Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

L illy sank into an exhausted heap on the dusty bed of the old gamekeeper's cottage on her cousin's estate. She had trekked nearly all day to get here, having to cross the duke's extensive lands before crossing over onto ones formerly owned by her father. She wouldn't have been able to find this place if she hadn't known of its existence. She hoped to be able to hide here until she could make sense of everything she had heard this morning.

She couldn't believe how na?ve and stupid she had been. Her cheeks burned with humiliation, even now, hours later.

She had somehow let herself believe she could seduce one of the biggest rakes in London! That her paltry charms could somehow make him stay. That he might actually fall in love with her!

Her hand pressed once again to her stomach, the cautious joy she had felt earlier disappearing as a few more tears squeezed their way down her cheeks. In her heart, she knew that what she had heard today changed nothing. She had known what she was getting into when she had agreed to marry Hadrian. Her duty was to return to Autumnwood Hall and try to be the best mistress of the estate that she could be. If the night she had spent with Hadrian resulted in a child, then that was a blessing she had never expected to have, and she would raise the child with all the love neither she nor Hadrian had ever been given from their parents.

But for one glorious moment, she had allowed herself to believe that she could be happy, that Hadrian might actually come to love her as much as she loved him.

Choking back a sob, she buried her face in the scratchy blanket and closed her eyes, swallowing repeatedly as she tried to get herself under control.

She must have slept the night through because when she woke up, the sun was rising, and the room was filled with a warm, golden light. She stretched her legs and arms, her muscles stiff from the long walk. Pushing herself off the bed, she slowly made her way to the window and peered out.

The view outside was breathtaking. Rolling hills, dotted with brilliant fall foliage, stretched as far as the eye could see. In the distance, smoke rose from the chimneys of her cousin's estate.

Lilly took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She couldn't stay here forever, hiding from the truth. But how could she go back to Autumnwood Hall with the knowledge that Hadrian's love for her was borne out of his father's blackmail rather than genuine affection? Perhaps she could at least stay here until both the Oakfield men left.

She went to the cottage's small cupboard, rummaging through the contents. She found some stale bread, a piece of cheese, and an apple, which she ate with the last drop of water from the earthenware jug. She actually hadn't expected to find anything, since there hadn't been money for a gamekeeper for years. Her cousin must use this place for hunting occasionally.

With her stomach full and her mind still heavy with the recent events, Lilly decided she needed to find a way to confront Hadrian and clear the air between them. She couldn't live the rest of her life with the shame of knowing she had been used as a pawn in the game that Hadrian and his father had played. Somehow, she had to make him believe that she was still all right with their original bargain, that she had enjoyed their time together but would be fine if he went back to London.

But the thought of him returning to his actresses, whores, and widows made her sick to her stomach.

He was hers, damn it! He had always been hers. And now that she knew how wonderful making love to him could be, it killed her to think of sharing him with anyone else.

The more she thought about it, the more her hurt faded, replaced by a seething anger. Why should she have to hide her feelings for him? Why should she apologize? He was the one who had lied and deceived.

A noise outside startled her, and she froze, her heart pounding in her chest. She looked out and saw Hadrian riding up to the cottage. She sighed, uncertain whether she was angry or relieved. She should have known that he'd be able to find her. He knew her father's old estate as well as she did. Perhaps she had come here specifically because she had known he'd find her once he stopped to think about it. This was where they'd gone when they'd run away, after all.

She resisted the urge to hide. Now that she'd had time to think, she knew she had to talk to him. In fact, she relished the idea of confronting him.

A few moments later, he opened the door. His eyes widened as he crossed the threshold and saw her standing there looking at him.

"Lilly," he breathed. "I've been looking for you all night."

"Why?" she asked, genuinely curious. Had his father forced him to come after her?

He swallowed, shaking his head. "You're my wife, Lilly. I care about you. I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to you."

"Am I?" she asked, angry tears stinging her eyes. "Am I really your wife?"

"I don't know what you heard yesterday," he said softly. "But what happened between us the last few days wasn't because my father forced me to come here with you. At least, not after that day I saw you with the villagers."

She frowned. "I don't understand. Why weren't you honest with me from the beginning? We were supposed to be a team. You and me against him, remember?"

"I didn't lie to you when I proposed," he said, and she almost believed him. "But then, on our wedding day, he changed the rules. He said I had to accompany you here, and if I didn't stay until you conceived, he'd cut me off."

"So, you pretended that you cared for me." She laughed. "I thought I was seducing you, when that was your intent all along."

He scrubbed his hand through his hair, looking abashed. "You did seduce me, Lilly. Body and soul. The chance to build a life with my best friend? I could never have imagined it until you showed me. You made me believe that I could be a better person."

She sighed. "You aren't a bad person, Hadrian. You're just foolish. Spoiled."

He flinched a bit, but then he nodded, accepting her words. "Yes, you're right. But I want to change. I want to make you happy. I love you, Lilly."

She couldn't have been more shocked if he had slapped her.

She stared at him, her mind racing to make sense of everything. He loved her? It was a distant echo of her dream, a glimmer of hope.

"You love me?" she asked, barely above a whisper.

Hadrian nodded, a soft smile playing on his lips. "Yes, I do. I think I've always loved you. You're the only one who's ever really seen me. Who's ever really known me. But it scared me because I'd never felt that way about anyone, had never been shown enough love to know how to return it."

Tears welled up in Lilly's eyes, her heart breaking for the lost little boy he had been, so desperate for his father's approval. "You don't have to say it if you don't mean it," she said, her voice cracking. "I agreed to marry you without any of this charade."

"But I couldn't live with myself if I let you go," Hadrian replied, his voice filled with sincerity. "I love you," he said again, his voice growing stronger. "I want to stay here with you. I want you to have my children."

"Oh, Hadrian," she sobbed, crossing the room in two long strides and throwing herself into his arms. The moment she was safe in his embrace, she knew that it would be all right. This was where she belonged. This was home.

He held her tightly, burying his face in her hair. "I've been such a fool," he whispered, his voice rough with sincerity and emotion. "So selfish and childish. But you've shown me a better way. A glimpse of a life that I want desperately. A chance to actually make something of my life, to be a husband and father you can be proud of. I can't do it without you, Lilly. Please, let me make it up to you. Let me try to spend the rest of my life proving that I'm worthy of your love."

He was one of the biggest rakes in London. He had spent his life pursuing fleeting and sometimes even dangerous pleasures. He had been named the Scoundrel of September, for goodness sake! But for the first time, Lilly truly believed that he could put all those things behind him. The man who held her right now was not a rake. He was not a scoundrel. He was simply Hadrian. Her husband. The man she had loved nearly all her life.

"You'll stay with me?" she asked hoarsely, still needing a little more clarification, needing to hear him say it out loud. "You won't abandon me here while you go back to your old life? You will be faithful to me?"

He cupped her face and stared deeply into her eyes, and for the first time, she saw a love that mirrored her own shining in his gorgeous green eyes. "I love you, Lilly. You're all I need."

"All I've ever wanted is to hear you say that," she assured him, her heart so full it felt as though it might burst. "We'll figure out the rest of it as we go."