44. Kayla

Chapter 44

Kayla

I’ve kept work to a minimum this week, but when I do have to work, Ryan meets me at the base station afterwards, with a bouquet of wildflowers he’s picked himself. July boasts beautiful days, so we walk down the mountain hand in hand, and plan out our next day.

At home, we take cold beers to the hot tub, then shower together before heading out to dinner. Whether it’s pizza in the village while the sun goes down, or one of the more upmarket restaurants in town, these are the best meals of my life.

In the mornings he cooks breakfast, or we wake up with our hands and mouths all over each other before we’ve even opened our eyes.

I could get used to this. I am getting used to this, and that’s a big problem. Pretending is easy when he looks at me like I’ve hung the moon, says all the right things, and acts like this is forever. Except it’s not forever, and with every hour the clock counts down, the knot in my stomach gets bigger and bigger.

On my days off, we pack a bag and head out early to one of our favourite spots. We start our journey the same way we would in winter, by riding the Telecabin most of the way up the mountain. From there, the chairlift takes you closer to the summit, but we prefer to hike up and take a ride back down.

Today we’re heading for the highest point on our side of the valley, the same spot where we go in winter, then race to the bottom. Whenever I bring clients here, I hang back while they take their photos. The view isn't nearly as stunning without him to share it with.

Our path drifts through thick forests and alpine meadows. In the winter months, snow covers all of this, but now herds of cows and goats roam freely. Apart from the occasional cowbell and the call of black grouse, there is mostly silence. I’ve never known peace like it.

At just under 6000 ft, the peak boasts panoramic views for miles, hills and forests in every shade of green. In the far distance, Mont Blanc shines down on us all, the top still covered in snow and ice even in July.

Once we find a comfy spot, we spread out a picnic blanket and dig our lunches out of our backpacks. There’s barely a cloud in the sky, so I top up my sunscreen while Ryan sprawls out on the grass beside me.

“Hot tub will feel so good later. My legs are killing me.”

I almost tell him he’d get used to it if he lived here, we could come here all the time. That this spot only makes me happy if he’s here to share it with.

Being here with him in winter always makes me contemplative, but in summer my mood is more sombre.

“Will you keep your chalet after your parents die?” I ask him, and he chokes on his electrolyte drink.

“Bit dark, Bunny. Are your parents OK?”

“They’re fine. I’m just wondering what the future holds, I guess.”

“I’d never really thought about it. I imagine it’ll go to me and Hannah, and unless it’s a money pit, I can’t see why we wouldn’t keep it. What about you? Would you sell your chalet?”

“Never,” I tell him. “I’d keep hold of it for as long as I could. My dad loved holidays here when he was a kid. My grandmother would hate to see it sold. She wanted me to keep coming for as long as possible, to bring my own kids someday. Teach them to ski the same slopes she did. ”

Ryan scoots closer and puts his arm around my shoulder. “Is that what you want?”

Yes. No. Maybe. How am I supposed to know?

“Do you ever wish we'd met under different circumstances?” I ask. I don’t know why I’m entertaining these thoughts, but they keep getting the better of me.

“What do you mean?”

“Like if we met in a bar or something. If you’d asked me out, and we went to dinner, made out on a doorstep somewhere. If we didn’t have so much complicated history?”

He takes a bite of his sandwich and chews slowly, like it pains him to get through it.

“I don’t think so. No.”

“No? What if we’d met at university somewhere? We might have hated each other. Or maybe we would...”

I can’t finish the sentence, it gets stuck behind the lump in my throat. Ryan sets his lunchbox down and pulls me into his lap. I go easily though I know it’s a bad idea. This is my fault for getting deep and meaningful. I should have kept it light and safe. Talked about the clouds, even though there are none.

“Look at me,” he says, cupping my face between his hands. “Do I wish our circumstances were different now? Sure, absolutely I do. But I wouldn't swap the lifetime of memories we've made for anything. And we have a lot more to make.”

Tears threaten to spill when I sense what’s coming, and I shake my head to get rid of them. “No.”

“Yes, Kayla,” he smiles. “Nobody else is ever coming close to you. I love you. You’re it. North star.”

My eyes prick with tears, and a memory from last night pushes to the forefront. “You’re only saying that because I said—”

“Nope,” he says, cutting me off with a kiss. “I’m saying it because I love you, and now I have said it, I don’t know why I’ve waited so long.”

He tips his head back and yells at the big, blue sky above us.

“I love Kayla McInnes!”

He presses his hand to his heart, and instinctively, I do the same. Except while he’s celebrating, I’m trying my best to hold mine in.