Chapter 29

Knox

I was keeping a lid on it all until she showed up.

“Just…” I started walking away from my team, needing some air, some fucking space. “I’m getting a coffee. You know what to do.”

They did and I had to trust that they would get on with it, because I couldn’t supervise, couldn’t stay here, couldn’t bloody breathe. It was a one night stand, I told myself, trying to be as tough on my dumb self as I had been Noah. It meant nothing. Just a bit of fun, a roll in the hay, a…

So why didn’t it feel like that?

I walked into the break room and couldn’t even remember how I got here, blinking at the coffee machine. Get it to-fucking-together, I told myself. I boiled the kettle and spooned in the grounds, but the actions didn’t take any kind of thought. My brain was all too ready to occupy itself with thoughts of Millie. Her running towards the fire like a bloody idiot. The way she felt in my arms. That red dress. Her smile as she slid into my lap. Kissing me like she fucking meant it, even though she obviously didn’t, the memories flashed faster and faster until I heard a sharp whistle. The kettle, not steam coming out of my ears. I shook my head and flicked the switch to turn it off. I’d poured coffee into a mug often enough too, but apparently hadn’t had enough practise. I was still caught in the past when the black liquid filled the cup, then overflowed.

“Shit!” I looked around me madly, then spied a roll of paper towel. A wad of it helped mop up the bloody mess I’d made. The second for today, a sneaky voice inside my head told me. I’d been too rough on Noah. At least the bloke was holding out hope rather than whatever the fuck this was.

Despair.

My mind rebelled at that label, but when the shoe fits… That was the only way to describe it. I was so damn lonely. I had friends and people I played footy with and blokes I could have a beer with at the pub, but every single one of those interactions was always a surface level thing. I wanted more. Something real, something intense and deep and perfect. Something that would set my heart on fire because nothing else in my life did. I shook my head at the stupidity of that and then threw the paper towel in the bin before going to the fridge.

Only to find an empty milk container stuck in there.

“Fuck!”

A station full of blokes? We were not good at making sure things like milk were bought, so a lot of people drank black coffee. I dropped the plastic bottle in the bin and then turned and stormed out the door. It didn’t have to be like this. We could set up a system to have milk delivered so then if I wanted a bloody white coffee, I could have one. Gareth could have his massive bowls of cereal, and Rhett could fill up his protein shaker with all the milk he liked. It wasn’t that hard…

Of course, all purchases made by staff had to be done through admin and that’s where my feet had carried me.

I stood in the doorway just staring.

“This is a… complex system,” Millie said, staring at the screen.

“It’s a shit show.” Judy laughed. “It’s not too late to back out of this job, y’know. Oof…” She arched her back and rubbed at it. “Though, please don’t.”

“Are you OK?” That concern, Millie had to be faking it, right? “Do you need something? A drink, painkillers, a massage?”

“Oh honey, don’t go offering massages.” Judy waved her hand. “I’ll have you working on my back, feet, hips, shoulders?—”

“Everything hurts?” Millie asked.

“You have no idea.”

“And how much longer have you got?” She ran her eyes down Judy’s pregnant form. “It can’t be long, right?”

“Three months.”

That came out as a groan as Judy straightened up.

“Oh my god, you’re gonna have to go through this for another three months!?” My jaw clamped down, ready to read Millie the riot act for her insensitivity, but she quickly recovered. “What the hell am I saying? I’m so sorry. That was freaking rude.”

“Haven’t had kids yet?” Judy smiled but she looked so tired. I knew we needed to get someone before this to take over her job.

Someone I hadn’t stuck my dick in.

“Um… no, not yet.” I expected a lot of things, but not the red staining Millie’s cheeks. She looked almost embarrassed by the admission. “I mean, I want to.”

Just not with me. Why the hell did that sting? I barely knew Millie. She could be a terrible mother, one who dealt with her partner leaving her by going out with a string of deadshits and forcing her child to call each one step-dad, just like my mother had.

“You look amazing by the way,” Millie continued. “Your hair’s all shiny and your skin is incredible.”

“There are some benefits at least.” Judy stroked her fingers through her hair. “This is the thickest it's ever been.”

“Mine’s always been thin and mousey.” Millie shot her a shy smile, twisting her finger through her long bob. “Maybe I just have to get pregnant to have decent hair.”

Fuck.

I could just see it. Judy was like an annoying little sister, but transposing her swollen form on Millie hit totally differently. The same curves that filled my hands that night swelled into something that had my dick punching against my zipper. Her tits would get bigger, that peach of an arse becoming something even curvier and her belly… I shook my head, the voice of the presenter about sexual harassment clear in my head.

This was not an appropriate train of thought for work.

I cleared my throat and the women looked up, each with different reactions. Millie looked like a deer caught in someone’s headlights, and I sucked in the moment her mask slipped, because it helped reassure me that I wasn’t the only one struggling with it. Judy, however, smiled and waved me in.

“This is Knox. Did you meet…? Oh shit, yeah, at the Christmas party. So, what can I do for the fire service’s grumpiest firefighter?”

“Not grumpy,” I said on automatic. She grinned, making clear I’d just proved her point. “Look, Jude, we need to put in a recurring milk order. I went to make a coffee, and there was nothing in the fridge. Gareth?—”

“Thinks he’s the original Weet-Bix kid?” Judy finished for me, before turning to Millie. “OK, I think now’s time to show me what you’ve learned. If Knox wants to have a crate of milk delivered each week to the station, what’s the process?”

Millie stared at the screen, not me, forcing me to shove my hands in my pockets, lest I reach down and tilt her eyes my way.

Look at me.

There was something primal in that impulse, perhaps because I had plenty of her attention before and now I couldn’t even get a sidelong glance. From checking me out at the party, to looking at me like I was a hero the night of the fire, I seemed to be going downhill in her eyes, and part of me freaking hated it.

“Find a suitable supplier on the procurement database,” Millie said, her hand moving the mouse. “Look for milk under food and perishables.” She scrolled swiftly. “These are all general wholesalers… Hang on, this is a major dairy supplier.” She finally looked my way. “Would the Fleurieu Milk Company work for you?”

“Um… yeah.” She was staring up at me and that’s what I came up with? I forced myself to nod. “Yep, they do a good drop.”

“See, his bark is worse than his bite.” Judy nudged Millie. “But they’re all the same. They come storming in here as if their arses are on fire, but if you get them what they want, they calm down real quick. Hot heads, every single one of them.” The two women shared a smile. “Now, do a draft purchase order but don’t send it in for approval yet because I have to pee again.”

“That’s another side effect of pregnancy?”

Millie seemed very interested in what Judy was going through, or was that just an attempt to build rapport? Judy nodded sharply before trying to lever herself out of the chair. Finally having something to do, I moved forward, supporting her arm and her back as she got to her feet.

“You don’t need to do that.” Judy was always an easy-going presence, but being pregnant made her understandably irritable. She softened her words for a smile. “But I appreciate it when you do. You’re a good boy, Knoxy.”

She patted my arm before waddling forward.

“It takes a little bit to get to know everyone here,” she said over her shoulder, “but you’ll find they’re good guys. Every single one of them would bend over backwards to make life easier for you.”

But when she left the room, an awkward silence filled it. Millie jerked her eyes down comically fast, her fingers flying over the keyboard. Doing her job, I concluded, while avoiding me.

People said I called a spade a spade, and I’d need to do that here I realised. I’d stormed into the break room, cracked the shits because there wasn’t milk, but that wasn’t the issue. Closure, part of me wanted it, needed it, with every breath in my body, but I was well used to not getting it. Instead, I needed to do my damn job and let Millie do hers, and there was only one way to do that.

“Can we?—?”

“Oh, hello, Knox.” Brent walked out with a sheaf of papers. “Everything alright?”

“Just organising a regular milk order, Boss,” I replied. “The honour system isn’t working.”

“Good plan. I’m bloody sick to death of black coffee in the morning. You’ve got this, Millie?”

“Just making the draft purchase order,” she said. “I’ll get Judy to check it and then send it to you for approval.”

“Good girl.”

Those two words sounded a lot different from him. Brent didn’t pant that out as Millie fought to take his cock, didn’t praise her over and over for the way she was driving all three of us out of our minds. I wanted more, always wanted more, the few girlfriends I’d had telling me I was too damn demanding each time, but if I was to enjoy what happened, I had to take it for what the night was. Something hot, something I wouldn’t soon forget.

But also something that wouldn’t be repeated.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it. Knox, can you get the teams in the conference room in thirty minutes? We’ve got a new briefing from head office.”

“You got it,” I said as he wandered out the door to set up.

I listened to the sound of Millie typing before I said what I had to.

“Can I have a quick word?” I looked around me, hearing Judy’s voice coming from down the hallway. “At lunch or after work?”

Millie looked up, staring for way too long, but all I could do was stare right back, noting the flare of amber around the brown pupil, bleeding into the blue. She realised this wasn’t professional before I did, breaking the spell by shaking her head and smiling.

“Um… sure.”

I opened my mouth to say thanks, but Judy walked in the door.

“How’d you go?”

Millie had work to do and so did I, so I left to get right on it, but each step was somehow lighter. Why? I think it was because I’d gotten about as much closure as I was going to get. If Millie was into me, she’d have made contact before now. She definitely wouldn’t have taken this bloody job. If she could be professional, so could I. We’d clear the air and move on.

Just because I hadn’t connected with Millie didn’t mean there was no one out there interested in something more long term. With a whistle, I carried my black coffee into the appliance bay and rounded up everyone for the meeting.