Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

L ock hammered a nail into the wood, throwing so much force into it that the deck shook.

Pregnant. She’d been pregnant . And he hadn’t known. He hadn’t been here.

Memories of her calls slipped into his mind. Of her name coming up on his phone screen. And of him shoving the phone back into his pocket every time she called.

Fuck, he hated himself. Everything hurt so much damn much. But did he even have the right to hurt? He’d made everything worse because he hadn’t handled the situation the way he should have two years ago.

Anger flared throughout his limbs, and before he could think better of it, he punched the deck. Pain laced up his arm. It wasn’t enough though.

“ Fuck .”

He dropped the hammer and rose, running his fingers through his hair and looking up at the sky, as if that would give him what he was searching for. But he didn’t even know what he was searching for. Redemption? Peace? Some way of turning back the clock and changing things?

He sat on the steps and dropped his head into his hands just as a car engine sounded. He looked up to see Cody’s car. But it wasn’t Cody who climbed out. It was Nylah. Her blue eyes pierced his. She didn’t say anything as she walked up the steps and lowered beside him.

For a moment they both just sat there, a heaviness in their silence.

“Remember when we were little, and I broke my arm?”

He frowned. Whatever he’d thought she was about to say, it wasn’t that. “Yeah. You broke it at the river.”

“Yep. We were using that old rope to jump in. But when it was my turn, my fingers slipped. I put my arm out to catch myself, and when I landed, I knew something was wrong.” She shook her head. “I was a mess. Screaming. Crying. You, Cody, and Kayden got me home, but boy was Mom mad.”

“She rushed you to the hospital and barely said a word to us.”

“And you interpreted that as her blaming you, even though you were just a kid.”

“We all blamed ourselves.” Lock and his brothers had always been protective of Nylah. As her brothers, they’d seen it as their job.

“Once we got home, do you remember what she said?”

“No.”

“She told you that she was scared. And that when people are scared, they don’t always say what they should have in the moment. And what she should have said was that sometimes, bad things just happen. And it’s no one’s fault. It’s just…really crappy.”

He did remember that. “You sound just like her. But why are you telling me this?”

“Because I suspect that she would say something very similar right now.”

“This isn’t a broken arm, Ny.”

“You’re right. It’s something really big and really crappy that happened. And still, something that’s no one’s fault.”

He shook his head. “I should have been there for her.”

“You’d just found out Winnie and two women had been killed. You were scared.”

“I was terrified, but that doesn’t make it okay.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Every day, we live a million little moments. So many of them aren’t even worth remembering, yet one moment, one damn decision, changed everything for me.”

“So go,” Nylah whispered. “Talk to her.”

“I tried. Aspen won’t let me in. She wouldn’t even open the door.” He’d gone straight there from the party last night, then again this morning. He didn’t even get a glimpse of Callie.

“Well, I may have heard that she’s not with Aspen this morning. She’s at her dad’s.”

Lock looked at his sister. “Who’d you hear that from?”

“Her dad’s neighbor told Mrs. Burns at the grocery store, who just happened to be in front of Cody at the checkout.” She lifted a shoulder. “Naturally, he called and told me to come talk to you. I, of course, was already on my way.”

If the situation wasn’t what it was, he’d laugh at that sequence of events. Like the universe needed him to know exactly where Callie was.

She nudged his shoulder. “Go to her. All you can do is try.” She stood, and he rose with her, but before going to the car, she turned back to him and pulled him into a hug and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes and hugged her back, really hugged her, letting the weight of everything he’d lost two years ago bear down on him.

Emotion welled to the surface, and instead of pushing it down, he let it sit there. He let himself feel all of it. And it was as awful as he thought it would be.

When she pulled away, it was too soon. But the second she was gone, he climbed into his truck and drove as fast as it would take him to her father’s house. He’d only been there a couple of times while they’d dated, but he remembered the way like he’d stopped by yesterday.

It wasn’t until he was standing in front of the door, the wood staring at him, mocking him, that he remembered exactly when the last time was…the day he’d gotten back from that crucial Ghost Ops mission. Malone had been eliminated, and he was finally ready to tell Callie everything and get her back…only she hadn’t been here.

He pounded the door with his fist, and when it opened, Jude Ward stood there. Callie’s father looked older, with more lines around his eyes. More grays in his hair. But the same stern expression on his face.

The older man stared him down. “You’ve got some balls showing up here, son.”

“Is she here?”

“Why would I tell you that?”

The muscles in his biceps flexed. “Because I love her. And I need to fix this.” The words sounded hollow even to his own ears. Fix this? It wasn’t something that could be fixed. It was trauma, a scar that would forever live within both of them.

“Haven’t you hurt her enough?”

“I’ve hurt her too damn much. I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t. I own my actions. I thought I had a good reason for what I did, but now…”

“Now what?”

“Now, I would give anything to be able to do things differently. If I had that time again, I would do things differently. Please. Let me see her.”

Jude looked at him so closely, Lock wondered what he was looking for. What could the older man see just by staring at him?

Finally, Jude’s chest rose on a deep inhale. “She’s in the unit out back.”

Thank fuck. “Thank you.”

“You make this right,” Jude said before closing the door with a resounding slam.

Lock moved around the house.

Jude had an accessory dwelling unit on the back of his land. Lock should have guessed she was there, probably seeking solitude.

The second the little building came into view, his heart began to pound. It beat so hard that he could hear it, blocking out the rest of the world around him. When he stopped at the door, it took a moment to lift his fist and knock.

When no movement sounded, he called out to her. “Callie. It’s me. Lock.”

Then he waited, hoping like hell he had a shot at redemption.

Callie shot up in the bed, her pulse thumping, sweat coating her skin.

Another nightmare. This one so real it felt like she was there again. Back in her bed. Hurting. Lonely. Needing him. Only this time, the nightmare had twisted into something else. Lock had answered her call. And when she’d asked him to come, he’d said no. He’d reminded her that they were over. Then he’d hung up, the echoing click of the call ending still loud in her ears.

Jesus . She leaned forward, dropping her face into her hands, trying to catch her breath. Just needing one deep breath to wipe away the memory.

The scent of pine filled her nose, reminding her that she wasn’t home, but rather in her father’s rental cabin. It was one big room with a bed and a kitchen, with only the bathroom in a separate space. She’d originally gone home last night, but then Lock had shown up and she’d needed a night to clear her head. But it didn’t feel like it worked.

He knew. Two years later, Lock finally knew.

She lifted her phone to see a dozen missed calls, all from Lock. She swallowed and clicked into the messages. Some from Aspen, but not all of them.

She looked at the messages from Lock.

Lock: I need to see you.

Lock: Please. We need to talk.

Lock: I need you to tell me where you are.

She clicked out and dropped the phone to the bed. She was just rising when the knock sounded at the door. Probably Dad. He’d been so worried about her when she’d shown up, cheeks stained with tears.

She took one step toward the door when the voice sounded.

“Callie. It’s me. Lock.”

Her feet ground to a halt, and she barely held in the gasp.

How had he known where she was? Did that even matter? He was here now. Of course he was here, they needed to talk. He deserved to hear everything that had happened.

“Callie. I need you to open the door.”

Again, she stood there, hating that she was being a coward.

“I screwed up,” Lock continued. “I screwed up so bad that there’s no way to repair the damage. But I need to know you’re okay. I need to know that at least you’re still whole.”

Whole? She hadn’t felt whole for a long time.

Like her feet had a mind of their own, she moved toward the door but didn’t open it. Instead, she clicked into the camera beside the door. And there he was, expression so sad, he almost looked lost.

He touched one hand to the wood before resting his forehead against the door. “Open the door, Callie. Please.”

“I can’t.” The words were barely a whisper. So quiet that she didn’t think he’d hear.

“You can. For me, honey.”

His words had her eyes scrunching and her hand touching the wood on the other side of his.

When she didn’t move to open the door, she expected him to leave. He didn’t. Three entire minutes passed of them just standing there in silence, a couple inches of wood separating them, before he turned. But instead of walking away, he dropped to the ground and leaned against the door.

He wasn’t going to go. He was going to wait for her.

She took a moment to suck in air. To summon that little bit of courage.

You can do this without breaking down, Callie. Talk to him.

Her mind still screamed at her to keep the door closed, but her heart was braver, urging her to open it and let him in.

Slowly, she unlatched the lock and pulled open the door.

Lock rose to his feet and turned, his gaze intense as he took her in. “Callie…”

“Come in.”

Before he could respond, she turned and headed into the apartment. The door clicked closed, but she didn’t turn, just went to the kitchen counter and got out the bag of coffee. Keeping busy felt better. Easier. A small distraction.

“That’s what you were going to tell me that morning, wasn’t it?”

She paused at his words before turning back to look at him. He was about five feet away, but it still felt too close. “Yes. I’d known for about a month, but I wanted to tell you in person. I was scared about how you’d take it. We’d only been dating a year, and even though I knew I loved you, and we were planning on living together, there was still fear because we’d never talked about kids.”

His brows flickered. “When did you lose the baby?”

“Three weeks after you broke up with me. I was already asleep, and I woke up to…” She closed her eyes, the crack in her voice making her pause for a second before she looked at him again. “I woke up and I knew something was wrong. I called you, but when you didn’t answer, I called Dad.”

Pain twisted his features, and she almost wished she hadn’t added that sentence. But God, she was tired of keeping it all inside her.

He stepped closer. “I wish I’d answered the call, Callie.”

“Dad took me to the hospital. They called it ‘early pregnancy loss.’” She shook her head, the words still feeling wrong in her head. “It didn’t feel early. I’d known for almost two months by that point. It felt like I already knew this little person inside me.”

His hands fisted. “How long were you in there for?”

“Only a night. It was when I got home that it really hit me… I’d gone from having you and expecting our child and having this vision of our future to losing absolutely everything. And the grief…God, it changed me. It changed the way I existed in the world. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me.”

“Callie, I’m so damn sorry. I loved you so much, and I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“I know that. But it’s not about how much you love someone. It’s about how you love them.” If possible, his frown deepened. “I get why you did what you did, I really do. But it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that you weren’t there, and I don’t know how to…let that go.”

“Then don’t.”

She frowned.

“Hold on to it. Remind me every day that I messed up, and that I need to do better. That I need to be better.” He stepped closer again, this time cupping her cheek, and she couldn’t pull away. “I will be better, Callie. For you, I will work every day to be the best version of myself.”

He sounded like he meant it. And despite their past, despite the ache in her chest, she wanted to believe him. God, she wanted to believe him.