Chapter Thirty-One

It’s cold down here. Dank and dark.

I don’t know what time it is, but I’m trying to keep track. I think I’ve been in this cell for at least four hours.

For as much regret as I have over my petty attempt at speaking the truth, and how terribly I mistook the situation, I’m still pissed. I can’t believe they locked me up in a cell.

Well, actually, I sort of can believe it. If they kill people, what would stop them from taking prisoners? I’d rather be locked in this dungeon than dead, although now I’m beginning to worry about what the endgame is here.

What are their plans for me?

I’m kicking myself. I let my pride and my misguided attempts at informing people drive me to make this stupid mistake, and now there’s no telling what kind of hot water I’m in. And mostly, I’m mad at myself for betraying Abdiel.

He trusted me. Brought me to his home and introduced me to his people, after saving my life. He sensed my loneliness immediately, and without a second thought, he offered his hand. He offered his help.

And what do I do? I come in here, investigating his friends and family, snooping and stealing, then call his man out in front of everyone.

I feel like such an asshole.

Covering my face with my hands, I exhale a rough breath.

Who am I?

My anger is bubbling inside, a thick rage chugging through my veins like molasses. The scumbag took my identity. He stole it from me, and now I have no idea who I am… Who I’m meant to be.

My soul is broken. I’m damaged, scraped up and dented. One moment contemplating suicide, the next reaching out for someone, anyone to trust; someone to love me, to give me a chance. But then the immediate distrust swallows it all.

That perpetual suspicion. The doubt.

I hate feeling like this. I despise the wariness inside me. Why can’t I break it?

Why does it have to be like this?

A faint voice ripples from somewhere off in the darkness. Sitting up straight, I scoot away from the bars, zipping my back to the farthest wall. I’m scared down here. I can’t really see anything, and I don’t like being underground. I feel claustrophobic.

It only takes a moment for me to recognize the voice, or rather the thoughts, as they grow nearer.

Drake.

Swallowing becomes more difficult as my limbs tremble.

Here kitty kitty…

I clamp my jaw to stop my teeth from chattering.

Herrree… kitty… kitty…

Snake eyes appear in the black, between the bars of my cell. My blood is rushing so fast, practically drowning out any sound. But his thoughts are visible to me, as if they’re in my mind already.

Hi, tiny stray girl. He blinks.

“W-what do you want?” I stutter, feeling around the floor next to me for a rock or something sharp I could use as a weapon.

He rests his forehead on the bar. “You’re a problem, you know that?” His hand slips into his pocket. “I’d been wondering what to do about you before… And then you stole from me.”

Keys jingle in his fingers as he holds them up to the door, inserting one into the lock. Then turning it.

Fear lances my spine, and I can’t move. I’m frozen, just watching him. Staring at his pale skin, contrasting the darkness surrounding him. His black hair is all disheveled, mussed up as if he’s been yanking at it for hours. He has circles under his serpent eyes.

The lock clicks as the door opens, and he pushes it, stepping inside. “You turned my brother against me.” His head cocks as he stares down at me.

There’s something very threatening about how quiet he is. Even his thoughts are soft murmurs. He doesn’t seem anywhere near as angry as he was in that room earlier.

I’m not comforted by it.

But in this moment, looking up at him, the light in the dark, all I can feel is… strength. Protection.

It’s odd. Beyond odd… It’s fucking crazy.

Before I’d even met this man, I saw him in a vision, crying tears of blood. Right before I tried to kill myself, unintentionally, I think.

And apparently, he’s been killing people since he was a kid. There would be no earthly reason I should ever feel safe around him.

And yet…

He steps forward. I stare. He steps again. I keep staring.

He reaches me, then drops to his knees. “We never finished our conversation yesterday. Before you stole from me and freaked out like a little psycho.”

I scoff out loud. “I’m the psycho? Uh hey, pot, this is kettle. By the way, you’re black.”

A small grin tugs at his lips, but he pushes it away before I can focus on how abnormally beautiful it makes him look.

“You said you wanted control back… of your life,” he speaks in a soft, growly sort of tone that does things to me inside, things I can’t exactly fathom right now. “Is that why you did what you did today?” He tilts his head again and blinks slowly.

I’d love to lie, to hide my truth, but I know it’s no use. He can hear me as much as I can hear him, and surprisingly, it’s a comfort. One I’ve obviously never experienced, but I have to admit it brings me a sense of peace.

So I nod, swallowing a dry gulp before admitting. “I think so—”

“Well, you went about it the wrong way,” he jumps in before I even have all the words out.

My gaze drops to my fingers as they twist in my lap. “Yea, I picked up on that. Is that why you came down here? To gloat over how misguided I was before you kill me?”

His brow arches, a dark curve that brings on more tingles to my belly. “Why would I kill you?”

“First of all, you told me you were going to…”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Not in so many words.” I shrug. “And second of all, isn’t that your thing?” This time both brows move. “Murder…?”

He lets out a deep, rumbling laugh, more subtle than anything, but it’s somehow one of the greatest sounds I’ve ever heard come out of a person. “You have interesting ideas about me, kitty cat.”

Suddenly, he’s on his hands and knees, crawling, inching closer to me slowly. I’m already up against the wall, so I have no place to go as he cages me in.

“I saw you…” I murmur. He grabs my ankle and tugs me until I slide down onto my back. “I heard your memory. You told me… you kill people.”

“I kill people who need to die,” he mutters, hovering over me while breaths fly in and out of my lungs. His snake eyes are shimmering down at me, and as freaked out as I am, I can’t deny the clenching happening between my legs. This is so fucked. “There’s a difference. But you, little stray kitten… you certainly don’t need to die.”

My lips shiver through the words, “H-how do you know that?”

“I can feel it,” he says softly, leaning in, that scent of him intoxicating me until I feel drunk. “You were up on that clearing and you lived.”

“Because of Abdiel,” I croak, my head spinning.

He shakes his. “No. Because of you. This is your Ecdysis, Rhiannon. Here, on our land, is where you’ll get your life back. But you must want it. And you must deserve it.”

For every ounce of confusion bubbling inside me, there’s twice as much realization. Understanding.

Somehow, I get what he’s trying to tell me. I’m not sure how, but it’s not lost on me that of all the wilderness in the state of Washington, I found my way onto the Expanse. I met Abdiel in that clearing. He saved my life.

Taking those drugs was like a religious experience. Maybe I was meant to witness that murder…

Maybe it has something to do with the vision of him I had…

“I fucked up,” I whisper up to him while my heart gallops in my chest. He nods in agreement. “These people… your family… they follow you and Darian for a reason. I think I see that now.”

“They follow him for a reason,” he mumbles, something serious flashing in his twisted eyes.

“No.” I shake my head. “Both of you.”

Making a snap decision, which for the life of me I can’t even understand, I reach forward, my fingers grazing his jaw. He actually flinches, which brings a rampant heat to my gut.

“Take back your control, stray,” he rasps, only an inch from my face. “It’s why you’re here.”

My heartbeat is booming inside me, my stomach twisting up. I can think of many things I’d like to do to regain control of my life, after what I’ve been through.

Or I can stop thinking. Stop rationalizing.

Stop making excuses.

And fucking take it.

My lashes flutter, and just as I’m about to pull the Serpent’s lips down to mine, he hops off me, rises to his feet and stalks out of the cell.

I’m still lying on the cold floor, breathing like I’ve been underwater for ten minutes while the door locks and he disappears.

abdiel

I think I’ve walked about fifty circles around Darian’s bedroom by the time he comes upstairs.

He slides into the room, stealth even with his stature, like a panther. And when he closes the door behind him, he leans up against it as his eyes droop, breathing long and slow. I feel his angst.

I wish I could take it from him. Hold it, bear his burden. I would do that for him, and I realize it’s a symptom of love I have felt before, though never truly this heavy.

In this moment, I would do any and every possible thing to keep my King happy.

I just want to know if he would do the same for me…

His eyes reopen, and he gazes at me, irises a tumultuous blue ocean of varying emotions.

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if I wanted to.

Stalking up to him, I grab his face, holding his chiseled jaw in my hands while I kiss him, gently greedy, until he hums satisfaction into my mouth like a scrumptious delicacy. When we pull apart, we’re both breathless, even though it was only a couple of seconds.

But that’s what he does to me… He renders me without air.

“I’m so sorry I did this, Darian.” I kiss him once more, quickly. “I’m sorry I brought this drama back with me.” Another peck to his soft lips. “I never anticipated that she would… I don’t know,” I sigh, dropping my forehead to his. “Maybe I am na?ve. I wanted to believe the best in her… In people. But you guys were right about Outsiders. They can’t be trusted.”

A small grin tugs at Darian’s mouth. I feel it on mine as his large hands slide up my chest. “Shh. Hush now, my sweet prince. No apologies from you. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your trust is one of the things I love most about you. And in all honesty, the girl wasn’t wrong.”

I pull back enough to gawk at him like he’s lost his mind.

He chuckles. “I’m not saying I endorse her wayward actions. And she will suffer repercussions for that little scene. But the thing about being a leader is knowing when to speak up, and when to listen.”

Watching him, in this moment, I’m not sure I could ever respect anyone more than this man. He is a King, regardless of how strange that might sound to an Outsider. I don’t give a single fuck what anyone thinks.

Darian is a Royal. Born for it.

This time when my lips grace his, they’re as cherishing as they are desperate; hungry. I’m giving him all my love through my mouth and gradual flicks of my tongue while we taste each other, sucking with punishing force. And to my delight, I think he’s giving me the same thing back.

“Abdiel,” he murmurs on my mouth, pushing against me until I’m backing up. “I’m the one who’s sorry, baby. I wish I had told you about me and your father sooner. I was just… God, I was so worried it would mean the end of us, and we just started, baby. We just fucking started.”

“Maybe this makes me na?ve too, but I don’t give a damn.” I pull him on top of me on his bed. “I don’t think anything could end us.”

“Nothing?” He grins in between our ferocious kisses, hands running all over.

“Not one single thing.”

He whimpers and sucks harder on my lips, giving me his tongue, brushing it over mine as he lifts my shirt. I help him get it off, and then I remove his, pulling him down so we can press our heated flesh together.

Next stop, we’re ripping at each other’s pants, fumbling to get closer to where we both want to be. Naked in his bed, loving with our bodies until there’s nothing left but luxe sensation.

Darian yanks away from my merciless kisses when we’re in our boxers, my hands inside his, exploring. “There is something I’ll need from you, my love.”

“Mmm… and I’ll give it to you,” I growl through a wicked grin, trailing my lips down his throat. “Deep and hard.”

He shudders. “No, not that.” He chuckles out a breathy rumble that’s so sexy I want to flip him over and penetrate him right this second. “After everything that’s happened in the last few days… Your leaving, whatever… feelings you have for the girl…”

He pauses after that part, his Adam’s apple dipping in this throat before my eyes. Glancing up, I witness the shining vulnerability in his gaze, hearing it in his mind all the same. It makes me feel like a giant piece of shit.

“Baby, I don’t know how I feel exactly, but I know it’s not even remotely the same as what I feel for you…” I start, but he stops me with a kiss.

“I know,” he breathes when he pulls away. “I know. I’m just saying, after all of it, I need to know that I have you, Abdiel. I need to know you’re not going anywhere. Because I don’t think I could handle it… Losing you.”

He gulps again, and I feel him pleading with me; a trembling need, yearning in his heart for me in a way that sends mine leaping with joy, yet still bogs it down.

“I would love to give that to you, my King,” I confess. “There’s nothing I want more, but you need to understand things from my point of view…”

“Prince Abdiel.” He settles over me, fingers rushing to hold my waist. “You know I want you. Do you want me?”

“I love you, Darian,” I tell him with absolute certainty. He smiles, biting to contain it. “But—”

“No,” he whispers, brushing his lips over mine. “No but.”

I chuckle. “Yes but. You’re still married.” He flinches, opening his mouth to argue. “And you’re in love with him, too.”

That gets him. This time he’s quiet for many long, strenuous seconds, blinking down at me while his thoughts rush all around Drake.

I see so much happening in his mind. Their history, what they’ve been through together, the hardships they’ve endured and what they’ve built. It would be so easy to fear competing with that. And I suppose a lesser man would feel crazy jealous, or intimidated.

But I’m not. And I don’t think it makes me awesome or anything. It’s not about that…

It’s about my own feelings for Drake.

“He’s… complicated,” Darian finally speaks, then takes in a breath and rests his head on my chest. “It’s complicated with us, and it never won’t be. He’s my brother…”

My heart thumps into his cheek. “Not technically.”

“He is, though. I’ve always thought of him as a brother, even after I fell in love with him. He’s done things for me, Abdiel… Things other people would never understand.”

Rhiannon’s words from earlier spring into my mind, verified by what Darian’s thinking.

“He’s killed for you,” I mutter.

Darian freezes, but then he softens a bit and nods on my pectoral. “He has.”

My mind rushes over many thoughts, eventually settling on a pertinent question. “Did it need to happen?” His face pivots to peer up at me. “Did they need to die?”

The oceans in his eyes crash like waves of the tide as he says, “Yes. They did.”

My fingers roam up into his silky hair, brushing the strands while I nod. “He’s an exceptional being, isn’t he?”

Darian melts into my body, holding me close. “That he is.”

We’re quiet for another few moments, just listening to each other breathe and think. Darian knows I have feelings for Drake, too. He doesn’t need to ask. He’s seen all the things we’ve done together in our thoughts, read our story from our minds. It’s nothing like what they’ve experienced together… I’m not sure anything is. But it’s the kind of bond I hope to one day have. With Darian.

And maybe with Drake, too.

“If you can prove your loyalty to me, sweet prince, it would be my greatest pleasure to return the favor.” He rests his chin on my chest so we can make eye contact.

I don’t need him to elaborate either. I know what he means.

If I can assure him I’ll be his always, he’ll divorce his five and tell the truth.

drake

What am I doing?

I think I’ve gone off the deep end. The things I’ve been doing… The ways I’ve been acting…

This isn’t like me. My hardened exterior seems to be crumbling, shedding from my body, leaving me exposed, pink, and vulnerable. And I can’t identify how or why it’s happening.

I’m the evil one. That we’ve established. I’ve taken that burden, worn it like a medal of honor. I haven’t wrestled with the things I’ve done in years, so why now?

What is this sudden need I have burning inside me to settle the turmoil? I must have some immense messiah complex, because this shit is simply unreasonable.

Protecting Abdiel from the truth, confessing to Darian, even though it opened his eyes to the monster he’s been in love with since we were kids, offering myself up to the girl, even though she’s technically the enemy…

What in the name of our sacred Mother is wrong with me??

Even now, I’ve been sitting outside the hunting shack for hours. After just barely escaping the abruptly salacious thoughts of the stray, I ran up here and dismissed the patrol Darian had assigned to guard the place. I parked my ass in the dirt, where I’ve been since, smoking joints and contemplating what exactly it is I think I’m doing.

And how it all became so diluted.

I know there are answers my Mother wishes to give, but I’m in denial. I’m being intentionally dense about this, because I don’t want to accept it.

This is my purpose…

We’re all connected. Darian and me… Abdiel to us… Then the girl. She fits into the puzzle, I know she does. I’m reluctant, because after the shit she pulled, it feels like a betrayal to Darian.

That said, I know she’s remorseful. I could feel it, the moment I stepped into the cell last night. Even before, in the lounge. She regrets what she did.

She was just confused. She didn’t understand her reason for being here. The others might not understand it, but Darian and I do. We remember what it’s like for Outsiders when they first arrive. We dealt with it for years.

Skepticism, suspicion. Doubt.

Still, it’s not my place to give her a pass. Darian has to do that himself. They need to work out whatever bad blood is between them. For me, it’s a bit more complicated.

She reminds me of him.

When we were younger, back in Michigan. Before the night we left…

And that’s what she’s been carrying this whole time. I feel it. It sits heavy on my chest.

I don’t know the girl at all, but I want to help her as if I do. Like it’s my purpose.

A blood-curdling scream jolts me out of my contemplations and without thinking, I jump, stumbling to my feet to an almost dust-scattering degree, darting back inside. Opening the trapdoor, I climb down the steps to another deafening wail of pain and devastation.

My heart is thumping hard as I race to the cell at the end, finding the girl on her side, arms covering her head while she thrashes about. Eyes wide, I fumble the keys out of my pocket, unlocking the cell door and whipping it open. I burst inside and fall to the ground by her side, looking over her small, fragile frame, where she wriggles on the ground, tears staining her flushed cheeks, eyes squeezing shut in her state of anguish.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m powerless, impotent and confused. Reaching out, I try to brush hair away from her face, but an arm surges out, whacking me in the gut.

“Sonofa—” I grunt, gripping my stomach, my jaw clenching in irritation. But then my muscles ease, because it was clearly an accident.

“No… no no no, please…” she whimpers and whines, digging her fingers into the cement floor. “Please stop!”

Blinking, I remember something…

Darian used to have nightmares. Not often, but every once in a while, when we first moved out here, he’d wake me up in our tent or our trailer, squirming all around, shouting in tears.

And then it stopped… But not because it actually stopped. Because I stopped sharing a bed with him.

For all I know, he could still have them.

A sickening feeling slithers through my chest, my hands fisting at my sides. I’m the worst. Worse than that…

I’m an abomination. A plague. How he even still loves me is beyond all reasoning.

Making an impromptu decision I know I’ll probably regret later, I grab the girl in my arms, lifting her onto my lap. She’s still wiggling around like a worm on a hook, but I simply clutch her tighter, stroking her hair with my fingers. It’s as soft as pure cotton…

My fingertips brush it away from her forehead and temples, where it’s matted with sweat from her fear and strenuous movements. Sitting back, I prop against the nearest wall, and just hold her. I fasten her to my chest while she whimpers, her sobs eventually turning to easy mewls. She really is like a stray kitten…

The thought makes me grin. And then it falls away, when I remember where I am. In a cell, where she’s our prisoner, because I don’t know her at all, and she doesn’t know us.

Yet, maybe I do know her… It certainly feels like I do. Because right now, here in this moment, I’m holding my brother. Comforting him, easing his pain as best I can.

Maybe the evil can be good sometimes…

Something tickling my throat wakes me up.

My eyes flutter open, then dart around, confusion holding me, but only for a moment until I remember what happened. Fuck…

I came in to comfort the girl during her nightmare, and I must have passed out. When has that ever happened??

She’s still in my arms, and when I drop my chin to look at her, I find her gazing up at me. Her eyes are traced with sleep, but still so bright; a gleaming teal unlike almost anything I’ve seen in nature. It’s sort of mesmerizing, but I quickly push the thought away when I remember she can hear me.

My throat dips with a swallow, and her eyes fall to it. I shift, my lips parting as if to say something, anything, but before I can, she leans forward and presses her mouth to my clavicle. A soft kiss that could be mistaken it’s so small, but her warm breath gives it away as her lips drag up, kissing a line on my flesh, which feels clammy. That never happens to me.

It’s the girl. She’s burning me up, and I suddenly realize that I’m sitting with her in my arms, her breasts pressing into me, ass resting on my erection.

I really shouldn’t be hard. Call it morning wood, I guess, but it’s still inconvenient all the same, because it could give the girl the green light to keep kissing me, or scare the shit out of her. Either way, it’s bad.

I attempt to say her name, tell her to stop, produce really any words that could help, but all that comes out is a rumble, like a hum. And then she purrs.

She fucking purrs, like a kitten.

My balls are suddenly aching, and I recognize how bad this is. I do… But that doesn’t make it feel any less good.

She writhes into me while kissing and sucking all over my neck, moving up to my ear.

Oh no… No no no. Not that spot.

“You have to stop.” My voice comes out exactly like the groan of someone whose words mean jack shit. “We can’t…” And then it trails off when I feel nipples… on my chest. Through two separate outfits…

I’m dying.

I haven’t been with a woman in so long. For as much as Darian thinks I sleep around, it’s been maybe a quarter of that. Most of my sexual exploits are with him, and lately, Abdiel, too. The last woman I was with was almost a year ago…

And I can’t think about that right now.

“We can, though,” Rhiannon murmurs, her voice all breathy with arousal. It sounds like the wetness I just know is seeping into her panties, and I’m going out of my mind. My fingers twist into the fabric of her shirt. “You said it yourself, I have to take back control. This is how I do it…”

“Not with me.” I force myself to pry away, though it just gives her the opportunity to shove me onto my back, straddling my waist. “This can’t happen…”

“Because of Darian?” She asks over my lips, and I feel her falter.

Something in her mind stands out… A memory of her and Abdiel, alone in a tent. Doing basically the exact same thing.

“Because of Darian,” I whisper, though she already knows.

“What is this connection I have with you two? You and him…” Wonder lines her tone. “Something is holding us all together, and it makes no sense.”

“Nothing makes sense,” I rumble, inching up closer to her face, my hand sliding until it’s resting on the nape of her neck. “And the thing that’s holding us all together… is him.”

She gives me a look of reticence, biting her lip for a moment in thought. But he hates me.

My finger twirls a strand of her long, strawberry blonde hair. Don’t be so sure, kitten. My brother doesn’t have a hateful bone in his body.

She still looks skeptical, but this time she forces it away and nods, accepting my words. It makes me smile. She wants to be one of us, I can feel it.

I don’t know where this girl came from, how or why she would ever fit into our plan, but something about her settles me inside. I’d love to know what it is… To pluck it out and put it in a jar, study it in the lab.

Her mind races with questions, all sorts of wonderings, about me and Darian, me and Abdiel, the things we’ve done together. Me, up in that clearing.

My chest caves.

Before either of us can speak again, footsteps turn our heads. And we’re met with green eyes, wide like that of a cartoon character.

We’re shuffling apart, but it’s too late. Abdiel already saw us, as evident from the way he’s gaping, stunned like he just caught cousins fooling around.

He blinks a few times while I brush my hair back with my fingers, wanting to stand but knowing my hard-on will be totally visible right now.

“Uh…” he croaks, then clears his throat. “I’m um…”

“Yea, the feeling’s mutual,” I mutter, the awkwardness of it all working to kill my erection enough for me to rise to me feet. I brush off my pants, my body stiff from sleeping for hours sitting on a cement floor, with the girl on top of me.

Glancing at Rhiannon, I find her flushed on all visible skin, chewing her lip like it’s the food she’s been denied all day. Oh, that’s why he’s here.

“I brought you a… uh… sandwich.” Abdiel steps hesitantly inside the cell and places it on the ground by her feet, immediately backing up slowly as if he’ll be struck down by association for even being near us.

“Thanks,” Rhiannon mumbles with her face beneath her palms.

“I should go.” I shake my head at my own stupidity while stomping to the entrance of the cell. But Abdiel blocks me.

“Drake.” He grasps my shoulders, the softness in his touch bringing on more need to my chest like embers I just can’t douse for the life of me.

What is my problem? Am I turned on by everyone now??

“Back off, little mouse,” I growl, inching closer to his face. “This isn’t your fight.”

“It doesn’t have to be any of our fights,” he insists in that tone of his. He’s so damn good, it’s almost unbearable at times. “Go talk to your brother. Our King.”

My jaw clenches while I stare into his eyes, a green so deep it’s like an overhead view of the forest we call home. The thing is, deep down, I know he’s right. I know something needs to be done about all this yearning between the four of us.

About the secrets…

But I close my eyes and shake it off, pulling away from him. Because adding the girl just adds another person for me to protect… For me to kill for.

As if there wasn’t enough blood on my hands...