach is.

“Hey,” Cooper says, trying to get my attention. “The city offers counseling, something to help guys like us to work through the shit we see. I think you need to go talk to someone.”

I close my eyes, inhaling, then nod my head. He’s right. Whatever is going on in my head is obviously something I’m not dealing with as well as I thought I was.

The tones sound above us, and I stand in a rush. The only thing that is going to get me through the day is pushing that shit down some more and focusing on the task at hand. It’s the life I live, and it’s worked just fine until today.