Chapter 3

Chapter Three

T he following day, Hadrian sought out his younger brother, Henry. He wanted to bounce his idea from the night before off someone before discussing it with Lilly. Henry could always be counted on to be the voice of reason, and he badly wanted to know his opinion.

He found his brother in the library, reading a story to his two-year-old daughter, Rosalie, who hung on to his every word. Hadrian hung back in the doorway momentarily, watching, wondering how he and his brother had turned out so differently.

Although Henry was only three years younger, he had been more than willing to settle down when he had met his wife Louise five years ago. They seemed to be quite content with each other, though tragically, Louise had suffered several miscarriages before she had managed to safely deliver Rosalie. If Rosalie had been a boy, their father probably wouldn't have pressured Hadrian so hard to have a child of his own. But the old man would not rest until the line was secure. Hadrian had often wished that Henry had been next in line to inherit after George's death. He was certain his father did. Their personalities certainly did not align with the cards they would each been dealt.

"You seem to enjoy being a father," Hadrian mused when Henry finally closed the book.

"Uncle Hadween!" Rosalie cried, jumping off her father's lap and racing across the room to hug Hadrian about the knees. Her blond curls bounced as she ran, and her blue eyes were filled with happiness at the sight of her prodigal uncle.

Hadrian laughed and picked her up, swinging her around and around while she giggled madly. Although he had no interest in being a father, he loved being an uncle.

"I do enjoy it," Henry replied, smiling at their antics. "What's not to like?"

"What about marriage?" Hadrian asked, setting his niece down and smiling when she stumbled a bit, still dizzy from being spun around.

"What is this about?" Henry asked, frowning. "Is Father after you to find a bride again?"

Hadrian nodded glumly. "It is all the Brazen Belle's fault. Ever since he read that article, he has had a burr in his saddle about me settling down."

Henry laughed and shook his head. "Louise showed me the article yesterday. It is all any of the ladies are talking about. You are officially notorious."

With a sigh, Hadrian sank into the chair across from Henry's. "I'm thinking of marrying Lilliana Bennett."

Henry's eyes widened. "Isn't she a bit long in the tooth?"

"She's not much older than you are and younger than me," Hadrian reminded him.

"Well..." Henry looked a bit taken aback. "It's different for women."

"How so?" Hadrian raised a brow.

"She hasn't a dowry. Her father died and left her and her mother destitute. The new earl has tried everything to get her married off, but there have been no takers, even with her pedigree. She is far too outspoken and opinionated to make a decent wife."

"Why are you trying so hard to turn me off her?" Hadrian asked in confusion. He had thought if anyone would understand his reasons for wanting to enter into a partnership with his old friend, it would be Henry, who had tagged along after them his whole childhood.

Henry scrubbed his hand across his face, obviously trying to gather his thoughts. "I don't know. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. You two have always gotten along famously."

"Once we're wed, I could send her off to Autumnwood Hall and continue my life here unimpeded."

Henry burst into laughter. "If you think that will work, you know even less than I thought about marriage. And what of children? You know that's the main reason Father wants you to wed. How will you produce them if you reside in two separate places?"

Hadrian shrugged. "I only promised to get married. Once I am, he cannot make me marry again. If children do not come, he can do nothing about it."

"What of Lilly?" Henry asked, looking disappointed in Hadrian's answer, obviously failing to see the brilliance in his brother's plan to outwit their father. "Don't you think she would like a real marriage with a man who actually cares about her? Don't you think she would like the chance to become a mother before it's toolate?"

"She told me last night that all she wants is a quiet life in the country. The life I'd give her would be far better than the one she has now," Hadrian replied stubbornly.

But for the first time, he had doubts. Was this unfair to Lilly? Would she come to hate him in time?

"I think you could build something wonderful with Lilly," Henry told him with a shrug. "But as usual, you are not thinking of anybody's feelings but your own. I love you, brother, but you are a selfish bastard."

Stung, Hadrian pushed to his feet. "I'll take your opinion under advisement," he tossed over his shoulder, ruffling Rosalie's hair on the way out.

Fury surged through him as he stomped down the hall toward the back of the house. He could not believe his little brother, who had always been his champion, had just told him he was selfish.

What a crock of shite. What is so wrong about wanting to live my life on my terms? To do what I want instead of what is expected of me?

He went out to the mews and quickly saddled his favorite mount, not bothering to wait for a groom. Once in the saddle, he rode toward the park, his mind racing.

The Belle's words echoed in his mind, along with his brother's harsh criticism. Did everyone truly think of him as vain, selfish, and frivolous? Desirable only for his wealth, good looks, and title?

Was the only way to redeem himself to actually change his ways instead of just pretending to do so?

What a sobering thought.

And if so, was Lilly truly the woman he wanted to be shackled to forever? He had nearly forgotten her existence until he ran into her at the ball last night. But the moment he had seen her, all those old feelings had come rushing back. Maybe he had tried so hard to forget her because no other woman had ever really made him feel anything.

He had loved her once, or at least as much as a sixteen-year-old lad was capable of loving anyone. And he had always been fairly certain she loved him, too. He hated to think she had waited for him all those years, that perhaps he bore some responsibility for the fact that she wasn't wed, even now.

The last thing he wanted was to make her unhappy. It seemed as though she had suffered enough since her father's death, and he truly did care for her more than nearly anyone of his acquaintance.

He rode around the city for hours, lost in his thoughts, until he finally concluded that the only way to know for certain was to lay it all out for her and ask her.

By the time Hadrian finally showed up for the promised visit, Lilly had long since given up on him, chalking this up as just the latest in a long string of disappointments. The time for callers had long since come and gone, her mother had gone to take a nap after offering various disparaging theories about why Hadrian had not bothered to come, and Lilly had finally escaped to the library, burying her nose in a book. But for once, she wasn't reading. Instead, she was fighting back some very ridiculous tears and wishing that the brief spark of happiness she had felt in his arms last night had actually meant something to him as well.

So, when the butler gave her Hadrian's calling card, she was utterly surprised. Telling the butler it was all right to bring Hadrian back, she jumped up and ran to the mirror, tucking a few strands of hair back into place and pinching her cheeks to give them some color. She immediately felt silly for doing so and rushed back to sit primly on the sofa. The last thing she wanted was for him to catch her primping for him.

She rang for tea just as Hadrian entered the room. Her treacherous heart couldn't help but beat a little faster at his lithe, feline grace.

He smiled when he caught sight of her, then bowed elegantly before taking a seat on the sofa beside her, so close she could feel his heat and inhale his wonderful scent.

"No chaperone?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. "I must say I am surprised."

"You are two hours late," she reminded him coolly. "Mother has lain down for her nap. If you are planning on behaving inappropriately, I can send for a maid."

"I'm planning to be very well-behaved," he told her with a cheeky smile. "But I daresay your mother will be sorry to have missed me."

She found his statement extremely disappointing for reasons she did not want to examine too closely. Why had no man ever wanted to be improper with her? Especially this one, whom she had dreamed about seducing a thousand times in the privacy of her lonely bed.

She gave him a thin smile, still distrustful of his reasons for being here, for wanting to talk to her again after all these years. "Perhaps you can begin by telling me why you're here."

His cockiness faded, and he slouched forward a bit, staring at the toes of his well-polished Hessians. "I'm no longer certain, to be honest. It all seemed clear to me last night, but things seem far murkier today. That's why I was late. I spent the afternoon riding around trying to make sense of it all and figure out what I wanted my future to look like."

Her heart, which had not yet slowed down, kicked back up a notch. She could not imagine what she might have to do with Hadrian's future.

But even though her thoughts were in turmoil, she couldn't bear to see him look so defeated. Before she could think better of it, she squeezed his shoulder, her fingers lingering for a moment on the taut muscle. "Why don't you tell me what you're thinking, and we'll figure it out together?" she murmured, deciding that he had missed having her as a confidante. Once upon a time, they had told each other everything.

He glanced at her from beneath those sinfully long eyelashes, and a moment of perfect understanding, built by a thousand shared experiences, passed between them. "I really did miss you, Lilly. Some of the best days of my life were spent with you. I never had a friend like you after I went away to school."

She had never had another friend like him either. He had once been the center of her world, and when he had been sent away and left her behind, she had been devastated.

But he had never been meant for her, a fact she had told herself a million times. They'd had one perfect kiss, still the only kiss she had ever had, and she had actually thought it meant something. But eventually, she had realized that he had never really thought of her romantically—she had just been the only one available to him when he had started having romantic feelings—so she'd be foolish to reveal just how much it had meant to her.

"You were my best friend too," she said, hoping he couldn't discern the wealth of emotions those words held.

He smiled and tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear, letting his fingertips linger on the curve of her cheek. "Everything suddenly seems clear again."

She shivered, his light touch doing strange things to her already hyperaware body. "If you're here to ask me to help you find a wife..." She trailed off, embarrassed that she had spoken her worst fears out loud. She didn't even know how she had meant to finish that sentence. She would help him. Of course, she would, if only to spend more time with him. But doing such a thing would kill the last little shred of hope within her.

He let his hand fall away from her face. "I have already found someone," he hurried to assure her, making something deep inside her shatter and howl with pain. "I just fear that if I ask her, she will be forced to say yes, even if it isn't the best thing for her."

She blinked away a sheen of tears, trying to focus on what he had said and glad he was still looking at his boots. "How could marrying you not be in her best interest? The woman in question would be a duchess someday."

He sighed and reached between them to take her hand in his. "Because apparently, I'm a selfish bastard. That's what Henry says, anyway. I do not want to get married and settle down. I want to continue my life as it is. I do not want children, so I probably won't even consummate the marriage. I just want my father to leave me alone to do as I please, and he never will until I have a wife."

His odd behavior over the past twenty-four hours suddenly made perfect sense, and her heart sank to her toes. "Am I to understand that I'm the lucky woman you want to stash in the country and forget about while you continue on your merry way?" she breathed, her voice shaky. How dare he ask such a thing of me? The hurt suddenly disappeared in a wave of anger. "Henry's right. You are a selfish bastard!"

He had the good grace to look away, heat staining his cheeks. "I thought it might be a positive solution for both of us. I know you don't want to continue to be trotted out on the marriage market year after year. You told me last night that all you wanted was to retire to the country with your books and a garden. I heard that your father left you and your mother in dire straits. I could give you everything you need, Lilly. I could take care of you."

Now, it was her turn to be embarrassed. She hated that he knew about her financial situation, hated even more that he thought her so desperate and firmly on the shelf that she would jump on this chance to join him in a loveless marriage, forever denying herself even the chance to have a family of her own.

Unfortunately, both were true, and she would have been thrilled to have received such an offer from anyone else.

But not Hadrian. She could not bear the thought of being Hadrian's wife yet not being any closer to him than she was right now. To rot away at Autumnwood Hall while he continued making love to anyone he wanted.

Anyone but me.

Tears threatened to spill over as she stood up, her mind in turmoil. She walked to the window, gazing down at the bustling street below, trying to distance herself from the overwhelming emotions inside her. How could she possibly make a rational decision when her heart was breaking? On the one hand, this opportunity was too good to pass up, especially given her current circumstances, and if her mother ever found out she had turned it down, she would never forgive her. On the other hand, saying yes meant never having any of the things other women took for granted—love, romance, and children.

A choice between security and a lifetime of unrequited love.

As she stood at the window, lost in her thoughts, she felt a gentle touch on her shoulder. She turned to see Hadrian standing there, his eyes searching hers for any sign of what she was feeling.

"I know this is a lot to take in," he began softly, "and I would never want you to feel pressured into something you don't want. If you say no, that is the end of it. I will find another way to deal with my father's expectations and demands."

Her heart swelled with conflicting emotions as she looked into his earnest eyes. She wanted to scream at him for being so blind to her feelings, for not seeing that she had loved him all along. But she also wanted to throw herself into his arms and accept any crumb of affection he would give her.

A sob broke free, and then another. She turned away from him, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze any longer. Her emotions were a tangled mess, and she felt like she was standing on the edge of a precipice, unsure whether to jump or step back. The weight of her unspoken words pressed heavily on her chest, threatening to suffocate her.

"There now," he murmured, turning her around, pulling her into his arms, and hugging her tightly. "I did not think this through, obviously. Don't cry, darling. Please."

She buried her face against his broad chest, the tears starting in earnest. She had been so alone for so long, but in his arms, she felt their deep friendship again.

Dear Lord, how she had missed him.

They just stood locked together for several long minutes until she finally found the strength to pull away and dash the tears from her eyes inelegantly with the back of her hand.

"I don't know what came over me," she managed. "Can I have a few days to think about this?"

She was in such a state of distress that she could not make a rational decision at the moment. His expression shifted from understanding to pity, and she knew he had realized just how dire her situation must be if she was still contemplating this option. With a heavy sigh, he leaned in and gently kissed her forehead. "I wouldn't want you to sacrifice your future happiness for mine. You know that, right?"

She nodded numbly. He was not cruel. He was not trying to hurt her. But he couldn't possibly understand how she felt about him. How could he? She had never told him.

"If you don't want to go through with this, I can find someone else," he unnecessarily reassured her.

Many other women would eagerly take him up on his offer, of that she was certain.

"Just give me a few days," she repeated.

He gave her a small smile. "Shall I come back in two days then?"

She bit her lip and nodded. "Yes... that would be fine."

He sighed and shifted on his feet, looking a bit like a child who knew he had done something naughty. "If you have some stipulations of your own that would make the whole thing more palatable to you, I am more than willing to entertain them. Our friendship is the main reason I thought this might work. I would want our marriage to be a partnership, not just me dictating how it would go."

She swallowed thickly. "Thank you. That is good to know."

He took a few steps backward, still obviously ill at ease. "All right then. I will talk to you soon."

"Yes," she murmured, releasing him from the awkward encounter.

He gave her a quick bow and exited the room, leaving her with her turbulent thoughts. She sank into a nearby chair, her mind spinning with mixed emotions. Hadrian's unexpected proposal had thrown her entire world into disarray. She had to admit that the idea of being married to him, even in name only, stirred feelings she had long tried to suppress. However, the thought of being trapped in a loveless marriage, forever yearning for a man who could never return her affection, filled her with deep despair.

Whatever decision she made in the coming days would irrevocably alter the course of her life. The weight of that knowledge settled heavily on her shoulders, making it difficult to draw a steady breath.

She knew what she had to do, but she doubted it would make anyone happy, especially her.