45. Kayla

Chapter 45

Kayla

Thirteen Winters Ago / Age Fifteen

Ryan pulls down the safety bar on the last chairlift of the day. This year we're trying to catch the last lift to the top of the mountain every day, then ski all the way back down for steaming mugs of chocolat chaud and salty frites .

“ Vite, vite !” the lift-operators call out every time, hurrying us when we barrel through the gates as they’re trying to close. I know we’ll miss it eventually, but for now it’s a rush every time. That’s us, two adrenaline junkies. We’re always chasing the next thrill and have been since we were old enough to ski.

“Can I ask you a question?” he says, coughing to clear his throat.

I angle my body towards him. “Of course, always.”

He sucks in a deep breath and blurts out his question. “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

His expression is hidden behind his goggles, and I’m glad he can’t see mine because my eyes are wide and full of panic. I was not expecting him to ask me that.

We almost never talk about our lives back home on these trips to the mountains. They’ve always been our chance to escape to a place full of magic and wonder, but Ryan has been quieter than usual all afternoon. I wonder how long he’s been waiting to ask me.

“Yeah, I have.” I wish it wasn’t my answer, but I’d never lie to him.

“Oh. ”

Oh? Who says ‘oh’? Does he not think I’m kissable?

“That surprises you?”

“Yeah. No, I mean, I was only asking. What was it like?”

“It was awful.” I give him the briefest of details. I’m sure Ryan doesn’t really care to know he bumped my teeth with his, shoved his tongue in my mouth, then bolted before I had the chance to kiss him back.

Opportunities for kissing boys are slim when you go to an all girl’s school, but at Sophie Mulligan’s birthday, her brother invited some friends, and I saw my chance and took it. I don’t exactly regret it, but I don’t think it should count as a first kiss at all, actually. It was brief, horrid, and revoltingly wet. I didn’t even know his name.

I’d hoped for a fairytale movie star kiss. Doesn’t every girl deserve that? If not for her first kiss, then at least once in her life. I want to be kissed so hard it makes my toes curl, by someone who knows what they’re doing, and who makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

I want to be kissed by Ryan.

“Why do you ask?”

He looks down and knocks the tips of his skis together. “No reason.”

Yeah right. He's a terrible liar.

“Have you ever kissed someone?”

“Not yet,” he mumbles.

The chairlift carries us out of the wind and for a moment there is perfect silence. Ryan tips his head back and groans. A perfect cloud of hot breath fills the cold air above him. I want to reach out and grab it and shove it in my mouth.

“You know what, though? I’ve never kissed someone at the top of a mountain. You want to be that first? ”

“Sure.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but the pink in his cheeks stays for the rest of the trip.