Chapter 28

Millie

Tell them.

That’s what I said to myself over and over once I got home from the family Christmas. Tell them, tell them, tell them. It was enough to get my phone out, to navigate over to my contacts, but… not much else. I looked at Noah’s message, then Charlie’s, and pussied out.

At first, I was just in denial, stress cleaning because apparently I couldn’t have a baby unless my tile grout was perfectly clean. Then I started to Google furiously the different ingredients in cleaning products, sure I was somehow harming my child in the very early days of my pregnancy. That sent me down a rabbit hole I didn’t emerge from for days, but when I did, I was faced with the same reality.

I needed to call each man and let them know what was happening.

It was like notifying a sexual partner of a STD. I winced at the idea of my child being perceived as an infection, but I guess that tracked. It was what I assumed was an unwanted side effect of a fun night, and that had me nestling down on my couch. I wrapped the blankets around me, creating a nest as I cradled my stomach, because I knew what I was doing.

Protecting myself.

Protecting us–that correction hit deeper. From my frenzied research I had gleaned that babies can hear what was happening beyond the womb. The fact my child didn’t have a skull, let alone ears, didn’t dissuade me. I needed to keep him or her from hearing the words.

What’re you telling me this for? Or worse, What do you want me to do about it?

Nothing , I argued with imaginary Knox, Charlie, or Noah. I want nothing more than to just fulfil this duty. You’re only a father if you want to be.

Then I moved from denial to anger.

They could reject me all they liked. I didn’t care, I’d already rejected them, but my child? I scowled at the television, not seeing the stupid reality TV show, but them. This was a tiny little baby. Who could reject a child that needed them? If they didn’t have the balls to step up, then they didn’t deserve a second of my time. I marinated in that anger until finally I remembered that I hadn’t asked them anything because I didn’t have the balls to make three damn calls.

This was when I began to bargain.

I could have a lovely double-coated Tim Tam biscuit if I made the call, or a walk on the beach. A walk on a beach covered with Tim Tams, but nothing had my hand moving towards my phone. People rang and I just let the phone go to message bank, glancing at the screen to see who it was, but nothing more. If I touched it, then I’d have to do it.

Singing “do it” over and over in my head didn’t work. Pretending to be Shia Leboeuf and screeching, “Just do it!” like the meme also didn’t help. Dancing to YMCA and forming the words “do it” badly instead of the usual movements failed to provide results. I let my phone battery go flat, silencing the phone calls and allowing me to sink into a strange kind of timelessness.

I only knew it was New Year’s when I heard the dim crackle of fireworks going off in the distance. A sharp knock at the door, then a key being pushed into it, let me know when the cocoon I’d wrapped around myself was about to be ripped away, because my door opened and in stumbled Jamie.

“So you are still alive.” I smiled weakly at her from within my pillow fort. “And you’ve created a nest. Shit, you’re in a bad way.”

“Am not,” I growled.

She plucked the remote from my limp fingers, then turned off the TV show as Hunter came walking in through the door carrying a bag of tasty smelling takeaway. My stomach rumbled ominously.

“You always do this,” Jamie said. “You get yourself all worked up and then freeze everyone else out.” She looked back at Hunt. “I told you we should’ve come by before this.”

“And I told you that we should respect Millie’s boundaries.” He put his hands on his hips as he regarded her steadily. “And treat her like a grown adult, not a thing or a possession, as you so astutely pointed out before.”

“That was when you were menacing the potential father of her child.” Jamie looked back at me. “So, is this the whole impending motherhood thing? Because that would have me rocking in a corner, nearly comatose too.”

“I’m not nearly comatose.”

So why did it hurt so much to move? Blood rushed back to extremities, making me wobbly legged and uncomfortable as I got that pins and needles feeling. Hunter surged forward and took my arm, escorting me over to the dining table.

“Did you want some pad Thai?” He talked to me in the patronising tone people used with very small children. “It’s yummy.”

“Hate you,” I growled, but my stomach made much the same noise as I dragged the takeaway containers closer. “Oh my god, chicken satays.”

“A double serving.” Jamie smiled as she pushed the other box my way.

“I was going to have some of them.” Hunt reached for a satay, but I hunched over the box, baring my teeth. “Holy shit, Mills, this baby thing is making you feral.”

No, just scared. I couldn’t seem to regret anything about his or her conception, but it put me in a space I never wanted to be: facing down inevitable rejection. I chewed on my satay, the flavours of the peanut sauce exploding in my mouth. I ate another and another, then pushed some Hunter’s way.

“Thanks for that.” He snatched them away before I could change my mind, then looked at Jamie. “What?”

“We’re here for Millie, remember?”

A long look had my brother shifting uncomfortably in his seat, and he tried to focus on the food, but Jamie pulled it from his grip. He sighed and then licked his fingers clean.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” I perked up immediately, because those two words and my brother did not go together at all.

“I’m sorry, OK?” He forced himself to look at me and it felt like all of our history was there on the table between us. “You know I love you, you little shit.”

“Um… thanks?” I croaked.

“And as some people at this table can attest.” His arm snaked around Jamie’s waist. “Sometimes I’m kinda crappy at showing it. Haybale and me, we shouldn’t have gotten into Noah’s face. He came to see you, not us. We were just… a bit worked up at the time. We warned him to keep away from you at school?—”

“What?”

Both Jamie and I interrupted him then and his cheeks flushed red under his tan, making clear the mistake he’d made. He shot me, then his girlfriend, a look before being forced to forge on.

“Um… so in summary?—”

“Back the fuck up, Cuntface,” I said, waving a finger in the air. “What was that last part?”

“So—”

“I think withholding sex as a weapon is a really shitty thing to do in a relationship,” Jamie said, “but I can and will do it in this situation. Spill, Hunter.”

“Right, right.” He sucked in a breath, then let it out in a huff. “We may have told Noah to keep the fuck away from you when you were at that party.”

No, no, he didn’t. He couldn’t have. My own bloody brother couldn’t have been the reason for this pathological fear of being rejected. At the very least, he would’ve stepped forward when I embarrassed myself in front of the whole school, hassling Noah for closure.

Wouldn’t he?

My baby was barely the size of an olive, but whatever hormonal conditions made it possible for them to grow were messing with my head. I sniffled, tried to hold that back, then bark-sobbed, making a horrendous sound.

“What the fuck, Hunt?” Jamie pulled away from him and went straight to me. “Millie, I didn’t know. I’d have kicked their arses if I knew, seriously. Like when they tried dating me, I would’ve said absolutely not, you arseholes.”

“You would’ve missed out on hot monkey sex with three guys for me?” I asked, blinking through tears, and she nodded. That was it. I threw myself at her, sobbing into her shoulder.

This wasn’t hormones or the changes in my body. This was a pain held onto for years. The wound scabbed over but never really healed, due to the infection that lay beneath. I cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left to pull away and try and get my shit together.

“Fuck…” If I wanted contrition, I got it then. My brother looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “Hell, Mills, if I knew you were that into him, we would’ve never stepped in. We thought he was just like all the other little fuckheads trying to take advantage of a girl.”

“Like you did when you were at school.”

I ground that out, my voice feeling like it came from the depths of hell, not my throat.

“Yeah.” He looked around sheepishly. “Like we did. I… didn’t want that for you.”

I got to my feet, grabbing my phone, but it was still on charge, forcing me to instead just stare at it. All the internal dialogues I’d had with that screen over the days meant nothing because I didn’t have all the facts. Noah didn’t reject me so much as was cowed by my brothers’ bullshit, like the rest of the school.

So what did that mean?

I asked myself that over and over, long after the two of them left, but of course it was then I realised I had work tomorrow. I ironed my clothes, showered and shaved everything, and went to bed early, snuggling down under the doona to sleep. For a long time, I just played it over in my mind, that night.

In this new version, I let Jamie stagger off into the bushes to vomit on her own, because I knew my brothers would be here shortly. They went and made sure she was OK, while I… I leaned in closer and so did Noah, and I knew now how that would go, because we’d already done it. As I fell into sleep, I felt the brush, then the insistent presence, of Noah’s lips against mine. In my dreams, we redid everything that happened that night and more.

And not just the two of us.

Hope made me horny apparently, because in my dreams, I felt each one of them draw closer. And because this wasn’t real, they did exactly what I needed. They listened as I told them about our child and then… each one of them showed me exactly how happy they were to become a father and my partner.

The next morning, I woke up bleary eyed in response to my alarm. I was out of bed on automatic, scarfing down an impromptu breakfast of cold pad Thai, and then moving my arse to the fire station. Wearing business wear felt weird considering the last time I was here, but fake it before you make it, that was my new motto.

“Millie!” Brent was the one waiting for me by the massive roller doors this time. “Welcome. Now I know the boys gave you a bit of a tour, but I’m betting they just offered to let you put the sirens on rather than showed you where the facilities are. Come through and I’ll introduce you to the team as we go.”

I followed hot on his heels, as if the big man was a shield between me and the reality I had to face. I’d have every intention of talking to the guys, getting the whole pregnancy announcement done before I arrived at work. Things would be awkward, but we were all professionals. Once I explained that I didn’t need anything from them other than their silence about the baby, everyone could move on.

But I hadn’t.

Instead, I’d let myself wallow in this weird pit of misery, letting the days pass by until opportunity turned into necessity.

“So you’ve seen the appliance bay before.” Of course, it had to be them I was introduced to first. God, I’d have taken Dave over any one of the guys, let alone all three. Knox straightened up, and was his frown always that intimidating? I didn’t know, but it sure as shit was now. His arms crossed his chest, giving major back-off vibes. Charlie was smiling before he saw me, but that faded and something wary replaced it. And Noah, he shifted closer, taking a step involuntarily, and I just wanted him to keep on coming. Close the gap, connect.

Choose me.

Instead, the phone he was holding fell to the ground with a crack.

“Boys, you remember Millie McDonald.” Brent sounded warm and calm and normal. “She’s our new admin hire.”