Chapter 67

Charlie

I couldn’t sleep.

Millie was passed out in her hospital bed while Noah was slumped back in a chair and Knox was propped up in a corner of the room. The nurses had threatened to kick us out, but the threat of all three of us sleeping in a nearby waiting room was enough to have them relenting. I couldn’t leave, couldn’t take my eyes off the two of them. Millie was so damn strong during the entire birth, and our baby… I had to lock my muscles down, pacing back and forth to stop myself from moving forward and taking another look.

She was perfect.

I’m pretty sure every parent felt the same. I hoped they did. A desperate, bone deep need to protect this tiny little person beat in my chest, and that had me leaning against the wall, watching the two of them. Millie and the baby were safe, but some deep instinct felt like that was only the case while I kept watch. I shook my head, knowing how ridiculous that was, and that’s when I felt my pocket buzzing. It took seconds for me to work out why it would do that before I pulled out my phone.

How’s it going?

Just one simple text from my sister and that’s all it took to remember we’d come here as a cast of thousands, everyone invested in the outcome of this pregnancy. I looked back at Millie, smiling at the faint whistle of her breath, before jerking myself to my feet and walking down the hallway.

The numbers had thinned. The boys had gone back to the fire station, which made sense. They’d already be in the shit for the stunt they pulled today. Being away from base when they were needed would only make that worse. Jamie and her fellas were slumped in a corner, having a snooze, Heather and Angus held hands as they did the same, but Astrid stood up as soon as she saw me and walked over.

“How’re you feeling?” She was trying to keep it under control, but I saw the cracks in her calm facade. “How’s Millie? Is she OK? Tell me she’s not still in labour.”

“Not in labour.” I could barely squeeze that out, my throat closing up. My big sister’s face crumpled then, her hand going to my arm. She gave it a quick squeeze and then nodded for me to continue. “Millie was fucking amazing. I don’t know how she got through that, but she did. I don’t think I want her to go through that again, though.”

Astrid smiled.

“No one does just after the birth, but…” She shook her head. “After a few years, the memories fade and it all starts to seem like a good idea again. And the baby? Your little girl?”

“She’s…” My throat worked and I tried to get it out, all that I was feeling, but it was too big, too vast, for mere words. “She’s…”

I mutely pleaded for Astrid to understand and something in her expression made it clear she did. For just a moment, the chasm that sometimes felt like it existed between her and me collapsed and we stood on the same side.

“She’s perfect,” Astrid said finally, tears making her eyes shine. “Of course, she is. She’s your little girl.”

“She’s my little girl,” I croaked out, right before grabbing my sister in a hug. “She’s so tiny and I can’t relax because I keep thinking that if I do, something will happen to her, even though I know it won’t.”

“Welcome to parenthood, little brother,” she said. “It’s a weird place full of paranoia and anxiety.”

“You are not selling me on this,” I told her.

“I don’t have to.” She pulled back and stared into my eyes. “She did. Now all you can do is try not to fuck things up. You will, we all do.”

“Is this you admitting that you make mistakes?” I asked, trying for my usual banter, but my delivery was off. My voice was shaky, my own eyes filling, and to my horror, a tear slipped free. She shook her head and then reached up to brush it away.

“Everyone does, Charlie, it's how you make amends that matters.”

“Charlie…?”

Heather woke up with a start, blinking when she saw the two of us, then nudging Angus. He snorted and then glanced around, his response creating a chain reaction. Jamie and her guys woke up as well, and then they all came clustering closer.

“Is Millie still in labour?”

“How’s she doing? Is she OK? I know she didn’t want pain relief, but if she’s still in labour?—”

“What about the baby? How’s the baby? Do they have a foetal heart monitor on?”

Astrid smiled, giving my arm one last squeeze before pulling away. She picked up her bag and walked out, no doubt to pick up her boys from our parent’s place.

“Our little girl was born…” I looked at my phone. “About an hour ago. Millie is fine. She was more than fine really. She was amazing.” I watched every single one of their faces light up at the news. “The baby is a healthy eight and a half pounds.”

“Oh, she’s a big girl,” Heather said, clasping her hands to her chest.

“She would be with dads like this,” Brock said, eyeing me off. “Maybe you need to look at finding a smaller bloke as a sperm donor if you intend to have any more kids.”

“More kids?” Angus spluttered. “I’m not sure my ticker can cope with this one.” Then he thrust his hand out. I just stared at it for a second, the part of my brain that understood social rituals offline. Belatedly, I remembered I needed to shake it. He gave it a good squeeze and then pulled me close into one of those hearty, backslapping hugs. “Well done, mate. Well done. Tell that daughter of mine congratulations, and the minute she’s up for a visit, we’ll be there and…” I felt his chest heave. “That I love her and I’m glad she made it through this in one piece.”

Me too, I thought as he pulled away. After that, it was hugs and handshakes all round, but that felt wrong somehow. I hadn’t done anything but stand around and give back rubs, but when Jamie spoke, it started to make sense.

“Tell Millie whatever she needs…” Her voice shook and Hayden wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Anything at all, I’m there. I will always be there for her. I’ll even…” She went a little white. “I’ll clean up poopy nappies if that’s what she needs.”

“She knows that,” I said, but the determined gleam in Jamie’s eyes shone brighter. “And I’ll make sure to tell her.”

“Keep an eye on her water intake.” Heather was in mumma bear mode. “Make sure she’s having enough. Have a bottle of water, a cup of tea, something beside her at all times.”

“Stop bossing the boy around,” Angus said.

“Nope.” I smiled then and once I started, I just couldn’t stop. “I like bossy women, that way I know what they actually want rather than trying to guess. Hit me with it, Heather.”

And she did, listing off all the things we needed to do to ensure Millie was properly looked after during the recovery period.

So we did.

The next day we were discharged, the walk to the car surreal. We’d come here as four separate people it felt, but now… I looked over as Knox opened up the car and Noah fussed with the baby seat, making sure it was secure as Millie stared down at our daughter’s face, completely in love. Now we were a family.

A family with a very demanding new member.

It felt like we’d only just gone down to sleep when Bubba’s wails had my head jerking up off the pillow. Millie moved, then groaned, and that had me shifting. We’d decided to keep Bubs in the side sleeper, close to the bed. Millie started patting around blindly for the baby, still half asleep, so I reached over and collected our daughter up, tucking her into her mum’s side.

“Mm… thanks.”

Millie looked tired, so tired, but she was a freaking machine, shifting so the baby could get into a good position to feed, letting out a sigh when our girl latched on. My head fell back onto the pillow, partially lulled back into sleep by the sound of her little grunts. The sun was up, birds were singing, and I could dimly hear the sounds of the street from outside our window, but it was all a comforting hum as I rolled over and pressed a kiss to Millie’s neck.

Let me stay just like this, I thought, knowing that if this moment stretched out to forever, I could die a happy man. Everything felt right with the world. My sighs, Millie’s, even the guys’, all combined together in this soft haze.

But babies aren’t really fond of peace and quiet. They’re too busy surviving to be concerned with such things, so when she popped free of Millie’s breast, she let out a wail that had me sitting up in bed.

“She needs changing…” Millie groaned, ready to get up, but I vaulted over her, landing on my feet beside the bed.

“I’ve got this,” I told her.

“You sure?” Millie’s eyes opened just a crack, the skin around them looking as thin as crepe paper.

“I got this, babe.”

I collected up our little girl and then pressed a kiss to her mother’s forehead, and then I carried her down the hall to the nursery, feeling that her nappy was indeed heavier. This was one thing I could do. I’d changed plenty of the boys’ nappies when they were little.

“Didn’t I?” I cooed as our daughter’s arm’s flailed. “Yes, I did, baby. I made sure they were all nice and clean and dry.”

She obviously couldn’t understand a thing I was saying, but the animated tone always seemed to help settle kids. I watched her arms still and for just a moment it felt like she looked at me, saw her dad. She didn’t, logically, I knew that, but… I felt a moment of connection and that seemed to summon the others. As I finished up the nappy change and then swaddled Bubs back up in a new wrap, they appeared in the doorway.

“You’re… gonna have to teach me how to do that,” Knox said, looking uncomfortable.

“Swaddling?” I asked.

“All of it.”

“Couldn’t exactly look up YouTube tutorials on nappy changing,” Noah admitted with a flush.

I tucked Bubs in against my chest, patting her back over and over until she let out a big burp, then seemed to sink into me.

“I can do that.” I grinned then, feeling that light that burned inside me since the moment she was born get brighter. “Astrid made sure I knew my way around a baby when it was clear Bill was going to be useless. I can run a daddy boot camp.”

Knox stared at me steadily, and for a second I thought he was going to bite my head off, but instead he thrust his hand out.

“Deal.”