Chapter 25

Millie

We were doing so well.

All the food was cooked and there was way too much of it. The boys complimented us on our efforts and we did the same. Paper Christmas bonbons were tugged and their cracks filled the air as we pulled out those stupid tissue paper hats and donned them. Dumb jokes were read out, and Hunter lined up all the plastic toys that were inside. Food was passed around, and I mostly moved it right along. It all looked delicious, but that cluster of cells I was growing and I needed to have a talk because Mumma needed some food at some point.

Something Dad noted.

“Not hungry, love?”

Uh oh, dad mode had been activated. He was slower on the uptake than Mum, but much more persistent. He’d wait outside my door or pester me until I fessed up about what was going wrong at school when I was a kid.

“Just a bit seedy.”

I shot him a rakish smile, then focussed real hard on sipping some orange juice Mum had poured into a flute. Citrussy, sweet and sour, so far so good. I drank that down greedily, feeling like my stomach was beginning to settle again.

“Another?” Dad asked, then turned to the twins. “Get your sister another mimosa.”

“Her legs aren’t broken,” Hunter said, focussing on slicing into his lamb chop until he felt Dad’s steely gaze burning into the side of his face. “Fine.” He jerked himself away from the table. “I’ll get it, even though I spent hours sweating over a hot barbeque.”

“I made the potato salad,” I countered quickly and the rest of the table groaned.

“I cooked those bloody prawns you were supposed to devein and didn’t,” he shot back.

“I bought all the ingredients Mum forgot to order from the shops, battling last minute Christmas shoppers for the last bunch of parsley.”

“I came around yesterday, cleaned the pool, mowed the lawns, and did the leaf blowing.”

His cocky smile seemed to indicate he thought he’d won, but that wasn’t how it worked.

“I let you have kinky sex orgies with my best friend every night.”

Balled up paper napkins and destroyed bonbons were tossed my way as everyone groaned.

“OK, that’s worth me getting you a drink.” Hunter’s admission tasted like sweet, sweet victory to me.

“That’s all I’m worth?” Jamie spluttered. “A glass of OJ?”

“More.” Oh my god, gag. He swept in and started murmuring sweet nothings in my best friend’s ear. “So much more. I’d pluck the most perfect orange from a Sevillian orchard and have it squeezed between the thighs of virgins to create a perfect glass of OJ for my sister to drink, and that still wouldn’t be enough to thank her for the gift of you.”

Hunter was being a cheesy dick, but as I sat back in my chair, I felt a little pang. I tried very hard not to imagine my stupid brothers and Jamie together most days, but right now I wondered. What would it be like to have my own guy or guys saying corny shit just to make me laugh?

How the hell did I end up feeling lonely in the midst of my family?

There was so much love here, that was clear. I saw it in the way my dad made sure Mum had all the things she liked on her plate, then thanked her for all her efforts. Then there were the boys hovering over Jamie until she told them to quit. Drinks were refilled on automatic because the men in my family, they looked after the ones they loved.

Even Hunter.

My glass was set down in front of me with a flourish by my brother, but right when I went to thank him, he plonked the bottle of OJ down beside it.

“Get your own next time,” he grumbled.

“Thanks, dickhead,” I shot back.

“Butt face.”

“Wanker.”

We went on in this juvenile fashion until I took a sip of my drink and then recoiled.

“What did you do?” Jamie glared at Hunter. “You didn’t put vinegar in her drink again, did you?”

“Um… no.” I felt like an idiot, but I was up and on my feet, ready to pour it out. “Wine.”

“Oh…” Mum looked alarmed, which was not very discreet of her, something that caught Dad’s attention. “Just toss it on the grass then.”

“Tossing away good wine?” Dad spluttered, then nodded to me. “Hair of the dog, best thing for a hangover.”

“Not this kind,” I informed him with a tight smile, following Mum’s instructions.

“That’s what you usually do.” Shit, shit, shit, Brock’s curiosity was piqued, and he was worse than Dad. “Often you get drunker than you did the night before.”

“The cycle of life,” I replied, sitting down and trying to pour myself a straight juice. My hands shook for some reason, but we could blame that on the DT’s, couldn’t we?

“Have a beer then.”

Hayden produced a can from the esky and pushed it towards me.

“Um… can we talk about the alcoholic enabling in this family, because it's really dysfunctional.” I pushed it back. “I can have a dry Christmas without it being a huge deal.”

“Except you haven’t since you turned eighteen.”

Shit, now Hunter was on the trail. I’d just been romanticising how attentive my family was, but this was the down side. People that cared, that noticed what was going on with you, also noted when things changed, whether you wanted them to or not. They also investigated why.

Not now, not yet, that’s what my heart beat. We were having a nice Christmas dinner only moments ago. I needed us to get back to that. I loved my dad, my brothers, but sometimes all that love was kinda smothering. I couldn’t hear their responses before I’d really worked out how I felt, so I smiled shakily and regarded the table.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just had too much to drink the other night, and I’m not feeling one hundred percent today, so can we just eat?”

No, we couldn’t.

“Is this about one of those idiots you’ve been dating?” Brock asked.

“What idiots?” Dad looked at me, then my brother.

“If he’s hurt you…”

Hayden was the quieter twin, but also the scarier one at times, his intense gaze burning into me.

“Who is it?” Hunter didn’t ask me, knowing he’d get nowhere, but staring at Jamie instead. “Who messed with her this time? Was it the married guy?”

“There’s a married guy?” Dad yelped. “Millie?—”

“There’s no married guy!” Jamie threw her hands up and met my gaze, making clear she wouldn’t be the weakest link. “Just dumb arse dudes on dating apps pretending to be single, but we always snoop their social media profiles before she dates anyone.”

“That’s smart, darling,” Mum said, reaching across the table to grab my hand.

“The only time you go off your food is when you’re dealing with a broken heart.” I hated Brock and his persistence in making everything his business right now. “Remember that idiot? What was his name?”

Don’t say it, don’t say it , I thought furiously.

“Noah.”

Fuck.

I didn’t dare look up, unable to face them down, because Brock was bringing up something I never wanted to revisit.

“You played that bloody song by Gotye over and over.”

“Dun dun dun dun, dundundundundun…” someone started to hum.

“You didn’t come out of your room.”

“You wrote all that poetry.”

I did all the embarrassing things teenage girls do when they feel like their world is collapsing. It didn’t, I didn’t, but that’s not how it felt. I had all this emotion tied up in the idea of Noah, and when it became clear it had nowhere legitimate to go, I had to sit on it, like an emotional bomb my body had to smother.

He broke my heart, I liked to forget that, because it was stupid and cringey and shameful, and I didn’t like myself during that time.

Apparently, neither did my brothers.

I’m not sure if anyone else ever got to me as deep after that. Noah created scar tissue in me that prevented real intimacy. I looked down at my stomach. Now he or one of his friends had put a baby in me, finishing the job. I saw all the dating app profiles where dudes were all like ‘no single mums’ or ‘if he left you and your kid, why should I stay?’ or some crap. If my dating options sucked now, they were going to become non-existent.

But I had a choice.

I didn’t have to do it this way. Mum would help me very quietly, very discreetly make this whole situation go away, and I could go back to trying to find a guy who actually was down to commit to a woman and have kids. Maybe one with a safe government job like Mum always wanted.

I sighed.

That wasn’t going to work, because I didn’t want it. My brothers’ suddenly smothering attention made clear why I was never all that good in relationships. I became so independent because I was always pushing back against them, trying to create a space for myself to experience things. One that wasn’t safe and secure, but was mine.

And I needed to do the same now.

I sucked in a breath and then stared at the table.

“I’m pregnant.” The initial announcement got lost in the conversations happening frantically around the table, so I picked up my knife and tapped the side of my glass, getting all of their attention. “I’m pregnant.”

“You’re…”

You couldn’t take my dad by surprise often, but when his paper napkin fell from limp fingers, I knew I had now.

“You’re what?” Brock’s snarl was so serious that Jamie was up and out of her seat, putting a warning hand on his shoulder. “When?—?”

“Who?” Hayden cut him off, going straight for the important bit according to him. “Who? We haven’t seen you with anyone. No guy has come around here.”

For them to approve of, that went unspoken, which had anger flaring to life. All us McDonalds were slow to anger, but once we did, things went south fast.

“No, I don’t suppose they would’ve.”

“Now everyone needs to calm down,” Mum said, and Dad shot her a dark look. Her composure made clear that she was already in on the situation.

“They?”

Hunter’s head tilted to one side as he regarded me steadily.

“Do not, I repeat, do not say anything stupid.” Jamie tended to be a quiet presence in all this crazy, but she could stand up for herself when she needed to. “Or you’ll be sleeping at your parents’ place tonight, not with me.”

That got their attention, my brothers taking a breath to look at the women they loved for a second.

But not for long.

“Yeah, they.” I sat back in my chair, arms folded, because suddenly I was so damn tired. Too tired to pretend. “I might not have had three guys who’d spent their lives pining after me, but I went to party with Noah Taylor.” The hiss around the table was so damn loud. “He’s a fireman now, one of the ones who put out the fire at The Stafford. I got drunk with him and a few of his mates.”

“No.” Brock shook his head, the look of distress real funny for a bloke who shared my best friend with our other brothers. “No, you didn’t.”

“One thing led to another, and with the help of some antibiotics, I got pregnant.” I shook my head, my eyes burning with the effort to keep the tears back. “I’m having a baby.”

For a moment, there was only silence, and in that space, I could take a full breath. One after the other, that’s what I focussed on, just keep breathing.

“You don’t have to.” Mum tried to hush Dad, but he wasn’t having it. “I know you want grandies, love, but not like this. Millie, you don’t have to?—”

“Yes, I do.” I stood up and stared the table down. “That’s what it means when it's the woman’s choice. She decides what’s right for her, not her father, not her brothers, for her.” My hand slid down, and the guys all watched me do it. “Dad, I’m never going to find the kind of relationship you have with Mum.” I tried to laugh and ended up letting out a little sob instead. “They don’t make guys like you anymore.” My focus shifted to my brothers. “And no guy is ever going to meet your standards, so I’ve given up even introducing them to you. That just leaves me, alone. I can either reconcile myself to never being a mother.”

“No, love,” Mum said in a small voice.

“Or I can take this as a sign. I’m tough. You’ve all made sure of that. Tough enough to be mother and father to this child.”

“Noah—” Hunter growled.

“Isn’t going to want to be a father, is he? Just like you wouldn’t have if a girl you had a one-night stand with told you that she was pregnant.”

Hunter blinked, then collapsed back against his chair.

“He will if he’s any sort of man,” Dad said. “I did.”

“What?”

We all stared then, and Mum shot us a weak smile.

“Brock was an oops baby,” she said. “Your great aunt Mildred always called him the bastard.”

“I thought it was just because he was a prick,” Hunter muttered.

“We thought we just had the summer together.” Dad wrapped his arm around Mum’s shoulders. “I was in town for a work contract and expected to go back to Sydney at the end of it. I did go back.”

“I rang your father when I found out,” Mum continued. “Hoped we could work out what to do together.”

“And we did.”

They were trying to help, but it just hurt, to see the love in the look they gave each other. I couldn’t see one guy doing that, especially when we had no idea who the damn father was.

“Well, I have to get in contact with them and see what the next step forward is.” This was sensible Millie, the one who stayed in control when shit was hitting the fan at work. “I’ll keep everyone posted…”

A knock at the door interrupted the rest of my speech.

“Who the bloody hell would that be?” Dad said.

“Probably your brother.” Mum shook her head, throwing her napkin down before beginning to rise.

“I’ve got this.” Hunter was never this serious, so I watched him closely as he walked back into the house.

“I’ll go with him,” his twin said.

“Hayden—” Jamie reached for his hand, and he gave it a squeeze before letting go again.

“Just need a second to get our heads together.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Be back in a sec.”

Quiet fell over the table after they left, and that was awkward as fuck, before Brock leaned forward, collecting a huge spoonful of broccoli and cheese salad and dropping it on my plate.

“What the hell was that for?” I asked.

“You’ll need the calcium from the cheese, the good oils from the pine nuts, and the broccoli is full of nutrients the baby will need.” He nodded to my plate. “Eat up. No more double quarter pounders if you’re going to be a mother.”

I snorted, tried to recompose myself, and then found I couldn’t smother the laughter. It came out unbidden, and the grumpy prick even smiled slightly. I stabbed a tree of broccoli with my fork and then munched it. Apparently, all I needed was a challenge to settle my stomach.

“Well, this has been a Christmas for the books,” Dad said, picking up his beer. “Here’s to becoming grandparents.”

“To Millie and her baby,” Jamie said, nodding at me.

Laughter turned to tears, but happy ones, because in the end this was true. My family loved me, they always would, even if I didn’t always agree with the way they did it.

Like this.

“Who was that?” Mum asked when the boys reappeared, eyeing a massive bunch of flowers Hunter carried. Hayden had a box of chocolates, making me think they’d organised a delivery for Jamie on Christmas day. I’ll say one thing for them, they knew how to treat a girl.

“Noah Taylor.”

My stomach fell as the flowers did, feeling like it landed on the table alongside the bouquet and chocolates, a sharp ringing sound starting up inside my head. One moment of peace, we’d had one moment before it all started up again. Everyone was talking all at once, getting louder and louder, but I could only focus on one thing, the card attached to the bouquet.

Call me, please , that’s all it said, along with a number written out neatly on the white card.