Chapter Six

The Tale of the Mashed Potatoes (part two)

The thing is, do-gooders can't succeed in a place like Hell.

No, really, it's in our bylaws.

I'm not sure where they even learned about cupcakes and sprinkles, but they did, and they brought in so many to try and tempt us with.

Do you have any idea how terrifying a pink sparkly cupcake is when you're used to the food served in Hell?

I'm not saying they made me scream and pee a little in terror, but I'm not not saying that either.

Somebody got sent down here that wasn't supposed to.

No doubt it was someone's idea of a practical joke, to send a second-grade teacher that enjoyed baking in their spare time to Hell, because she caused so much chaos that her arrival is literally a national holiday now.

So, this disgustingly well-meaning person got sent to Hell, which now that I think about it must have been incredibly inconvenient for them, too, and after a few measly days of being screamed at by their personal evil overlord, she started trying to recruit for her cause.

The whole thing was odd. I recognized some of my fellow demons in the mob, but they were laughing. They thought they were being hilarious, trying to fight for pay for all our hard work and “fair” working conditions.

Lucie (that's short for Lucifer, in case you were wondering) snapped his fingers when he got bored of it all and vaporized the lot of them, which, really, what else were they expecting? To be sent to Heaven and given a pat on the back and a puppy? No, we torture souls down here. Occasionally completely eradicate their existence, but that’s nearly always well-deserved.

Nearly…

So that whole angry mob hullabaloo meant I had to go several days without my overlord. It was dreadful. And I don’t mean that in the good way, either.

You know what I was forced to do with all those extra hours? I cleaned my toilet. I cleaned my kitchen. I got down on my hands and my knees and I fucking scrubbed my baseboards. Do you know what baseboards are? They’re the fucking worst. You know what else I did in those two days? I cried.

That’s right. Demons cry, bitch.

I know if my evil overlord would have been there, they would have been providing such a nice background sound of all my shortcomings, reminding me how useless I was, and then likely I’d have been scrubbing my ceiling instead. Which is much more important, but I’m so useless without him that I seem to find the stupidest things to do with my time when he’s gone.

I never wanted to be that man again; the man who starts to think he might be nice. So, I recorded all kinds of personal slurs, so that even if my overlord has to take a break or a day off, all I have to do is turn to my phone to be insulted. That's the condition when I do with my best work, really.

When everything got settled back to normal, I was sent on a special mission topside. It took several days of briefing to get all my information, and several days after that to prepare myself.

I found out there were some souls there trying to cheat their way out of hell. That’s so stupid if you ask me, because where else are you going to find such a good spa that will remove your toenails with diamond encrusted tweezers? You can’t find service like that just anywhere.

I’d heard the word love before. Didn’t understand it, but I’d heard it.

Well, there was this man who thought himself very highly evolved. He had gone around bargaining with people stronger than him, trying to find out the secrets to immortality. He said he needed to live forever, so that he could live his legacy.

Fine, whatever.

The problem is, he was dealing with a witch who had some very peculiar tastes and ideas that went completely against our demon king, Lucie.

She was also madly in love with this cheat, but I'm not sure how that's at all important.

Ah, fuck. It's walk across hot coals night, and I just remembered. My buddies will never let me live it down if I skip. I'm certain you have enough information to hold you over for now.

Until next time.