Chapter 33

33

REYA

A fter lunch and a serious reprimand from Moryen in her office, I'm sitting next to Saveya on the spectator seats of the sparring arena. At weekends, the soldiers put on boxing and wrestling competitions for the valley's local inhabitants to come and watch. I look up at the roofline of the arena and the large dragon claws that adorn its edges. It's hard to imagine that they came from dragons. What formidable and frightening beasts they must be when you see one in the flesh.

"I'm going to fail this class." Saveya groans as she rests her head in her hands and looks out at the empty arena.

"I'll do you a deal," I say to her. "You help me with my sewing and piano, and I'll teach you to fight."

Saveya's head jerks to me in surprise. "You will? But I thought you didn't care about getting in the top 5?"

I shrug my shoulders and stare out at the arena. "Well, I realise it's important for my brothers and my town."

Saveya snorts, and I look at her, perplexed. "What?"

"So, it's nothing to do with the rumours that he might choose a mate?" My eyes follow hers to where Raegal has just walked into the arena with two soldiers trailing behind him. I sink down in my seat when I see one of the soldiers accompanying him is Orym.

Two rows down, I see Shalia sit up in her seat at the sight of Raegal. "Combat class suddenly got a lot more interesting." Her fellow dorm mate snickers and I narrow my eyes at her. She practically salivates at the sight of him. It's pathetic!

"Ladies. Welcome to your first combat class. General Greywater will be your usual instructor, but as he is away on urgent business, today you will have me and my two soldiers, Orym and Finor, to teach you. Today we're going to assess your baseline and then we'll teach you the basics of wielding a sword, how to get free from an assailant, and basic combat skills. Would anyone like to volunteer to come down first?"

Shalia shoots her hand in the air and, smiling warmly at her, Raegal invites her down to join him in the arena. I watch with a frown as Raegal hands her a wooden sword, and she asks him how she should hold it. Raegal comes up beside her and, taking her hands, he places them on the hilt of the sword and instructs her on how to wield it and the right stance. I roll my eyes, watching her gaze up at him with a flirtatious smile.

"So obvious!" I mutter, folding my arms and leaning back in my seat.

"Your eyes are turning green," Saveya chuckles, side-eyeing me.

"Please! She's welcome to him," I reply with a scoff, but as he places his hand on her waist, my eyes narrow in on the movement. I rub my hand over my chest where my necklace should be. Moryen insisted we remove all jewellery before coming to the arena, as she said it was a safety hazard. I feel bare without it. I watch as Shalia plays all coy and wields it wrong again, ensuring that Raegal has to show her once more. He stands up behind her and, placing his hand on her hip, he adjusts her stance and places his own arms over hers to get her to hold the sword at the correct angle. My eyes fixate on all the places he's touching her, and it makes my blood boil. My vision narrows and darkens and it's like I'm inside her head and swiping through her memories until I latch onto a thought of her fear of rats. I smirk to myself as an image forms in my head of her trapped in a box with hundreds of rats in there with her, crawling on her body and surrounding her. A scream of terror pulls me from my vision.

"What on Asen?" I hear Saveya say, confused.

I blink, my vision clearing, and cast my gaze around me in confusion. Finor escorts Shalia from the arena. She's crying and hyperventilating. Her house mistress pats her hand and tries to console her as they exit the arena through the tunnel. I realise Raegal has been shouting my name.

"When you have finished daydreaming, Miss Lockwood, I'd like you to join me on the arena floor."

I blink again, and Saveya nudges me to make a move. Luckily, all the other girls are still watching as Shalia is escorted from the arena. "What happened to her?" I mumble to Saveya as I stand to my feet.

"No idea. She was fine and then she started screaming about rats. I think she's unwell."

I frown as I make the walk down the spectator steps to the arena floor where Raegal waits for me. His eyes flit from the retreating Shalia back to me, deep in thought.

Orym steps up, and smiling in recognition, offers me the wooden sword. I handle it with ease and swing it around in my hand, familiarising myself with it. He winks at me as he steps back and my cheeks heat with humiliation. What must he think of me?

"Ready to show me what you've got, Eretreya?" Raegal asks me with an arch of his brow and a challenge in his eyes.

I swing my sword in my hand and take up my stance. "Ready to teach you a thing or two, Lord Commander," I promise him, and I don't miss the flare of heat in his eyes at my words.

We circle each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. I study him closely, watching his foot movement, the hold on his sword, and his face. Ark's dad taught us to study your opponent's face when they attack. Ark used to always say I would chew on the inside of my cheek before I attacked, so ever since I've been mindful not to do it. I raise my sword to block an attack by Raegal and quickly move into attack mode, swinging my sword under and up, but he reacts quickly and blocks me. He is very fast. I need to use my small height to my advantage if I'm to stand a chance of even getting a strike in. I spin and aim for his side, but he anticipates me again and smirks at me when his sword stops mine in its tracks.

"Not bad," he says, as he swings his sword around his head, coming in with a high attack and I duck to the side before coming up behind him. I grin, thinking I've got him, but as I'm about to stick my sword in his back, he spins round and blocks me again.

"You're a hard man to kill, Commander." We circle each other, our chests heaving from exertion.

"There's no fun in making it easy for you, is there now?" he says cockily as he attacks. I don't react quick enough and as I move to block him, my wooden sword gets knocked out of my hand and he holds his at my throat.

"One day, commander. One day," I promise, and he releases a deep throaty chuckle that sets my core on fire.

"Until that day then." He removes the sword from my neck, and the arena breaks out in rounds of applause and heckling. He picks my sword up from the floor and offers it to me.

"Looks like I won't be seeing my family after all," I say with a deep sigh as I take it from him.

I'm desperate to see them. I should have known the chances of me beating him were slim. It's probably why he offered that reward in the first place. Because he knew he would best me.

"You fight well. Miss Lockwood," he praises his voice raised to ensure the girls watching on hear him.

I hand Orym back the sword and make my way back to my seat. I switch off when Raegal goes over basic self-defence moves with the girls. My thoughts drift to my brothers and how they are doing. I just want the chance to hold them and smell their hair and hear them tell me all about their day. I miss cosy nights in front of the fire, with all four of us round the table, sharing stories and laughing. The reality that I'll never get one of those nights hits me hard. I miss my mother. I miss her laugh, her hugs, her calm. I suddenly feel like I can't breathe. My chest tightens and I rub it, trying to take in deep breaths, but it doesn't help. I tap Saveya on her arm, and she pulls her gaze from Raegal's demonstration. Her smile drops when she looks at me.

"Reya! What's wrong?" She leans into my space and places her hand on my arm.

"Can't…breathe," I tell her as I attempt to suck air into my lungs.

Saveya waves her hand in the air, all the while, stroking up and down my back with her other hand. "Lord Commander! There's something wrong with Reya. She's struggling to breathe."

Raegal leaps over the barrier, and he crouches in front of me and lifts my chin with his finger. He watches as I struggle. "Orym, carry on the class for me. Miss Lockwood isn't feeling well."

Raegal leans down and scoops me up into his arms.

"Take care of her," Saveya begs him, getting to her feet and anxiously checking me over.

"With my life," he assures her before his shadows whip around us and he whisks us away from the training ground. We weave into a room I haven't seen before. And he sits me down on a large comfortable lounge chair and crouches down in front of me.

"You need to slow your heart rate down. Take a big, long breath in," he urges me, demonstrating the action, and I copy him. "And out. And in again, nice and slow and calm, and back out again. Good. Imagine your heart rate slowing and evening out." His shadows seep from his body and they stroke at my chest above my heart and the touch instantly soothes me. "It's okay, Reya. You're safe."

He makes me feel safe. His shadows somehow help to calm and ground me, and my erratically beating heart slows down and levels out. He continues to do the breathing exercises with me until he feels I'm stable.

"Are you feeling better?" he asks me, holding my chin with his fingers. I nod my head, embarrassed. "It was just a panic attack. Happens to the best of us."

I scoff in response and smile. "Bet the mighty Lord Commander has never had one."

With a serious face, he says, "Even I get overwhelmed sometimes."

I study him and realise he's serious. "I thought nothing scared you?"

He smirks and looks off into the room. "Many things cripple me. Guilt, loss, anger. I'm not the emotionless monster I'm made out to be," he pauses and chuckles, "well at least not all of the time."

I react to his smile with one of my own and I clear my throat when he reaches out and tucks a wayward strand of my hair behind my ear. "Talk to me. What brought the panic attack on?"

I suck in a breath. "I guess I got my hopes up that I'd see my brothers tonight. I miss them so much. I've lost everything I know and love. The grief, it overwhelms me sometimes. I miss my mother."

He nods his head and places his hands on my thighs and squeezes them. "I understand. It can come when you least expect it and hit you out of nowhere."

"You've lost someone?" I ask him and he nods his head.

"My brother. He died when I was eleven and losing him left an immense hole in all our lives. The grief…" He sighs and runs a hand across his face. "It never goes, but it gets easier."

I nod my head. I know he is right. When I first lost my dad. I thought I'd never crawl out of the pit of constant pain and loss, but slowly week by week, month by month, there were days when my chest didn't ache as much and days where I smiled.

"How did he die, your brother?" I dare to ask. I expect him to shut down. To frown and tell me it's none of my business.

Raegal sighs and comes and takes the seat next to me, resting his arms on his thighs and looking out of the large arched window at the views across the valley. "He died because of my jealousy. He was always stronger and better than me and I was envious. No matter what I did, I was never as good as him. In my jealousy, I encouraged him to prove himself by slaying a beast from our realm known as a Somak. Before the war it had been a tradition for the eldest son to face a challenge alone and prove himself to be a man. I told him it would make Father proud of him. Later that day he went off on his own to try and kill a Somak, and it cost him his life. It is my fault he died. He never would have done it if I hadn't dared him to and pushed him to prove himself."

"You were a child," I argue, and he shakes his head.

"I was old enough to know better. Every day I get to live, I remind myself that he doesn't. His death tore my family apart. I know that every time my father looks at me, he blames me for the loss of his eldest son. His heir."

I don't know what possesses me, but I reach out and place my hand over his. He looks down at our hands and he turns his over and holds mine. We sit there in silence for a few seconds until he stands and, keeping my hand in his; he tugs me up.

"Let's take you home."

I blink and shake my head. "Wait? You're taking me home? Right now?"

He smiles as he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against the hard plains of his body. "No time like the present."

"But don't you have important commander things to do?" I ask him as his shadows whirl at our feet and creep up our bodies.

"I do," he replies, with a nonchalant bob of his shoulders, "but nothing that can't wait."

I grip at the lapels of his tunic as darkness surrounds us. "Thank you, Raegal. You don't know how much this means to me."

My thoughts are conflicted. I should hate this man before me, but the more time I spend with him, the more I realise that there is so much more to him than the rumours of the cold and ruthless shadow lord. His shadows disperse as quickly as they came and when I look around us, I realise he has shadow weaved us to my home and we're standing in the main room of the house. My eyes dart from one corner to another, taking in all the familiar things such as the empty amethyst crystal vase on the dining table and my mother's rocking chair by the fire.

Home.

I step out of his hold and find myself walking towards the front door where my mother's shawl hangs on a hook. I pick it up and bring it to my nose and inhale. Her familiar scent surrounds me and soothes the pain in my heart. Raegal remains quiet, allowing me to have this moment, and I am eternally grateful for it.

"Shall we see your brothers?"

I nod my head, a big smile breaking out on my face, and he responds with a smile of his own that has all other thoughts fleeing from my brain. I shake my head and reach for the front door. He comes up behind me, his hand on my lower back, and I don't hate it. "Is there a back way we can go? It is probably better if nobody knows we are here. For safety reasons."

He means the rebels. Raegal is here alone without his men, and he is concerned someone could try to take me. Guilt rushes through me. Here he is, giving me this chance to see my brothers, and I am working behind his back to support the rebels. I swallow and I gesture with a bob of my head for him to follow me. We move through the house and out of a door to the back that leads to my mother's workshop. I pause and glance across at the unlit building. It's strange to think that she isn't in there working away. Raegal moves in front of me and opens the gate that leads us out behind my house to the narrow back alleyway that will lead us down to Arkynn's home.

When we reach the back of Arkynn's home, the chimney billows out smoke. Breela is likely inside cooking up a bountiful meal for them all. I glance over at the small wooden swing hanging from the large Shacia tree. I'd spent many hours in this garden as a young girl. That swing has both mine and Ark's initials etched into the seat. I knock twice on the back door before reaching for the handle and letting myself in.

"Hello, anyone home?" I shout into the house as Raegal strides in behind me. I inhale the smell of home-cooked bread.

A head pops around the door frame into the next room.

"I thought I recognised that voice! Reya!" She comes bustling towards us, wiping her hands on her apron. Arms open, she embraces me into a warm hug. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"

I hug her back and grin. "Everything is fine. I was missing my brothers, so the Lord Commander agreed to a quick trip home to see them."

Breela's eyes fall behind me on the large male presence at my back. "Lord Commander, I hope you are well. The boys have just nipped to the bakery with Arik to fetch some cake. You must both sit and eat with us."

"I'm going to decline your kind invite, Mrs Farsworn," Raegal says, placing his hand on my back and urging me further into the house. "I'll leave Eretreya in your safe care and return in two hours to escort her back to the valley. It would be better if no one knows we're here."

Breela nods her head at him. "Of course, it will be our little secret. The boys will be over the moon to see you, Reya. They are doing well, all things considered" Her face sobers. "Naturally, they have good days and bad days. Losing your mother and then having to say goodbye to you, well…it's a lot of change for two young boys to handle." She reaches out her hand and places it on Raegal's arm. "Thank you for allowing her to call. I know it isn't allowed."

Raegal pops a shoulder. "Which is why it is best if no one knows outside of this family." He turns his attention to me. "I'll be back for you in a couple of hours. Promise me you'll stay here and not venture into the village?"

I make a cross with my fingers over my heart. "I promise. I'll stay here. Where will you go, though?" I ask him. If we weren't to be seen, then where was he going to go for the next two hours?

I don't miss the slight smirk he makes. "I'm sure I can entertain myself. You just enjoy yourself and I'll be back for you later." He nods his head in farewell to Breela and then he is strides towards the door and back out into the back alleyway.

We both stare after him a for a beat.

"He sure is handsome."

"Breela! You're a married woman," I chastise.

She laughs and knocks her hip into mine. "I might be married, but that doesn't mean I'm blind and that is one mighty fine man. Shadows or not."

My eyes still linger on where he left. "He's not as bad as the rumours say he is. Anyway!" I clap my hands together. "I hope the twins are back soon. I don't want to lose another minute of my time here with them."

No sooner have the words left my mouth when the front door opens and my two brothers' step into the house.

"Corym, Elian!" I rush towards them. They barely have time to register who is calling them before I sweep them up into my arms.

"Reya! You're here! Elian, Reya's here!" Corym shouts delightedly, squeezing me just as hard as I'm squeezing him.

"I can see that. I'm not blind," Elian grumbles before he turns a huge beaming smile my way and reciprocates my hug. "We've missed you."

I lean back so I can inspect them both, and I playfully ruffle Elian's hair. "I have missed you both, too. So much. Ah, it is good to see you both."

"I thought you couldn't come home," Corym asks as we all pull apart.

I nod my head. "So did I, but it turns out the Lord Commander has some semblance of a heart, and he took pity on me after he beat me in combat class today."

Corym's eyes light up. "You have combat classes? And you've fought against the commander, and you lived to tell the tale." He looks impressed.

I wrinkle my nose. "It was only with wooden weapons. Shame, I'd have liked to have scarred up his pretty face."

My brothers laugh at my confession, and I can't help myself, I pull them both in for another hug. "Mother Crystal, I want to hold you tight and never let go."

Seeing them in the flesh gives me a greater level of assurance than the weekly calls ever could. To touch them and see that they are still smiling means more than anything to me.

"How are you both?" I ask them. "I know you must miss Mother terribly."

The boys are quiet. "We miss you both and we miss our house," Corym says as he places his hand over mine. "But we're proud of you, sister."

I hate this whole situation. I hate that I am not here every day to tuck them into bed and get them up for school. I'm missing out on being there for them because of the Shadow Realm.

"You know I'd have stayed if I could."

Elian slouches his shoulders with a heavy sigh and Breela comes over and reminds them I am doing our village a great service and how I will ensure that the town continues to have crop and clean water to drink.

"What's it like in Shadow Valley? I want to hear all about it," Elian asks, and I suggest we sit down ready for tea whilst I answer their questions.

Time passes by too soon. I tell them all about Shadow Valley and my classes and they laugh when I tell them how much I hate crochet and dance class. They all, of course, ask after Arkynn and I tell them he is doing them proud as a soldier. I wonder what they would say if they knew he was now a member of the rebellion.

The sharp knock on the back door signals that my time is up. I know I shouldn't complain. I am getting far more than the other girls at the mansion are and two hours with my brothers is far better than nothing.

Raegal enters the house and pauses when he takes in us all sitting around the kitchen table, our bellies full and our hearts full of laughter. Something like longing briefly crosses his face before his signature brooding expression is back in place.

"I'm afraid it is time to go."

I nod my head and glance over at my brothers. I commit the image of them into my brain, wanting to treasure this moment and reflect on it when I am miles away and trapped in Shadow Valley. I wrap my arms around their shoulders as they sit on either side of me and kiss the top of their heads. "Now you continue being good boys for Breela and Arik, and watch out for each other, okay?"

"We will and you make sure you beat the Lord Commander the next time you fight him," Elian tells me, glancing over at Raegal and grinning.

Raegal arches a brow at me and smirks. "She can try."

Breela comes over and pulls me into a farewell hug and offers me a dish covered with a cloth. "Wrenbry pie, to remind you of home."

I take the pie from her and thank her and Arik for everything they are doing for my brothers, then I make my way over to Raegal, who has remained waiting over by the door. I take one last look at my brothers and wave farewell before we head outside into the evening sun. We walk in silence to my childhood home as I battle with the waves of thought and emotions rushing over me.

"Thank you," I say, glancing his way as we walk side-by-side. "It meant so much being able to see them and hold them."

Raegal studies my face and nods his head. "It's nothing."

I pause in my steps, and he stops and waits for me to speak.

"It isn't nothing. You didn't need to do this, but you did, and it means so much." I take a step forward and, leaning up on my tiptoes, I place a kiss on his cheek. He blinks as if surprised then we carry on down the back streets to my home.

We shadow weave back to my room in the mansion, and both of us are awkwardly silent. Has our relationship entered a new phase of mutual acceptance? Raegal clears his throat and pulls his hand from my waist. I realise I still have my arms wrapped around his neck and I swiftly remove them and take a step back, putting some distance between us.

"Will you be in trouble with Moryen for this?"

Raegal scoffs and shrugs his shoulders. "I'm the Lord Commander. I don't have to play by Moryen's rules." He must see my apprehension. "Don't worry, I'll smooth it over with her and make sure there are no repercussions for you."

"Yes, I'd rather not be on her shit list again," I say with a grimace.

Raegal looks towards the door. "Well, I should be going. Until tonight."

"Until tonight," I say in agreement, and I watch as he pauses.

"That reminds me, where did you say your mother came from? Was it the north district?"

I stare at him, confused by his question. "I don't recall you ever asking me where she was from. Why do you ask?"

He shrugs his wide shoulders in response and offers me a tight smile. "Have I not? Just curious, that's all. Well, I should go."

I nod my head and we both hold each other's gaze for what seems like an age before he clears his throat and strides from my room without a backward glance.

I throw myself down onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling. What was that? Did I think he was going to kiss me? And more disturbing than that thought—had I wanted him to kiss me?

I roll over and plant my face in my pillow, groaning into it.

What is happening to me?